Chapter 22

Tauriel and Kili were trying to fight off Bolg. It was a little difficult, seeing as the orc was like 9 feet tall and had metal stapled to most of his body.

"I am grabbing you by the face!" Bolg grabbed Kili by the face and raised the pointy end of his war hammer, ready to strike.

"Noooo!" Tauriel tried to stop him, but slipped on all three curling irons at once. Thankfully, Smaug showed up and ate Bolg.

The dragon burped. "That was some good metal."

"Wait, so…you eat metal?"

"No, I just decided to try it because I thought it would be fun," Smaug sassed. "Of course I eat metal!"

Kili and Tauriel stared. "Does that mean you were eating the gold in Erebor?"

"How the hell else would I go a full century without starving?"

Both elf and dwarf were unsure how to feel about that.

-On Some Random Ice Place-

Thorin was fighting some orcs on a frozen-over lake. Read: he kept slipping on the ice and flailing around but since he was holding his sword he accidentally killed several enemies. The rest died of asphyxiation due to laughing.

Finally, all the orcs died. "Well, that was a good time," Thorin casually threw his sword over the side of the waterfall.

"I can't believe you just did that," Smaug commented from where he had been watching the whole thing.

"Eh. What could go wrong?"

Azog chose that moment to appear. He'd chosen a wicked sword extension from his Swiss Army Arm and he had a stone block and chain in his other hand. "Bitch I might be!"

"Are you just going to say that every time you show up?"

"Bitch I might!"

"Please stop."

"Bitch!"

There was a random screaming noise and Orcrist dropped down from the sky, nearly slicing Thorin's nose off. Legolas waved at them from above, where he was still on the bat.

"How did Legolas end up with Orcrist?" Thorin wondered, picking up the sword.

"B!" Azog said.

"Fine. Dance-off, bro. You and me."

Unfortunately for Thorin, 'dance-off, bro' in the Black Speech meant 'your mom was a bitch, I crapped on your father's grave at one point, and your eyebrow game sucks, so fight me'. All that in those three words.

Azog roared in outrage and charged. And slipped. And fell.

Thorin roared as well, but in the laughing sense. "Get ready to die, asshole!" The dwarf charged and slipped as well, falling on his face.

"I'll get you!" Azog flopped around like a Magikarp, his Swiss Army Arm extensions flailing. Thorin was slowly rotating in a circle on his back.

Smaug pissed himself from laughing.

Eventually the two of them had a nice routine going, with Thorin pulling some sick moves and falling on his ass occasionally, and Azog trying to kill Thorin and falling on his ass occasionally. It was a sad sight for the intelligent, but extremely entertaining for the mentally disadvantaged.

"HEY!" Smaug yelled.

Just then, Thorin breakdanced into Azog's leg, causing him to slip and fall. Since the ice was really cracked by this point, the pale orc fell through into the freezing subzero water, disappearing forever.

"HA! I WIN!" Thorin cackled, flexing his muscles. Then he noticed Azog floating peacefully underneath the ice. Well, peaceful except the fact that he had both middle fingers up. "HEY! YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE DEAD!"

Azog stabbed Thorin though the foot and broke through the ice. "Bitch I might be!"

Just then Fili crashed onto the scene, riding one of the were worms. The behemoth ate Azog, crapped him out, and then ate that. It was extremely horrifying to watch, but in the end they were all glad the Pale Orc was finally dead.

Everyone stood around in awkward silence. "Did we just win?"

-Later-

"The eagles are coming!" Bilbo burst into the room in Dale where Thorin, Gandalf, Bard, Thranduil, Tauriel, Legolas, Beorn, Radagast, Dain, and the rest of the Company were hanging out. Smaug and the two were worms were also crammed in there somehow. Drake and Lindir watched from afar.

"Oh my god, Bilbo, that happened like two hours ago!" Gandalf sassed. "Where have you been anyway?"

"Well, I was in Canada, then I came back to Dale, then I had to go to Ravenhill to warn Thorin about the other army—"

"What other army?"

Bilbo stared. "You know, the other orc army that was coming from the north."

