Author's Note: I know I wrote this fic digitally, but I still had to wipe the dust off it.

Chapter 20: Tale of Godiva

Ten days before the 57th Excursion Beyond the Walls

"I mean, don't you think it was overkill, Captain?"

Levi's sheet-burning transgression left an angry black mark on the front lawn that would not come out with regular soap and water. It was not the sort of mess that Levi thought of as a mess; in fact, he saw it as akin to the imperfection of a scar. A proud blemish.

"What? No one got sick after I did it."

"Yes, but…" Petra looked down at her plate. "Now the Commander cut the food budget to pay for more bedding…"

She poked at her plate of eggs, toast, and potatoes. Rather, she poked down at the egg-shaped potatoes, toast-shaped potato, and potato potatoes. Everything was potatoes now.

"Back in the Underground I killed a man for a potato when I was six," stated Levi.

Petra stared at him.

Erd leaned over her head. "What would you kill for today, Captain?" he asked.

Levi bit into a potato-egg and thought about it. "Something that isn't potato."

"That's fair."

The mess hall was a lot fuller and more lively now. Even Armin's fever broke; he was back to his usual cold, clammy self.

"My favorite thing about fevers," said Haruka, "is that doctors make you drink even more water." Little did he know that each day he inched closer to an osmosis-induced death.

"We start stable duty early today," stated Mikasa, over the loud sounds of Sasha absolutely cramming her meal down her gullet. "Because the southeast wing is still being fumigated against the stomach virus and all our equipment is in there."

"That's Jean's favorite duty," smirked Connie.

"Excuse me for enjoying mellow chores that don't involve back-breaking training," snapped Jean, pouring water into his cup from the table pitcher.

"Chores build character," said Reiner. "I like that they make us take care of our horses like that-"

"PFFFFFTB!"

"Jean, what-"

"WHY IS THE WATER POTATOES?"

Stable duty took up an average of 30% of the recruits' time. Many saw it as a waste, but the idea was that forming a bond with one's horse was of utmost importance that could make a difference between life and death outside the Walls. Most people didn't mind too much, it mostly involved grooming, feeding, and shoveling.

It was a chance for the 104th squad to wind down a bit during the day, too… Plus no one wanted to risk using lanterns around the gassy horses to work at night.

"Man I am exhausted." Always without shame, Ymir plopped herself down in a pile of hay, where she crossed her arms behind her head and closed her eyes.

"We have to feed that to our horses, Ymir," said Reiner sternly.

"Just pick around me okay."

He rolled his eyes.

"Does anyone know yet where we'll be in the formation during the excursion?"

"I bet they'll stick us all in the front," scoffed Jean.

"They won't," said Armin.

"How do you know?"

"Uhhh."

"They wouldn't," said Mikasa. "They want us to survive, so they wouldn't put us in a high-risk area without having any experience first."

"That's a big relief," said Connie. "Maybe we won't even have to fight them again."

Armin thought about the Titan pieces with the vulgarly carved out faces. Somehow he doubted that.

"I wonder what happens to the horses left behind," said Krista, feeding hers an apple and stroking its broad cheek.

"Titans don't really go after them, I think," said Connie.

"I don't like my horse, to be honest," confessed Armin. "It's really volatile."

"For real, what's up with him?" said Jean. "Even your hair color offends it."

Armin's horse, whom he dubbed Algorithm, gave him such a glare that the whites of his eyes were showing.

"Do you think I could switch out my horse?"

"Nah, you heard Captain Levi. Anyone who asks for a new horse has to ride Hormonal Hector to battle."

Hormonal Hector was a bull who lived on a nearby local farm. It was the only animal in history to be put on the known sex offenders registry.

"Maybe he's mad because you keep sneezing."

"OW!" screeched Sasha near her own horse. "He bit my finger!"

"That's because you're eating his apple."

"I gave it one!"

"No, you gave it a potato."

Her horse started kicking its stable door. It kicked up a lot of dust, which triggered Armin's wriggling nose.

"Ah… ah-Choo!"

Now all the horses were kicking.

