Part One

"Move your body like a hairy troll, learnin' to rock and roll,"

Those in the vicinity of Sirius Black ignored the soft singing coming from the back of the Transfiguration classroom.

"Spin around like a crazy elf, dancin' by himself,"

Remus, sat beside Sirius, twitched, his quill still scratching across his parchment as McGonagall droned on about the theory of transfiguring large animals.

"Boogie down like a unicorn, no stoppin' till the break of dawn, put your hands up in the air, like an ogre who just don't care."

Peter, on the other side of James on Sirius' left, trampled down a giggle.

"Oh! Can you dance the hippogriff, na na na na na na na na na, watchin' old Minerva dance, na na na na na na na na na, watch her shake her sexy arse—"

"SIRIUS BLACK."

The whole class flinched, but nowhere near as hard as the back row did.

"What was the verdict, then?" Remus asked when James and Sirius emerged from the classroom looking traumatised.

"Gotta clean the bottom of the desks without magic." Sirius grumbled.

"Wasn't even me." James muttered.

"It usually is." Peter shrugged reasonably.

"Without magic."

"At least it's not the toilets." Remus rationalised.

"We don't talk about that." Peter shuddered, rubbing his arms gingerly at the memory, "I still sweat to this day that that thing was moving."

"Why do you look like you've seen Slughorn naked?" Remus asked the other two with a frown as they made their way down to the Great Hall, where there were supposed to be witches and wizards with small businesses to talk to them in case they didn't get the grades the wanted in their N.E.W.T.s. James grimaced and Sirius barked a loud laugh, making a group of passing first years jump and speed up.

"Prongsy here said my lyrics were distasteful—"

"Disgusting." James corrected with a pain shake of the head.

"And McGonagoogly got all offended that he thought her arse was disgusting, so he said—"

"I think your arse is perfectly sexy." James filled in flatly.

"He asked her to shake it for him and see!" Sirius howled, grabbing Remus and pulling him down the hall in a clumsy waltz and declaring his love for McGonagall in between humming a disjointed version of the muggle wedding march.

"No one needs to see you flirting with Lupin, Black." came a snide drawl. Sirius stopped suddenly, leaving Remus to stumble into James, clutching onto his bag for dear life.

"Shut up, Snivellus, you're just jealous that you don't get to ravage such a spine specimen as Remus every night like I do." Sirius smirked, his hand inching towards his wand, but Remus grasped James and Sirius' arms and hauled them through into the Great Hall to avoid a duel there and then.

"Mooooony," Sirius whined as Remus dragged them to the side, "I was just looking forward to vanishing all of that greasy hair."

"Would've be a good favour." Peter nodded.

"Real selfless, like." James agreed. Remus rolled his eyes.

"You two have already got detention tonight," he reminded them, "And it's the twins' birthday. Unless you two want to miss out on the fun, I suggest you save your 'favour' until tomorrow."

"Good plan, Moony." James said seriously, "Any better ideas? I think we've already done the no hair thing."

Remus didn't answer, but his mouth twisted into a crooked grin that only appeared when he had a plan that was sure to make James and Sirius writhe in pleasure – most of the population of Hogwarts were under the impression that Remus Lupin was the perfect prefect, but the Marauders knew that that was just a disguise to hide behind; Remus was actually the mastermind behind many of their legendary pranks and had the most hilarious ways to make Slytherins blush and curse. At the sight of this grin now, Sirius nudged James and they exchanged an excited glance and agreed to wait.

Meanwhile, some representative from Human Resources in the Ministry was trying to talk over the bored hum of chatter emitting from the sixth years and quickly gave up, sitting in a corner with a huff and leaving them to the stalls placed around the edges of the Great Hall, in which the House tables had been vanished to create more room to walk around in. The Marauders trudged around the stalls, asking the nervous witches and wizards about their fairly boring business, occasionally scaring them with questions like, 'haven't you ever wanted to own a bordello?' and 'is that edible?'.

They reached the last stall after a mere ten minutes, adorned with flashing badges advertising 'Gill's Gilled Geese – Great for Catching Fish!' and such other things, and stopped. Remus glanced at Sirius' wide grin and sighed, wondering reluctantly what trouble he was going to get them into now – really, the man had no subtlety – where Remus would never get them caught, Sirius would earn a detention with every breath he took.

