Model Student II

"To break one leg may be regarded as a misfortune; to break both looks like carelessness," said Jervis Tetch dryly, as he bent to write on one of the casts which encased Jonathan Crane's legs.

"Very droll, Jervis," replied Crane. "But it wasn't carelessness – it was a certain bully in a Bat costume. The man's ethics are troubled by killing, but not by potentially paralyzing someone by knocking him out of a third-storey window in order to foil his escape. Still, I suppose it could have been worse. I could have landed on my head."

"One could argue that it was careless of you to let Batman find you," retorted Tetch.

"I imagine I could take as much care as I like – the result would still be fairly inevitable," sighed Crane. "Otherwise none of us would be in here."

"True," agreed Tetch, straightening up and handing him back the pen. "I've written Hope your feet will walk the way you want to go soon. Be sure to give them a new pair of boots every Christmas. That's paraphrasing from Chapter 2 – The Pool of Tears, when Alice grows so enormous that she can no longer see her feet, which you can certainly relate to at this point in time. Anyway, it's good to have you back in Arkham, Jonathan, even though you're in pain."

"Oh, the pain's not the issue," replied Crane. "I'm used to pain. It's the one friend who's followed me throughout my life. The annoying thing is the lack of movement. I shouldn't mind normally – I usually just stay in my cell and read anyway. But choosing to be stationary is one thing; being forced to be stationary is another matter entirely. Plus I've read every book in this institution three times already. I'm afraid I shall be terribly bored."

"Well, I shall try to think up some way to keep you entertained," replied Tetch. "And I'm sure you'll have other visitors."

Crane looked at him. "Who?" he asked. "Who else incarcerated in here is likely to care in particular about my wellbeing?"

"Hi, Johnny, how ya feeling?" asked Harley Quinn, entering the cell at that moment and smiling tenderly at him.

"Oh…Harley," stammered Crane, surprised and pleased. "I'm feeling…much better now, actually."

"Hey, ain't that great to hear?" said another voice, and Crane's face immediately fell when the Joker followed Harley into the cell, beaming his usual, mocking grin. "Got a double whammy from the Bat, I see! Well, don't you worry, Professor - he's broken both my legs lotsa times, and I ain't permanently disabled yet! At least, not physically anyway!" he chuckled. "Must be something in the Gotham water that makes your body super-strong. I'm sure you'll be up and at 'em in no time, Craney!" he said, patting Crane's cast hard.

Crane hissed in pain and shoved him away. "Yes, thank you for visiting, Joker, I appreciate the thought, but you may go now," he snapped.

"Oh, may I?" asked Joker, smiling. "Thanks for your permission, Johnny, God knows I wouldn't do anything without it. But you're right, you need rest and peace and quiet, so Harley and I will beat it. C'mon, pooh, let's go next door and have a little playtime. It's been too long since I've revved my Harley's engine, and I wanna hear her vroom nice and loud."

"Oh, puddin'," breathed Harley, gazing at Joker adoringly. "You're such a bad boy."

She kissed him tenderly and Crane's jaw tightened in envy and anger. "Just gonna sign Johnny's cast first," Harley said, taking the pen from Tetch.

"Oh yeah, me too," said Joker, grabbing it from her when she was done.

Crane hissed again. "Would you not press that hard into my broken leg?" he demanded. "What the hell are you writing anyway?"

"I ain't writing – I'm drawing," retorted Joker. "I'm an artist, y'see, Johnny."

He straightened up and drew away at last, to reveal a drawing right on Crane's thigh, which he couldn't help seeing whenever he looked down. It was a crude sketch of Joker and Harley kissing, with writing underneath: Nice guys finish last, Johnny. Or that's what she said anyway! HA HA HA! – J

Crane glared at him. "How nice. A joke. Thank you, J - that's very thoughtful."

"Yep. Sweet, thoughtful, and selfless, that's me," sighed Joker, smiling. "That's why Harley loves me, huh, baby?"

"Uh huh, Mr. J," she whispered, kissing him again. "Now about that playtime…"

Joker chuckled, taking her hand. "See you later, Johnny!" he called, knocking hard against his cast as he left the cell.

Harley pulled away gently and came back over to Crane, bending down and kissing his cheek. "Get well soon, Johnny," she whispered, smiling sweetly at him. Then she raced after Joker.

