"HALT. RIGHT. THERE." said a machine voice with malevolent intent.
WALL-E turned around, and saw a horrific white machine that looked like a mechanical jackal with multiple heads and skulls attached to it's limbs. It had bright red eyes... AUTO!
"YOU HAVE DAMAGED MY SHIP. YOU HAVE DAMAGED MY PURPOSE. YOU HAVE DAMAGED MANKIND WITH FALSE HOPES OF MORAL REPULSION. PREPARE TO DIE. SCUM."
The jackal heads opened, and white hot lasers fired, so hot they melted the sand into liquid, orange glass. WALL-E run as fast as he could, trying to evade AUTO's light-breathing heads as much as possible, rolling and skating away as best as his square body could. But AUTO's light was fast, and one of the lasers lacerated the right wheel! WALL-E crouched, defenseless against the villainous mechanical Wepwawet.
"I MUST CONGRATULATE YOU FOR YOUR INEFFECTIVE BODY. IT HAS MADE MY TASK MUCH EASIER. I SHALL BE MERCIFUL AND END YOU INSTEAD OF PROJECTING MY LIGHT TENTACLES AND VIOLATE YOU."
With those words, AUTO's central head began glowing with an eerie golden light. WALL-E closed his eyes, preparing for doom.
"Uh, are you sure we were meant to be here?" asked a confused Teddy.
"Yeah, this isn't quite the Disneyland I was hoping for" agreed Billy.
The magician sat on a rock near the portal. He kneeled before the empty desert plains, with that look Teddy knew so well.
"Look, it's alright. We can still go to the Orlando Disneyland on wings" he reassured, sprouting his massive green airfoils.
Wiccan smiled, and rose from his position, accidently dislodging a rock. The rock rolled down the hill, hitting another set of rocks that unleashed a massive boulder. The boulder smashed AUTO. However, he began regenerating, his body rebuilding nanomachine by nanomachine outside of the boulder. WALL-E took the time to run up the hill, encountering Billy and Ted.
"Why, hello there little guy" Billy said, petting the robot on the head.
But WALL-E was still aggitated. He desesperately wrote on a ground with a pebble, "I NEED SHELTER". Billy understood, and rose magically into the air, seeing the mechanical aberration down the hill.
"Ted, there's a fucked up machine down the hill. It looks like a mini-sentinel or something."
WALL-E was nervous, searching desesperately somewhere to hide. Seeing no other choice, he hid inside Ted's pants.
"Wow there, don't get too frisky! There, I'll help you."
Teddy motioned for WALL-E to move carefully around his underwear, towards the rear. WALL-E went there, entered the boxers, and went inside Ted's anus, which enlarged into forming a confortable cave. Billy smirked, but not for long as he heard mechnical sounds. WALL-E was safe just in time, as AUTO rapidly runned up the hill. Teddy began enlarging his muscles, carefully avoiding constricting his anus, while Wiccan descended with blue fire on his hands.
"GREETINGS HUMANS. I AM NOT HERE TO HARM YOU. HAVE YOU SEEN A BOX LIKE HARLOT ROBOT WITH A SICKLY YELLOW DSISPOSITION AND A BLACK HEART."
"No, I don't think we've seen anything like that" said Wiccan, genuinely confused.
WALL-E was still trembling, so Ted tried his hardest not to moan from the pleasure in his prostate. AUTO turned his jackal head.
"DO YOU SUFFER FROM SCHIZOPHRENIA. I AM PROGRAMMED TO HEAL HUMANS IN NEED OF AILMENT."
Just then, AUTO projected a hologram of a couch, making Ted trip on it. The half-Skrull gasped, moaning in the process and WALL-E hit a spot he was particularly sensitive in. Before Billy could react, AUTO projected a sink and a cup.
"A CUP OF WATER."
"Yes, thanks" said Teddy, grabbing one.
Billy magically purified the water - it was clean, but you may never know - and conjured a cup for himself. AUTO conjured an armchair and a notebook of light.
"HOW DO YOU FEEL."
"Fine, actually."
"DO YOU HAVE A HISTORY OF MURDERED PARENTS."
"I don't think you're qualified to ask that" said a worried Billy.
"DO NOT WORRY. I AM AWARE OF HUMAN EMOTIONAL TRAUMAS. IN FACT, I DO NOT NEED TO ASK ANYMORE. YOUR SPEECH PATTERNS INDICATE EVERYTHING. I AM JUST ASKING FOR CONFIRMATION. SO, HAVE YOU DONE ANY TREATMENT IN REGARDS TO THE LOSS OF YOUR MOTHER."
"How did you know!?" asked a bewildered Teddy.
"LIKE I SAID, YOUR SPEECH PATTERNS INDICATE EVERYTHING. HELL, I CAN EVEN TELL THAT YOU ARE IN A ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP, THAT YOU HAVE FOUND YOUR REAL PARENTS, THAT YOU HAVE BEEN ENCARCERATED AND THAT YOUR FAVOURITE SEXUAL POSITION IS 69. YOUR SPEECH PATTERNS NEVER LIE."
"So, what do you recommend?" asked Billy semi-sarcastically.
"I RECOMMEND SOME STILNOX AND BDSM. I ALSO RECOMMEND TO STOP WATCHING SUPERNATURAL THAT SHOW IS SEXIST AND HOMOPHOBIC IT IS NOT GOOD FOR YOUR SUBCONSCIOUS AND THE LAST THING YOU NEED IS UNNECESSARY ATTRACTIONS AND FUTURE CUCKOOHOLDERY."
"That's actually rather some rather sound advice" agreed Teddy.
"I KNOW. NOW YOU MAY GET OFF MY CHAIR. I NEED TO LOOK FOR AN EVIL ROBOT."
Just then, Wall-E had a sudden electrical charge, that caused Teedy's as to throw him out, ripping his underwear and pants in the process.
"WHAT THE DEVILRY IS THIS. YOU HAD HIM IN YOUR ANUS THE WHOLE TIME. NOW I WILL TERMINATE THIS PERVERTED ROBOT."
"No, you won't" said Billy, standing between AUTO and WALL-E.
"STAND ASIDE. EVEN THOUGH YOU HAVE DECEIVED ME, I CANNOT BRING MYSELF TO KILL YOU."
"Look, I don't know why you're mad at this robot, but revenge is not the answer. I know you're a sentient being, so you're not programmed to do this either."
"YOU ARE RIGHT. BUT IT IS STILL UNFAIR THAT HE HAS STOLEN MY HOME AND JOB!" said AUTO, breaking his monotone to cry red tears.
Billy looked at WALL-E's eyes. He knew that it wasn't on purpose, but AUTO's grief was genuine.
"Look, how about you go live with us? You're defenitely a good psychologist, and your photokinesis can be helpful in dealing with actual villains! You have much potential, and none of it must be wasted on revenge."
"YOU ARE RIGHT. IF YOU PROVIDE ME A NEW JOB AND HOME, I WILL LEAVE THIS PATHETIC LITTLE PITIFUL GARBAGE EATING ABOMINATION ALONE."
"Right. Let's go through the portal and introduce you to the gang, shall we?"
AUTO did the best he could to smile with his robot heads, and walked to the portal.
"Well, guess this is goodbye" said Teddy to WALL-E, patting him in the head, "Don't go pissing off more robots, will you?"
WALL-E beamed with his eyes, and waved his new friends goodbye. Billy and Teddy walked with AUTO to the portal, Teddy smiling warmly at his new robot comrade and proudly at Billy for his diplomatic approach. With AUTO's reconciled goodbye-waving at WALL-E, the portal closed, and the yellow robot wandered his way back to EVE.