summary: hold on to the world we all remember fighting for, there's some strength left in us yet.
dedication: the song "hello cold world" from paramore. it fits really, really well for this fic.
notes: i was going to have a new title, and then i decided nah. also, i had this whole outline for this chapter, and at the end it told me "fuck you" and took it completely differently. probably for the better.
ps: i, uh. i'm so sorry. wow. uh. so my first semester of college kicked my ass so hard. i am so sorry. and i have a big demand to update my tattoo au on top of that. so sorry guys! i'm trying!
my soul: never thought i would see the end. we made it, guys. i guess this officially an in-universe au. also, i am participating in naruhina month!

chapter nine:
something always brings me back to you

It is dark and cold.

Despite this, the lights are off and the window is open next to her as Hinata shivers in bed, staring up at the white ceiling. Goosebumps break out on her pale, bare skin, but she doesn't mind much. She likes the cold, especially in comparison to the rather balmy weather Konoha usually had.

The cold keeps her alive.

It is the sharp chill in the air that keeps her awake, keeps her focused. It's also her favorite kind of weather; the brisk pain in her chest gives her some kind of hope. She's not sure why. She thinks perhaps it's the fact that she has lived another year, that she is safe and alive.

Sometimes, she doesn't know why she's happy to be alive. Why should she be alive when Neji isn't? He would've been a much better leader than her. He would've had the support of the whole clan — everything was changing now, and he would've been such a fantastic clan head to lead this transitory stage. Neji would have rightfully deserved the title of clan head, he wouldn't have to fight his little sister just to prove that he's capable.

One of her biggest disgraces is the Elder's decision to make her and Hanabi fight each other once more. Hinata had thought that, after the war, after her sacrifices and her displays of power and ability, there was no more questioning. She finally could say that she was the Hyuuga heiress, with definite pride.

But she's sad, and that's the problem. She's depressed and she has PTSD. Everyone could tell that something was not quite right with her — she was not the calm soul during meditation, and she was vicious during training sessions. Apparently, some people had taken notice of her fleeing in the dark cover of night in tears. Some people had heard her scream in the small hours of the morning after a particularly vivid nightmare.

She wasn't balanced, and someone who was unbalanced couldn't possibly be clan leader.

It's why she sits in dark silence and stares up at the ceiling, trying not to cry. She has another year of being watched and evaluated, before she has to fight for her title once more. But she doesn't want to fight her sister — she doesn't want to beat her to a bloody pulp in front of their father and the Elders.

But if war has taught her one thing, it's that she can come to terms with what she must do.

There's a quiet knock on her door, and she sits up and quietly says, "Come in."

Hiashi walks in after closing the door behind him, and sets two boxes, one small and one slightly larger down on her desk in the corner. He isn't fazed by the darkness of the room, or the fact that she is still awake, despite the late hour. He's in his sleeping robes, probably headed to bed. He sits inches from her, an easy, comfortable distance between the two of them who have only recently begun reaching out to one another.

"Yes, Father?"

He clears his throat before he begins speaking in a low voice. "I know you aren't fond of your birthday, so I don't want to make an event of it. But I would be a bad father if I didn't give you some presents."

Hinata gives him a small smile. "Thank you."

There's a stagnant silence between the two of them for a moment, as he reaches for words to say.

"Hinata, I wanted to tell you that I'm proud of you," he says, shifting to face her. "I know that it was hard. Your generation in particular is lucky, to having Tsunade-sama to be able to approach the issues of the aftermaths of war that earlier generations haven't been able to. The only reason that the Elders are questioning your leadership ability is because they had to deal with their own nightmares afterward in a way that was very unhealthy."

At this, he wraps an arm around her, and it's a stiff movement but a loving gesture. And it is because of this that she relaxes into the embrace.

"I'm proud of you, Hinata. I have all my faith in you, and I know that you can get better. I love you."

She takes a choking breath, because her eyes are tearing up but she doesn't want to cry. She wants to be strong, she wants to take this acknowledgement — these words that she has been craving for over ten long years — with grace. She blinks through her tears and she holds her head up high, with nobility and with a smile.

"Thank you, Father."

He presses his lips to the top of her head, and as he leaves the room, he whispers, "Happy birthday, my daughter."

She takes a moment to collect herself, before she walks over to her desk. She knows that it doesn't matter when she opens the presents — if he didn't want her to open them now, he wouldn't have given them to her now. Besides, it was technically her birthday, even if only by hours. She opens the smaller box first — a simple box with dark velvet. Inside is a delicate hairpiece, decorated with light metal flowers whose petals stretch out in a gorgeous pastel. It would be what she would pin her hair up with for her banquet tomorrow. A common tradition.