"Hello, ma'am, what is it you do?" Sirius asked with those old Black manners.

"I own a matchmaking business." The witch answered, looking a little disarmed by Sirius' dazzling smile, "I'm a seer, so my matches always work."

"Could we have a go?" Sirius asked politely. The witch nodded and Sirius pushed James forward. "The one with the unfortunate hair would like a reading."

"Padfoot, noooo! Moony help me!" James wailed, trying to get away, "If I find out that my Lily flower will never succumb to my manly charms, I will spontaneously combust! Do you want that, man? Do you want that?"

"Calm down, these things are never right." Remus said calmly, "They're just a money snatching scheme."

"I assure you, sir," the witch snapped, offended, "I am always right."

"Prove it." Remus smirked, grabbing James' hand and shoving it in the witch's direction. She narrowed her eyes at him as James sobbed dramatically, but took the offered hand and spent a long moment peering at his palm.

"Well?" Sirius asked with a grin when she looked up. The witch smiled at James.

"You will find love with her whom you most desire."

James whooped and pumped his fist in the air, "I knew it!" he cried, "I knew we were destined!" And with that, he disappeared in flurry of bad hair, calling out "Evans! I have proof that you're destined to have my devilishly good looking, ginger babies!"

"He's going to end up in the hospital wing and I'm going to spend detention alone." Sirius sighed heavily, gazing after James as he hurried after Lily out of the Great Hall. He turned to the witch seer again and grabbed Remus' hand for her to see.

"Hey! I don't believe in this rubbish!" Remus protested, yanking his hand back, but the woman had already gotten a good luck at his hand and sat back, smug. Remus glared at Sirius, smacking him upside the head.

"Do you want to know you're romantic fate?" the witch asked mysteriously.

"Yes!" Sirius chirped.

"No." Remus rumbled.

"Then I shall tell you half." She smiled infuriatingly, "You will fall in love with a close friend."

"Right," Remus nodded sarcastically, "Let's go, Pads."

"Noooo!" Sirius whined, "Make her tell the rest! Do you know who it is?" he added to the seer. Remus sighed and grabbed Sirius' arm, pulling him out of the Hall, Peter following him with a leaflet on 'Seducing Women out of Your League'.

"I wanted to know mine, too." Sirius scowled on their way up to Gryffindor Tower.

"You've obviously forgotten that we have a private party to plan for the Prewett twins in the dormitory and we have to do it now since you and Prongs have landed yourself in detention after dinner."

Sirius pouted, but nodded and followed obediently.

"Oi, oi, oi, oi…" James repeated before giggling for a moment."

"What, Prongsy?" Sirius slurred, leaning forward to address the question directly to his best friend's nose. It was past midnight and the Prewett twins' sixteenth birthday party was in full swing in the sixth year boy's dormitory. Gideon and Fabian Prewett were surrounded by sweet, empty bottles and socks – a dormitory tradition of gift giving that hadn't been broken yet – Frank Longbottom was passed out on the footboard of Peter's bed, said Wormtail was humming the rude version of Celestina Warbeck's most recent Christmas hit, James was trying to repeatedly and unsuccessfully get the room's attention, Sirius was slurring and talking to people's extremities and Remus was swaying in time with Peter's humming, gulping at his seventh bottle of firewhiskey.

"Oi," James said again.

"You say that one more time, I stick this bottle up your fucking arse." Remus growled, the threat only slightly dampened by a loud hiccup on the end.

"Only 'cause you wanna shove something else up there!" James chortled merrily.

"I'd rather shag Merlin's underwear drawer." Remus answered with another hiccup.

"Now, now, ladies," Gideon grinned too widely, "What did you wanna say, James, old boy?"

"We should play Never Have I Never ever Have Ever Never Ever…or something like that." James stumbled, his pleased grin not faltering once.

"Never Have I Ever." Peter corrected in a random moment of sobriety.

"Yeah but with things we have done, not haven't." James added seriously, "Otherwise it's boring."

