The Cooper-Hofstadter Paradigm

Sheldon paced around the room anxiously, the phone clutched to his ear. "Yes mother. No mother, I can't leave my research. Yes, it's more important than my own mother. No mother, I don't need you to pray for my soul. No, stop, stop." Sheldon sighed at the irritating whines of his mother on the phone. He couldn't come down to Texas for Christmas, he was at a very important stage in his dark matter research. Of course, mother couldn't seem to understand that physics needed him more than she did.

"Mother, if you must see me this Saturnalia then you'll have to come to me." Why did his mother even celebrate the revamped version of Saturnalia anyway? How could she believe that a woman created a child with no male DNA? Humanity frustrated him sometimes, why did people feel the need to come and disturb his research and try to guilt trip him into being glad about it?

He wished that he had laser vision as he gave the phone a death glare as his mother started to squawk about how paganism was just satanism repackaged. "OK mother?" he interrupted her speech on the evil temptations of Lucifer getting to him. "So will you be coming down for Christmas?"

Internally, he sighed at her answer of yes. Now why couldn't he have been born into Leonard's family? There his genius would have been appreciated and nurtured. He would have been able to get CAT scans whenever he wanted and Leonard's mother wouldn't have hit him with a bible when he didn't eat his Brussels sprouts.

"OK. Goodbye mother. I will see you on the 24th of December." He hung up and paced around for a few minutes before sinking down into his spot. That spot on the couch never failed to relax him, and the radiator was very well placed. He felt sorry for Leonard sitting in the chair perpendicular to his spot as he would be much too close to the radiator and sweat. It would also be too close to a window in summer and he would have to crane his neck to see the TV properly.

Leonard was already sitting down. "What's wrong, Sheldon?" he asked. "You look down."

"My mother's coming over on Saturday," Sheldon said, feeling that it needed no further explanation.

"You don't give your mother as much love as she deserves," Leonard protested. "She is warm and kind and cares about you. You know what happened at my house at Christmas. I'm the one who has something to be sad about, my mother is coming on the 23rd."

"Really?" Sheldon asked. All traces of his prior exasperation had vanished and his face lit up like a kid in a candy shop. Or an odd kid at the Hadron Collider, Leonard thought would suit Sheldon better. "Your mother is coming for Saturnalia? That's wonderful news, I wonder if she will bring the PowerPoint about sex for reproduction only this time. Oh I do hope so."

"Yep," Leonard said sadly. "Maybe she can show you some of the papers we wrote about the holidays in my childhood."

"Oh, I hope she will. Do you think she might be able to get me another brain scan? I love the way my brain looks in pictures. Minus my pre-frontal cortex of course. That's always been too small for my liking." Perhaps Sheldon's mother would be able to tell Leonard about the time she got him tested for insanity, Leonard thought. He had always wanted to know how the doctor decided that Sheldon was not insane. It puzzled him.

"So why is your mother visiting?" Sheldon asked. "It can't be because she's proud of your research, she has two other children in the top of their fields doing original research. What you're doing is a rehash of the experiments done by a group of Swiss scientists." Leonard was used to the way that Sheldon would always bring that up, but it still got under his skin. Especially after Sheldon taught Penny to say that.

"She's attending a conference here in Pasadena and informed me that she would be visiting at Christmas to see what sloppy habits I've got into since last time she saw me," Leonard replied. Sheldon seemed satisfied with the answer. Often Leonard wondered if he should have made friends with someone who actually had emotions, not just a mind for facts.

Their conversation was interrupted by Penny coming into the room. Penny had two gifts under her arm, wrapped in shiny, gold wrapping paper. Leonard had to resist collapsing in frustration, remembering what happened last time Sheldon had been given a gift. Their trip to the body shop and Sheldon's purchase of half the store was not an event he wanted to repeat.

Sheldon seemed spooked by the gold-wrapped packages in Penny's arms. "Penny," Sheldon protested. "You know what trouble gift-giving creates for me. Those presents had better not be for me." Leonard sighed. Why did he have to be the roommate of a crazy person?

"I know," Penny said. "But I saw this in the store and I just couldn't resist buying it for you." Leonard closed his eyes and started breathing slowly. Could Penny have done anything worse? Did she not remember Sheldon's reaction to finding a gift that he loved last year?

"Ah, Penny," Sheldon said in irritation. "That's even worse. Your statement implied that this gift will be something that I will love. Do you know what that means?" Penny shook her head unsurely. "That means that I will have to find a gift of equal value to you." Sheldon paused. "And that means that I will have to pay attention to what you like."

"I like shoes," Penny offered.

"No, no, no," Sheldon said. "I don't know your shoe size, I don't know what sort of shoes you like. I don't know the price range of your gift and that would spoil the surprise somewhat to know. I don't know if your gift has some sort of emotional value. And also- shoe shopping. I'm not female."

"Shoe shopping isn't only for girls. Men wear shoes too," Penny pointed out.

"Yes, but I shoe shop for necessity, not for enjoyment. And I don't learn the difference between pumps, kitten-heels and converse. And I do it on the Internet," Sheldon responded. "And under no circumstances do I call my shoes cute."

Penny sighed. "Look, Sheldon. I really don't mind what you get me."

"Well, I mind," Sheldon said, confused. "If I get you an insufficient gift then I will be labeled as a freeloader by my friendship group."

"Better than being labeled as insane," Leonard muttered.