"Dammit, Armin!"

"AH-CHOO! AH-CHOO!" He went into a fit.

"Whozzair?" Ymir woke up. "And who braided my hair?"

"You're welcome," said Reiner.

It was a horrible cycle of sneezing and kicking, made worse by Sasha's horse's apple jealousy.

Algorithm took his chance to reach passed Armin's shoulder and close the top door of his stall so that he wouldn't have to look at Armin anymore.

"Armin, let's get you outta here." Jean took pity and lead the watery-eyed child out the stalls to safety. In so doing, he forgot to make sure Godiva's stall was locked properly.

"Tch, what a shitty day…" Levi could finally wind down alone in his room after a long day of boring training and even more boring bureaucracy. He took a quick shower, put on silk pajamas, and lit a single candle so he could sit by the moonlit window and relax before bed with the tea he had made. It was most unwelcome, therefore, to hear the soft knock on his door.

Tch, this better be important… he set the tea down and marched across the room. "Who the shit is it?"

A small voice in the other side of his door said something he couldn't make out.

"What?"

He opened the door to see none other than that weird kid, Arlert, looking positively terrified as he saluted.

"I'm sorry to disturb you sir, I... I..."

"What."

Armin gulped, closed his eyes, and spoke fast. "Hanji sent me to give you contact information for caterers and designers for the gala. She said that if she came here herself you'd slam the door in her-"

SLAM

"Shall I slip these under your door then, sir?" came Armin's muffled voice through the wood.

"Tch."

He stomped back towards his chair, fully intending on throwing extra training at that Arlert brat first thing in the morning when his foot sunk through the wooden floor, yet again due to his science-boggling compressed weight.

"No- no no no-SHIT-!" He flung out his arms and reflexively squeezed triggers that weren't there.

"AAARGH!"

CRASH

He sank right into Petra's bedroom below him, his body landing with a hard thump and fresh debris raining on him.

"Wha… who's there?!"

"Ugh..."

Levi stood up and rubbed the back of his head, sore and filthy all over and hoping by some miracle that he didn't scare her too much.

… But waking up in the dead of night from the loud noise and seeing the strange man in her room, Petra screeched and launched herself at him for an attack before he could utter "wait Petra it's me -AGH!"

He sank like a sack of bricks under her punch.

"C-Captain?! Oh god oh god, I'm so sorry!"

"Ugh... not bad..."

"Here, let me help you up-" She took the hand that wasn't clutching his freshly bruised left eye, but nearly threw her back out trying to lift up his physically impossible heavy form.

"Don't worry about it Petra, I got it." He stood up with a groan, feeling his eye swelling under his hand.

"I'll go get you something for the swelling, wait here!" She hastily left the room, and then Levi heard a noise above him.

"Yo, Levi!" Hanji showed up after Armin went to report the loud noise to her. She threw the papers down the hole and shouted, "Try slamming the door now!"

She chuckled and turned to Armin. "See, Armin? He's all bark, don't let him intimidate you."

"If you say so, Miss Hanji… Uh, do you hear that?"

"Yeah, it sounds like someone running really fa- GYAH!"

She turned her head only to receive a flying kick from Levi straight into the floor hole and into Petra's room.

The next day, it was Levi's turn to train the new recruits. It was bright and sunny, the fumigation tent shining with the colorful appeal of a circus tent (an unfortunate likeliness for Connie and Sasha, who snuck in to "see the acrobat clowns" and succumbed to the toxins and now currently lay there in a coma).

Everyone was wondering whether Captain Levi would be incredibly harsh or completely apathetic as a superior. The answer was both.

"I'm not ranking anybody today," he spat, pacing around on his horse while everyone remained saluting on the grass. "But if any of you shit-eating vermin isn't still doing pushups by the time my worthless hour with you is over, you're getting toilet-scrubbing duty for the next year. Now DROP DOWN AND GIVE ME A THOUSAND."

"Sir, yes sir!"

"Uhhh, sir?" Nitori's small voice wafted towards Levi from behind, where he also sat, still glued, to his horse. "Shouldn't we be working more of the cadets' muscle groups?"

