Deeply saddened by the loss of our beloved potions professor, Alan Rickman. May he rest peacefully.

Remus felt so much better about his decision after talking with Harry. It was a relief to not have to hide anything from him now, and to know that he was behind him in this endeavor. Of course, it had helped that Hermione had taken it upon herself to see Severus about his theories and properly explain it all to them both once more.

Severus had wanted to get started right away with his initial testing, to gather the necessary information he would need to brew the base Wolfsbane for the following month. He wrote to Remus telling him this. Remus had grinned at the note from the owl which had arrived early, two days before the full moon. He was excited.

In fact, he couldn't remember the last time he'd felt so genuinely excited about something. Life with a five year old who could change the color of his hair and grow scales to look like a fish was plenty exciting, but this was different. Funnily, it felt perfectly normal. It felt like, "of course he would take on this project with his friend, Severus, because yes... they were, in fact, friends." Severus had already given away his bluff. And Remus was glad for it. After only a couple of meetings, and regardless of the stress and worry it had caused him, it was clear... he was happy to have Severus Snape in his life.

Before, when he had had to live day-to-day, Remus was so careful to keep to himself. To keep his life private, out of fear and out of pure self-preservation. He'd met people, some he had even considered friends, but it never lasted. How could it when he was always so quite about his "condition," and monthly absences? Secrecy didn't bode well for relationships of any sort.

That was what had ruined his relationship with Sirius, after all. The secrecy. That self-preservation that had been instilled in him at such a young age, after he'd been attacked. His parents had meant well, he knew, and it served him well, because he had survived this long. But it had cost him so dearly, as well.

The war was over now, however. He needn't live like that any longer.

For the first time in a very long time, Remus felt confident and sure of himself.

Remus tucked the note with that familiar handwriting away in the pocket of his cardigan. He didn't have time to respond right away, and he was sure the poor owl who had delivered the note was in no hurry to travel such a long distance so soon. He picked out a few treats and led the owl outside to rest on the perch by the garden. It was a lovely day, and he would have loved to stay home and sit outside with Teddy all morning, but he had work at the bookshop that needed to be done before the full moon.

#####

Sitting outside his shop in the late afternoon, having his lunch, Remus waited for the Hogwarts house elf to come by with his Wolfsbane. Right on time, Toby popped into existence just in front of him.

"Hello, Toby," Remus said with a wave and a smile.

Toby bowed, his long, floppy ears pooling on the ground. "Master Lupin, your potion is being available." He offered him the steaming goblet. "Will you be needing more?"
"Not at all, unless you'd like to have lunch with me?" Remus asked, downing the goblet with a grimace.

"Sir, Toby is having to be back at Hogwarts school," Toby was beginning to pull at his left ear. "Toby is sorry to say."

"No worries. I'm sure there is plenty to do, as always." Remus grinned. Toby always delivered his potion, never once late, and every time, Remus invited him to stay for lunch, but he never accepted. "Thank you, Toby. I will see you next month."

"As always, sir." And with that, Toby was gone.

Remus finished his sandwich quickly, mostly to get rid of the awful taste the potion always left in his mouth. He walked back into the shop and decided to Floo Severus. Teddy always spent the afternoon before the full moon at the Burrow. There was so much room for him to run around and exhaust his pent up energy. That would give Remus the afternoon free for them to get started.

#####

Draco sat opposite his godfather in the kitchen. He had come to collect the Wolfsbane potion for his patient, he would come again tomorrow for the last dosage of the month. Severus was making tea. To Draco, he seemed well. Much better than he had been just weeks before, that was certain. He wondered momentarily if the work he was preparing to start was the only reason for the change. Severus kept most things close to the chest. Draco was sure it was something he learned to do long before the war. He never asked about it, he didn't feel it was his place to ask about anything before the war. In that moment, he briefly wondered if that was a mistake he'd been making for as long as he'd known his godfather. While he did seem well, in a better temper, he looked tired. No doubt he was spending his nights going over his notes. Draco decided to then to keep a watchful eye on Severus. He'd already seen the other man gingerly rubbing at his neck and throat. He was overworking already, and Draco had to make sure he wasn't overly tired.

