I ask that you forgive me for this. I spent two weeks trying to come up with an ending to this and nothing came to me then sat on the rough draft for several more weeks hoping something would come to me. If you have any suggestions for a better ending, let me know!
This takes place during the time of the episode The End.

This is for ImpassionedWriter. I know that it is not the greatest, and that I have just butchered the second half, I hope that you will accept this as a token of friendship. You have proven to be one of the best friends I have ever had and this is the very least I could do for you.
This was inspired by the song Cold by Coldplay.

Antidote

The cabin was dark with the exception of a single candle sitting in the middle of the room, giving off a soft glow. It was just enough to drink by. The alcohol was taking it's tole. It had dulled his senses to the point of doing something very stupid. He tried to tell himself to wait until he was sober before making an ass out of himself but the drunk voice won. Before he knew what he was doing, he was on his feet, heading out the door.

To Castiel's cabin.

The drunk voice in his head told him exactly what he was going to do. He was going to walk in and gravel at the man's feet for everything he had put him through during the years. He was going to do what ever it takes to get the other man to listen to him and ultimately forgive him. He knew that there was something there were some things that he could never be forgiven for but that was not going to stop him from at least trying.

For the millionth time, Dean wished he could turn back the hands of time. To be able to tell his past self to not bother trying to save Sam- that is was not worth it. It was not worth the pain he had put himself and every other person he knew through.

It was not worth Castiel falling from Grace.

Even through everything Dean had put the fallen angel through, Castiel remained loyal to him. He never questioned Dean's instructions or showed any signs of doubt. On the battle field, Castiel was the perfect soldier.

Off the field, Castiel avoided him like the plague.

He turned to drugs. And it was all Dean's fault.

Running his hands through his hair, Dean wondered if this was really what he wanted to do. He knew he was going to go and make an ass out of himself. That seemed to be the only thing he managed to do around Castiel. He made everything worse, never better.

Pulling the almost empty bottle of Jack out of his jacket pocket, he downed the last of his Hunter's Helper before tossing the bottle somewhere to the side.

This was it, he was going to talk to his angel about everything that had happened.

He reached for the handle.

...

Castiel sat on the floor, surrounded by candles in various states of melting, and a book in his hands. It was about a detective named Sherlock. To his drug addled mind, it was the best thing he had ever read. Sherlock was a genius.

He loved reading while he was high. His mind was on a more enlightened level that made the book come to life in a way that he was unable to do when he was sober. It was a beautiful experience.

Even with his back to the door, he knew who it was when it opened. He did not need to be a celestial being to know when Dean Winchester was near him. He could feel the other man.

"Your drunk." Castiel noted with out looking up from his book. He hoped Dean would realize that he was not interested in what ever Dean thought he just had to know at that moment in time. Usually it was something stupid like he needed more booze or something sad like how much he missed his little brother.

Castiel just wanted to read. He did not care about what ever it was that Dean had to say.

"And your stoned." Castiel could hear the hunter kicking the door closed behind him. He let out a sigh. Drunk Dean never did understand subtle hints. He could just about see the hunter rubbing the back of his neck.

"So everything is normal, then." He turned the page wishing that Dean would just leave.

"Come on, Cas. We need to talk. I'm so sorry. For everything." Dean paused before walking the short distance to the fallen angel. "Please, just hear me out."

Castiel just turned the page, not interested in what the hunter had to say.

"Let me make it up to you." Castiel could hear the desperation in the hunter's voice and it made him sick. He was tired of playing this game. Dean would drink himself stupid, come over and tell him how sorry he was, then forget everything by the next morning and he was done with it. This is the last time he was going to do this and if he did not remember it in the morning then it was just too damn bad.

With a weary sigh, Castiel closed his book and stood up to face the hunter.

It was a bad idea. Those green eyes always made his insides turn to goo. Instead of letting Dean see that, he got angry. If he told Dean he did not care about him, maybe there was some part of him that would believe it too.

"Alright Dean, make it up to me." Castiel looked just above the hunter's eyes, wanting the man to leave with out him trying to jump the other man's bones first.

"Make falling from Heaven better. Make everything I have done for you worth it even after you broke my heart." Dean looked to the floor in shame. "Go ahead, tell me how sorry you are. Beg for my forgiveness. Do what ever it is you need to do so that I can go back to my book."

