Holy CRAP! Can it be? I'm actually alive?

I realize I have been gone for an ungodly amount of time now without any explanation. There were several contributing factors as to WHY I was gone so long. At the end of last year (in early November) I became very, VERY sick. After about two weeks I ended up in the hospital and diagnosed with a severe case of pneumonia. I spent a long period of time in the hospital recovering (and breaking two ribs from coughing in the process). It was the worst ordeal I've ever experienced in my life, honestly. I wouldn't wish that upon even my worst enemy. (to this day I still wheeze if I laugh)… to make a long story short: the recovery process was long and painful. During this time period I had NO desire to pick up my laptop and write, and I hope you all can understand that.

ANYWAY…. (enough with my sob story!) haha

As for this story; it takes place in an alternate universe.

A word of caution to the readers of this story; they will most likely seem out of character during a few parts of this thing (mainly on Arnold's part). Their lives have been altered (meaning Arnold and Helga have never met before) so in turn they've become semi-different people. (but they're still the characters we all know and love deep down inside!) I found it very interesting to explore the possible outcomes for these two without one another to influence the situations they face in their lives. I just hope you all feel the same way I do while you read this! (I understand that AU stories can sometimes be a drag)

Anyway, I hope everyone enjoys my take on Hey Arnold in this alternate universe… it's certainly a little twist on our definition of reality.

Disclaimer: I don't own Hey Arnold!

"I just pray my problems go away if they're ignored, but that's not the way it works… No that's not the way it works."

Relient K - "When I Go Down"

Prologue:

Tonight had been the final straw. It felt like hours he had battled with himself to keep his sanity on the cusp of "normal" as he paced around a now seemingly cold and empty space he once called his own. His hair had become unruly from his sweaty palms and unforgiving grip. There was a nearly silent whisper on his lips, reassuring himself of what exactly he didn't know. Maybe there was hope for what was to come? No, he knew that couldn't be. Hope was a gift to those who had the audacity to believe in something better. He had lost that blind innocence long ago, back when dreams were worth having and faith in the impossible was abundant. With that thought still fresh in his mind, another wave of panic and nausea fell over him and he found himself rushing over to the nearest toilet and dry heaving for several minutes. Once the nausea subsided, he fell back against the tile wall with a thud and cupped his face in his hands and took several deep breaths. "Calm down" he repeated like a mantra. "This isn't you… this ISN'T you!" All of his life, he was never really emotionally unstable or excessively strange. So who was this person he had suddenly transformed into?

He carefully hoisted himself back onto his shaky feet and stumbled over to the bathroom mirror. What he found staring back at him wasn't the person he knew to be his usual reflection. Pale skin from lack of sunlight, dark bags under his eyes that could hide no secrets of his insomnia, even his green eyes were washed out with no trace of their former mirth. He gave his reflection a hard stare and gripped both sides of the mirror on the medicine cabinet, "Look at you…" his fingers grew tighter and tighter around the edges of the mirror and caused a creaking sound in the aging metal. "You're pathetic." It took only one harsh tug for the mirror to come off of its hinges. He repeatedly smashed the mirror on the side of the sink, causing shards to go flying and erasing the harsh image of the shell of a person he had slowly let himself become. He left the bathroom still in a blind rage with himself, but more than anything, he was still confused with what was going on in his head. What was he supposed to do now? What was left here for him? In his heart, he knew this was a crossroad he was bound to come across in his life. Stay… or go? Did he really want to stay here and feel the suffocation he had been suffering the past few months? But could he really leave this life behind? In the back of his mind, he could hear himself screaming "There's nothing worth staying for!" That was the answer he needed. With his mind made up, he decided the quicker he left, the easier it would be for him. No long goodbyes or drawn out hugs. He needed to go… he had to. All of his essential belongings easily fit into two suitcases, the final item being packed was a framed photo of two people he loved dearly. On his way to the front door, he stopped at the kitchen table and scribbled a note for anyone to find. As the final touch for his departure, he tossed his cell phone on the table next to the note. As he made his final journey towards the train station, he felt as though a huge weight had been lifted from him, a new sense of freedom and adventure pumping through his veins with his old life and home fading in the distance. A rare smile graced his lips as a familiar voice echoed in his head,

"your destiny is waiting for you somewhere out there, Shortman."