"I'm not insane. My mother had me tested," Sheldon stated. "Multiple times," he muttered under his breath. Sheldon had rather enjoyed terrifying the firmly Christian doctors his mother had hired for him. They had always said that he wasn't insane, he just needed to be prayed for. Obviously they were unaware of the experiments done to investigate the success of prayer by having a large number of patients with heart disease prayed for and a large number not. The ones not prayed for recovered faster. Of course when he had told them that they just said he was under the influence of Satan and prayed for him more.

"Of course you're not insane honey," Penny said sarcastically. "It's totally normal to break into people's houses at night and clean, or to arrange cereals by fibre content. Or.."

"Alright, alright," Sheldon said. "Those were the actions that any sane man would take to avoid being near to a swirling vortex of entropy that threatens to suck one in." Sheldon shuddered at the memory of seeing Penny's apartment before his organisational plan. It still wasn't as neat as he would have liked it, but at least he could sleep peacefully now.

A knock on the door announced Howard and Raj's entrance with pizza. Sheldon immediately got up to quiz them on the contents of the food that he would be eating this evening. "Thin base, exactly five millimetres thick?" Howard nodded. "Made with butter, not margarine?" Another nod. "Cheese-free?"

"Look, I told the pizza man what you wanted," Howard snapped. "Five millimetre base, butter not margarine, cheese free, fresh tomato sauce, and bacon pieces, not pepperoni. Happy?" Really, Sheldon was more fussy than his mother. Why did he always attract the crazies? First his mother, then Raj, then Sheldon.

"Not overly. My mother is coming for Christmas and Penny got me a present." Sheldon sunk back down into his spot again, filing away his other problems to the family and female friends sections of his brain respectively. Organising his mind like this was natural to him because of his eidetic memory, he couldn't understand how others didn't.

Sheldon took a bite out of his pizza, savouring the honed taste in his mouth, making a small noise of appreciation as he did so. Now why didn't others understand the need for perfection? Another of humanity's many failings, the ability to settle for the mediocre and make the mediocre the expected. He expected nothing less than perfection in everything he did.

"There's a nice new pasta place in town," Raj (speaking through Howard) started a conversation. Sheldon sighed internally. Just why did humans think that empty small talk was better than silence? It frustrated him to no end. However, explaining this to the others would be ineffective and only create more conversation, so the logical thing to do would be listen and at the end offer a facial expression to suggest that Raj had gone insane.

"He had lunch there today," Raj continued via Howard again. "Spaghetti al arrabiata, it was really nice. The atmosphere was good too, they had soft lighting and candles at every table to create a romantic atmosphere. It was lovely." Now was the time for the facial expression that suggested that Raj had gone insane, Sheldon thought. Even more cause for it than he had anticipated.

Sheldon's eyes widened and his mouth was set in a straight line. "Are you telling me that you ate Italian food at lunch today?" Sheldon asked. "That's two Italian meals in one day. And are you suggesting that I dine somewhere new? Why would I dine somewhere new when I have spent months perfecting my current diet?"

Raj shook his head and started whispering quickly to Howard again. "Raj says that you might if your brain suddenly becomes normal." Sheldon's glare upped a notch and Raj shrugged. "But seeing as there is virtually no chance whatsoever that that will happen then I don't think that's a good reason," Howard said.

"So guys, what are your plans for Christmas?" asked Penny, changing the subject. "I know that Sheldon's mother is coming, what else?"

"My mother is coming too," Leonard told the blonde. "Sheldon'll probably spend more time with my mother than with his own. Birds of a feather flock together. The crazies." Sheldon decided not to bother that he was certified not-crazy. If it hadn't sunk in the first ten times, chance were it wouldn't now.

Penny winced. She had not too pleasant memories of Leonard's mother from the last time she visited. The psychoanalysis that had made her break down in tears on the way up and down the stairs stuck out particularly in her memories of the woman. "Probably. I wonder if she'll take him out for another brain scan."

"I hope so," Sheldon said, in such a tone that none of them could doubt it. Penny hoped so too. The more time that Mrs Hofstadter spent out with Sheldon, the less time she would be spending in the apartment block with Penny. And Penny wasn't sure that she would cope with the Hofstadter Christmas idea of writing papers about the influence of holiday occasions throughout the ages and peer-marking them.

"Well I'm sure she will get you a lovely present," Penny said, not really sure how to respond to Sheldon's desire for a brain scan. Then again, remembering his reaction to her gift, it probably wasn't the correct reaction. She sighed internally as Sheldon opened his mouth, probably to explain why gift-giving was a waste of time (again).

"Mrs Hofstadter is a very intelligent woman," Sheldon started. "She has much better things to do than to go out and buy gifts for Saturnalia and even if she didn't, she wouldn't desire to anyway. I'm sure that I've already explained to you why the whole premise of gift giving is ludicrous." Penny nodded hurriedly. She didn't want to have that lecture again. "I really wish it wasn't the accepted social convention," Sheldon finished.

"And the Christmas spirit is with us all already," Leonard said sarcastically.

xXx-X-xXx

That's the first chapter of my big bang theory fan fiction. I've always wondered what it would be like for Leonard and Sheldon's mothers to meet and compare parenting methods. Hopefully they'll do one of these in season 7. Anyway, if you liked/disliked/just have something to say about this chapter, please leave a review telling me.

-MoonOfPluto