Hinata turns her gaze next to the larger package, which is covered in careful tissue paper. She carefully unwraps it, taking the time to not rip the paper. She takes in a deep breath as she gazes down at the material in front of her.

It's a kimono, the same that her mother had wore on their formal occasions. She supposes that it would finally fit her now, now that's she's grown tall and womanly like her mother was. Her fingers run along the smooth fabric, and she gingerly picks it up to bring the kimono to her face. Tears fill her eyes when she inhales the smell of the fabric, as the scent of lily and peach brings her back to memories of holding her mothers hand and of kisses goodnight. Hinata sits back on the bed, the smooth fabric held to her face, as she cries and remembers.

"I miss you, Mom," she whispers, her eyes trailing to the beams of moonlight from the window. "I…I miss you, so much. So much has changed, for our clan, for Father…for me. I hope you're proud of me."

She feels a gentle hand stroke her hair, and she gasps in a sob. When she feels the strong arms wrap around her, she jumps and goes to swing a palm at the intruder— though not laced with chakra, it can't do much. Hanabi catches her wrist with a deft move, and the older woman stares guiltily at her sister.

"I'm sorry," she mumbles, but Hanabi waves it off.

"Sucks, huh?"

Hinata laughs quietly as her sister sits with her hips to hers. "That's a way to put it, I suppose."

There's a pause of silence.

"What was Mom like?"

Hanabi has asked this often. She was only three when their mother passed, and her sister didn't remember well enough. She only knew that she should be sad.

"She was sweet, and warm, and loving," Hinata replies. "She always tucked us in, and she sang lullabies and told us stories of true love and always kissed us on our foreheads."

Her and Hanabi got along well, despite what people thought. They were sisters, they were blood, and Hanabi had been subject to their father's bad days just as much as she had. They told each other everything, trained together, and occasionally fought — they were just sisters, after all. But the idea that they didn't get along was a horrific untruth.

"That sounds nice," Hanabi says, after a long pause. Then, a quiet glance. "Someone's at the gate for you."

Hinata blinks. "Oh. Really?"

"Yeah, some crazy boy, I think," her sister says, with a vicious grin and a small shove. "You should probably go chase him away before Father does."

A heavy blush spreads across her face and she pops up to change into something more decent. Her sister laughs quietly as Hinata pulls on a bra and proper pants before slinking out the door toward her own room across the hall. Hinata takes a quick moment to look at herself in the mirror, and smooth down her hair that has gotten frazzled in all of her tossing.

It is around one in the morning, she thinks as her feet pad lightly down the wooden hallway. She opens and closes the door with a quiet click.

Naruto kicks off of the wall he was resting on to get her. She tucks some hair behind her ear to smile at him, and he murmurs a warm "Hello" in her ear before kissing her cheek. A warm feeling floods her body as he laces his fingers into hers and smiles at her.

He's so gorgeous.

"It's so late, what are you doing up?" she asks, scuffling along the path with him.

"What are you doing up?" he replies. "It's late. I always figured you were the 'early to bed, early to rise' kinda girl."

She averts his eyes and her smile drops for a moment. She considers lying to him, but she knows it will do her no good. "I've just...I've been having some trouble sleeping. Ever since we got back."

He squeezes her hand gently. "Nightmares?" he asks in a soft voice.

"You know how it is," she whispers. It's embarassing, it hurts, to tell him. But she knows that if anyone would understand, it was him.

"If you ever need to talk, you know I'm here," he says, brushing his thumb over the smooth skin of her knuckles. "You know I understand."

Hinata smiles at him, leans into him for a moment as they walk. "I know, but let's not ruin our moment tonight."

Although Naruto was excited, he was nervous. He hadn't been quite sure what to get her at first — she wasn't a fan of jewelry, she was always pushing for them to just eat at Ichiraku's or grab her homemade bento when she could see he was low on money, and they weren't far enough in their relationship where he could buy her something more intimate. So what does that leave him?

His presents are simple and close to the heart, and he hopes that she appreciates them.

Their bench is empty and waiting for them, set aglow by the light of the streetlamp. The wood is cold and bites into their shoulders and the backs of their thighs, but they don't mind. They have a mment of a brief pause, where they look at each other and smile and weave their fingers together.

"Uh, happy birthday!" he says, giving her a quick kiss on the cheek. He watches her face go through a surge of emotions, not all of which he's sure of.

"You didn't have to," she says, obviously flustered, picking at the wrinkles in her pants. "I— Gosh, I didn't even tell you..."

"Kiba and Shino told me," he explains, pulling out a poorly-wrapped, flimsy box from the inside pocket of his jacket. "It's not much — they told me that you didn't like your birthday. But I wanted to get you something, is all."

