Spilled Ink

Summary: The only tears she sheds for him breathe on rough parchment, scrawled within the characters of his name that she writes over and over and over again. A romance written in reverse. NejiTen.

IX. The sky is bruised grey and black outside, dark clouds rolling into the city and hiding whatever sunshine is left away. The air is heavy with the promise of rain, cloudy and hazy, thickening the memories that threaten to spill like tears from a gaping sky. It's a sombre day, and sombre days are apt for funerals.

She doesn't go to his.

Tenten thinks about it for a long time, mulls over her choice over and over again, and even irons an outfit to wear. It's a kimono, of long and crisp cloth with perfect folds and a silhouette of straight lines. Formal, just like him. Coloured in a black that reminds her of spilled ink, tied together with a white obi that would hold her together sooner than it does the fabric embroidered with free-flying birds.

He had been there when she had bought it, accompanied her to the store for a second opinion, because they are friends— friends who could have been so much more— and though she always knew that she'd be wearing this for him, this fine silk that slips through her fingers as quickly as he did, she never thought that it would be like this.

She never thought that it would be like this.

In the end, she decides to put it on and hold her own ceremony. There will be too many people there, too many broken sobs and pitiful gazes, and Neji— Neji has never needed pity as much as others think. Because he is free, she thinks. He did the right thing, and he's free now. He's free now, isn't he? But her heart, traitor that it is, whispers, You stupid boy. You didn't defy fate, you're supposed to live. You should be alive, you should be alive; damn you, Neji, why aren't you alive?

So she slides black silk over her head and lets it flow down her slender frame. At home she closes herself in and pulls out her scrolls, these rough bits of parchment that defy space and time, these thin and fragile things that can summon the world if written here.

But she's not calling upon the world as she writes, dipping the frayed and worn brush he gave her into a drying well of ink, putting down thin and measured strokes with a deft hand. She's not calling upon the world, and instead she only writes his name once. But once becomes twice becomes thrice and it goes on and on and on, and before she knows it she cannot find it within herself to stop.

(She's not summoning the world, except she knows that she is.)

VIII. When he dies in front of her eyes, taking his final breaths in front of them, all these people that have been watching over this unseeing boy for so long, she doesn't cry. She can't. She can't, because tears will mean that she acknowledges him gone, and he's not, he's not, he's not.

She wants Lee to stop, wants to drag her other teammate away and tell him to please be quiet and stop chanting Neji's name, because if Lee doesn't breathe rivers over Neji's cold body and lets Neji's name die stillborn in his throat, then maybe— just maybe, oh, please maybe — the howling winds will sweep this mess away. Because tears and screams make it all so tangible and real, and Lee, please stop is all she wants to shout because she's hoping against hope that Neji will get up, that he will rise from the ashes and smirk and pretend that nothing's wrong, and Neji can't get up if you're crushing him, Lee you fool.

But Neji doesn't get up, doesn't make another sound, and as much as Tenten wants to cry, she doesn't. She doesn't because Neji taught her to be strong. So she turns away from this, shuts out her heart that screams in the face of this reality. She walks away and runs and fights and lets the enemy have hell because Neji is gone and he gave his life for this. She's not letting him die in vain.

She refuses to.

Her breaths are shallow and her voice breaks before any sound can leave her lips, but she grits her teeth and moves on because this is what Neji would have wanted her to do. Twin dragons rise from her scrolls.

(The phoenix she drew with shaky hands doesn't.)

VII. When they find out they're not within the same division, neither think much of it and brush the fact aside. They work well together, it's true, but they are capable enough on their own as well. She won't be able to protect his blindspot and he won't be able to shield her under the starry dome of his Kaiten, but they'll make do. They will survive. After all, they're from Team Gai and they are made for this.