**16 months later**

It was times like this that Helga hated working in a bar. There was some sort of car show taking place that weekend, so all the pig headed morons within a 100 mile radius had flocked into town and decided to hunker down at the local bar and grill conveniently located two blocks from the convention center and the surrounding hotels. The only perk of the extra flow of people was the tips she'd get. If she batted her eyelashes a bit and smiled at the half drunk college boys, they'd leave her a fat tip in hopes that she'll give them a little extra attention. It wasn't exactly how Helga enjoyed earning money, but at least with this job it meant she didn't need her father's money to survive.

"If you're into trying new things, I suggest 'sex on the beach'. It's delicious." Helga made a show out of leaning against one of the tall tables while taking the order of three men in their early twenties. All three sets of eyes raked over her form like she was a piece of prime rib. She knew she was being blatantly misleading to them, but what did she care? Money is money. If they paid her fairly, she'd give them their innocent little show.

"You really know how to work that 'hot blonde' angle, don't ya Pataki?" Patty, her boss, chuckled in amusement as she mixed three 'sex on the beach' cocktails for Helga's table. "You are literally the only person I know who could get three grown men to order a prissy girl's drink."

"What can I say? Men are easy to deal with." she glanced over her shoulder at the table of guys still watching her. She wiggled her fingers at them with a wave and a mocking smile. All three of them instantly waved back. "See what I mean Patty? A smile, and a wave, and then boom, instantly brain dead."

"Yeah, Harold was the same way when we met back in elementary school. I always thought it was because he was immature… but then I slowly realized he's just a guy." she set the three drinks on Helga's tray and slid them down the bar towards her. "Are you going on your break after that table?"

"Yep." she picked the tray up and balanced it in one hand, "I'm in dire need of one of Harold's burgers. Can you send the order back to him so it'll be ready when I get finished here? I'll just eat at the bar." Patty nodded, wiping her hands on her apron before going through the double doors that lead to the restaurant portion of the building to go talk to her fiancé. Much to Helga's delight, the three guys left a hearty tip along with one of their phone numbers when they left. The joy of a fat wad of cash in her pockets was somewhat lost on Helga though. The next week after the car show, everything would be back to normal and the bar would have its usual ups and downs and Helga would be forced to scrape together money for food and rent. Despite her struggles, she was extremely thankful for the meager job she had now. Patty and Harold were good friends to her and helped her as much as the young couple could. They gave her this job when she was fresh-faced and new to town two years ago and helped her find her current apartment.

Helga found brief solace in her break from work, finally getting to sit down and view the layout of the bar area from a customer's perspective. It was still pretty packed full of people chattering away and drinking to their heart's content, but one table in particular caught her attention. It seemed to be a young couple sitting on the same side of the table, the girl was animatedly talking about something and waving her arms about with extra oomph. The guy was slightly hunched on the table with glazed over eyes and a demure look on his face probably caused by the extra attention the girl was giving him. She would subtly touch his thigh as she laughed and she would lean into his shoulder, trying to elicit a laugh from him as well. After spending so much time in a bar surrounded by all sorts of people, Helga had narrowed their situation down to an awkward first date. Nobody looked that uncomfortable with someone they knew well. The guy looked absolutely miserable.

Helga had seen this scenario many times before, but usually the guys are more than happy to have a hot girl hanging all over them. She couldn't help but feel a little pity for that guy. From what she could tell, this girl had to be a real piece of work. She was beautiful, there was no doubt about that, but something about her didn't sit right with Helga. She almost seemed snotty. The more she watched the two of them painfully interact, the crazier it drove her. It wasn't uncommon for Helga to 'graciously' interfere and help recycle the snobby chicks that men always seemed to drag in here. "Alright, enough is enough. Time to put this guy out of his misery." she pushed herself away from the bar and stood up. She had taken her apron off at the start of her break and was currently in her regular "street clothes", so she looked like a customer. Helga rolled her shoulders and cracked her neck, before walking over towards the table on the other side of the room; stopping just shy of it and making a big production out of gasping in shock. The couple at the table turned their heads to see who was causing the commotion. "What is this?" she marched up to their table and slammed her hands on the wooden surface. "You're seriously cheating on me?" her eyes fell on the girl and angrily narrowed her eyes, "with HER? HOW COULD YOU?" she turned her gaze back to the suddenly wide-eyed man, his mouth had fallen slack and hung open loosely. He had never seen this girl before in his life! Before he could respond to her claims, he was violently smacked on the arm by the girl at the table.

