I wanted to try writing that's actually sad so here it is. Thank you for reading and feedback would be appreciated!

Recommend listening to "fix you" by coldplay while reading

xxx

Lovino gingerly held the other's hand in his own, paying attention to the all the details that he could find. Light, warm, soft, bony…alive. That was what he wanted and it repeated itself through his head: "Alive, alive, alive." It was such a calming word, so reassuring but it felt hollow to him; it wasn't enough.

He held it to his cheeks as if it was caressing them by itself, something that hadn't happened for 7 years now. Something that he missed incredibly. It was that hand that had helped him off his feet when he was 20 and the hand that helped him forget and forgive all the scars of his younger years. Most of all, it belonged to the man that he found he could spend his whole life with.

But life is cruel, something that Lovino had known since he was very young but something that he had learnt not to give up hope on. He prayed every night, prayed to whoever was listening to help Antonio. Yet in front of him was all that hope slowly being destroyed and laughed at by Death as the minutes passed by. He couldn't do anything about it, they'd told him already, no matter how much he pleaded with them to find a way or how much he offered to pay for the treatment there was just no way, no hope.

All that was left for him to do was to curse and scream at the life that he was given, but at the same time he didn't want to because Antonio was also part of that life.

It was almost time but he couldn't let the tears fall; he had cried enough already. He just wanted to spend this moment with Antonio before the time came. Pressing a kiss to Antonio's hand and a softer one to his forehead, he stood up as the doctors came in. They had his consent and they knew what to do, but he didn't want to see it happen. So he faced the windows instead, waited for the sound that would tell him his lover was gone.

Only a few minutes passed before the heart monitor stopped its incessant beeping and was replaced with a continuous, shrill sound. There were condolences given but he didn't care about them and he didn't want to turn around. Turning around meant that he had to face those words, had to face the reason behind them.

Lovino couldn't bring himself to turn around. The doctors, as if sensing his turmoil, left the room. His hands were curled into fists against the windowsill, red and shaking. He could feel the tears at the edge of his eyes, the burning heat building itself up his throat but he still couldn't cry. And maybe it was his imagination or it was all too much for him but he felt someone lean against him, resting their head on his shoulder and they whispered into his ear. And he listened.

"Everything will be okay Lovino. You are strong, I know you are and I want you to keep living like that. Don't let yourself forget that life isn't always bad, you will find good. Cry, my love, let your emotions out, don't hold it in. I will wait for you, in our house where we belong, and one day we'll meet again, I promise. Until that day, I will watch over you. I love you, always and forever. Goodbye."

The voice was so familiar and so close that a little part of him wanted to believe that the last few hours hadn't happened, so he turned around, still hopeful. But it was all an illusion and the truth before him was reality. The tears finally fell and all the grief he had tried to hold back came crashing down upon him. He didn't want to cry there, so he pushed himself to return to the chair next to Antonio's body, take the now cooling hand in his again and press it to his lips once more as he let himself cry until it really was enough.

Somewhere in the back of his mind he answered Antonio's words; even if they weren't real, he answered, "I will. You better keep your promise…I love you, too."