The Decontamination Collaboration

Mommy Issues

Hail Chuck Lorre and Bill Prady. I own nothing.

Amy looked disgruntled as she trudged up the staircase toward a dinner she had no interest in eating. After the day she had endured, the gang would be lucky if she didn't throw her food at the wall like an enraged gorilla. Her still damp hair, pulled back in a makeshift bun, the absence of her usual wardrobe, hinted at the events of the day. She was clad in a jersey maxi skirt that was technically her size, a sport tank/bra and a light weight, pink UCLA hoodie sweatshirt. Her legs were bare and she wore flip flops. And she wasn't wearing any underwear. This was less liberating that one might imagine.

Without knocking she flung open the door to apartment 4A, walked in, threw her bag on Sheldon's computer chair and collapsed in her spot with her arm thrown over her eyes.

"Hi, Amy," Leonard said, from the kitchen. Her free arm waved and she remained silent. "This is my brother, Michael." His voice indicated she might be perceived as being rude.

Inwardly cursing Leonard's addiction to social protocol, she rose from the sofa and faced the brothers in the kitchen. Michael Hofstadter took her by surprise. He was average height, which meant he towered over Leonard. He was handsome in an almost delicate way which made Leonard look like a creature that should be forced to live in the sewers. Michael looked like pictures of their mother she'd seen on the back of her books. The only thing he shared with Leonard was the truly unruly hair situation. "Nice to meet you, Michael," she held out her hand to be shaken, "I am Dr. Amy Farrah Fowler."

Michael took her hand, smiling, "So you aren't on the mysophobic band wagon?" That sounded like a slam on Sheldon and she was not in the mood.

"That is an inaccurate assumption. I would figuratively kill for some Purell at the moment." She said, icily, staring at her palm, "God knows where you've been." She looked at Leonard, wondering if he was irritated with her, but he was grinning widely, so she supposed he was not. "Leonard, is there wine?" she asked, going behind the kitchen Island.

"There is. I'll get you a glass. Michael, do you want a drink? We have light beer and boxed wine." Leonard asked.

"Wow… classy." Michael smirked and sat on the bench on the other side of the island, "Light beer, please." He regarded the woman leaning against the counter, oozing "not impressed with you, pal" from every freshly scrubbed pore. Had she been swimming?

"Dare I ask?" Leonard handed Amy her glass. "What happened to you? You look…"

"Like someone who just got out of a contamination shower and had all her clothes burned? Like someone who is clad in garments she shanghaied from wandering and over-dressed undergraduates?" Amy growled taking a sip of her wine, "Well then, in this case, I must say looks aren't deceiving."

"Jesus!" Michael exclaimed, "What do you do for a living?"

"I am a neurobiologist." Amy said shortly. Michael narrowed his eyes and smiled in a way she found off-putting.

"What happened?" Leonard asked, with concern. He knew from horrible personal experience that the forced decontamination shower could never be qualified as merely a precautionary measure.

Amy put her glass on the island and leaned forward on her elbows, looking mildly haunted, "I can tell you or you can watch it on you tube… Good Lord, I've been handling fresh brains since I was 17 years old. About 10% of them fall on the floor… that's life… It happens. How did something like that even get into the cadaver lab?" seeing the brothers' curious faces, she sighed dramatically, turning away from Leonard, she spoke at Michael, "That was a rhetorical question. That means I do not require a response."

"I am a Harvard educated lawyer, Dr. Fowler…" Michael began.

"Oh, okay…" she glanced at her friend and grinned slightly before turning back to his brother, "Don't worry. I promise I'll use smaller words so that you can understand Leonard and me." Amy said dismissively sucking down the rest of her wine, before holding the glass out for Leonard to refill. She wasn't in a place to embrace self-awareness or she would have noticed that she was being sort of douchey and rude to Leonard's brother. She might have processed the fact that Leonard was absolutely loving it.

Even if she had been in self-aware mode, she would never have noticed that Michael was loving it too, in an equally absolute and much creepier way.

She resolutely refused to speak further about the events of her afternoon when pressed by Howard and Penny. When Sheldon came in with Bernadette and Raj, she had to make an exception. Mostly because she had texted Sheldon from the contamination unit before her phone had been destroyed. He pulled her over to the window and they began to whisper to each other.

Penny swallowed her wine. "Let's guess what they are saying based on hand gestures."

Bernadette raised an eyebrow, "She delivered a baby with salad tongs."

Leonard shook his head, "No…. She was cooking a turkey and when she took it out of the oven with… salad tongs? And then it exploded? And turned it… it turned to poisonous gas?" His eyes were wide.

Howard frowned, "Now Sheldon is saying is there a cadre of small birds that are attacking his face? And Amy is saying he is wrong but it smells like bird poop, that much she will admit, but everything from the waist up is… perfection…?"

"No, no, no. Amy says she has giant boobs." Penny countered, "Now Sheldon is saying yes, Amy, you have giant boobs but that doesn't mean a turkey/baby/soccer ball should explode when you remove it from an oven/its mothers vagina/the back of a minivan?... With salad tongs?"

