Heyo! This was a random thought I had while playing Deadpool's game. What if the famous merc with a mouth came to Pandora? And what craziness would occur? Here is my answer (And I will argue with Deadpool every once in a while, since he is self-aware). Presenting….

Two Assassins!

Chapter 1: The Merc with a Mouth

The famous mercenary, Deadpool, sat in an office that overlooked the Hyperion city of Opportunity. "Hey narrator!" Deadpool shouted.

What...

"Can I tell the story?"

Fine

"Because you are really boring me."

I said fine! I'm arguing with myself

"Have fun at the psyche ward!"

Deadpool turns and looks into the camera. "Hey there readers of this chump's work! I am Deadpool! Aka Wade Wilson, aka the merc with a mouth, and to the ladies… Love muffin. Anyway, I'm here because some guy… what was his name?" Starts pulling out papers and other trash from his pocket. He mumbles "Let's see here…. Blake? Whatever, he called me up saying he needed some people dead and heard I was the best!" Deadpool stands on the chair in a celebratory pose. "Stop narrating everything I do!" He barks.

It's my job, deal with it

"Shut the f# K up! Wait… was I just censored?"

Keep up with your shit and I'll do it again

"You win this round narrator."

Deadpool sits back in the chair with his arms crossed like a child. "Unnecessary." He grumbled. The elevator dung and Blake walked out. He took a seat behind the desk and cleared his throat. "Mr. Wilson…" He started.

"Please, call me Deadpool."

"Very well, Mr. Deadpool, have you read over the contract we sent you?"

"I did indeed. Here is my rebuttal to it, wrote it myself!"

Deadpool hands Blake a revised contract. "Is this crayon?" Blake questioned.

"It is indeed."

"No matter, these terms are, odd. Along with the five million bounty for each target, you also want full compensation of any ammo you purchase, a case of…does this say chimichangas? No matter, for each target, and a night with as many women of your choice. These are odd terms, but we at Hyperion will accept your terms."

Blake stood up and extended his hand. Deadpool slapped it and tried to do a fancy hand shake combo. "Yes," Blake cleared his throat "I am glad to see someone will avenge the death of our great leader, Handsome Jack." Deadpool shrugged and sighed "Sure, whatever. Do you have any idea where my first target is?"

"The psycho, Krieg, was spotted out at Lynchwood on too long ago. He may still be there."

"Excellent! I'm off to… Lynchwood? Where is that?"

"Got to the fast-travel station. Click the screen that says travel and click on Lynchwood. It will take you there."

"Wow, and I thought my technology was good."

He shrugged and walked out of the office. "This is going to be awesome!" Deadpool cheered as he went to the station. "This is!" Crazy voice agreed. "I actually think this was a good idea." Sane voice added. "Everything is turning up Deadpool!" He cheered.

He went to the station and scratched his head. "How do I use this thing again?" He muttered. "Click on travel." Sane reminded.

"Okay… then what?"

"Now click on Lynchwood."

He did so and was thrown into a vortex. "Holy s# t! What's going on!" Deadpool shouted as he fast travelled. He dropped to the ground and laid there for a second. "What the hell was that?" He panted.

Fast travel. A common way of travelling across Pandora

"That was trippy. It was like fighting Vertigo again."

Shut up and get back to the story

Deadpool shot up and stretched. "Right! My first target!" He walked along the path and stepped outside. The whole town looked like it was built out of trash. "My apartment looks better than this." He grumbled. "I think the apartment is worse." Sane disagreed.

"Home is where the heart is." Crazy added. "No matter!" Deadpool shouted. "Let's find Krieg and get paid!" Deadpool to a few steps and heard someone bellow "I powder my cockatiel for the ribcage slaughter!" Deadpool looked down the street to see a huge guy beating the crap out of others.

The guy stood almost as tall as Cable and was shirtless. He wore pants and boot that were covered in blood. He was swinging a saw blade tied to a stick. "I'm guessing he is Krieg." Deadpool muttered. "Let's go ask!" Crazy suggested.

"I feel like that is a very bad idea." Sane announced. Deadpool jumped down to the street and walked up to the guy. "Excuse me." Deadpool said. The man spun around and roared "WHAT!"

"I'm looking for someone…"

"WHO DO YOU SEEK RED MAN!"

"Okay, 1) you need a breath mint. And 2) I'm looking for a guy named Krieg."

"I AM THAT WHICH YOU SEEK!"

"Excellent!"

