Things I Cannot Do in Berk Anymore

A/N I took one of those fanboy fantasy trips to Berk. Most people find a new Night Fury and help Hiccup repel an invasion; all I did was get in trouble. As a public service, I'll share the list of things I was told I must never, never do again if I ever go back there. Should you, the reader, take one of those fangirl or fanboy trips to Berk, you can save yourself a world of hurt by not doing any of these things.

(If you don't "get" some of these, be aware that a few are based on the characters' voice actors. Look up their names and find out what other films and shows they're famous for.)

o

Never tell Astrid she looked better when she was disguised as Heather.

Do not ask Snotlout if he ever got anywhere with Jules.

Don't tell Fishlegs they're coming out with a new edition of the Book of Dragons that's going to change all the dragons' stats.

Training Barf and Belch to cross their necks, so the twins ride the wrong head, is funny for a minute but just isn't worth it.

Leaving a trail of bacon bits from a Terrible Terror communal nest to Ruffnut's room... bad idea.

I don't recommend telling Stoick you have an important message from Alvin on your iPod, and then playing "Christmas Don't Be Late" by Alvin and the Chipmunks.

Stoick is also not impressed if you tell him to stand up against the entire Berserker army with just 300 warriors and yell, "This is Sparta-a-a!"

Don't use fish to play tug-of-war with Toothless. It's okay; Frodo got along with nine fingers, and I will, too.

Do not paint an outhouse blue and tell Spitelout it's a TARDIS.

If you see Hiccup and Astrid together, don't ask, "So, when's the wedding, you two?" She doesn't like it.

If you give Mildew a laptop, don't install "Dragon Naturally Speaking" software on it.

Stormfly does not take it well if you tell her that her colors clash with Astrid's outfit.

Don't ask Gobber if he can get you Drew Carey's autograph.

I don't recommend borrowing Hookfang to help at a weenie roast, unless you like all your weenies burned to a blackened crisp.

Magnetizing Hiccup's metal leg overnight, so all the iron scraps and filings in the forge stuck to him the next day, was described as "really stupid."

Painting "KICK ME" on Meatlug's side while she's asleep will not win you many friends.

When introduced to Ruffnut and Tuffnut, do not ask, "Which one is the girl?"