"Nor should it vaporize and/or turn to fairy dust." Raj finished. "Crap, Bernadette go find out what happened. She won't tell us and Sheldon won't be able to tell us because Amy has thrown him into a pre-panic attack tail spin." When the little biologist joined the couple, Raj whispered, "Let's do Bernadette too."

Leonard squinted, then winced as Bernadette screamed, "Good God! Why weren't you quarantined?" before dragging the other woman back to the bathroom.

Sheldon approached, looking pale. "Amy says she wasn't exposed to a bio toxin. Although the fact that they hosed her down and scrubbed her skin with industrial strength cleanser and steel wool might you cause you… to doubt or dispute this fact." His eyes were wide. Raj handed him a beer and he drank it without looking at it.

Michael looked at Leonard, "Wow. Your friends are way more interesting than mine."

"Yeah, they are!" Leonard grinned smugly at his brother, then got serious, "It isn't always like this… Usually it is me or Howard in the decontamination shower and Amy yelling at Bernadette "Good God! Why weren't you quarantined?""

Amy and Bernadette emerged from the bathroom just as the pizza arrived. Bernadette had vial of Amy's blood in her hand, "I need a sharpie!" she hissed.

"How did you draw her blood?" Penny asked eyes wide, "Has the first aid kit gotten more sophisticated?"

Amy sat down between Sheldon and Raj, "She gnawed my arm then sucked the blood out, like a tick." She said, looking both nonplussed and pale as Casper the Friendly Ghost as Bernadette scribbled on the vial and put it in the fridge.

"Sarcasm?" Raj asked.

"Would that make this easier for you, kid?" She then smiled coolly at Michael as he refilled her wine glass, "Thank you. You are a credit to the service industry." He did not look insulted, in fact his gaze grew smouldering. She didn't notice, Sheldon did. Glaring at the interloper, he put a slice of pizza onto a plate for Amy and placed in her hands. Her smile for him was sweet and warm. He relaxed a little. Maybe the beer was working. So he didn't refuse when a smirking Penny handed him another.

It was Wii night. That meant after dinner it was team competition in the Los Robles Triathlon which consisted of Dance, Dance Revolution, skiing and bow hunting. Because with Michael they had 8, they divided into teams of four.

Amy, Leonard, Michael and Raj were standing in the kitchenette drinking. Amy narrowed her eyes at Michael. "Leonard," she stage whispered. "Your brother is staring at me. Is it brain damage? Was he dropped on his head as a baby?"

"That would explain so much." Leonard chuckled, "I think the more likely scenario is that you have stimulated his childhood neuroses. Dr. Fowler, meet Oedipus." He grinned at his brother, then stage whispered back, "He has mommy issues."

"And you don't?" Michael bristled.

"Michael, do not insert yourself into other's people's conversations. It makes you seem common. One would assume you were born or raised in an animal enclosure." Amy said waspishly. Leonard laughed and seeing Michael's weird fascination with Amy grow more intense, he whispered in her ear. She looked at him quizzically, he nodded enthusiastically. With a sigh, Amy stood up straight, gazed at the younger brother, "Michael, I am very disappointed in you." Seeing Michael's face redden and his pupils dilate, she turned back to Leonard, frowning, "You know, there are ladies in West Hollywood who will do this kind of thing for a couple hundred bucks."

Michael piped up, "Yes, there are." He winked at her. She smiled back with glacial indifference.

Then Raj came up behind her and wrapped his arms around her waist, drunkenly whispering into her ear, "Amy, will you give me a lobotomy?"

"I offered once. You said no." Amy unwrapped herself, turned to face him, "No do overs, pal." She gazed over to where Sheldon and Howard were now Wii skiing, and smiled adoringly at her boyfriend. She didn't notice Michael sulking.

Across the room, Penny and Bernadette observed everything. The taller woman whispered to Bernadette with a giggle, "Wowee! Somebody has a little somethin', somethin' going on tonight." She gestured at Amy with her wine glass.

"I noticed," the smaller blond whispered, "She should take contamination showers more often. She's all bitchy and yummy. Do you think Sheldon's noticed his girlfriend is sexual chocolate tonight?"

"Damn it!" Howard cursed, jumping off the ski pad. "Penny, your turn." He stood next to Bernie, "What were you two whispering about?" he waggled his eyebrows.

"About Amy's immense and noticeable fuck-ability this evening." Bernadette grinned. "Apparently, Mr. Michael noticed too."

Howard turned to watch the proceedings, nodded his head and yelled, "Hey! Gertie McFlirtyson! Bernie needs to talk to you!" Amy looked around and shook her head, raising a finger to indicate she'd be there in a moment.

"Amy you said you could do this! Hot needle! Do me!" Raj whined.