Seeking them through the milling crowds, she gives both her teammates a small embrace before it all begins— before war marches in and death pulls people away and blood paints the world in all the shades of red. She lingers a little longer in Neji's arms though, because fortune is her domain and why, why, why does she get this sinking feeling when she looks into those pale eyes?

In a tone that wavers more than it should, she tells them both to stay alive. Taking her brush, the one that has bristles falling out and bitemarks from where her teeth have clenched it, the one that she cannot throw away because it came from him, she writes down luck in the corner of her scroll.

(It's not much against fate, but she hopes it will be enough.)

VI. The day before the war begins, there is a small celebration happening in a quiet corner of the allied camp. They want to make merry while they can, these ninja say, before it's all taken away.

Neji and Tenten know this not because they had come to join the others, but because this quiet corner was where they had agreed to have a last-minute training session. It's wartime and they should be resting, but this is war and they may not come back, so they spar to soothe her jittery nerves. He is cool and collected as ever, and she ends up losing to him again. But this is a piece of constant melody in an ever-changing world of battle hymns and requiems, so she's not as bothered by it as she usually would be.

As they lean against rough bark, under the shade of a blooming tree, him meditating and she polishing her weapons, she begins to wonder how long this will last, whether they will come back to this. In this throbbing moment that flashes like a fallen star, she wonders if everything will change.

But then he smirks at her, eyes cradling moonlight, face half hidden in the shadows. He kisses her palms then, as gentle as a summer breeze, and her mind rests at ease as she wears a smile as brilliant as the waxing moon. This is as far as they will go, these are the few lines they will cross, and soon she will wonder what exactly it was that either of them were waiting for.

(That night she takes out her scrolls. Though she knows it a foolish wish, she writes down forever in ink.)

V. The first time Lee confronts her about her love life is after Neji saves her from the confines of the water prison. Contrary to popular belief, Lee isn't as dense as he looks, and her brother in bond asks her quite bluntly how she feels about their other teammate.

To her, there is nothing to hide, for even if she doesn't wear her heart on her sleeve, her admiration and feelings for Neji have never been quite that secret. Subtle perhaps, but they were always there. But Tenten has goals, and she knows Neji to be averse to such quixotic things, so she tells her interrogator that whatever it is she feels will most likely pass soon, for crushes often do. Her youthful teammate makes a Nice Guy pose and proclaims that there isn't any need to grow out of her fondness, because he doesn't think her feelings are quite one-sided anymore. All she can do is laugh. Tenten tells Lee that she'll believe it when she sees it, and that she doesn't think that she'll ever find love.

(What she doesn't tell him is that she had written love down a year ago, next to the name of someone who had soared into her affections.)

IV. It is her birthday when her team drops by her house, there to wake her up within the wee hours of the morning. Apparently, Gai-sensei wants her to "breathe in all the youthfulness of today" and Lee wholeheartedly shouts his approval, loudly announcing that he'll do this on his birthday as well. Neji simply glares, either bored or angry at being dragged here when he could be training, and looks as though he wants to murder both spandex-wearing creatures in front of him.

Eager to stop neighbours from complaining of the hullabaloo, Tenten rushes out the house after a quick trip to the bathroom and shower, eyes noticeably drooping with sleepiness as she half limps after her enthusiastic teacher and teammate. Neji being Neji, he refuses to walk alongside those two maniacs, and as always, they keep at the same pace as they stride through the village in tandem.

And though he will never admit it, he had wanted to give his present first, because he is a Hyuuga and they are always first, are they not? So he offers her a thin box wrapped simply in white paper while Gai-sensei and Lee excitedly talk about all the gifts they plan on giving her later in the day. With a smile that belies her exhaustion, she accepts it with thanks, and they both ignore Gai-sensei and Lee's wails of horror at being beaten to showering her with presents by Neji.

(When she opens the box at home, and finds new brushes and inks, the first thing she does is to write a small note thanking heaven for such great friends. She hangs it over her door, so that she never forgets the biggest blessings that swept through her life as unexpectedly as a Konoha Hurricane.)