"Shouldn't you be watching Hanji while she tests her new Titans' 'free-roaming speeds'?"

"Oh- oh dear!" He sped off.

"Tch."

The author admits this scene is a placeholder.

"Did I not ban you from drinking on the premise?"

The low but strict voice startled Squad Levi, who had been, yet again, drinking and exchanging stories late into the night within the vacant dining hall.

"And we thought you were in your office," said Levi.

"You threw up in my office and then didn't clean it, do you not recall?"

"Oh, right." Levi took a swig from his mug. His squad members glanced between him and Erwin, not sure what to do with themselves.

"Why do you have a black eye, Levi?"

"Hm?"

"You have a black eye. What happened?"

Sitting between Erd and Gunther, Petra looked down at her cup with flushed cheeks.

"I fell down the stairs." Levi took another sip without averting his stare from the commander's stern eyes.

"I believe you," he said.

"Why don't you join us, Commander?" said Hanji, also red in the face, but not from embarrassment. "We've never seen you drunk!"

"That is because I do not get drunk," said Erwin. "My doctor has informed me that my liver works at triple capacity, but not to worry as it does not adversely affect my health."

"Tch," said Levi. "Too perfect to drink, now?"

"Well, I…" Erwin trailed off, nagged yet again by a feeling that his stringency and odd qualities isolated him from his subordinates.

"Come oooon," goaded Hanji.

"It's good stuff, sir," added Gunther, holding up a bottle of aged scotch. "Levi treats us every time we're about to go out on an excursion."

"… Very well, I suppose one drink couldn't hurt."

...

"And then," said Erwin, having drunk three times more than anyone else, "he tells me, 'We don't have the funds for that.' Right after he approves extra blades for the Military Police!"

"What?"

"Nah!"

"Ugh!"

"Unbelievable!"

"Man, Commander, no one appreciates what you do for us," said Erd after everyone's exasperated responses.

Erwin made a dismissive gesture. "Never mind any of that. What I truly need is the loyalty of my talented soldiers, and I am already blessed with that."

"Hear, hear!"

"Yes!"

"Between you and Captain," Auruo indicated Levi, "the Survey Corps is the best damn military branch in the Walls!"

"CHEERS!" They clunk their glasses together and drank.

"Hey, I wonder," said Hanji, smiling like she did whenever curiosity struck her, "who do you guys think would win in a fight between Erwin and Levi?"

"Definitely Captain Levi," said Petra. "He knows all the weak spots on the human body. And he's senselessly violent."

"Thank you, Petra."

"Nah, Commander Erwin for sure!" said Erd. "Not that Captain Levi isn't brilliant, but Commander is always ten steps ahead of the enemy!"

"Tch. As if Erwin would know-"

"You have three pocketknives and one hunting knife currently on your person," said Erwin, taking a sip. "Breast pocket, back pocket, sleeve, boot."

"…"

"You would also try using my height and center of gravity to my disadvantage. A rather useful tactic, but not against someone who is familiar with your fighting style, I'm afraid."

Levi opened his mouth.

"-and using your chloroform would just be cheating, Levi."

"Tch."

"Nice," said Hanji. "I'm putting my money on Erwin."

"You do have one weakness," said Levi to Erwin.

"Oh?"

"You're not as reflexive as I am."

"Really?"

"Oh yes. You've trained in a safe environment your whole life. I'd have to catch you off guard, but I could beat you."

Erwin smiled, remembering that day of Levi's first excursion several years ago. "Then I'll always have to be on my guard."

Levi responded with another "Tch," but only Erwin caught the slightest smirk on his face.

"Did you ever imagine you'd be where you are today?" asked Hanji, she too remembering the unsteady early days after Levi's recruitment and letting her curiosity get the better of her. "Did you ever think you'd be a high-ranking military officer, second-in-command to the strongest military in the Walls?"

He shrugged. "I never thought about any future beyond the next day, really. No one growing up in the Underground has that luxury."