"Excuse me? What the HELL!" she placed another smack on his arm and stood up from their table. "You're a real piece of work, you know that Arnold?-" Helga's ears seem to perk up at this, loverboy had a name to go with the face. "You could have at least told me you were dating someone else BEFORE we went out!" Helga watched their exchange with both hands on her hips in one of those ridiculous 'sassy' poses, still feigning anger at the situation. His unhappy drinking companion mimicked her pose and glared at Helga, obviously appraising her appearance. "You know what? I don't need this shit." she grabbed her bag from the table, smacked him over the head with it, as she stomped by the both of them. She practically broke the door off its hinges when she slammed it shut behind her. The moment the girl was out of sight, Helga visibly relaxed, re-adopting her casual composure.

Arnold was another story entirely: he was still in shock and looked slightly mortified at what transpired. It startled her when their eyes finally met. He seemed to be struggling with what exactly he was supposed to say. His mouth opened and closed several times before settling on keeping it closed. Helga decided to help him out one last time, "You know, her whole 'dramatic exit' will be totally moot if you don't at least attempt to chase her and act like you give a shit about what she thinks of you." once again she placed her palm on the table and leaned a little closer to him and tapped his chin with her index finger, "By the way, I'm breaking up with you." she felt the thrill of excitement run through her as she walked away without bothering to throw another glance back at the poor sap. "Later, Casanova."

Arnold felt frozen in place for several more seconds before reality came slamming back to him, and he realized he was suddenly alone in this bar. He threw a twenty on the table with haste and grabbed his jacket off the back of his chair. As he maneuvered through the people to get to the exit, he caught another quick glance at the intriguing girl who randomly decided to push her way into his personal life. She was tying an apron around her waist before going behind the counter at the bar. Despite the insanity that had ensued, he smiled to himself and opened the door that lead out into the chilly October night that was awaiting him. For the first time in a long time, he didn't feel so glum about going home alone, and… Dare he say he felt some kind of misguided joy caused by that pretty bartender's random mischief? It made his insides soar and he didn't want to let that feeling go, because for the first time in years, he was actually feeling something again beyond uncertainty. Now that he had a taste of it, he knew he had to feel that rush of joy again, no matter how minuscule it was. He needed it.

At least he had something to look forward to…

**Two weeks later**

Helga's premonition about her workload proved to be true. The past week had been a complete drag. The weekend of the car show had been so hectic and busy, then one week later, the bar had been reduced to practically a ghost town. On the really slow days, Patty would send Helga into the kitchen to 'help' her fiancé, but in reality, she was sent back there to mess with Harold until he cracked. Patty and Helga made bets on how long it would take him to blow a gasket. It was silly and juvenile, but nothing thrilled them more than hearing Harold screaming something about a 'Madam Fortress Mommy' and throwing pots around the kitchen.

Tonight was already proving to be the beginning of another restlessly boring shift. Rain was falling loudly against the outside awning and the wind was blowing hard enough to cause the street signs to sway. To make a long story short; hardly anybody would be in the mood to go out for a drink on an evening like this. Helga still had five hours until her shift ended at 1am. She had two customers sitting at the bar and nobody sitting at the tables. When Patty emerged from the restaurant, she gave Helga her 'I need a favor' face.

"What is it?" she cringed.

"Two of Harold's boys called in sick tonight. It's getting backed up in the kitchen and he needs an extra set of hands to help with garbage detail. Everyone else is working the line tonight and-"

"So you need good old Helga to take out Harold's trash?" her nose crinkled in disgust. "That sounds all together aesthetically unpleasant."

"It'll take you twenty minutes tops, Helga. You know I can't leave the bar unattended that long or else I would do it!" Helga would never admit it out loud, but she often found herself fearing her boss. Patty was one woman she would never mess with. When she asked Helga to do something, she would do it without much of a fight. The last thing she needed was to be thrown around like a rag doll by a much taller, bulkier woman.

"Alright, alright! Crimeny… I'll do it." she gave her boss a mocking bow before going into the restaurant to collect the bags of trash to take them out to the big garbage in the alley. The bags were sitting near the back exit in a huge pile almost just as tall as the door itself. "Oh fuck me." her palm collided with her forehead. Those industrial-sized garbage bags probably weighed 50 pounds each, Helga somehow doubted that carrying them would be simple for her 115 pound frame. She didn't have time to sit around and complain about the logistics of it though, she had a job to do. She gripped the top of one of the bags and tugged it forward with a grunt, finding it easier to shimmy the bag along the linoleum floor until she reached the door. When the bag touched the rain soaked cement outside, she was forced to finally use what little strength she had to hoist the top of the bag at her shoulder, leaving the rest of it hanging down her backside. Oddly enough, she felt like an emaciated Santa Claus in this position.