Hinata gives him an embarrassed, almost exasperated smile and begins to open her present. She takes care with the wrapping, just as she did with her father's presents, treasuring this more because of the clumsy job. Her fingers are delicate, even as they fumble a little from the cold, moving with a swift deftness. Placed on top of one of his old, weatherworn signature jackets is a framed picture of them together, taken just a few days ago.

"I figured," he begins to explain, scratching the back of his head, a flush on his cheeks, "this way, y'know, when we're off at missions or something, I'm kinda always there with you. And well, the picture of us is just because. I have one, too."

She fingers the seam where orange meets black, where it is weathered and worn and she can see the stitches pulling up. But it's worn with love and care and passion, and she bets it smells just like him.

But the jacket itself reminds her of all of them — but especially of herself. She had gone through a lot, in the past few years, and even in the past couple months. And perhaps she still hadn't fully accepted it, but despite what the Elders thought, the way she was feeling was normal. She had gone through it all, her own stitches tearing and bursting at the seams, but she was still here. She was together, she was sane, and she could get past it.

She would be okay one day, even if that day wasn't today.

She was going to get better.

"It's perfect, thank you." Her voice is soft as she watches the light shine off the pane of glass in the frame. Hinata looks up at him and he can see shining happiness in the way her eyes twinkle and how her lips curl and soften.

He didn't want to overwhelm her with something too extravagent, or too meaningful, or too anything. He aimed for simplicity — that was what he was best known for, after all. All he wanted was for her to be happy, and he likes to have played a role in that today.

As she looks at the way his smile is like the sun and his hands hold hers with an unbridled tenderness, she thinks about kissing him. They had come close to kissing a few times. In his apartment mostly, at lunch, once, and during training once or twice. But it never felt right — it felt too tense, too awkward, too forced. It wasn't perfect.

But she's gazing at Naruto, and his eyes sparkle at her, so vibrant they are almost humming in pleasure, and she thinksto herself,

This is it.

Her hand finds its way to his cheek, and she gives him a little laugh before pulling him down to her level so she can kiss him.

His lips are chapped, their noses keep bumping, and her fingers are like ice against his jaw, but it is sweet and it is perfect. They smile and laugh as they break away, before locking eyes and pressing their lips together again once, twice, three times. Their cheeks flush a subtle rose together, but they don't hide their happy affection, curling into one another and talking for a good hour. Their chats are accompanied with kisses and laughter and ticklish spots.

Her chest feels light and happy. For the first time in months, her eyes are tired and she thinks she could curl up in bed and sleep for days.

"What's wrong, Sasuke?"

The moon is high in the sky, bright and full tonight, casting shadows and light alike on the dead trees in the courtyard of her apartment complex. But all the lights are on in her cramped living room, hot cups of tea in their hands as they stare at each other from across her coffee table.

He wants to tell her. He wants to trust her, with his heart and his soul, but when he even thinks about forming the words I need help, his throat tightens up and his muscles throughout his entire body clench. His nerves are on fire and he can't do anything but stare, pleading at her.

She knows something is wrong — she's known it since they were twelve, of course. But it's all said and done now, and they've gone through a lot of shit. There is something bothering him that has never before. There's a spark in his eyes that she can't find anymore, nothing to tell her what is bothering him so much.

Sakura reaches across the coffee table and grasps his hand tight in hers. Her jade eyes glint in her hard expression, full of passion and care and it makes him hurt.

"I can't help you if you don't tell me what's wrong," she says, and despite her harsh expression, her voice is soft. Almost like she's trained in this. "You don't need to hide anything from me."

He tugs his hand out of her grip, not noticing the flash of hurt run across her face, and buries his face in his hands. He is tired and he wants to sleep, but he knows it won't come.

Sasuke doesn't even know why he's here. He doesn't know why he came to her, doesn't know why he's sitting here, in her living room, with her tea in front of him and her worried gaze suffocating him. It's stupid, and he shouldn't be here, but he doesn't know where else to go.

"I can't," he finally chokes out. It is more than his body has allowed him to say before, but he knows it's not enough for her to understand.

"You can't what?"

Fuck. Fuck it all.

ending notes: i never thought i would finish this chapter you guys. this has been planned since the last chapter was finished and has been half finished for like...a good three or four months. i always get really stuck somewhere in the middle, at something i had left generally vague that just stalls me.

on another note, we are officially done with the introduction arc! the next chapter we're moving into is the start of a development arc. this isn't the name of it, but describes it pretty well. expect to see a lot more characters, more ships (aside from naruhina), etc. thank you guys for staying with me despite my super irregular update schedule!