III. Ink and paper are her only companions in these trying days, when she comes to the hospital first thing in the morning and doesn't leave until the nurses all but throw her out. Determined as she is, Tenten comes whenever she has no mission or whenever she isn't training, and within these halcyon times, she is glad that those come few and far in between for now.

There are holes boring into his chest like canyons in the desert, mementos of his fight against one of Orochimaru's minions; a parting gift from when Neji went to retrieve Sasuke, Sasuke who is Sakura's genius, Sasuke who can no longer be cute and innocently charming to Tenten when he almost takes her own prodigy away. Sometimes Sakura comes to visit too, but for her sake or Neji's or Sakura's own, Tenten will never know. Tenten makes sure to repay the favour though; this isn't Sakura's fault, and both girls know more than anyone what it's like to always be left behind.

(Everyday she sits by his side. Everyday she writes courage on sheets upon sheets of paper. She draws the symbols again and again, one for each person she knows. They all of them need it now, whether for themselves or for their friends.)

II. When he loses his match to Naruto in the Chuunin Exams, she comes to see him with solace in her smile and kind words tumbling out of her lips like waterfalls on summer days. Trying to cheer him up, she tells him that his defeat was only a fluke, but secretly she is glad that he lost. In her heart of hearts, she thanks Naruto for this gift, because when Tenten next looks at Neji, there is less pain shading his eyes and less sorrow drawn on his proud face. She cannot help but wear a tender smile, because he is finally ready to begin letting go.

(At the topmost corner of her scrolls, too many months ago, she had guessed what had hurt Neji in the past and she had written down strength and growth for his sake. This has always been her eyelash wish.)

I. At first meeting, Lee unnerved her, as did Gai-sensei, as did Neji. The first was very boisterous, but also very determined and hardworking, and thus Lee quickly gained her respect. The second completely freaked her out at twelve with his green spandex suits and too-white teeth, but she soon realised that beneath all the proclamations of youth, Gai-sensei was wise and caring and he would be like a father, even if he favoured one over the rest. The third was quiet and stoic, with eyes that saw through everything and a gaze that held bitterness and contempt for the world.

Unlike the other two, Tenten cannot figure out how to feel about Neji. Lee is a brother, and Gai a mentor, but Neji— Neji cannot fit into any box at all. Initially she thinks that it's because his ego is too big for anything to contain, but she understands now that perhaps it's because to her, Neji has always been larger than life. He is a force that seems so close and yet so far away, and this has never ceased to scare her.

She thinks that he has always been beyond anyone's reach.

At first meeting, Tenten isn't overly fond of her team. At the second and third and fourth meetings and so on, she chides herself for having been silly and changes her mind even if she doesn't still fully understand why. But when she first receives a copy of their team photo, she flips it over and jots down family on the back in her cramped and neat writing that looks as petite as she is.

(She puts the photo away for a while, but then amends the words to family and. She stops there, however, because she hasn't quite figured out what Neji is or will be in her life. For many years she leaves it blank, until his funeral forces her to write down his name in ink thick with unshed tears, like he is the only secret she keeps between the shadow and the soul.)

X. Night has already blossomed by the time she visits the graveyard. The Hyuuga had collected all their dead, and theirs would be laid down to rest in a corner of the Konoha cemetery reserved especially for the clan. Tonight the moon has waned, or perhaps like her, it is still hiding away somewhere, barred by the clouds that trap it within its cage. The stars are misers as she stumbles to his grave, unwilling to be generous in her time of need.

No individual plots have been allocated as of late, no graves marked and lined for each and every man that had fallen. There is no time to do so yet, because so much has to be handled and taken care of. The dead must make way for the living as they have always done. So she makes her way to the slab of marble clumsily etched with names in haste, but within the shadows she can hardly make out her own hands, and in the end she just stands awkwardly in front of the tombstone.