#####

The night before Remus was due to arrive at at Severus' cottage, Severus was sat at his kitchen table, a cup of cold tea at his elbow while he poured over the notes for the following day. Remus had sent him a copy of the medical file Poppy had kept on him since his school days. Much to his surprise, Remus' file was much thicker than his own, which was quite the impressive feat considering how many times he'd had to wake her in the middle of the night after a Death Eaters meeting and he was unable to properly take care of himself. There were all the times she'd taken of him while he was a student, he could never forget her for that alone. It should not have surprised him, he thought, after all, Poppy hadn't been his primary Healer in years. Poppy kept meticulous notes and files. Every scratch and bump she'd ever treated Remus for since the age of 11 was written down in his file. It seemed that Poppy had been treating Remus even after his year of teaching.

While going through the heavy file, he noted that in July of 1997 Remus had spent four days in the hospital wing. Severus had had to take a deep breath when he saw that, under "Reason for Visit," she had written in bold lettering, "LYCANTHROPIC TRANSFERMATION – SANS WOLFSBANE POTION."

July 1997 was the first month in roughly four years that Severus hadn't prepared the Wolfsbane potion for Remus. Severus closed the file after that.

For several moments, he considered the file. Poppy was a good Healer. He decided it would be smart to continue letting her treat Remus, however it would be inefficient to wait for the information he would need. Draco was a fine Healer, had experience in dealing with weres. He would speak with his godson and ask him to take on another patient, in addition to the work he'd already put in on working out the finer details of the potion.

Severus picked up his cup of tea and instead of reheating it with a spell, he stood, stretching his limbs, then walked to the sink to toss the liquid and refill the kettle. It seemed there was so much to do before the following day, and already he felt exhausted. Not for the first time this evening, Severus acknowledged that he'd been pushing himself too far.

Up until Draco's patient, these alterations had been only theories. Work that Severus had thought out, and on parchment, they worked. When he was able to test out a slight variation of those theories on Patient Zero, he knew they could work in practical use as well.

Excluding late nights when he couldn't sleep, or rather, when he didn't want to try, and fulfilling Poppy's orders before the start of term, Severus hadn't pushed himself so hard physically since the end of the war. In the beginning it had been out of necessity; his body simply couldn't handle the stress at first. Now, he knew, though he hated to admit it to himself, it was out of fear. He worried he wouldn't manage to keep up with the work now. Already he could feel his limitations being reached, but he kept on because he wanted it – the research, the work, the partnership.

Remus wouldn't be able to provide very much in terms of actual potion brewing or even in working theory, but he was every bit a partner in this endeavor. As would Draco, and eventually Teddy. With a grimace, he wondered whether Hermione Granger would insert herself into their testing as well. She already had though, hadn't she? She was good, he admitted. With a sigh, he realized he may eventually need her to help with some of the more difficult work.

Sitting down with his fresh cup of tea, he set the medical file aside and picked up an old, worn notebook and leafed through it until he came upon the section he had labeled "R. J. Lupin - Sept. 1993."

#####

Severus had just finished placing containment spells on some of his more pungent ingredients when he heard the knock on his door. He'd left his Floo open to Remus'; he suspected Remus choose to arrive by apparition into the town because it'd give him time to settle his nerves. Remus confirmed this when Severus opened the door and found the other man wringing his hands as he tried to stand still.

"Nervous?" he asked.

Remus let go of his hands and put them in his pockets. "A bit. Excited mostly. Don't tell me you're not," he replied with a toothy grin.

Severus had already turned away and was walking into the kitchen, but Remus imagined he had raised his eyebrow in that very Severus way he did and had the barest of smirks.

"You realize I will spend the better part of an hour poking and prodding at you before exhausting you with a number of physical exertion tests?"

And just like that, not a minute into stepping foot into Severus' home, Remus was back to second-guessing himself.

When no response came forth, Severus stopped and turned to look at the other man. Remus had suddenly gone pale and had his fists clenched together at his sides before relaxing and folding across his chest.

"Didn't you receive the files from Poppy? She assured me she would send them to you as soon as she was able."

Severus regarded the sudden change in the other man and offered the other man a glass of water before acknowledging his question. Remus declined though his mouth did seem a bit dry. Severus took a seat at the table, waiting until Remus did the same.

"She did," he said finally. "And while I don't doubt her abilities, I do believe it's necessary to start at the beginning."

Remus thought about this for a moment. "You have your own set of records, don't you? From my year at Hogwarts. You poked and prodded at me then."

