Author's Note: Hello, everyone! This is my first time writing for the Big Bang Theory fandom. About a month ago, I watched a movie on Netflix titled "Not Safe for Children" and it inspired the plot to this. I hope you all enjoy. It's been a joy writing this so far.

Ugh. Lunch shift at the Cheesecake Factory made that ad for a family with five kids in need of a nanny she'd skimmed over when she first moved to Pasadena look real attractive. Penny pulled herself up the final flight of stairs, doing her best to ignore the mashed potatoes covering the front of her uniform. Three tables stiffed her on tips, one table had a little boy who managed to get food everywhere but on himself, and she'd dropped an entire tray of food an hour before her shift ended, covering herself and one unfortunate man in a rather expensive looking business suit in various vegetables. Her feet ached, she needed a shower in the worst way, and maybe a good cry while she was at it. She'd definitely be finishing off the rest of that wine tonight.

She didn't make it to the couch before her apartment exploded with frantic knocks. Groaning, she flicked her gaze between the oh so attractive blue cushions and her door. Might as well get it over with. Dropping her purse, she shuffled back to fling open the door with more force than she'd intended. Leonard, Howard and Raj all but fell into living room, scrambling to right themselves as she raised an eyebrow. "What is it, guys? Halo night doesn't start until eight, and I just got home from work."

The boys exchanged looks with each other, as though they were silently electing which one of them would speak. Leonard, as usual, must have gotten the vote. "We need a bit of a favor." Oh, red flags didn't come any bigger than that. Why couldn't she have made friends with some nice, normal, non-genius people? Then she could come home from a shitty day at work and drown herself in bad reality television and wine like the rest of society.

"Alright, out with it." She allowed herself to lean on the door frame, making a waving gesture with her hand. "I'd like to get a shower before I kick all your butts on the Xbox."

They engaged in another round of looks before Howard rolled his eyes. "Sheldon's gone insane." Oh, alert the media! Call on the National Guard! Whack-A-Doodle's lost what's left of his marbles! "Again."

"So?"

Leonard did that nervous smile that she'd grown to dread. "The thing is," he laughed, the sound hollow. "He's been at his laptop since this morning. He even skipped work, and he won't tell any of us what it is he's doing. He insists he has to speak with you first."

She closed her eyes, scrubbing a hand over her face. This had "only adding to your shitty day" written all over it. "Can't it wait until I come over for Halo night? I've had a really bad day, and I don't feel like dealing with Sheldon's crazy right now." She didn't much feel like video games either, but she'd learned the hard way what happens when you mess with Sheldon's schedule.

"Penny, we're really worried." Her ex put on those ridiculous puppy dog eyes behind his glasses, and she resigned herself to postponing her shower. "I don't even think he's eaten anything." She hated how those words pulled at her heartstrings. He may be crazy, but she had an undeniable soft spot for the lanky nerd across the hall.

"Okay, fine." She thrust a finger out at Leonard. "But you're taking him grocery shopping this week."

Sure enough, the good doctor in question sat at his desk, neatly stacking together a pile of papers that looked suspiciously like another one of his contracts. Even as the boys stumbled in behind her, he appeared oblivious to their presence. Taking a deep breath, she moved toward him, putting on the high pitched voice reserved strictly for small children and Sheldon. "Sweetie? You okay over there?"

His head snapped toward her, eyes wild, before his expression softened. "Oh good!" He placed one last piece of paper on the stack before extending it toward her. "You're already here. This saves me the trouble of going to your apartment."

Penny took in the ominous gift in his hand. Maybe if she ran now, she could get back to her apartment and into a nice bath, complete with her wine. No, he'd only follow her. The man-child couldn't take a hint any better than Howard at a night club. She steeled herself, taking the massive pile from him and scanning the first page.

"A proposal for reproduction?" She sifted through the next few pages. "Sheldon, what the hell?"

"I have testicular cancer," he said, so matter of fact, as if that answered everything. Her mouth fell open, and she had a sneaking suspicion she looked like a fish. Cancer. He had cancer? She reached out for the nearest surface to steady herself, forgetting to freak out that it happened to be Howard's shoulder.

"Oh my god, Sheldon!"

