If you flunk the Bechdel Test do you have to take a remedial?
"I thought this was girls night out," Darcy stated, playing with the umbrella in her piña colada as she hunched against the bar table, swinging her feet slightly over the floor. "I mean that's the distinct impression I got when you invited me."
"Well it's technically not 'Girls Night Out'," Natasha corrected, toying with her vodka martini. She tossed her scarlet hair over her shoulders, her eyes unconsciously scanning the bar with the movement. It was the sort of ever so slightly kitschy, partially weird, place that only locals would think to enter and no one who could be remotely considered a power player. The floor looked clean despite being faintly sticky. The upholstery was dated and faded but not worn, the staff carried themselves with the air that could only be described as New York native; sharp and quick and lacking in indulgence. They were practically invisible in a place like this.
"You see," Pepper lounged back in her chair, crossing her long elegant legs. "Girl's Night Out is when we escape from our boyfriends and then get drunk and complain about them. This, technically, is Bechdel Night Out."
"How does that work exactly?" Jane asked, sipping her margarita. Betty only shrugged in bewilderment.
"It's simple really," Natasha smiled. "We get drunk and we talk about anything but men."
"When you stop and think about it, that's probably more reasonable," Betty conceded, her brain clearly whirling in a mass of mental health related permutations.
"When you've worked at STARK industries as long as I have, it's an absolute necessity," Pepper insisted.
"So we're allowed to discuss work, embarrassing things we did in college, and good books." Jane's cheeks colored in a healthy blush.
"Just not anyone we're involved with," Natasha nodded, she paused for a moment with a frown. "I'm thinking we should include male parents on the ban list."
"Looks like someone's read my file," Betty gave her a dry look.
"I get it," Darcy grinned, taking a long sip. "at least I think I get it... mostly, but I just have to ask, what's he doing here?" She jerked her head in the direction of the unmistakable black suit.
"I'm your sassy gay friend," Phil Coulson stated with his most impassive expression, washing it down with scotch. Darcy blinked at him blankly.
"There are so many things wrong with that statement, I don't even know where to begin," Jane admitted as Natasha struggled not to laugh.
"Phil kind of needs girls night out more than the rest of us," Pepper giggled. "So we adopted him. Now that you're all working in Stark Tower, we'll just have to adopt you too."
"How is this my life?" Darcy asked in wonderment as Jane giggled. Pepper's phone vibrated against the table and she glared at it.
"Tony, you're being that boyfriend," she declared firmly as she pressed the phone to her ear with a dark frown. "don't be that boyfriend."
"I'm a category now?" Tony demanded, his tone drenched in sarcasm as thick as honey and twice as sticky.
"I'm out with the girls," Pepper reminded.
"Barton says that Coulson's with you," Tony countered.
"I'm not having this conversation with you," Pepper shook her head.
"Well what..."
"I mean it Tony," She insisted. "Bother, Steve, bother Bruce, put on the suit and have a smack down on the roof with Thor for all I care but give me one evening to myself."
"I'm bored," he pouted.
"Goodnight, I'll see you later," the phone clicked off and Tony sulked at it.
"She just threw you both under the bus," he said finally, tossing his phone on his work bench with a sigh. "I want you to know that."
"I told you not to call," Bruce stated, never looking up from the microscope. Tony turned to glare at Steve who was sprawled out on the sofa in the corner with his charcoals.
"Under the bus," Steve rolled the words around with a questioning look.
"She told him to aggravate the two of us instead of calling her," Bruce supplied. Steve winced noticeably and Tony's eyes narrowed.
"Aren't you the least bit curious what Betty's doing?" Tony demanded, deciding to let it go.
"Captivated by the very thought," Bruce insisted, never looking up.
"Tony, I'll admit I don't know much about... women but even I know they don't like to be controlled," Steve offered.
"You were going to say 'dames' weren't you?" Tony demanded, an evil smile curling his lips. Steve's ears turned pink and Tony huffed in self satisfaction. "You forfeit on the grounds of being too old, Captain Relic."
"You could try simply texting her to say you're thinking about her and you hope she's enjoying herself," Bruce suggested. He was met with silence and he finally looked up, pinning Tony with an unshakably calm expression.
"I tried that once," Tony finally admitted.
"And," Bruce prompted.
"She ran out of a board meeting and called demanding to know if I was dying," Tony admitted awkwardly. Bruce bit his lip and on the couch in the corner Steve broke down in a fit of coughing that sounded suspiciously like muffled laughter.
"Charcoal dust," he insisted, brushing at his drawing pad as Tony turned a withering look on him. Bruce only sighed, returning his attention to the microscope.
"I think your nanobots are suffering some form of personality disorder," he admitted finally.
"If that was a dig, you and I are though," Tony snapped irritably. Steve let out a proper laugh, rolling to his feet and stretching before crossing the lab to grasp Tony by the shoulders.
"Come on," he stated, shoving Stark gently toward the door. "You can help me make spaghetti and we'll all watch a movie."
"I'll be up as soon as I finish this test," Bruce replied.
"Tell Thor and Barton, would you?" Steve asked, Bruce only nodded, waiting until the door closed to pull out his phone.
Is Tony always an insecure ass?
Yes, yes he is.
Did Pepper really throw me under
the bus?
I'm afraid my loyalty to Girl's Night
prevents me from divulging.
It's a prestigious institution with a long
and glorious tradition.
Did you just quote the Princess
Bride?
I'm not at liberty to say.
I love you, you idiot.
I love you too
Betty looked up from her phone with a wide smile, her gaze shifting to Darcy who was teetering in her seat.