"I can do it. But, I mean, Iam capable of doing a lot of things. A lot of things I shouldn't do for legal and ethical reasons. The fact that I am able to restrain myself is all that is keeping my life from becoming a Planet of the Apes/Island of Dr. Moreau freak show." She winked and walked into the living area, "That and about a 78 million dollars."

The couple both stood staring at her with their arms folded over their chests. "How's the night going?" Bernie asked, sharply.

"You mean after your primitive Phlebotomy effort?" Amy looked at the disgusting dressing on her arm, then giggled, "I think we are going to have to amputate, but 5-6 glasses of box wine and I find I don't even care anymore."

"I mean," Bernie grinned leaning closer, "The flirty McFlirty thing with Leonard's brother."

Amy turned over her should and gazed at Michael then turned back, "Honestly it isn't flirty McFlirty. It's more Leonard using me as the dull spoon he that he will use to figuratively castrate his brother. Since this isn't normal Leonard-esque behavior, I am going to assume Michael deserves it."

Howard cocked his head and looked at ridiculously handsome young man, "No doubt. But you can't deny he is into you, though."

Amy leaned closer and stage whispered, "Watch me. And this isn't denial. This is me understanding behavioral patterns in primates. He is a monkey and he isn't into me. He is into using me as an emotional and/or sexual surrogate to relieve his childhood emotional and/or sexual traumas. I am just a female brain scientist who isn't his mother that he may decide to fixate on. If I didn't have better things to worry about, it would creeping the hell out me."

"He's handsome." Bernadette observed dispassionately.

Squinting at Michael for a second, "No, Sheldon's handsome. That is not my thing." Then she turned and gazed over her shoulder at Sheldon who was getting off the virtual slopes calling for Raj to suit up. She smiled possessively. Then she gripped the back of the computer chair, "Wow. Woozy."

Sheldon was at her side instantly, holding a hand over her forehead, "You are burning up," he said, guiding her to sit in his computer chair. He knelt down next to her, "It is the bio-toxins."

"Nah," she smiled, gently petting his head, "It is just gangrenous from Bernadette's violent blood extraction."

"Quit saying that!" Bernadette hissed, looking guilty.

Leonard knelt on the other side of Amy with his first aid kit, "Let's rule out gangrene," he smiled, comfortingly then he pointed at Sheldon, "Do not look while I do this." He then removed the gauze from Amy's arm, stared at the wound for a moment, then glared at Bernadette, "Bernadette! My God! Did you really use your teeth?" Bernadette frowned, and sat down.

Penny came over and popped her head over Leonard to see the wound. She put her hand over her mouth and raced to the bathroom. A few seconds later the purge could be heard throughout the apartment.

Sheldon resolutely refused to look at her mangled arm, resolutely maintaining eye contact. He spoke in a low tone, "Amy, we are going to take you to the hospital, now."

Shaking her head, "No, no, no… I just need to sleep," her gaze shifted and she watched what Leonard was doing for a second, "Leonard, babe. I know you think you are helping, but, honey, you are not helping. It won't heal if you keep picking at it." She patted his head with her good hand, "I appreciate the effort, but get the hell off me before I pass out.." Leonard nodded in agreement and began to re-bandage her arm with clean medical gauze. "I just need to sleep." She slurred.

Howard, who'd been observing the procedure, clapped his hand once and grabbed Amy's bag, "This isn't one you get to sleep off, kiddo. People! Let's mobilize! Bernadette, go get the car, Sheldon and Raj get her on her feet and help her down stairs. Penny, grab that vial of blood from the fridge and put it in the mini-cooler. Leonard, you should probably call the hospital and try to explain the situation… Michael, it has been nice to meet you. You have no role here." Sheldon glanced at Michael over Amy's head.

Michael glared, "What's your role?"

"I am the guy that isn't going to stand around allowing a debate on whether or not the lady with the weird fever and grey arm pus needs to go to the hospital." Penny over heard this and lurched to puke in Leonard's waste basket. She shurgged and then raced across the hall to get the cooler.

"Take-charge Howard," Raj grinned to Amy as he balanced her against his body while Sheldon put on his wind breaker, "That is my very favorite Howard." Sheldon nodded at him affirmatively as he pulled Amy's good arm around his shoulder, guided/dragged/carried her away from Raj and out of the apartment.

Quickly, it was just Leonard and Michael in the apartment that smelled of Penny vomit and grey arm pus.

"So, I guess I'll see you before you leave town…" Leonard began, slinging his bag of his shoulder.

"I should come with you." Michael chirped.

"For what purpose? I don't see this getting litigious. I don't know about Amy's contract, but I can't sue my workplace for anything that including a contamination shower…. Or possible radiation leak." Leonard stated, "Look, Mikey, she isn't for you. I am pretty sure her contempt for you is genuine." Seeing his brother's face go blank, "She studies primate behavioral patterns, also Amy has read all of Mother's books. You can't trick her. You know, I can always tell when she finishes one. She always buys me a cupcake, complements my work and calls me slugger."

"What kind of cupcake?" Michael asked, jealously.

Leonard pointed at his brother, "Not for you." And walked out the door.