The garbage cans were located at the end of the alley near the street and a good 25 feet from the back door of the bar. When she reached the halfway mark there was an audible thump that could be heard over the rain falling all around her, she looked down and saw that she was leaving a trail of garbage behind her. The bag must have ripped during all that dragging. As if on cue, the bag ripped open entirely and all of it's contents came spilling from the bottom. "God dammit!" she crouched down to assess what exactly she'd be cleaning up. She wasn't about to just stick her hands in other people's trash. She was flustered and irritated at this point and bemoaned Patty to the highest degree for making her do this crap. She had hardly noticed someone had been hovering over her for the past ten seconds.

"You look like you could use some help-"

Helga let out an ear piercing scream of terror and fell straight on to her rear end, soaking her jeans with rain water in the process. "WHAT THE FUCK?" she glared up at her assailant, who happened to be holding an umbrella over her. "GO AWAY!"

"Whoa, whoa! I'm not gonna hurt you or anything." he held his hand up defensively and took a small step away from her. It took her several moments before she realized she had seen this guy before. She remembered something about a bad date and a bimbo. "I'm sorry if I frightened you. I saw you struggling with that bag right before it fell apart and I-"

"So you were stalking me?" she spat with venom. Despite her wet jeans, she stood up to glare at him.

"What? No! I-… look, uh… This isn't going how I pictured it would." he was becoming tongue tied the more he spoke. He shook his head roughly to regain whatever sense of composure he possessed. "okay, let me try this again; my name is Arnold." he held his hand out to her, expecting her to meet him halfway and return the same courtesy. He was gravely mistaken when his hand was left in mid air and empty. He awkwardly retracted his hand and rubbed the back of his neck with it. "Um… I'm not really sure if you remember it or not but we sort of met a few weeks ago, well… not really met necessarily, but-"

"I remember you Arnold. Now if you don't mind, I'm in the middle of something." she gestured to the mess scattered around the alley. "Get lost."

"I'm sorry if I've interrupted you, but in all honesty I was actually seeking you out to thank you for what you did. I've been going through a really weird time for a while and it's been-" his well practiced speech he had planned for her was interrupted by her palm flying up and stopping a few inches from his face.

"Stop right there bucko. I don't want your gratitude, nor do I want to hear whatever sob story you've come here prepared with. Everyone has a sob story, and quite frankly I would rather worry about myself. So do us both a favor and get lost and most importantly: LEAVE ME ALONE!"

Arnold was a bit perplexed. He had been imagining how their next encounter would go for the past two weeks, and having her barking orders at him was far from how he pictured it. What happened to the rambunctious girl he'd met before? He found himself getting a bit agitated with her, "You know, you're kind of rude."

"Ouch. You've wounded my soul." her hand fell over her heart. It didn't take a genius to see she was being sarcastic. "Let's get one thing straight: the girl you think you met in the bar isn't the same person you're talking to right here." she pointed harshly to the ground to emphasize the boundaries of the bar and the outside world, "Do you seriously think I'm some bubbly bimbo who passes out cocktails and free ass grabs? If you were expecting to see little miss sunshine, go inside and pay me to give a shit about your pathetic attempt at banter. Got it?"

The scathing look in her eyes set something off in Arnold. It suddenly became clear that she was being difficult with him just for the sake of being difficult, it was almost as if she was challenging him. Arnold grinned to himself. She wasn't like everyone else in his life who treated him like some sort of porcelain doll who needed to be treated with care, she was even being downright nasty to him. He figured if she had truly wanted him to leave, she would have kicked him in the balls and been on her merry way. She was obviously testing him in her own weird way, seeing how far he would go just to even speak to her… it was almost like some sort of twisted game. He didn't know how he was able to decode whatever wall of defense she had put up, but now that he cracked the code, the idea was suddenly very enthralling to play along for his own amusement. He wondered if she thought he would give up?

"I got it." he took a few steps back, indicating his departure. "Have fun with the trash."

Helga wasn't quite sure what he meant by that comment. She didn't care either way. In the end it took her well over 40 minutes to completely finish cleaning up her mess and taking the other bags out. She was soaking wet and irritated, this night couldn't end quickly enough. Patty was still stationed behind the bar when she came back inside, she was taking someone's order and chatting idly with them. Helga silently and sullenly brushed past her to grab a towel and dab some of the rain water off of herself.