Unexpectedly, this evoked pity from Hanji in her drunken state. She started to scrunch her face and tear up. "Oh, Levi. That's so sad!" She sniffed deeply and let the tears pour down her face in what Levi would only describe as an "ugly cry."

"Stop that, it's disgusting." Levi scrunched his nose and scooted his chair away from her, even though an entire two people sat between them.

"That must have been such a hard life," said Petra, patting Hanji's shoulder and handing her a handkerchief, "not knowing things like what you'll eat, where you'll sleep..."

"It wasn't that bad," shrugged Levi. "For one, I didn't have to pay rent or buy anything. I just took what I wanted, really."

"That's why you're here, Levi," said Erwin.

Levi lifted his mug in a small cheers before drinking from it.

Hanji sobbed harder and muttered something about "he didn't even get to have a social security card."

"Did you ever imagine you'd be Commander of the Survey Corps?" Gunther asked Erwin, while they were on the subject.

"Not in my wildest dreams." Erwin refilled his glass with the nearly-empty bottle. The gentle clinking noise of glass on glass echoed in the dining hall. "My original intention was to become Commander of the Military Police."

"What?"

"No way!"

"Why?"

"For the same reasons a lot of people did, and still do. For all the power and none of the work." They laughed.

"How do they even function?!"

"Very well, I might add!" "said Erwin. "It's quite a stress-free environment."

"Yeah, so was my mother's womb," chimed Erd, eliciting more laughter.

"Within my circle of colleagues at the time," continued Erwin, "you'd have to be crazy to want to join the Survey Corps, let alone lead it."

"You've always been a little off, from what I've heard," laughed Hanji, so drunk that she'd forgotten that she was crying about Levi a moment ago. "Even behind the perfection."

Erwin chuckled. "Nobody is perfect, Hanji. We all know that."

"Still, Commander," said Gunther, "we're glad you ended up here, whatever may have led to it."

"Hear hear!" and they clunk their glasses again.

Little did they know how Erwin's slight streak of madness would have still applied regardless of what title he held. It is worth noting that if he had stayed on his original path and became Military Police Commander, no one would want to join it for prestige anymore as he would crush corruption and spread their law enforcing throughout all three Walls within a week of his new position. Heck, even if he had started his career as a garbage man, the cities in the Walls would eventually become spotless, even by Levi's standards.

"I wonder what we'd do if we never joined the Survey Corps," thought Erd out loud. "Since we're all probably a little off."

"I for one don't think I'd be ready to join a normal society," confessed Petra. "Last month when I went to visit my family and we went to the park, I flew off the swing because I just couldn't adjust to it."

They burst out laughing at the vision.

"I thought my bedsheets were reins," said Auruo, "and when I was half-asleep in the moment, I whipped them and flung my mom's cat across the room." And he made an exaggerated arm-whooshing gesture.

"Oh, that's awful!" laughed Petra.

"I forgot how to use normal belts!" cried Erd. "My father handed me a belt before we headed out to a dinner party, and I told him 'What, that's it?'!"

"I can't cut anything normally now," said Gunther, wiping the tears from his eyes. "Whether it's cheese or fruit or meat. It's all crescent-moon slices."

"I tried chaining up two guys I saw on the street," declared Hanji, "because I was mad with grief over Sonny and Bean!" She was the only one laughing now. "Can you believe it?"

Erwin cleared his throat, and Hanji's laughter subsided.

"Well, everyone, this evening has been quite enjoyable. But I think we should turn in for the night-"

"Oh please, Commander! Tell us more stories about the elites!"

"And about the Military Police!"

"No no, I've had quite enough." He stood up from his chair, pushed it under the table, and made for the door. "I need to rest before tomorrow, and you all do too. Please go to bed, and no plotting to destroy any more wings, yes?"

Hanji snorted and nearly fell off her chair.

"Seriously though, all of you, it's late. Look at the time." Without thinking, Erwin pulled out his pocket watch and opened it. A piece of paper fell out, folded but with a small, scribbled "To Erwin" visible over a deep red kiss mark.