Dean licked his lips. "I deserved that." He looked back up into Castiel's eyes. "Look I am sorry and I will get onto my knees and gravel if that is what you want but let me tell you something first." He took a deep breath. "I am more than grateful for everything you have done for me. If it wasnt for you..." He trailed off, looking around the room. He hated chick flick moments.

"You would be in Hell, torturing souls for the rest of eternity, and I would still be an angel." Castiel finished for him.

"Yeah." He let out a sigh. "Thank you, for everything." He looked back at Castiel, baring his eyes into the core of the fallen angel. The bright blue felt intoxicating. "I know that it probably does not mean a whole lot to you, and it's a piss poor thing to do right now but it's the truth. Thank you, Cas."

With out thinking, he reached out and pulled the other man close to him, pulling the fallen angel into an embrace. He held onto the other man, not caring that Castiel stood stiffly in his arms.

They stood like that for a long moment. Breathing in the musky scent of Castiel under the tones of weed and other herbs Dean could not identify. He just needed to be closer to the fallen angel.

When he pulled away he had intended to leave Castiel alone with his book now that he had said his piece but the sight of the tears rolling down the smaller man's face caught Dean off guard. He had not expected to get any real reaction out of him in the first place, let alone tears.

"What's the matter, Cas?" Dean asked, wiping the wetness off of his friends face with his thumbs. Seeing the fallen angel like this broke his heart.

"After everything we have been through. All of the times I have saved your life. I raised you from Hell, Dean! I'm sorry is not going to cut it!" Castiel growled back, his anger biting at the air between them.

"Tell me what I have to do to make it up to you, Cas. I'll do anything you need me to." Dean's voice was soft, trying to calm down the other man. He just wanted to know what it would take to get his friend back.

Castiel shook his head, grimacing. He stepped away from the hunter, more tears leaking out of his eyes. "You just don't get it do you? Are you really that blind?"He let out a humorless chuckle. "I loved you, Dean. I loved you more than I should have, but what could I do? It did not matter than you drank yourself stupid, gambled everything away, slept with anything that would have you, or even that you did not pay any attention to me unless it you needed something. I loved you. Everything aout you. From the moment I put you back together from your time on the rack and after you were Alister's apprentice. Through everything, I love you."

Dean watched Castiel talk, his mouth hanging open. He had not known that he had felt anything other than the platonic bond he claimed they had. Now that he looked back on it, everything made a lot more sense.

"When I fell..." Castiel rubbed his hand over his mouth, his lower lip trembling. "When I fell, you did not care. Not on the level that I needed you to. It was more of an inconvenience to you than anything else. You no longer had angelic mojo to use to your advantage. Who cared that my Grace had been stripped or that my wings had been ripped from my back?" He threw up his hands, obviously finished with the conversation.

He did not expect Dean to grab him by the wrist as he turned away to pull him back into the embrace Castiel did not want to be in the first place.

"Listen to me, Cas! Second only to Sam, you are the most important person in the world to me. I did care that you had fallen from Heaven but what was I supposed to do about it? I can't make you an angel again." Dean whispered, pulling Castiel in closer to him, keeping him there by wrapping his free arm around the smaller man's waist.

"And if you did love me, then explain how we would have worked? A hunter and a celestial being. Don't tell me there would have been problems, especially if I would have died and not been able to come back."

Castiel tried to pull away from the hunter but Dean only tightened his grip on the fallen angel. As a human, Dean was stronger than he was. He looked down at the place where their chests were pressed against each others. "I don't know. We could have figured it out." His lip was quivering again.

Castiel did not want to have this conversation. Not in their current state anyway. If anything, he needed to be higher.

"Answer me, Cas." Dean prompted, loosening his grip on the angels's waist and moved his hand until their fingers were intertwined.

Castiel looked at their hands joined together.

"I don't know. We would have found a way." Castiel whispered, another tear leaking out of the corner of his eye.

"We could still find a way." Dean muttered, brushing Castiel's fingers against his lips.

The fallen angel looked up into Dean's eyes. Their glazed over making the green stand out against the light splay of freckles across the taller man's nose and cheeks.

While Castiel was staring at him, Dean quickly moved in closer, brushing his lips against the other man's before pressing his against the dry and chapped skin of Castiel's.

