A/N: Well here's an unexpected little drabble that popped into my head. It's not really my usual stuff, but I liked it :)

Disclaimer: I do not own the TMNT.

"Got any kings?"

"Go fish."

Leo reached forward, plucking a card from the deck in the center of the table. He looked the card over before rearranging the cards in his hand.

"Got any sevens?"

"Go fish."

Raph reached for a card as he shot his brother a look. Leo's gaze rose to meet his younger brother's. The two sat at the kitchen table across from each other. The room was dimly lit by the overhead light. Master Splinter had taken April on a training exercise and the younger two brothers were out watching a movie. Leonardo and Raphael had been left behind, Leo saying that he wasn't up for watching a disappointing non-canon Space Heroes movie while Raph simply didn't want to go. Leo had the retreated to the dojo and worked through his katas. He'd been at it for nearly two hours when Raph had finally walked into the dojo after finishing reading some comics and proposed a game of cards.

Hence, the two had sat down and began playing Go Fish.

"Got any twos? Something on your mind, Raph?" Leo asked casually as he took the card from his brother's hand.

Raph shrugged. "Maybe," He said as Leo reached into the deck for another card. "Got any fours?"

"Go fish."

"Why do you always do so much boring crap?" Raph asked.

"Got any fours? I can't help being attuned to what bores the shell out of you. I happen to find it enjoyable." Leo took the card from Raph's hand.

"Well, come on, Leo. I know you have to do something interesting. Got any sevens?"

Leo's gaze remained on his cards. "Sorry, nothing about me would strike out as interesting. Go fish."

Raph stroked his chin. "Haven't you snuck out before to go clubbing during Halloween?"

Leo frowned and stared at him. "No. That was Mikey, and he ended up coming back smelling of booze and bad decisions."

"Come on, there has to be some big dark secret that you're hiding, bro."

"The only secrets I have are sitting in my hand right now. Face it, Raph; I'm just not all that entertaining." He said before dropping his gaze back to his cards. Raph drew a card from the deck and thought quietly to himself for a moment. Raph frowned. "Well you must've thought about sex at least once, right?"

Leo's gaze rose to meet his. "Raph, where exactly are you going with this?"

"I ain't going nowhere with it. But I mean, even our fearless leader must have gotten a stiffy before, right?"

Leo sighed. "Is that what we're going to do tonight? Talk about sexual innuendos?"

"Nah, wait up, bro. I know you've heard Mikey go at it with the porn mags and I know fer a fact that you've seen Don watching hentai before."

Leo immediately lifted his hands. "Raph can we not talk about our brothers' dirty habits."

Raph snickered. "Dirty habits?"

Leo's brow rose. "What would you call it?"

"Fapping."

Leo stared at him. "I'm going to pretend this conversation ended."

"Oh come on, Leo, even your big iron will must've been bent sometime. I'll admit that I like watching some good porn. The classic stuff. Heck, even some of that weird Japanese porn is cool too."

"Raph," Leo began with a sigh, obviously not wanting to hear his brother going on about his favorite types of pornography. His brother stood up, gesturing for Leo to stay seated. Leo sighed and went back to rearranging his cards. Raph pulled a few bottles out of the cabinets and drew out two glasses. He poured a clear liquid into both, and Leo knew it wasn't water.

"Raph, you know I don't," Leo began only to be cut off by his brother setting a filled glass in front of him.

"Humor me." Was Raph's response as he sat down across from his brother.

"So we're going to play go fish, drink Vodka, and talk about the family sex life?" Leo asked, still rearranging his cards.

"Yep, so drink up. You keep such a damn tight lid on things that none of us know what you have and haven't done. For all we know, you could be a school girl or a freakin' insatiable sex-junkie." Raph said as he downed some Vodka quite happily. Leo stared at him.

"Come on, Leo, don't be a prude. I got you a drink; it's impolite not to drink it."

Leo sighed and reached for the Vodka. "I don't know why you'd bother. Liquor doesn't affect me the way it does with you guys."

"Oh yeah, it goes right through you, right? Ya need to take a piss every five minutes."

"You word everything so eloquently."

"I know, I can't help it."

Leo finally raised the glass to his lips and downed nearly half the glass. He lowered the drink to meet his brother's slightly surprised stare. "You wanted me to drink, Raph." Leo said in response.

"Yeah, you're right. You're right."

Leo set the glass down and looked his cards over. "Got any queens?"

"Go fish."

They went back and forth for a short time, stopping to drink every once in a while. Leo had finished two glasses when Raph finally spoke again.

"So, have ya ever actually done anything?"

Leo looked over his cards. "I've done a lot in the past twenty-three years. You may want to be more specific."

"You know what I meant. Have you ever fapped?"

"Go fish." Leo remarked.

"Ha-ha. I'm serious, Leo. Have you?"

"Why is the need to know about me "fapping" so important?" Leo asked with a heavy sigh.

"It's unhealthy not to give yerself a little sexual stimulation."

"Are you worried that I'm giving myself a health hazard?"