"What is that?" asked Levi.

"Oh- er, it's nothing-" Erwin reached down to pick it up but Levi stood up and snatched it.

"Levi-"

"I recognize this handwriting."

"Levi, please, that is a personal-"

Levi dodged under Erwin's outstretched arm and unfolded it with deft hands.

"Levi, I order you to-"

Levi scanned through the paper, and the color left his face.

"You son of a bitch," he whispered. "It was you?!"

Erwin balked at his glare. Never having seen their Commander look so nervous, the others watched with mild, drunken interest.

"You and Lydia?!"

"Levi, I can explain-"

"You bastard!"

"Please, Levi, why don't we take this to my office-"

"ALL THIS TIME!?"Levi's breath had left him, so he spoke more and more in a crackling hiss.

Erwin raised his hands. "Yes, okay? I had an affair with your wife. I was a different man then, and I wish I could take it back-"

"She told me she fell in love with some Military Police shithead! Of course it had to be you!"

"Levi, you read the letter, she broke it off with me, alright? She couldn't stand commitments and she decided to break it off with all the men she was with at the time-"

"YAAAAAARRRRRRGHHHHHHH!"

With all the vigor of a rapid corgi attacking a mildly surprised great dane, Levi tackled Erwin to the floor and started wailing on him.

"Oh, shit," said Erd over the sounds of punching, "Levi wasn't kidding about those reflexes."

"ACK!"

"UGH!"

"MFF!"

"I've never seen him move so fast!"

"It's because he's fighting a human, not a Titan."

"Yeah, that makes sense."

"HURGH!"

"ARGH!"

"Commander Erwin was right about the knives though," said Petra, head tilted. "Oh, except for the one he keeps in his - oh there it is."

"ERGH!"

"I didn't think Erwin would miss one."

"MMF!"

"Well, he was mostly right. I mean, who keeps knives there?"

"HRUGH!"

"You would think Captain Levi of all people would clean it first."

They muttered their agreements.

"I'LL FUCKING KILL YOU!"

"AS IF I HAVEN'T HEARD THAT ONE BEFORE - ARGH!"

The Squad cringed as they witnessed Levi demonstrating his knowledge of human weak spots. Any lesser person than Erwin would surely lose all sensation on one side of their body and void their bowels.

"I think Levi would have made a good doctor, given the chance," observed Petra.

"Tell me about it, he knows more than I do," said Hanji.

"YOU WOULDN'T GIVE HER A CHILD, LEVI!" shouted Erwin, who had Levi pinned at the moment.

"I FUCKING HATE CHILDREN!" responded Levi, clocking him on the jaw.

"It should be illegal to vandalize artwork like that," said Auruo.

"YOU COULD HAVE HAD ANY WOMAN YOU WANTED, YOU BLONDE PIECE OF SHIT!"

"LYDIA WAS SPECIAL! YOU DIDN'T APPRECIATE HER!"

"I STUDIED ACCOUNTING FOR HER!" Levi had unpinned himself and now tried strangling Erwin from behind while clung to his back. Erwin reached over backwards and flipped him off himself.

"OOF!"

"Pass me the bottle?"

"Sure."

"GUH!"

"Do you think Commander Erwin keeps the soles of his boots clean?"

"Judging by Captain's facial expression, no."

"How can you tell with his face all squished?"

"I can tell."

"ARGH!"

"Are they still married?" Petra thought out loud.

"Technically, Levi wasn't considered a citizen then," said Hanji. "So I don't think it ever counted."

"UMPF!"

"Oh, that's good." The others at the table turned to look at her. "I mean, um, Captain Levi is better off without an unfaithful wife."

"UGH!"

"Yeah, I suppose so."

Erd moved slightly to his left to avoid the hunting knife being flung at his direction. It ended up stuck in the wall behind him with a resounding sproing.

"Is anyone else getting sleepy?" he asked, yawning.

"Yeah, what time is it? Erwin never told us."

"Aw, don't you guys want to see who wins?" pouted Hanji.

"It seems pretty evenly matched, they'll both just tire themselves out by morning."