"I loathe him," muttered Crane, looking down at the sketch again. His eyes shifted to Harley's message: You're the best, Johnny – don't let the Bat get you down! Feel better soon! Lots of love, Harley.

"But suddenly the pain doesn't seem so bad," he sighed, touching her name.

At that moment, a series of loud, pleasurable shrieks came from next door. "Oh, puddin'! Yes, yes, yes! Oh, harder, Mr. J! Oh yes! Oh, puddin', you're a god!"

"And suddenly it's back again," muttered Crane.

Tetch looked at him, and then disappeared from the cell, returning a moment later with a top hat in his hands. "I wonder if this mightn't be the perfect distraction," he said, holding it out to him.

"What is it?" asked Crane, puzzled.

"It's an alternate reality simulator," explained Tetch. "I designed it several months ago, but the Joker broke both prototypes. Fortunately I had my notes and was able to rebuild, as well as improve it. It will trap the mind for a time in an alternate reality of your own choosing, which seems as real and as genuine as our current reality. And after that story you told me a few weeks ago about Harley being your student and you being in love with her without declaring yourself, I was wondering if you'd like to see how things would have turned out if the Joker had never turned up. If the Joker, for example, never existed."

Crane stared at him. "You could do that?" he asked.

"Oh yes. Nothing easier than implanting the mind with a simple mental suggestion such as that," said Tetch, shrugging. "I've had a few trial runs already on Joker and Batman, both of which were incredibly effective. Sadly I didn't trap either of them in unreality forever, and I've designed a failsafe to prevent that in this prototype. You see here," he said, pulling down the hatband to reveal a series of screens and panels. "The person in this reality, in this case myself, can monitor how long the person in unreality, in this case you, has been in the alternate world, and can return him to this reality at any point just by pressing a series of buttons. If you like, I can give you twenty-four hours in that reality, just to see what it's like, and if you enjoy it, I can return you there. It will hopefully be a pleasant way to pass the time while you're laid up, and it will allow you to escape from the noise in the neighboring room," he said, indicating Harley's shrieks of delight.

"Yes, it sounds ideal," said Crane, nodding. "Very well, Jervis. Let's test it out."

"All right. Let's let you see what your world would be like without the Joker in it."

"Obviously a much better place," muttered Crane as Tetch placed the hat on his head.

"You're about to find out," said Tetch. He pressed a few buttons on the hat, and Crane lost consciousness.

He awoke to find himself in bed, with morning sunlight streaming through the curtains. He blinked and looked around the room – this had indeed been his apartment once, before he had gone insane, but nothing seemed different about it.

Then there was a sigh, and suddenly the shape next to him rolled over in bed, cuddling him gently. "Morning, Johnny," whispered a familiar voice, and Crane looked down to see Harley Quinn embracing him tenderly, beaming in happiness.

"H…Harley?" he stammered.

"Mmm?" she asked, her big, blue eyes gazing up at him sleepily and adoringly.

"What…why…how…what are you doing here?" he stammered.

Harley grinned. "Where else should I be in the morning but in bed with my husband?" she murmured, bringing her lips to his and kissing him tenderly.

Crane was too stunned to respond to the kiss. "H…husband?" he stammered at last, when she drew away.

"Mmm, don't tell me you ain't used to it yet?" she murmured, grinning. "I've been Mrs. Johnny Crane for three months now. And I've loved every second of it," she breathed, kissing him again.

Crane was utterly astounded, but managed to return the kiss this time, not caring if this was a dream. It felt completely real – the taste of her warm, tender lips against his own was more heavenly than he could ever have imagined. He drew his arms about her gently, and then pressed her hard against him, desperate not to lose her.

"Oh, Johnny," she whispered, drawing away at last and grinning. "You're always so eager in the mornings. One of these days I should refuse you, but I'm too crazy about you to ever do that."

She sat up, pulling the covers off, revealing that she wore nothing but a short, thin red nightie laced with black. Crane couldn't help staring as his face flushed scarlet.

She grinned. "And one of these days you'll get used to seeing your wife in revealing clothing and stop blushing. Though I hope not – it's too cute," she whispered, kissing him again.

"Harley…" stammered Crane, as she reached up, smiling, and gently pulled down the straps of her nightie.

"Hmm?" she asked, cocking her head to one side as the garment slipped slowly off, revealing her exquisite figure in all its glory.

"…nothing," gasped Crane, as she climbed on top of him, enveloping his mouth in a kiss and pressing him down on the bed.