Deadpool pulled out a nine mil and placed it on Krieg's forehead. "This is going to be easier than I thought." Deadpool laughed. He pulled the trigger, but Krieg's head didn't explode. "What the?" He grumbled as Krieg swung his buzz saw. Deadpool flew across the train tracks and slammed into the wall.

"Did you forget most people on this planet have shields around them?" Sane advised. "We should shoot him some more!" Crazy suggested. Deadpool got up and pulled out his other pistol. Krieg jumped towards him, but Deadpool rolled out of the way. Pumping every round in the mag into Krieg, Deadpool tried to get some space in between them.

Krieg charged again with his buzz saw raised. He ran out of ammo and threw his pistols at Krieg. He stopped and looked at the pistols at his feet. "Damn it." Deadpool groaned. "I didn't mean to do that." Deadpool walked over and picked the pistols up.

"I'll just take these." He sighed as he put them back. "WHY DIDN'T THEY EXPLODE!" Krieg shouted.

"Explode? What do you mean explode?"

"LIKE THIS!"

Krieg pulled out a pistol and popped a few rounds into the air. He then threw the pistol at Deadpool, and it promptly exploded. Deadpool was thrown back and laughed "That's awesome!" He crashed and shot back up. Krieg charged him again.

Deadpool drew his swords and charged as well. They clashed and swung. "This guy is really strong!" Deadpool cursed. "What did you expect for a five million dollar bounty?" Sane pointed out.

"I don't need your sass right now!"

Krieg barked "I SAID NOTHING RED MAN!" Deadpool snapped "Not you! The sane voice."

"YOU HEAR VOICES TOO!?"

"Yeah, wait, you hear voices?"

"YES! IT'S MY SANITY! IT TELLS ME IF I'M DOING GOOD OR NOT!"

"Looks like you and I are not so different."

"This is a strange turn of events." Sane commented. "We should become friends!" Crazy suggested. Deadpool sheathed his swords and held out his hand in friendship. Krieg walked up to him while putting his buzz saw away. Krieg stopped and grabbed his hand.

Deadpool noticed a beeping sound and Krieg threw him onto the tracks. Deadpool hit the ground, then was immediately ran over by the train. "BYE BYE RED MAN!" He heard Krieg shout. When the train stopped, Deadpool stood up and growled "What an asshole." He jumped back onto the street and saw Krieg walking to the entrance.

"Hey!" Deadpool shouted. "Jackass!" Krieg turned around and yelled "YOU SHOULD BE TINY BITS!"

"Yeah, the thing is… I can't die."

"I WILL PROVE YOU WRONG!"

Krieg charged again with his buzz saw raised. Deadpool pulled out his SMGs and growled "No more mister nice assassin." He unloaded into Krieg until something around him shattered. "I think you broke his shield!" Crazy pointed out. "Quick! Before his shield regenerates!" Sane ordered.

Deadpool swapped out SMGs for his reloaded pistols and started shooting Krieg. Krieg stopped and began to grow. "What's he doing?" Deadpool gasped. Krieg grew twice his size and his left arm shrunk. The right arm grew huge and he bellowed "I'M GOING TO PUT MY PAIN INTO YOUR SOUL!"

"Fuck that!"

Deadpool turned and bolted. He could hear Krieg's massive footsteps charging. "What the hell!" Deadpool shouted. "I didn't sign up for this!" He ran up a set of stairs and looked to see where Krieg was. Krieg jumped and landed right next to him.

Deadpool ran even faster when the psycho raised his buzz saw. He pulled out his pistols and started shooting behind him. "YOUR PEBBLES DO NOTHING TO MY MOUNTAIN!" Krieg roared. Deadpool turned a corner and ran up a conveyer belt leading up a ledge. "And I thought I was crazy! This guy is out of his fucking mind!" He thought.

He reached the top and started dropping grenades down the belt. One struck Krieg in the chest and sending him falling down the belt. "At least I'm good for now." He sighed. He turned and walked straight into the barrel of a pistol. "I wouldn't be so sure." A female voice announced.

He looked her over and was pretty impressed. She had short blue hair and wore a yellow top. Her pants were black and she had some crazy tattoos on her left arm. Her boobs were a little small for his taste, but she was still pretty sexy. "Hello there beautiful." He thought out loud.

She scowled and kicked him down the belt. He rolled down shouting "BITCH!" When he stopped rolling, he was looking up at Krieg. "NIGHTY NIGHT!" He hollered as he raised his boot. He stomped on Deadpool's head and knocked him out.

There you have it! My first chapter of Two Assassins! Let me know what you all think and I'll probably write another chapter.