"As I said, we'll be starting from the beginning." Severus paused for a moment, trying to read the lines in the other man's face, read what his concern was through his eyes. "Is there a problem?"
"No," Remus lied. Severus knew this.
Severus stood up and gestured to his basement laboratory. "Let's get started then."

Remus hesitated, but followed. He had prepared to be overwhelmed with the smells of Severus' lab, but found it to be rather neutral. He was thankful. One less thing to worry about.

Severus waved his wand over a notebook that read "R. J. Lupin - August '01" and a Self-Writing Quill, then started with "Remus John Lupin, male, born March 10, 1960, aged 41, Half-blood wizard. Werewolf." Severus paused to wave his wand towards Remus, and proceeded, "Height: 6 feet, 2 inches. Weight-"

"Wait," Remus said, feeling his head start to ache at the speed Severus was working.
"Worried about your weight, Lupin?" Severus asked, having stopped his quill. "Skin and bones hardly qualifies as detailed information, I'm afraid."

He knew there was something the matter, and Remus knew he knew. If Remus wanted to act this way, Severus was content to continue along as if nothing was the matter until he spoke up for himself. He wasn't sure what would be plaguing him now that wasn't only five minutes before. He hardly thought it was truly about the poking and prodding, as the man himself had mentioned, Severus had done all this once before. Albeit a long time ago, but surely it was nothing Poppy hadn't done herself yearly.

Remus took a breath as he paced around the room. He stopped with his back turned towards Severus, and Severus realized what may have been bothering him. The last time Severus had updated his records on the man had been before the later years of the war. Before things had gotten truly difficult. Before they had fought for their lives in the last battle.

Werewolves had little to their advantage. One of which, however, was the ability to recover from physical trauma at a quicker rate than humans. Whatever wounds Remus may have sustained from the war, they were sure to be well-healed over and likely hardly noticeable.

For a moment, Severus almost considered Remus a thoughtless bastard for quivering over a few scars. But as quickly as that anger had bubbled up, it was replaced with an image from the night before, a list of injuries half a page long in Poppy's writing, of a transformation without Wolfsbane, injuries inflicted not at the hand of the enemy in battle, but by his own hands, in pain and blood-thirsty.

Severus took a calming breath himself. He scolded himself for jumping to conclusions so quickly, for projecting his own anxiety onto the other man. He took a seat on the stool closest to him and waited for Remus to turn back towards him. He waited a full minute and was about to simply address the issue himself when Remus finally turned to face him.

Remus hesitated but looked at Severus. "I'm afraid I've been telling half-truths, Severus."
Severus' interest was piqued. Remus didn't tell lies. What could he be referring to?
"You've made mention to me once, more than once," he corrected himself. "That I am an unregistered werewolf. And I've never had the courage to correct you," he explained.
"What exactly are you saying, Remus?" Snape asked.
"That I am not an unregistered werewolf. I was branded," he said bitterly. "Just after the war ended. It was done in order to encourage other weres to come forward and register themselves. The Ministry had no idea how many people had been infected in the months leading up to the end. The dark side had taken over the Ministry, the Werewolves, led by Greyback, were out there, for months, attacking people with no consequences whatsoever. We... they... thought it would be for the best. I believed them."

Severus sat in silence for long moments. He hadn't ever even considered the possibility that Remus had registered with the Ministry. The program itself was a ridiculous sham. Of course, he hadn't heard the news of the stunt, as for nearly two months he hadn't left the hospital wing at Hogwarts. And when he finally did, he was taken into custody to await trial.

Remus was deeply ashamed of it, and he understood that. More so than Remus perhaps realized.

"It's inactive," Remus said, disturbing his thoughts. "Harry assures me of this. The Ministry isn't tracking me."
"But they could?" Severus asked. "And Teddy?"
Remus stood still, "I would never allow that to happen. I made a mistake, and I spend every day working to fix it with the Reform.

"And yes, they could track me," he said breaking eye contact, guilty. "I'm sorry. I didn't think it would ever be an issue, but that's no excuse. I should have told you long ago. Harry and Kingsley have both gone through a lot of trouble to ensure it's never to be activated without their knowledge. Harry says it isn't active, and I believe him."

"You should have said, you had no right to visit here knowing how much I value my privacy," Severus said, his arms crossed against his chest. He struggled to keep his anger at bay, but was growing increasingly less thrilled with having invited Lupin into his home to conduct their research.