Raph grinned and pointed his cards at Leo. "Damn right I am."

Leo rolled his eyes and finished his third glass. "You really want to know if I'm as close to my more primal side as you guys are? You really want to know?"

Raph grinned. "Spill it."

Leo poured himself another glass of Vodka, well aware that he was on his fourth. He drank half the glass before leveling a serious stare on his brother. "You want to know the most sexual act I've ever done?"

Raph grinned, Leo must've been feeling really relaxed to be able to admit to something like that. "Hell yeah. Let's see if you really do have something between yer legs."

"Are you questioning my having a penis?"

Raph snorted in laughter. "Never in a million years would I have ever thought to hear you say that bro. But, come on, spill. What's the most hard-core thing you've done?"

Leo looked thoughtful for a moment before taking a swig from his glass. "I touched a girl's arm once."

The two stared at each other for a good long moment. Raph finally burst into laughter and Leo joined him shortly after.

"Damn, bro. You're fucking hilarious when you drink."

Leo shrugged. "Maybe I'm funny all the time and you just don't notice it." He looked thoughtful for a moment. "Raph."

"Yeah?"

"Why is it called fapping?"

Raph stared at him. "Because of the sound it makes."

Leo drank from his glass. "The sound? That's weird."

"Can't be any weirder than you."

Leo chuckled softly.

"Leo."

"Hm?"

"Have you ever done anything sexual? At all?"

"Raph," Leo began, already starting with that tone.

"What about Karai?" Raphael interrupted, causing Leo to pause.

Leo frowned. "In case you've forgotten, she stabbed me once upon a time."

"Well maybe you're into the pain thing."

Leo stared at him. "The pain thing? Are you saying I'm a masochist?"

"That or maybe you like guys."

Leo snorted at that. "Now you think I'm gay."

Raph's brow lifted. "Are you?"

Leo sighed. "You guessed it. I love a good sweaty man."

Raph stared. Leo returned his stare with a smirk.

"Liar."

"You're the one who keeps making assumptions." Leo returned.

"Well maybe if you'd spit it out, I wouldn't be making assumptions. 'Sides, you look like you've taken it in the ass. Might explain why there's a stick shoved up there."

"I don't have a stick there. And I don't know how I would look like someone who's done what you just implied." The turtle in blue muttered under his breath.

"It ain't implied if I said it, bro." Raph returned.

"Why you're so curious about my sexual interests or actions is beyond me." Leo chuckled and finished his glass before filling it up again. "What exactly do you want, Raph?"

"I wanna know if you're really the Oh So Righteous One. I mean, you must've done something? I mean, even the other guys have had sex before."

Leo's brow rose. "You want me talk. What do I get if I spill on my sexual life?"

Raphael grinned. "I'll spill who glued the dildo to your katana."

Leo's gaze narrowed. Raph knew that look. His brother would kill the person who did it. He had spent an entire month trying to get the sex toy off his beloved katana.

"Who did it?" Leo all but growled.

"Now, now, bro, the anger department belongs to me. Besides, you have to spill before I do."

His brother did not look pleased by Raph's words. "My sexual tendencies are mine alone. Not meant for your amusement, Raph." He said in a level tone.

"Then I guess you'll never know who did it."

Leo's mouth twitched. "Alright, deal. What do you want to know?"

Raph grinned. "Everything, bro."

"If I didn't know any better, I'd say you might be getting off on this."

Raph blinked. "I am not! You just happen to be the one who acts like a freakin' monk. Even the guys are getting suspicious, bro. No one's seen you even look at a porn mag, let alone a woman."

"Again with the gay thing, Raph?"

"Well you an' Usagi seem pretty close."

Leo blanched. "Oh geez, Raph! That's disgusting! He's my friend! That's like me saying that you and Casey have something going on!"

Raph's gaze narrowed. "I ain't gay for Casey, Leo."

"Well, neither am I that way with Usagi. I mean come on. That was a cheap shot."

"Then prove it, Leo, else we're all gonna keep guessing." Raph countered, his face was beginning to look flushed from the liquor and Leo could feel his own cheeks flush.

Leo sighed. "Fine. If you must know, I do come... commit to several... ah... things that involve sexual feats." He said slowly as the alcohol finally began affecting his speech.

Raph shot him an unfocused look. "Like what? Wash…watching candle wax drip?"

Leo gave him an exasperated but unfocused look. Raph held his hands up in surrender, though it was sluggish.

"I... I... do masturbate on occasion." Leonardo admitted before sighing.

"You masturbate to sweaty men?" Raph asked with a smirk.

"Geez, what is your obsesseses…obsession? Are you gay, Raph?" Leo asked irritably. It was hard enough for him to admit to his sexual habits without his brother continuously making fun of him.

"No!" Raphael was quick to reply. Leo stared at him with a surprised look. Maybe too quick. Raph noticed as well and dropped his gaze to his cards.

"Hey, Raph, do we have any...thing... stronger to drink?" Leo asked, glancing at the empty bottle of Vodka. He didn't feel more than a bit buzzed and suddenly he really wanted more liquor.