Legolas burst out laughing. "Oh, those assholes? We blew up Gundabad and killed them all before they could leave. I just said they were coming because I felt like it."

Bilbo lunged. "You blond asshole son of a bitch—"

"Well, I'm leaving," Thranduil announced, getting up. Somehow his legs had turned into spaghetti noodles. "Go get the drunk."

"Irm colok tolehy!" Dain stood up, and accidentally flew out the window.

"My entire city is ruined and most of my homies are dead," Bard sighed. "Why not?"

But before Bard could make an exit, several people in uniforms burst into the room, waving guns. One of them had blenders taped to his hands.

"Middle Earth Police! You're all under arrest!"

"On what charge?" Gandalf demanded.

All the policemen made a huddle and had a long discussion. "Hey, we don't need to justify ourselves, we're police!"

Everyone was rounded up and arrested. After drawing straws, one of the cops went to go arrest Smaug, tears in his eyes. The handcuffs didn't fit, and the dragon quickly ate him. The were worms had tunneled away long ago, and Bilbo had put on his ring and disappeared.

"Well, this is a bit…." Thorin put some shutter shades on. "….unexpected."

"YEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!"
-Seven-ish Months Later-

"Wow, it's so great to be going back home!" Bilbo exclaimed. He was finally on the borders of the Shire, after months of traveling and somehow not dying.

"Same!" Gandalf exclaimed. "I can't wait to get some more of that sickass weed your cousins sell."

The hobbit froze and turned around. "How long have you been following me?"

Gandalf stroked his beard. "The only time we have is the time which time decided to be given to us."

"…Didn't you get arrested?"

The wizard laughed loudly and longly. "Bitch, I'm a wizard! By the way, you never said goodbye to any of the dwarves when you left."

"Yeah, I know. I'm assuming they're not in jail either. I guess it was implied. I sure miss them though!" Bilbo said with a very forced laugh.

"Well, why don't you tell them yourself?"
He turned around…and there they were, all thirteen of them.

"We followed you too!" Dori pointed out unnecessarily.

"WHERE'S THE ALCOHOL?"

Bilbo fell to his knees. "NOOOOOOOOOOO!"

-Epi(c)logue-

Bilbo and Thorin ended up getting married and had sixteen children named John, George, Paul, Ringo, Merry, Pippin, Frodo, Sam, Groot, Legolas, Gimli, Gandalf, Aragorn, Boromir, Bill, and Snart.

Fili became best friends with the were worms and taught them how to braid and stuff.

Kili and Tauriel also became best friends and went shopping like every day, gurl!

Dori finally went to school.

Nori went on to live a normal life.

Ori BECAME EVEN MORE AWESOME, YO!

Bifur killed everyone.

Bofur became locked in eternal combat with Balin.

Bombur set up a quiet restaurant in Erebor, then ate everything.

Oin got caught in the middle of Bofur and Balin's eternal combat and sustained multiple injuries.

Gloin became king of Erebor since everyone else was busy.

Dwalin and Thranduil stole every alcohol ever.

Radagast disappeared from the franchise forever.

Saruman became involved (financially, politically, legally, sexually) with Sauron.

Beorn had a child through asexual reproduction and named it Gr1mB30rn.

Bard joined the Middle Earth Police after bailing everyone out with his skillz.

Legolas became involved in a homosexual relationship with someone called Strider.

Dain bacon knegne udner tooth mononelenmely.

Smaug grew hair, moved to London, and became a consulting detective.

Lindir is watching. Look behind you.

IT ENDED

Jesus, I can't believe this is over. It certainly was a wild ride and I really enjoyed writing this. Thanks a lot to Thranduil's Party Moos VIII, LilyRosetheDreamer, and LavenderCrystalofRoses for all their amazing supportive reviews. (Y'all have super majestic pen names btw)

If you're looking for more crazy shit, I wrote a Sherlock parody a few minutes ago. The first chapter is already up so go check it out!

Side note: I just realized I've been calling the were worms "earth eaters" this entire time even though that name was never mentioned in canon. I fixed it for this chapter. hhhaah I'm such a dumbass

Anyway, thanks once again to everyone who read and reviewed/followed/favorited. See you next time! Lindir is watching.