Unmoved by her exclamation, he merely waved a hand at her. "No need to despair. The doctors assure me that a single surgery and round of chemo should completely rid me of the affliction." Before the relief could even set in, he continued as though he were explaining the importance of his high fiber cereal. "However, the surgery has a rather unfortunate side effect. It will render me infertile."

A proposal for reproduction. Testicular cancer. Infertile.

"You want me to have your baby?"

Somewhere behind her, she could hear Leonard begin his outburst. The room around her became blurry, and the ground shifted beneath her feet. She hoped Howard had enough strength to catch her before she hit the floor.

"Of course, Penny!" Oh, so she was still conscious? "You read the title page for yourself! Do keep up!" Only Sheldon Cooper could ask a woman to bear his children and insult her in the same breath.

"Shouldn't…" she shook her head, glad when some of her vision came back into focus. "Should you be having this conversation with Amy? You know, your girlfriend."

"Yeah!" Leonard appeared beside her. "I'm sure Amy would be more than happy to help you out!"

Exasperated, Sheldon gave a dramatic eye roll. "I've already spoken with Amy Farrah Fowler and presented a similar proposal to her. She has informed me she has no intentions of ever bearing offspring and respectfully declined."

Penny made her way to the couch, falling into it with a thump. Was she sleeping? Maybe she'd drank too much tequila the night before. That proved to induce some wild dreams in the past. Sheldon Cooper did not just ask her to be his baby mama.

"When did you speak to Amy?" The humunculus was still yelling. God, what if she was awake?

"Who do you think took me to my doctor's appointments? Good lord, I wasn't going to take the bus!"

"No, Raj," Howard gulped, ever that dramatist. "I think he's serious."

"Why do you need Penny to have your baby? Surely they can cryogenically freeze your sperm until you find someone crazy enough to have a kid with you!"

"Yeah," she heard herself speak up. "Can't they freeze your…stuff?" She lifted her gaze, finding her ex very much invading his roommate's personal space, and looking murderous.

"Don't you think I would have thought of that already?" Sheldon scoffed. "I've tried. Unfortunately, I am part of the 1% of males whose sperm will not survive the freezing process. I'm afraid my only option is to procreate before my surgery."

Humunculus appeared less than satisfied. "But why does it have to be her? There are egg donors and surrogates. There's no reason you have to procreate with Penny."

Sheldon raised an eyebrow. "I beg to differ. My surgery is in three weeks. That's not enough time to worry with ova donors and surrogates. Penny is obviously the best choice. She's already integrated into our social circle, and while she's not a genius, she's far from stupid." Well, she'd best mark that one down. "We would produce offspring that would be both highly intelligent and aesthetically pleasing."

Howard snickered, taking a step forward. "Your babies will be smart and beautiful!"

"Precisely, Howard!" Sheldon really had that condescending tone down. "If Woloitz can understand this, why can't you, Leonard?"

"You guys laughed at me when I said that!"

Even in the midst of the chaos, Penny found it in herself to take a jab at Leonard's irrational possessiveness of her. "Our babies would be smart and beautiful, Leonard, but they'd also be short and asthmatic." She ignored his protest and turned her eyes to Sheldon instead. If she took away all the crazy, he was just a really tall, slim guy with blue eyes too pretty for a boy, her Nana would say. There was no denying his intelligence, either. Neurotic he may have been, but he was also scary smart. Unbidden, her mind drew up a picture of blond haired, blue eyed children, running around making death rays.

"Whack-A-Doodle's got a point. We'd make awesome babies."

The sudden silence brought her back to herself, and her cheeks flared with heat. "God, what am I saying? Sheldon, I'm not having your baby." She thrust his papers back at him, fully intending on escaping to her own apartment, but he fixed her with that gaze. The gaze that had her singing him Soft Kitty and rubbing vapo rub on his chest.

"Penny you're my last hope! You have to at least consider my proposal!"

The weight of her whole day suddenly became too much to bear, and she stood on shaky legs. "I…I can't do this right now. I'm covered in food and I'm exhausted. We'll talk about this tomorrow."

None of them moved to stop her as she escaped to 4B. She didn't realize until she'd locked the door behind her and collapsed onto the couch that she still had Sheldon's proposal in her hand.