"... Yeah, you're right." Several of them stretched and yawned.

"Goodnight, guys."

"Goodnight."

"G'night."

One by one they shuffled out, removing their jackets and yawning some more. Table emptied, they were spared Levi's angry, screaming form flying across it and sending mugs and glasses everywhere a moment later.

"I'm sorry I started a fight with you."

"And I'm sorry I had an affair with your wife."

The light of dawn barely breaking over the horizon, Erwin and Levi stood outside the temporary fumigation tent of the southeast wing and smoked fine cigars, the likes of which Erwin had not enjoyed since he'd first became Survey Corps Commander. Levi had procured them earlier to save for a special occasion, but he supposed that reconciliation with Erwin after a major fistfight was as good a time as any to smoke them.

They must have made for quite a sight for the guards who walked by hastily after saluting their superiors. Faces bloodied and bruised, and clothes slightly torn, they both winced as they took another puff through swollen lips.

"I didn't even love her, really, now that I think about it," said Levi. "We became infatuated after I caught her burglarizing my apartment, and we did an impromptu marriage at one of those places where the priest does wedding ceremonies on a walk-in basis."

"What did she steal from you?"

"My heart."

Erwin glanced at him. "Levi, I've never seen this side of you."

"What are you talking about? Trafficking organs is on my police record, you should know that about me."

"... Never mind."

They both took another slow inhale.

"I thought I loved her, too," admitted Erwin. "I first met her when I arrested her after she was caught inside a bank vault. I had to search her for a missing gold bar and she spent the entire time flirting with me." He inhaled his cigar and let the smoke escape his lips before continuing. "Anyway, it turned out she swallowed it. I still can't believe she fit that whole thing in her mouth."

Levi stared at Erwin's form for a bit, wondering indeed how talented Lydia had been.

"In the end she used me," continued Erwin. "I told the judge to be lenient on her, she swore to me she learned the error of her ways, that I changed her life, et cetera, et cetera. She had me walking her out the front doors of the courtroom with a smile on my face."

Levi nodded. "She had that effect on people."

"I was devastated, of course, when she told me she was married. Told her to come clean to you."

"What did she say?"

"She said you'd kill me."

Levi let out a dry chuckle. "I wouldn't have killed you. Would've beaten you up, though."

"Like now? Or like how you tried when we first met? And again after that?"

Levi frowned into the distance. "Why the hell did you even hire me?"

"Because you're a good soldier, Levi, and you didn't deserve that life Underground."

"And because you're always short-staffed?"

"That, too."

"Tch."

"Not that we're still not short-staffed with you here."

"Oh haha fuck you."

Erwin smiled, a tooth missing.

"I'm glad we got all of that friction out of our systems," he said.

"Me, too. We should do it again sometime."

"No."

"Tch."

The first light of the day broke over the horizon, shining directly into their eyes. They relished the moment for a while, not wanting to return to work so soon.

"Do you hear that?"

"Yes, sounds like a horse. Is someone coming?"

Godiva ambled into view around the corner.

"Huh, one of the recruits must have lost their horse," thought Levi out loud. She walked closer to them, interested in the tasty vegetation at their feet. It was at that moment that Levi's eyes traveled from the horse to the cigar in his hand, then the fumigation tent, then back to the horse before his heart dropped like an anchor.

"No."

Frrt

KA-BOOM

INFORMATION WE CAN SHARE SO FAR

Petra knows about Levi's extra hidden knife because of the splinter incident from Chapter 15

Author's Note: I wrote out this fight scene like a year and a half ago. It was one of my favorite things to write ever.

Anyway, I do apologize for the long stretches between chapters… On a personal note, it is partially due to me completely overhauling my life and starting again from scratch. It takes a lot of energy! But of course it makes me sad not to write, so I will try harder to push for regular updates.

((*nose grows*))

In the meantime, please review! It just makes my day and keeps me going :D

(AND AND I also encourage you to check out my newly written, non-crossover version of this fic on AO3, called "Shingeki No Kyoumi Ga Nai"!)