"I'm in." Fabian announced. His twin followed suit.

"If I have to." Peter shrugged.

"Ditto." Remus scowled.

"I'll play, too!" James crowed, forgetting that it had been his idea.

"Me too!" Sirius chimed, "How about you, Frank?"

Deathly silence emanated from Peter's bed.

"Frank says he doesn't like the game." Sirius said sadly.

"Who goes first?" Fabian asked, glancing around the circle and appearing to make himself dizzy by doing so, as he had to clutch his head and blink slowly a few times.

"Someone who has had enough experiences to get us going." James grinned, turning to Sirius, "Padfoot, you old dog, you first."

Sirius bowed at having been implied as a slut and tapped a finger on his chin thoughtfully whilst taking a sip of firewhiskey, sloshing most of it down his shirt, "Hmm…okay! Got one – never have I ever gotten a handjob."

There was an appreciate murmur throughout the circle and all the boys, except Frank – who they felt had a reasonable excuse of being unconscious – drank from their bottles.

"Who?" Gideon asked Peter in surprise, who looked indignant at the surprise

"That's not the rules." Remus said flatly.

"Who cares?" Sirius grinned, "Who?"

"Zoe Flatwood." Peter answered, managing to look dignified.

"Zoe, Zoe, Zoe…" James murmured thoughtfully – or as thoughtful as one could be whilst absolutely sloshed on Roserta's finest – before lifting an enlightened finger, "Aha! That fifth year girl! Blonde, little bit chubby?"

"I like something to hang on to." Peter huffed. James, Sirius and Fabian wolf whistled and made cat calls at the comment and Remus shifted uncomfortably, knowing what was coming.

"Reeeemuuuusssss!" James sang. He leaned forward and leered, "What about you, who?"

"I'm a gentleman." Remus frowned, "I don't kiss and tell."

"Pah!" Sirius exclaimed, "Gentleman my left arse cheek! That act may work on the rest of the school, but it doesn't work on us! If only your worshippers could see you smoking a joint, or smacking a Slytherin in the chops, then you would be looked upon as we are – stupid and wastes of anyone's time."

They all stared for a moment, shocked by the monologue uninterrupted by any slurs, until James shook himself and grinned again.

"Come on Moony!"

Remus sighed and took another mouthful of drink before saying, "Jillian."

"Who…? Oh my…Merlin's beard…Lily's friend? Are you on good terms still? Did you put in a good word for me for her to tell Lily? Could you do it again? Why didn't you tell me? Ohmygod—"

"I knew you'd get like this." Remus sighed again.

"I'll stop." James frowned, pouting, "It could've been worse though."

"How?"

"You could've said Lily."

"Well…"

"You little—!"

"Joking! Joking!"

"Right." Sirius said loudly, clapping his hands together, "James, next!"

"Right," James repeated, nodding, "Never have I ever…been sucked off!"

"An imaginative step up from the last one." Remus said shrewdly, but took a drink along with Sirius, James and Fabian. Peter and Gideon kept their bottle in their laps sadly.

"Who?" Sirius smirked at Remus.

"Why am I always asked? Why not you?"

"Because everyone knows I'm a whore. You're the good one."

"You just said I'm not a gentleman."

"You're not, but you are the good one – you take notes in class and everything!"

"Point taken." Remus shrugged and drank again before saying, "Robin Harris."

Silence overtook the room as they all thought hard, but failed to match a face to the name. Suddenly, Gideon gasped and stared at Remus.

"Robin's not a girl…" he stated to the circle, "Robin's that tall, dark and handsome guy in seventh year."

A moment of shock passed.

"Moony," James asked slowly, "Are you a poof—I mean, are you gay?"

"I'm no nancy." Remus chuckled, "I was horny and he was in the Prefect bathroom at the same time. Guys can suck cock just as well as girls, you know. You just gotta know which ones."

"After all these years, you still surprise me with your candy." Sirius murmured.

"Don't you mean candidness?" Remus snorted. Sirius ignored him and looked significantly at Peter, Remus' revelation forgotten easily, who chewed his lip.

"Um…never have I ever forgotten to do an essay until the minute before class."

