Hey, y'all, it's Soaring once again! I just watched Zombieland last night and I absolutely loved it! I was inspired to write this story after watching Columbus and Tallahassee's relationship change and grow throughout the movie. Now, please don't hate me when I say that I wasn't a fan of either Wichita or Little Rock, they were a bit to 'Mary Sue' for me, and Columbus's attraction felt a bit forced. Sorry, that's just how I feel!

So, needless to say, neither one of the girls will be in this story, sorry again! The time frame would be a few months after Tallahassee picked Columbus off the side of the highway, uninterrupted by anything the girls did.

Yes, this is a Talumbus fic and I'm not sorry! Without any further blabbing on my part, please enjoy, Twinkie Quest!

Hi, my name's Columbus, Columbus Ohio. Hey, I know that not my real name but there's not much use for real names anymore. When you're running for your life from zombies in Zombieland, you don't really need names.

The whole world's gone to shit, but hey, let me give you a bit of background on me. I'll tell you straight up, I'm a nerd who loves World of Warcraft and is afraid of just about everything. The fear thing is probably the only reason I'm still alive, I'm cautious.

You see, I've got this list, a list of rules of mine for survival. My top four are as follows: 1. Cardio, 2. The Double Tap, 3. Beware Bathrooms, and 4. Seatbelts. Even if you don't follow the others, these are absolutely essential.

The fatties and the stupid die first, if you can't outrun them for long distances or are too stupid to make sure they're truly dead, you die. Bathrooms, they can catch you with your pants down, literally. Seatbelts, it's a shit world out there and crashes or hits are common, don't want to send yourself though the windshield for nothing, so buckle up.

Now that you have the basics down, let me tell you a bit more about myself. I'm a scrawny nerd of twenty-something with dark, curly hair. I may seem like the least likely candidate for survival, but my rules have kept me alive this long.

You may be wondering about how I got my name, Columbus. Well, my parents live in Columbus, Ohio, even though I was never very close to them, I still want to see them, even if only to see a familiar face. My name is where I'm headed.

So, on with the story, while I was walking down a highway, I met another survivor of thirty-something in a big, black Cadillac with a white 3 painted on both front doors and a plow on the grill. He's a big guy, not fat, but a muscle head, kinda looks like a cowboy with his Stetson hat and boots. He came across a little cold at the beginning, but he really does grow on you, from his need to break things on occasion to his half-cocked fighting style. He's also a huge fan girl of Bill Murray's. Oh, and to top it all off, he basically not afraid of anything.

He has a twisted sense of humor, but in light of the fact that it's now Zombieland out there, it's actually quite funny. When he's not cracking a joke, going completely Apeshit on the zombies or in one of his infamous 'blowing off steam' moments, he's on his crazy ass vendetta to get Twinkies.

Those Twinkies have put us in so many bad situations, but, I've got to hand it to him, he's in the ass kicking business and has been able to get us out more times than I can could count. Though I have noticed that he hate's Snow Balls, the Hostess kind, because of the coconut. He hates coconut, not the taste, but the consistency.

Through all that though, he does have his moments, if there was a particularly bad day and I said something emotional or just downright sad, he'll probably make some snarky comment but even if he does or doesn't make a comment, he'll pat my shoulder or back; that's his way of comforting, he's not always the best with words.

He's got my back and I've got his, and throughout our travels we've learned not to trust anyone but ourselves. Living in Zombieland has made most of the very few survivors into devious little dipshits who will screw you over faster than you can blink if you so much as show them your back.

Well, now that we're all done with the introduction crap, let's get a move on with the current story. Of course, we're in a grocery store looking for the rare and elusive Twinkie for Tallahassee. And of course, it's gone to shit.

"Don't even think about it, you fucker!" Tallahassee yelled at a fat, gore covered zombie who was lumbering at him. Tal was wielding a pickaxe, which he drove through the zombie's right eye socket. He stepped on its neck and wrenched the pick out before he spun around and punched another zombie in the face. He jumped over to the fallen zombie and drove the pick through its skull. He pulled it out again and realized that I wasn't within his sight.