The fallen angel let out a shaky sigh, letting out the breath he had not realised he had been holding. His mind was reeling. How many times had he fantasized about that moment? Just the brush of Dean's lips had turned his legs to jello and made his heart race.

"Are you okay?" Dean asked, letting go of Castiel's hand to run his fingers through the black hair he had always wanted to touch.

Castiel took a step back, rubbing at his eyes with the heels of his hands. "We can't do this. We are not in the correct state of mind to be making these kinds of decisions."

Dean reached out again, but this time Castiel dodged out of the hunter's reach. "It wouldn't make any difference if I was stone sober. You just don't realize the effect you have on me. If it wasn't for you, I would have lost it when Sam said yes to Lucifer. I would have let him kill me without thinking twice about the rest of the world if it wasn't for you. You kept me grounded. Kept me stable in a time when there is nothing I wanted more than to just die. But I couldn't leave you. No matter how bad things I got. I can't leave you."

He reached out once more, as if to touch the fallen angel again, but thought better of it. Running the hand through his hair, Dean left Castiel's home.

As soon as the door clicked shut behind him, Castiel allowed himself to fall to the floor. Sobs racking his body.

...

Castiel woke up, on the floor, to the sound of Dean pounding on his door.

"Cas! We got Croats on the outskirts of the camp!"

The fallen angel pulled on his boots and grabbed his shotgun before opening the door, still rubbing his eyes.

He did not expect Dean to push him back, kicking the door closed behind him with a foot. Dean grabbed a hold of Castiel's shirt with both hands, turning the other man around and slamming him into the nearest wall. Castiel opened his mouth to ask what was going on and that is when Dean took advantage and crashed his mouth into the smaller man's, shoving his tongue inside. It was the sloppiest, roughest, kiss Castiel had ever been given.

It was Dean's kiss and that made it perfect.

When Dean pulled back, a smirk was on his face. "Better than any drink."

Castiel just stared back, his blue eyes wide and his breathing labored.

Dean let go of Castiel's shirt, patting the other man on the cheek, before turning back to the door. "Come, on Cas! GEt your ass in gear!" He called over his shoulder.

Castiel pressed his fingers to his lips before following the hunter out to battle.

...

After the hunt, Castiel found one of the girls that frequented his orgies. Of course, she was unable to say no to him. In the post apocalyptic world they lived in, the fallen angel was Dean. He could have any girl he wanted and he was rarely told no. Life was good, up until the night before when Dean turned his world upside down.

He needed to bury the memories of the conversation and Dean's kisses. He knew Dean would use him the way he wanted before dumping him for the next thing that caught his fancy. Castiel refused to let the other man break his heart again.

He refused to allow himself to be played with anymore.

He took the girl back to his cabin with the promise that it would be a night she would never forget.

...

The hunt had went well. As always, Castiel had followed Dean's instructions to the letter and none of their men had died. So why was he drinking again? Without the whisky rushing through his veins, Dean felt empty and cold. Maybe he was addicted to the substance or maybe it was the fact it made him numb that called to Dean. Or maybe he hoped it would fill the hole he felt inside.

Dean tried to shake the thoughts away; to stop the depressing words from running through his head but they continued to ramble on making everything seem worse. What he needed to do was to get sobered up and figure out what he was going to do to gain Castiel's trust off the battlefield.

Before long, the bottle was empty.

Half formed thoughts and twisted fantasies chased each other through Dean's mind convincing him to go to Castiel's cabin and making the other man want him. Castiel had admitted the night before that he had loved him so why wouldn't he still want him?

Opening another bottle, he took another shot of hunter's helper before walking out the door, chanting you can do it repeatedly in his head. It became his mantra.

Candle light danced in the fallen angel's windows, making Dean stop. He couldn't put his finger on what it was exactly that made him want to turn around and walk the other direction then he heard it. Muffled voices coming from the cabin.

He should have just walked away, went back to his own place and slept off the drink, but instead he found himself moving closer. The closer he got the more distinct one of the voices became. Female. He was in there with a girl.

Dean tried to tell himself that they were just talking and if he looked through the window he would not see what his mind was telling him was true. To prove himself wrong, he looked through the window, the sting of tears already burning his eyes before he even had a chance to see what was going on.

One of the girls from the village was in Castiel's room, her face pressed against the mat the fallen angel used as a bed as he slammed into her.