They all groaned as they drank.

"Peter, that was shit." Fabian scolded.

"Well I haven't done half the things you lot have." Peter mumbled, turning red. They groaned again and drank in silence for a moment before James declared the game boring because they knew who would drink for which statements, even if Remus was the sudden dark horse.

"What shall we play now?" Sirius asked the room at large and possibly the purple stain on the ceiling above James' bed. Frank lifted his head briefly and garbled, "Truth or dare," before collapsing back on his face.

"The last time we played that, I ended up stuck on the Astronomy Tower with a talking flobberworm." Remus sighed, "Naked."

"Which was marvellous." James stated earnestly, "Right then – I dare Padfoot to stand naked in the common room and sing the latest sorting hat song. If someone comes down, you have to keep going."

"Done." Sirius grinned, already peeling off his clothes and running out and down the stairs. They all followed and leaned over the railings, laughing raucously as Sirius warbled a version of the song that didn't make much sense but did its job, as two curious and most likely irritated third year girls appeared on the opposite staircase. They froze and stared in horror – Sirius continued to sing, making up entire verses about chocolate and clouds now, until they screamed and ran back up to the dorm.

The boys roared with laughter as a merry Sirius jogged up behind them.

"They were pretty traumatised, mate." James said sympathetically as Sirius pulled his boxer shorts on and flopped down in the middle of the circle.

"Obviously. They were shocked at my level of prowess."

"Prowess at looking like you have girl parts down there." Remus sniggered. Sirius flicked a chocolate frog wrapper at him and stuck out his tongue. Remus smirked back.

"Next dare!" Gideon announced, ignoring the fact that his brother had slumped onto his bed, producing loud snores, after watching Sirius traumatise young girls.

"What happened to truths?" Peter asked, who hadn't bothered getting up for Sirius' dare and what currently lying with his back to the circle and his face pressed to the footboard of James' bed. Sirius started to turn his hair multi-coloured when James shouted the next dare.

"Moony and Padfoot should kiss!"

Remus blinked at James and Sirius ceased in magically dying Peter's hair.

"What?" Remus asked dumbly. Sirius seemed to shake himself and was already getting to his hands and knees, crawling towards Remus. Sirius leaned forward the tiniest amount and brushed his closed mouth against Remus' with the lightest touch known to man.

"There." Sirius smirked triumphantly as Remus scowled and wiped a hand across his mouth. James tsked and rose to his haunches, shoving Sirius forwards as he protested, "That wasn't a kiss! Do it properly!"

Sirius landed heavily on Remus, forcing them both to the floor in their surprise. Remus' bottle of firewhiskey rolled away, empty and forgotten as Sirius' lips smashed against his, teeth clashing painfully, noses bumping awkwardly.

"You two are useless." Gideon chuckled. Sirius saw Remus narrow his eyes.

"I'm not bloody useless." The werewolf growled, "Come on, pretty boy, show 'em what you can do."

Remus yanked Sirius' head back down and this time, their lips met more softly – without teeth, but still roughly. Sirius felt strange, with Moony's mouth moving in time with his own; not bad strange, like that time when Wormtail's shrinking potion had been spilled on his trousers, but a different kind of strange that only intensified when Remus opened his mouth and he felt his tongue, hot and wet, forcing his own mouth open and pushing its way inside, stroking his own rhythmically.

Where the hell has he learned to kiss like this? Sirius thought, almost painfully aware that his bare chest was pressed against Remus' soft jumper, sending shots of electricity downwards, towards an area that was only clothed in tight boxers that would soon be revealing how Remus' kiss was affecting him—

Remus suddenly released Sirius and fell back on the floor with a thump, unconscious. Sirius stared down at him, confusion and something warm and bubbly gather in his chest that was quickly evaporated by James trying to say something and instead giving up to get up and go to bed. Sirius glanced around, glad to see that the others were either asleep where they were sat, or had gone to bed while he had been distracted by Remus' tongue and cotton jumper. He rose unsteadily to his feet and climbed under the covers on his bed, determinedly keeping his hands away from his uncomfortable erection and hoping that he wouldn't remember anything in the morning.