"So I turn and just as I'm looking at the door there's this huge explosion!" Darcy cast her hands wide as if she were a mushroom cloud and Jane let out a groan, burying her face in her hands.
"It was not an explosion!" She protested.
"Who's telling this story?" Darcy demanded before turning back to her giggling audience. "And the guy grabs my arm and kind of half shoves me out of the way. So I popped my taser out of my bag and I zapped him."
"You tased a librarian?" Pepper asked wide-eyed.
"He had it coming," Darcy insisted. "So I sort of climbed over him before security could catch me and I barreled though the door and what do I find?"
"You are not telling any more embarrassing college stories that involve me." Jane objected with a scowl.
"I wouldn't have any embarrassing college stories if it weren't for you," Darcy replied, wide eyed.
"Do you feel that?" Phil interrupted, his brow furrowing in concern.
"That vibration?" Natasha asked. Phil nodded.
"It's Darcy, bouncing up and down in her chair," Betty stated, trying to hold in a giggle. Natasha smiled, her hand slipping inside her leather coat and secreting out her phone.
How's things in the Magic Kingdom?
I'm down in the gym with Ariel, he's
trying to be part of our world again.
What about Mulan?
Fiona said he's making pasta with
Aurora.
So everything's good?
If you can call belly aching about
romantic stupidity good. What about
you and Snow White?
Yeah we're ok.
You sure?
Yeah. Merida, keep your eyes open.
Always, Flynn.
"I do not understand why she appeared so vexed with me," a slight pout pulled at Thor's lips and Clint sighed, turning off his phone and stowing it in his pocket before returning his attention to the weight machine.
"She's probably not that upset," Clint assured, looking up at the demigod as Thor swung his thirty pound free-weights in massive circles as if he were doing some form of aerobics. "What did you say to her?"
"I asked if she would not be safer if I accompanied her," Thor replied. Clint stared at him blankly a moment.
"Sorry pal, you're thoroughly screwed," He shook his head at Thor's budding expression. "Not the good kind."
"Oh."
"Look, I've seen that friend of yours, Sif isn't it?" Clint pointed out. "So I know you must understand that women aren't helpless."
"Sif is one of the most formidable warriors of Asgard," Thor nodded. "She has never been defeated in combat by any beyond our shield brother's and those times have been few and far between."
"All right," Clint nodded, setting up the leg press. "Now think about how Sif would feel if you said that to her."
"I should never have cause to say such a thing to the lady Sif," Thor insisted. "she is a warrior of great renowned."
"She can take care of herself," Clint agreed. "So can Jane."
"Jane is a scholar of great wisdom," Thor looked at him with a perplexed expression.
"And she's no dummy," Clint agreed.
"I do not understand then why she did not welcome my presence," Thor insisted. "In my homeland it is the most honored task of the warrior class to stand guard over the ranks of the wise and learned so that they may devote themselves fully to deeper knowledge."
"Back the truck up here," Clint said with a grin. "Are you telling me that on Asgard bookworms rank higher than asskickers?" Thor stared back at him in bewilderment.
"Sorcerers... Scientists, like Jane..." Clint tried not to laugh. "Asgard puts a lot of stock in them?"
"It is considered quite a coup to win the heart of a scholar, yes," Thor stated proudly. Clint slumped back on the bench laughing until his sides ached. When he finally opened his eyes Thor was staring down at him worriedly.
"Are you well, friend Barton?"
"Dude, when she comes home later, tell her that," Clint snickered, rubbing his forehead. "Just tell her how prestigious it is that you managed to get a scientist for a girlfriend. It should fix at least most of your problems."
"Do you believe so?" Thor asked, helping him up.
"I know so," Clint nodded, thumping his arm. "Don't worry about it. Just trust me." Thor's brow knitted and he looked down at the floor.
"The ground trembles," Thor observed.
"Seriously?" Clint frowned. "I don't feel anyt..."
The shockwave hit him so hard he was slammed to the floor before he even had a chance to realize his feet had left the hardwood.
Notes:
A little note on Clint and Natasha's code names:
Clint and Nat are pretty much the best besties in the history of the universe in my headcanon. The other Avengers kind of have a betting pool as to how much is actually going on there but that's another note all together.
They both share a rather guilty attachment to animated fantasy films, both Disney and Dreamworks and one night, after Beauty and the Beast and too much vodka, the subject of Tony's stupid Clint nicknames came up. Clint insisted that if Tony was going to keep calling him Merida that turn about was fair play and they engaged in a debate over which Princess could replace which Avenger and no one would notice.
Of course Thor is Ariel, because he doesn't really belong in our world, but he's going to do everything in his power to make a place for himself here.
Tony is Mulan, because, after all, he's donned a mask and taken on a role he's ill equipped and completely unprepared for, surviving mainly on wits and luck.
Bruce is Fiona. Big... green... transformation... do the math.
Steve is Aurora, Sleeping Beauty, though being asleep under a sheet of ice for seventy years isn't really all that attractive.
And Coulson is Snow White. Because he died... but he got better.
At which point it seemed unfair that Natasha wasn't a princess, and Clint said so. Natasha insisted that she didn't need to be a princess because she clearly couldn't be replaced. Clint grudgingly agreed that this was true and told her she could pick her princess.
She settled on Flynn Rider, because, in her words he was "The most badass princess in Disney history"
Clint was forced to agree.
This story is part of a series called "Coulson Lives but the Avengers Might be the Death of him." The full list of stories and their chronological order can be found on my profile page