Dean knew Castiel got around- the man held orgies for crying out loud- but seeing it for himself made his heart clenched painfully.

The fallen angel looked out of the window, straight at Dean, not stopping his movements even as the girl beneath him cried out.

Dean couldn't see any more. He needed to get away. Turning his back to the building, he ran from the scene, not caring where he ended up as long as he was away from the sight that apparently burned itself into the hunter's minds eye. The thought alone made him want to puke his guts up onto the grass at his feet.

He made it to the edge of the woods, unsure where to go and dry heaving.

Why should he care? Castiel was a grown ass man who could do whatever he wanted with whoever he wanted. It was none of Dean' business. So why were tears threatening to fall?

Wiping any trace of them with the back of his hand, he slumped against the side of a nearby tree while he tried to decide his next course of action.

He could go back to the cabin and confess his feelings in a sappy chick-flick way or he could go back home and pretend that nothing had ever happened between them. Nothing. No confessions, no kisses, and no feelings.

The thought made his chest hurt.

How could Castiel do that to him? Tell him how he had loved him then turn around and bone some broad? How was that even remotely fair?

Could this be Castiel's way of proving himself that the kiss they had shared meant nothing? That he was over the hunter? That he regretted having said anything in the first place?

Dean let the tears spill over as he felt his heart breaking.

...

Castiel rubbed his chin through the beard that had grown through, sitting at the edge of his mat. Kirsten was asleep, spent from the time spent with him. It was not as if he had any feelings for her but he needed to get Dean out of his head and when the drugs did not work he thought if he messed around with whoever would have him that night would ease the feelings he had for Dean. No such luck.

He had thought the past was in the past and that whatever he had felt for Dean had faded over time but he still loved the hunter just as he always had. No amount of women or mind altering substance could change that.

The question was, could Dean forgive him for sleeping with Kirsten as if nothing had happened between them? He doubted it.

What was he going to do?

He got to his feet, grabbing a nearby shirt and pulling his jeans on as he padded barefoot to the door, zipping them up as he stepped over the thrush hold making up his mind that he was going to find Dean though he had no idea what he was going to say.

As he walked, he shoved his arms through the holes in the shirt before beginning to button it up, enjoying the feeling of the cool grass beneath his feet against the warm night air. Autumn was fast approaching and that meant it was going to get cold enough that he was going to have to start wearing shoes all of the time- something he prefered to be with out. He did not care about the biting insects or the patches of grass that itched, he just enjoyed being out with nature. Somehow he felt closer to his father. Tonight he felt nothing but remorse. God was not with him tonight.

It was not hard finding Dean leaning against a tree, but finding the courage to approach the other man proved to be more difficult.

Taking a deep breath, he forced his legs to carry him to the hunter, wishing he were high.

"We need to talk."

Dean looked up, the moonlight reflecting in his green eyes. He could tell that the hunter was considering just walking away but instead he shoved his hands into the pockets of his jacket.

Castiel ran a hand through the hair that now laid flat against his head, missing the way it felt when he had been able to wash it properly. "Look Dean, I'm sorry."

"For what?" The hunter asked, kicking at the ground with his boot, unable to look the fallen angel in the eye.

"For back there," Castiel started but was cut off when Dean snorted.

"You are a grown man, Cas. You can sleep with whoever you want to so why are you apologizing?" Dean grunted, still looking at his feet.

"Because it feels as if I have wronged you in some way." Castiel moved closer.

Dean shook his head absently, chewing the inside of his cheek to keep back the angry words that threatened to escape. Instead of saying the hurtful things that floated through his mind, he decided to look at the other man as close to the eye as he was able and forced a smile.

"Everything is fine, Cas. You were right, we can't do this. It's obvious that neither of us are ready for this. It's just too bad we didn't try earlier, we could have been happy together." Dean moved away from the tree, turning his back to the fallen angel to walk away. He was done with this conversation. But before he could get very far, a few steps at most, Castiel grabbed him by the collar of his jacket.

"That's it? That's all you have to say?" Castiel demanded, anger painting his cheeks.

"What do you want me to say? You made it obvious how you feel about us last night." Dean said softly over his shoulder.

Castiel made a fist with his free hand, shaking with anger at Dean's words. "So because I turned you down last night, you think you know how I feel? I told you how much I loved you and you think that was going to change over night?"