"I know. I'm sorry, Severus," Remus said quietly. Severus could easily hear the genuine sentiment in his apology. "I can go, if you'd like." Severus could hear how genuine that offer was, as well.

Severus considered this. There was no doubt in his mind that he should be furious with the other man.

And he was angry. Half truths? They were blatant lies he told, and from the very beginning. Severus had trusted him, and Remus had lied to his face each and every time he entered his home. He had no right.

If he sent him away now, he was certain that there would be very little that could be done to mend things once more. They'd done this too many times.

"I deserve better than half truths, Lupin," he finally said, turning to scribble something in the notebook. "Do not lie to me again."
"No, no I won't lie to my friend," Remus said after an audible sigh of relief. He moved to sit in the only other stool in the room. He sat at a comfortable distance away, thankfully. "No more secrets."

After a while, watching Severus continue to jot down information in his sharp scrawl, Remus, not wanting to interrupt the other man, quietly said, "You must now know absolutely everything there is to know about me."

Severus continued to write, his elbow resting on the worktop, propping up his head and he leaned over his notes. He didn't bother to acknowledge what Remus had just said. There were always secrets. The two of them knew that better than most. Severus had plenty of secrets, none of which he had any desire to tell the other man.

The two men spent the next five minutes in near silence, the only sound the scratching of quill tip against parchment and the occasional rustling of notes as Severus compared information.

"You'll have to remove your shirt," Severus said, Remus nearly jumped at the sudden noise in the quiet.

Severus pointedly kept his eyes on his notes, ignoring Remus' maddeningly slow removal of his cardigan and shirt. He reminded himself that it was because he knew, better than most, the embarrassment of disrobing all of ones protective layers only to leave on display that which you are most ashamed of.

"All done," Remus said. Severus steadied his nerves.

When he turned, he immediately found Remus' gaze.

"Subject's eyes appear more amber in color than their usual blue shade," Severus said. The quill worked along the parchment on its own. "Is that usual?"

"I don't know," Remus admitted, his hands wrapping around his chest, trying to cover up what could no longer be hidden. "I can't say I've ever noticed myself." He hesitated Severus saw. "Other people have said the same though." Severus nodded.

He hadn't looked. He wasn't entirely sure why he hadn't done so yet. I must truly be getting soft and sentimental in my old age, he thought to himself. His left arm felt heavy at his side as he stood and approached the other man, finally examining the string of numbers across his collarbone.

"Tattooed with a needle made of silver," Severus stated, reaching a hand out to touch the raised flesh, but he caught himself before he could. He glanced up at Remus, their faces just inches from one another. Remus nodded once and turned his head, staring across the room at a shelf of things he had no interest in.

Severus felt the muscles tense beneath his fingers and he dragged them across the tattoo. They felt hot, his skin red and raw looking. As if Remus had only just been branded. Severus made note of it in the notebook.

He asked, "Is it always so angry?"
Remus nodded, "It's worse at the full moon."
"When you're transformed, where does it sit?"
"I'm not entirely sure, my belly maybe."
Severus nodded. "Where it'll be protected most protected."
"That's right," Remus said, turning back to face the man in front of him. He looked down to see where Severus fingers were still touching him.

At this angle, looking at Severus, he thought he saw something. Something, like the floaters in the corners of one's eyes that vanished the moment you noticed them. For a moment, he wanted to search for what he had thought he'd seen, but he found himself turning back towards the far wall. In the corner of his own eyes, Severus noted the furrow in Remus' brow, and stood up straight, dropping his hand.

"You do scratch at it," Severus said. He grabbed the quill and began to write.

Remus nodded again, folding his arms across his chest again. Not looking at Severus. "I do, yes," he took a breath. "It isn't exactly painful, but it bothers me. More of a phantom pain though."
Severus turned to regard him for a moment. "Do try to be less contradictory. Is it painful, or is it not?"
Remus took a deep breath and started pacing again. "It is painful. But, it's a stinging, numb sort of pain. Bearable, but always there. The pain isn't why it bothers me though. Can't you understand that?"

Remus hadn't meant to sound so accusingly.

"I can," Severus said brusquely, turning away and writing even more. His notes would be just as meticulous as Poppy's.
"Why does it bother me, Severus?" Remus asked, settling down on the stool once again, a frown etched on his face. Severus thought he sounded almost desperate for an answer. Perhaps he was.
"That is out of my realm of expertise," he answered.