"Took you long enough to come back." Patty moved behind her to grab a bottle of liquor just as the bell above the door gave out a familiar jingle sound that indicated someone coming inside. "Take their order would ya?" both of their heads turned to see Arnold plopping down on a bar stool with a smug grin on his face. Patty paid no mind to their new customer and continued on her previous mission to pour a drink. Arnold fished a twenty out of his wallet and fanned the air with it, mockingly luring her.

Helga took a deep breath and calmly walked over to where he was sitting. "What can I get you?" she spoke through tightly clenched teeth. She never wanted to punch someone so badly in her life. Helga had always had to deal with clingy men in the past who took her work demeanor the wrong way, but she never had one that wouldn't take the hint and fuck off after she verbally berated them. She couldn't figure out what he wanted!

"What's your name?" he was still smiling, cocking his head slightly to the side.

She stared blankly at him for a moment before her face fell into a scowl. "Nope. I don't do names Arnoldo. Just forget about it."

His eyebrow quirked up in amusement, "Arnoldo?"

"Would you rather I come up with a name based on the unusual shape of your head?" her eyes narrowed.

He found himself subconsciously touching his head as if he could somehow make it less oblong. "Arnoldo works just fine for me." he realized then that she was trying to distract him, "So why won't you tell me your name?"

"Are you going to order something or what? I don't have all night bucko."

It was obvious that this girl was one tough nut to crack. He couldn't even get a name out of her! Arnold didn't come over here tonight to bicker with this girl and listen to her snipe unpleasantries at him. For reasons unknown, however, it didn't really bother him that she wasn't some happy go lucky "perky" blonde. This girl had a chip on her shoulder and had no problems expressing it to everyone who looked at her the wrong way. He liked that she was real with him, and honest. It gave him a new distraction from the normal thoughts that usually plagued his mind, which was why he came looking for her tonight. Maybe it was a long shot and maybe he was an idiot for thinking it was possible to get in her good graces, but Arnold couldn't resist falling into her strangely enticing gravitational pull. She was deceitfully beautiful, he couldn't deny that, but more than anything… he just wanted a normal friend.

He slid the twenty he held in his hand across the counter towards her, keeping his hand over it so she would still listen to him like she promised. "I want you to know that I didn't come here tonight to make a pass or ogle you. I came here because you did something kind for me that you really didn't have to, and maybe you didn't realize just how much that would effect me… but it did. A lot." when she began reaching for the twenty anyway he pulled it back slightly, "I honestly didn't think people did any random acts of kindness anymore, myself included… but what you did? That was kind in your own weird way even though you may not entirely understand why. Maybe you think I'm some sort of weirdo for coming here tonight to thank you for what you did, but I couldn't ignore it." his eyes fell to the glossy hardwood counter to avoid her judgmental gaze, "So thank you…"

"Helga? Do you have an extra-" Patty stopped short when she spun around with a livid expression on her face. Helga couldn't even find the gall to turn back towards Arnold, knowing he probably had a gigantic smirk on his face.

Arnold's bar stool made a scraping sound against the floor, but she still refused to look at him. "See you around… Helga." She didn't validate his jab with a response, her shoulders only tensed until she could hear the jingle of the bell as he left.

"Who was that?… He was kinda cute." Patty wiggled her eyebrows suggestively.

Helga finally glanced over her shoulder towards the door and narrowed her eyes in disgust. She saw the twenty dollar bill he had held in his hand was still sitting on the bar, waiting for her. "That… was trouble."

Thus ends chapter one of this… train wreck. haha

Everyone who got a sneak preview of this before I posted it was VERY curious as to what exactly happened to Arnold. Some answers may be more obvious than others, but rest assured there's always more to the story than what we initially see.

Also, I feel the need to bring up the subject of "Head On Collision". The story (as of now) is on a hiatus. I'm not saying I'll NEVER finish it! But over this past year I've failed to make even the slightest bit of progress on it. The inspiration was lost somewhere! I have most of the story planned, but it's just not written... maybe sometime in the future I'll feel the urge to write for it again, but until that time comes I hope you can all forgive me for kinda leaving you hanging. BUT- I promise you all that I won't stop writing in general. I've always got ideas floating around!

Thank you ALL for sticking with me after all this time.