Raph grinned. "We've got some Everclear."

Leo grinned in reply, feeling the corners of his mouth rise. Raph stood up and swayed as he walked out of the room. He came back shortly with two bottles full of a clear liquid that wasn't Vodka.

"Let the real fun begin!" Raph cackled, tossing his brother a bottle. Leo leaned back to catch it and the chair fell with a thud as he caught it. Leo rubbed his head where it had hit the ground. Maybe he was a little more than buzzed.

Raph stumbled down next to him. Leo remained in the chair and raised his bottle. "To go fish?" He slurred with a questioning look at his broher. Raph grinned and clinked his own bottle against Leo's. "Go fish!" The red masked turtle cried happily.

Leo snickered and chugged the liquor down. Maybe they were a little drunk.

"To fat...fla... flapping!" Raph slurred.

"Fapping, Raph... F-A-P-P," Leo began.

Raph snickered. "You said P-P."

"Fapping!" Leo finished with a shout, giving up on spelling the word. They both downed another drink.

~^~^~^~^~
Mikey yawned as he entered the lair, stretching his arms out tiredly and dropping two duffel bags full of electrical junk on the ground. He glanced at Don with a peeved expression. The purple masked terrapin was too busy looking at something in a notepad to pay Mikey much attention. "Gee, Don, when you said we were going out to get some equipment, I figured it would be real stuff and not a bunch of broken toasters."

"Mikey, with Leo's cooking skills, we need a steady supply of... do you hear that?" He asked suddenly.
Mikey glanced at his brother and listened. Sure enough there was a sound of discordant raised voices and glass clinking as well as an odd thumping sound. The two brothers headed towards the source of the noise: the kitchen.

They froze at the doorway and stared at the sight in shock.

Leo and Raph stood on the kitchen table with one arm slung over each other's shoulders while swaying from side to side. They held bottles of liquor in their hands. Playing cards were scattered about the table and floor. Their masks hung from their necks.

"Fuck you, I'm drunk! Fuck you, I'm drunk! Pour my beer down the sink; I've got more in the trunk!" The two eldest brothers' sang discordantly, slurring words together and shouting them at the top of their lungs.

They clinked their bottles together and downed a heavy drink before continuing their song.

"Fuck you, I'm drunk! Fuck you, I'm drunk!"

Leo suddenly pitched forward, falling face first on the floor with his legs in the air, braced by the edge of the table. Raph bent at the waist and pointed at Leo's prone figure while laughing until the creaking table cracked underneath his feet, sending him on his rump in a pile of broken wood and playing cards. The two turtles lifted their drinks and sang again.

"And I'm going to be drunk 'till the next time I'm drunk!"

They barked in laughter and drunken stupor. Don groaned at the sight of the table he would have to fix while Mikey burst into laughter.

"Oi! Leo! Thar he blows!" Raph shouted loudly, pointing at Don.

Leo's unfocused hazel gaze turned on the brother in question and he unsteadily rose to his feet. "Don't worry, Cho-san, I will... I will be… honor-stuff..." Leo slurred, dropping the bottle of liquor.

"Dude, he just called Raph a butterfly!" Mikey squealed happily. He had never seen Leo drunk before, and it was a treat.

Leo stumbled towards Don, right into his purple masked brother's arms. He breathed huskily in Don's face and leaned into his brother, wrapping his hands around Don's mask tails.

"Raphael has told me... about your little... prank." Leo slurred as he yanked on Don's mask, dragging his brother behind him while he began walking towards the bathroom with a sway in his gait. Don struggled, but even drunk, Leo was expertly balanced and capable of keeping him from running off. "Mikey! Mikey, help me!" He cried at his brother frantically, knowing exactly what "prank" Leo was talking about.

Mikey grinned and waved. "Your problem, Donnie boy! I told you that messing with Leo's stuff was gonna pay back badly."

Leo kicked the door to the bathroom open and marched Don to the toilet where he promptly shoved his brother's face in the water before grabbing the plunger and sticking it on the back of his younger brother's head. Leo flicked the handle on the toilet and grinned as Don screamed and struggled against the swirlee.

Leo even tossed in bits of toilet paper and flushed the toilet several more times for good measure before letting his brother up.

"You gonna do that again?" Leo asked, and although his words slurred together, he seemed more in control of himself.

Don, with wet bits of toilet paper stuck to his face, shook his head swiftly. Leo released his little brother and trudged back to the kitchen where Raph, still sitting in the ruined remains of the table, was talking quite amicably to Mikey who was now leaning against the wall laughing loudly.

Raph stood up at the sight of Leo and stumbled over. "You should really get laid, bro." He snickered as he stumbled into his brother. Leo grinned and shoved him off.

"I already did."

Raph blinked, his mind working overtime to process what Leo said. He finally looked at Leo with a very surprised expression. "Well shit. Was it a guy?"

A/N: Any thoughts on their drunken bemusings?

-Also, I have nothing against homosexuality. I want to make that clear before people start flaming.-