"Columbus! Where'd you go?" I was two rows over with three zombies chasing my ass. I spun and shot the closest in the chest, when he fell, he tripped up the others but it wasn't long before they were up and running again.

While I was running, I turned and shot the second, this time in the head, but my back slammed into something solid. I spun away, thinking it was a zombie, but a hand grabbed my arm and spun me around to the side, it was Tallahassee.

He had his Winchester 1892 "Mare's Leg" already drawn and pulled the trigger, finishing off the last one. Or at least, the last one in that small group, more where already pouring in at the far end of the isle.

"Let's go, Spit Fuck!" I know, I know, it's an endearing term though, really. Tal was already pulling on my arm, I gladly obliged in getting my ass moving. We were almost to the end of the isle when a zombie appeared in front of us. I slammed on my brakes, but there was slime or something on the floor and I fell on my ass, but Tallahassee kept running at it and ended up kicking its face in.

Whilst I was sprawled out on my backside, I noticed a white and blue box, wedged under the edge of the shelving. It was a box of Twinkies. I reached for them and had just gotten my fingers wrapped around it when Tal grabbed my arm and pulled me to my feet, yelling,

"Get up!" He was already running toward the front, pulling me along as he spoke.

"I am!" I shouted back, clutching the box to my chest with my left hand while wielding my double barrel with my right. One second thought, I don't think he saw the Twinkies. I grinned inwardly; I couldn't wait to see his face when he saw them.

As I was thinking, I almost tripped on a box of Apple Jacks. Stop thinking, I have to focus or I'm gonna get myself killed. Now back in reality, we burst through the front doors to find that luckily, the parking lot was relatively empty and the black caddie was still where we had left it.

Tallahassee tossed his pickaxe in the back and slammed the door while I ran and hopped into my place on the passenger seat. He was jumping into his own a moment later, turning the key and stepping on the gas as I clicked my seatbelt into place. We rocketed away from the swarmed store, leaving it in our rearview mirror.

"Woo! That was fun shit right there!" I scoffed,

"Yeah, if you count barely getting out with our lives as 'fun'." Tal lightly punched my shoulder,

"Naw, you're just a worry wart, you need to lighten up man!"

"Well, worrying is what has kept me, and now us, alive for this long, I think I'll keep doing what I've been doing." I paused for a moment, giving a frustrated huff, before continuing, "You really should put your seatbelt on." It was his turn to scoff,

"Yeah, you keep sayin' that, kid, but just you watch, one of these day's you're gonna wish you didn't use those things." I huffed, folding my arms,

"I'm not a kid, you know, I'm in my twenties."

"And I'm in my thirties, so big fuckin' whoop; I'm still older than you." He looked over at me and finally noticed the box sitting on my lap. He stuttered over his words before he actually got them into a coherent sentence, "That what I think it is?" Score.

"Oh, what these?" I picked up the box and looked at it, acting innocent. Tallahassee slammed on the brakes, causing me to nearly choke to death as the seatbelt cut into my throat.

"Aw man! I love you, Spit Fuck!" He actually flung himself out of his seat and wrapped his arms around me in a bear hug. A moment later, when he released me, he ruffled my hair and I handed him the box, rather his attention on the Twinkies than me at this point in time, he almost asphyxiated me.

He returned to his seat with his prize in hand before he tore open the box and pulled out a little golden log wrapped in plastic. Tal sat there a moment, just staring at it, before he tore it open and took a deep breath of it. He bit into the sponge cake with a sound that actually made me worry more than normal about the state of his mental health.

"I still like Snow Balls better." I said, more to irk him than anything. He glared at me through the corner of his eye and took another bite of the Twinkie, making an impossible noise, just to irk me back. I rolled my eyes and look out the window.