Perhaps she cannot find his name, or perhaps she does not want to. Within this drop of time run dry, Tenten cannot choose. So she arranges a bouquet of irises on the ground, and writes a final word on a tiny scroll, using the brush he gave her last. Her fingers are steady even if she is shaking inside, and at last she lets it all rest with him.

'I wish we had more time,' she says, thinking of the last word she wrote. Even now, her eyes have run dry. 'I think I could have loved you. More than I already do.'

For a while she simply stays rooted to the spot, as though a few more shreds of time will extract all the grief and sorrow locked inside, as though standing here in the dark will be the last straw, as though waiting to let this fully sink in will make her cry like so many others have.

But nothing happens, and in the end she gathers her things, twirling the brush around and around until it spins on her fingers like his Kaiten in the night. Heaving a sigh, she wonders whether she has lost her touch with humanity, whether years of this life has made her numb and immune to even the loss of him. But that's not true, and this she knows, because there is pain enough within her, dull and raw and aching and real, all this hurt that she wants to release like weapons from her scrolls but she just can't. She just can't, and she supposes that there are many answers and none for this, but as she keeps spinning and spinning her last keepsake of him, she finds that any answers have been stolen from her lips. The leaves crunching beneath her soles are her only company, until she hears a familiar voice, still so smug and low and full of that quiet confidence she knows can only belong to him.

'Still fond of that brush, I see.' And she is looking everywhere for him, for that timbre she knows so well, the one saying her name as he always has, the one telling her almost amusedly that 'My name isn't there, Tenten.'

And then he is here, in front of her disbelieving eyes, larger than life, so close and yet so far, but finally, finally within her reach. So she does the first thing that pops into her mind. Tenten exhales a shaky laugh and punches him square in the jaw.

Neji sees it coming, even without the Byakugan he lost in fleeting death. He expected a warmer welcome than this, expected anything but this really, but even though he can move out of the way, he lets her have this. And when her fist makes contact with his jaw, she stills as though made of stone, because she only threw a fist to confirm that he wasn't real; that no, he's not here; that this is her mind playing tricks on her and this is some cruel joke to punish her for her lack of tears.

Because she saw him that day, limp on the ground and covered in blood, she saw him sacrifice himself, and she saw Lee crying over his unmoving body, and she saw them carry him away and off the battlefield. She saw so many things, and her eyesight didn't lie and she knows this, for she trusts her eyes even if they're not like his, but conviction drains out of her heart and suddenly she collapses onto her knees, sobs wracking her as his arms pull her in and she finds herself cradled softly against his chest, only half-listening to his explanation.

When she breaks down, it is only because he's alive, he's alive, he's alive and this is all that matters. And the tears come down freely now, a mix of relief and joy mingling on her face, soaking the front of his shirt, as elation and wonder clang about within her chest that is hollow and full all at once.

Within his warm embrace, she finally allows herself to cry.

(And when she has recovered and they begin to live again, and she has sworn not to wear this kimono anymore, and they keep their scrolls safe within their home, he replaces her brushes with new ones and together, together once more, they begin to rewrite destiny.)

A/N: This wasn't supposed to be this long (or unedited), but I guess I got carried away? *looks sheepish* I think I really needed to get this out of my system, because I watched Ep. 184 and had this idea about Tenten's scrolls, the ones that can summon anything, and it just wouldn't leave me alone. I haven't written anything within this fandom in a year or so (excluding a recent mega-long essay on tumblr on NejiTen and his death; you can read it at iridescentirises (my penname) if you're interested, and the blog name is Natsukashii) and I suppose this just came out. I probably won't write anything for Naruto for another long while, but I'd like to know what you guys think.

I hope I haven't lost touch with the characters, but it's been a long time already. I hope everyone understood the sequence of the scenes: it starts off in the present, then goes through the past, only to come back to now. I really wanted to try my hand at a reverse story, so…

Please review? :)