Dean turned around to face the smaller man. "Loved, Cas. You loved me. What about now, huh? How do you feel about us right now? This instant?"

Castiel let his arm fall to his side. "I will always love you, Dean. Always."

Dean let out a humorless chuckle."Then what was that back there?"

Castiel felt his lip tremble, tears burning his eyes. "Did you really expect me to wait for you while you sleep around? Yeah, because in the real world that would happen. None of those girls meant anything to me. Can you say the same?"

Castiel was right. Meaningless sex was meaningless sex, if anyone knew that it was Dean.

"So now what?" Dean asked, searching the angel's face. He was still upset but if Castiel was willing to work through it, so was he. Even if he had shrugged off the kisses he had given him.

The first time he had ever kissed a man.

The fallen angel rubbed the back of his neck, unsure what to do. He wanted to know exactly what Dean felt for him in return after he bared his soul to the hunter. He knew that Dean cared for him but he wanted to know if he felt anything more.

"Do you love me?"

That had not been what he had been expecting. He had thought that they would kiss again and express their need for one another before falling into the grass together. That's how it happened in the chick flick shows Sam never knew he watched anyway.

This, however, was not Dr. Sexy M.D.

He knew he would have to come clean if he wanted this relationship with the angel to go any further but Winchester's were not the type of men that were open with their feelings.

Dean reached out, taking Castiel's hand in his own. How was he going to say this?

"We have known each other for a long time. From the beginning I have been in awe of you. I never would have admitted it then but I've always admired you."

Castiel's blue eyes bore into his. Dean was reminded of the first time he met Cas... The fear and attraction that had ran through his body...

He took a deep breath, pulling the angel closer and lacing their fingers together. "Yes, Cas, I love you. I was just afraid of what I felt for you. Still am, actually." He offered a smile that was not returned.

"As a friend, a brother, a brother in arms, or as a lover?" Castiel pushed. He needed to knew exactly where they stood if he was going to put everything on the line for him. He would be willing to drop everything for the hunter but he needed to know that his feelings were returned. If Dean was planning on using him just for sex he knew it would destroy his heart.

"Anything you need me to be. I will be your friend, I will always have your back on and off the battlefield, listen to you, love you in any way you need." His voice was low as he spoke, pressing his forehead into the other man's.

Castiel could feel his heart pounding in his chest. Should he risk it? He had been waiting for this moment for so long- for Dean to stop lying about his feelings so that they could finally be together.

Swallowing hard, Castiel lifted his head to capture the taller man's lips in a kiss.

It was a slow, meaningful, kiss that Castiel hoped told his hunter everything he felt for him. All of the love he felt for him and the desire that bubbled just under the surface.

They allowed their hands to wander, exploring the planes of each other's chests and backs as their mouths worked together. It wasn't until Dean felt Castiel's hand wander to the button of his jeans did he pull away from the other man, breathing heavily.

The fallen angel looked up at his hunter, the hurt obvious in his eyes.

"Not here. Come on, let's get you cleaned up." Dean muttered, taking Castiel by the hand. He lead the other man to the nearby creek where those who lived at Camp Chitaqua bathed and cleaned their wounds. It was deep but not wide making it the perfect place to bathe or swim. They might not have luxury items like soap but if you needed to was away the grime or blood you went to the creek.

They stopped on the bank, Dean turning to face the fallen angel. "Please, Cas, let me clean you up." He whispered, placing light kisses on the other man's mouth.

Castiel did not know what the other man meant but nodded his head in agreement, his throat swelling shut with nerves. With Castiel's agreement, Dean set to work.

Slowly, he undid the buttons of Castiel's shirt, placing open mouthed kisses on the exposed flesh as he worked his way down, feeling the other man's heart beating and the quiver of muscles under his skin with his lips and tongue. The lower he went the more erratic Castiel's breathing became before Dean undid the last button and, on his knees, licked at the skin that resided just above the hem of his jeans.

Yes! This is what Castiel needed! When he was with Kirsten, he felt nothing but his own release, but with Dean every nerve tingled in response to even the lightest of touches.

Getting to his feet, he placed kisses down the other man's throat before running his hands under the fabric of the other man's shirt and over his shoulders to push the fabric down his arms to land on the ground.