Note book and quill in hand, he circled around Remus, beginning to note each of the larger scars littering the man's upper body. He would come back to deep, red scar at the juncture of shoulder and neck. That scar would never fade, as some of the older ones had. It would remain just as vivid as it had been years ago when he had first seen it, as vivid as it had been since Remus was just a boy.

There were far more marks than the last time Severus had done this. His writing faltered momentarily as he remembered Poppy's file which now lay on the worktop beside them.

Severus briefly wondered if Remus had ever seen his own body fully. He doubted it.

He was littered with scars and marks, scratches that had healed rapidly but still left the faintest of white lines across his back, chest, and arms. The larger, clearly claw marks, where up high on his back. Where the wolf would have clawed at his own head and neck as best as it could reach. The broader, less defined, fading sets of marks were perhaps left by the wolf throwing itself against the walls of the Shack, going mad with thirst before the Wolfsbane. The ones along his chest were undoubtedly from fights with other creatures. The marks Severus may have been the worst were the rough burns long his wrists, where he'd been chained up with silver shackles to weaken the wolf.

Severus never asked how he had gotten those particular marks, whether he'd had help shackling himself; Remus had never said. They were much more faded now than they were before. He thought that in just a couple of years, they may be just discolorations against Remus' tanned skin. He found he was rather glad for that.

For a while, they only spoke when Severus asked about a particular mark and Remus answered as best as he could. Severus could tell Remus wanted to say something else. He silently hoped he wouldn't, as he wasn't sure he'd have an answer for whatever it was Remus was going to say.

#####

"What does it feel like for you?" Remus finally did ask, turning his head slightly back to see Severus.
Severus took a long moment to consider. "It's just a scar now," he tried to lie.
"It is?" Remus questioned, turning around bodily to face Severus.

No secrets between friends.

"Only, it isn't at all, is it? It burns without burning. It sits heavy against your skin, and even heavier on your mind. No matter how many layers you cover it with, it sits there, wide open, and you can only hope that no one else can see it. Though you know that's silly, because they all know it's there."

This conversation was quickly turning into one Severus had no desire to continue.

"You're projecting," he said. "It's just a scar. And I much prefer it to the alternative. Would you like me to prove it?"
"Only if you'd like," Remus said, his hands clasped together in his lap.

Severus began unbuttoning the thick cotton sleeve. He wanted to show Remus. His scars, everything they represented, were his penance. Remus' didn't have to be. His could just be marks on his skin. He began rolling up his sleeve, his left arm outstretched. Severus didn't look at Remus; Remus almost didn't want to see, but he didn't turn away.

Remus tried to hide his gasp, but he feared he hadn't done a good job of it. The flesh, as Severus revealed it inch by inch, stood out in stark contrast with the rest of Severus' pale, sallow skin. The sudden ache he felt in his chest at seeing Severus' scar, he knew, was much deeper than the ache he felt for his own.

Where Remus had once seen the Dark Mark black as night stood out in relief on his skin, there was only scarred flesh. The scar however, gouged into Severus' inner arm, looked almost charred. As if it had burned away after Voldemort was defeated, and left a dark pool of crisscrossed threads of skin.

Remus thought, if he squinted, he might still be able to make out the shape of the Mark. Like, the Mark hadn't disappeared at all, but morphed into what it was now. It was not just a scar. Remus wondered if when he touched it, whether the skin would disintegrate under his finger.

He reached a hand out to touch the sunken flesh, but he caught himself before he could. He glanced up at Severus, their bodies so close to each other. Severus nodded once and turned his head, staring across the room at the shelves of potion ingredients.

Remus felt the muscles tense beneath his thumb as he ran it across the scar. It felt very warm. As if Severus had only just been scrubbing the scar raw. Remus made a mental note, before pulling his hand away, of how Severus' skin felt against his own.

Severus swallowed at the loss of contact and immediately began unrolling his sleeve to cover himself up.

"It's just a scar, you see," he said when he was buttoned up once again. "Your mark need be only skin and ink. The pain, the fear, the shame – that's all in your head, Lupin. You needn't be afraid of it."

Remus felt that deep ache again. "Oh, Severus," he said, a sad, soft smile on his face. He nodded because Severus was right after all. His mark was nothing by skin and ink. Everything else was indeed in his head. "If only it was that easy, and if only it was true for us both."

I haven't given up, not yet. Show some love, let me know you're still with me.
New year, new chapters. I swear it.