Then he was back on his knees, undoing the button of his jeans.

Castiel's breathing hitched. Was this really happening?

The zipper soon followed before Dean pushed the fabric down past his narrow hips, past his erection to pool at his feet. Castiel kicked off his boots.

The night air felt good against his skin as he stood exposed before Dean. The hunter's eyes raked over his form as he quickly undid the buttons of his own shirt, exposing the muscles and scars from battle, a knowing smirk on his face. Soon his jeans and boots were added to the pile at their feet.

Grabbing Castiel's hand, he led the other man into the cold water making the fallen angel's muscles seize in comparison to the warm night.

Swimming out into the middle of the creek, Dean submerged himself, leaving Castiel standing in waist deep water, his teeth chattering due to the cold.

Coming back up for air, Dean called out to Castiel, splashing him the best he could from the distance between them. "Come on, Cas! Your not going to get clean that way!"

Hesitantly, Cas moved a little further, stopping when he was barely able to reach the bottom. He didn't know how to tell the hunter that he did not know how to swim but he did not need to because Dean was swimming back to him.

"Come on, you need to get your head wet!" Dean splashed him with water, a large smile on his face.

"Why are we doing this?" Castiel asked through chattering teeth, wiping water from his eyes.

"Because once your clean, I can get you dirty again." Dean splashed at him once more.

"What's the point of getting clean in the first place?" Castiel asked, splashing Dean back and giving him a look that dared the hunter to splash him again.

"You were just with one of your disciples, Cas. I prefer my lovers to be somewhat clean while we are together." He splashed Castiel once more before disappearing under the water, leaving Castiel to stare at the spot Dean had been, his mouth agape.

When Dean had pulled away earlier, he had thought this was an excuse to distract him.

Dean Winchester was planning on sleeping with him. Tonight.

His heart was pounding again. How many times had he dreamed of this? Of finally becoming one with the hunter?

A hand touched him from behind, resting on his shoulder, making the fallen angel jump.

"Come on, Cas." Dean whispered, taking his hand.

With a defeated sigh, Castiel dunked his head under the water. When he came up again, Dean went to work, tackling the grime the best he could in Castiel's hair with his hands alone, every so often dunking his head back under the water. Then he went to work on his body, rubbing his hands over every inch of the angel's body, washing him the best he could.

Castiel said nothing as Dean worked, grinding his teeth together when the hunter brushed up against something that made him weak in the knees.

"Are you okay?" Dean asked, running his fingers lightly over Castiel's abdomen under the water. Not trusting his voice, the angel nodded.

With a smile that promised everything Castiel had waited for would be worth it, Dean wrapped one hand around the other man's waist, pulling him closer, and gripped the back of his neck with the other as he attacked the smaller man's mouth with his own.

The kiss was hard and demanding, urging Castiel closer to him. Cas tried to take control, pushing the hunter backwards toward the bank, much to Dean's amusement.

"Easy Tiger, there's no rush."

Castiel growled, reaching his hand into Dean's hair, tugging sharply to pull the other man's mouth away from his so that he could ravage Dean's neck.

Dean laughed, Castiel's teeth grazing the skin. He had not known how enthusiastic the fallen angel would be- not that he was complaining as they stumbled backward against the bank.

Breaking apart long enough to climb onto dry land, Castiel brought Dean down with him in the dry grass. "You have no idea how long I have been waiting for this."

"Then let's get started." Dean pulled him into another bruising kiss.

...

Castiel was unable to see Dean for the rest of the week between demons and the Croats, the hunter was in high demand. Everyone wanted his advice.

One afternoon, while sitting at the tree line as he smoked, Castiel saw one of the trucks used for foraging pulled in carrying someone they found in the nearby city that was once Kansas City. The man was badly injured and Dean took one look at the man before shooting him in the head before giving the ones who found the man the orders to salt and burn the body.

There was once a time when killing a man would have haunted him but that was not longer the case. He did not eve bat an eye.

It broke Castiel's heart.

The old Dean was gone thanks to the hardships they had been through once Lucifer took over the Earth.

Castiel had changed too, and not for the better, but the love he had for Dean had not changed from te day he raised him from Perdition.

They had found the antidote to the poison that was hate and mistrust in each other long ago and maybe, just maybe, that was all they needed.