(AN: I've watched the Escaflowne series several times now, even saw it once in a 12-hour stretch, and although I love and understand most of it, there are still things I can't explain. Like, why did Van F-up so badly in that one episode, "Operation Golden Rule of Love"? If you don't know what I mean, Van tells Hitomi "I want you!" very loudly. And then changes it to "I want your power!" Yup. Proves once and for all that guys think with their pants and not their head.
That's why I've made this parody. Enjoy.)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Operation Golden Rule of Lust
(The most deranged love story never told)
By RED--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
There are some love stories that are meant to be. They are some that are written in the stars, spun throughout the tapestry of destiny, and heard within the very breath of the cosmos as it flows through the universal being. Some love stories are eternal.
This is not one of them. Don't get your hopes up.
Anyway, there was this place called Gaea. You know, standard fantasy bargain-bin faire as far as made-up medieval anime worlds go: Pointy swords, hunky pretty boys, whining damsels in distress, bumbling knights, kingdoms that get burned down on a consecutive 6-month cycle, and of course, giant robots.
And somewhere in this fantasy bargain-bin world of Gaea, there was a girl and a boy. They were sitting in a dimly lit barn on a relatively nice hill. The girl was in the loft of the barn being quite depressed and the boy was on the floor, gradually filing the sword of his giant robot down to the size of an industrial-standard toothpick.
"You make yourself sick?" asked the boy, Van.
Van was a homeless king whose brother had burned down the kingdom, like that cliché in entertainment hadn't already been done to death. Other than that he was rather vagabondish and scruffy, and very un-pretty boyish. Very un-boyish all together actually, considering he had not hit all the noticeable parts of puberty yet. He wore the same two-piece outfit of beige pants and red shirt (stained by the blood of his victims, of course) every day of the year, so he stank a lot, but people tried to be nice and stay upwind. Van's hair had also lost a fight with a goat in his younger years; it was hard to say whether his hair looked more like a weed before or after the incident. The people of the ruined Fanelia were still placing bets on it.
"I pretend to play nice, but I just get into everybody's business," complained the girl, Hitomi, from the loft. "I'm such a jerk."
Hitomi was a swept-away-from-home-to-another-world-at-the-tender-age-of-fifteen-girl, like that cliché in anime hadn't been done to death. But hey, she had a Ski Jump nose, so she was an original character… Kinda.
She, unlike Van, had missed the exit ramp for proper anime-puberty all together, meaning she didn't have breasts so huge that she fell on her face all the time. Her hair was short and brown with these little pop-up antennae that made you wonder if she could pick up J-pop radio stations back on Earth.
And she was psychic. The Blood, Death, Destruction, "I ate your baby" kind of psychic. Okay, maybe not the last one, but come on, Hitomi forecasted more bad news in an average day than a war-zone CNN reporter. She was definitely going to need counseling once she got back to Earth.
Anyway, one thing led to another, and wouldn't you know it: girl, boy, alone in a conveniently tucked-away spot devoid of any other human for at least ten miles. No, nothing's going to happen. Shut up and sit down you hentai's, I'm not finished yet!
Van at that current moment was trying to figure out the quickest way to get into Hitomi's skirt. She had been on Gaea tagging along after him for nearly three months, and he still wasn't getting any!
Time to set up the mood, he thought.
Van tossed a yellowish melon up to Hitomi and she caught it. After Van got another one for himself, he showed her how to tear off the top and use a piece of straw to drink from it.
Hitomi made a face. "Gah, it's sour! What is this?"
Van gazed at her in a way that he hoped was seductive. Sleepy and stupid was more like it; he would have made a good poster child for drunk driving. "It's Piscus. Do you feel better now?"
"Bleh…" said Hitomi. She decided not to drink any more of the Piscus.
Van gave up trying to seduce her for a while and went back to filing his giant robot sword, all the while his hormones raged underneath.
A brief glimpse into his mind:
Fanelia
…
Sex
…
Piscus
…
Sex
…With Hitomi!
NO! Wait…Think about something else… Swoooord. Shaaaarp. S-P-O. Sharp Pointy Objects! Me likes SPO! Wheeeee!!!
…
…
…
Sexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsex
SEEEEEEEEEEX
WITH HITOMI!
End of brief glimpse (and boy, was that scary O.o;)
"Um… Well, it's not like you to be depressed, is it?" Van said, trying to keep his voice from cracking. "If you go around with that look on your face, something bad's going to happen to you."
Hitomi just kind of stared. He's trying to make me feel better! she realized. This was especially amazing since Van was so incredibly emotionally constipated that it was like having an 80-year-old man around, minus prunes.
Van swallowed. It was too much. "Hitomi?"
Hitomi paused.
"I… want you to stay with me. Stay with me from now on that is."
Hitomi dropped her Piscus and the juice inside spilled over the loft boards.
Everything went still. You could have heard a mouse fart.
"Van, what are you saying?" Hitomi was more shocked than anything. Dude, am I being asked out? Cool with me. Boy slave!
Van stood up from filing the giant robot sword; it was now so tiny that it required an electron microscope to make out. There was an enormous pile of metal shavings off to one side. "I said, I want you to stay with me…"
Duuuuude, thought Hitomi.
"I want you!" Van shouted.
Hitomi blushed. Eager boy slave…
Van hesitated. Had his sanity taken a leave of absence? What the hell was wrong with him? He couldn't let Hitomi think he was a pervert, even if he was!
Sex
"I… I want…"
Sex
"I want your…"SEX
"Shut up brain!" Van muttered under his breath.
SEEEEEEEEEEEEEX
WITH HITOMI!
"La la la la la, I can't heeeeear you! *Pointy Swords, Pointy swords,*" he hummed. "*Sharp'n'pointy ob-jects, S-P-O, me like them ver-y much and…* Dammit! I can't even think of anything that rhymes!"
Hitomi couldn't hear what Van was saying or doing, but given the huge and unexpected declaration he had just given her, she guessed he was having second thoughts.
Can't let her think I'm a freak! he thought violently. Van turned, and said:
"I want your power!"
Hitomi's "power," of course, was her psychic power. The bottom of her stomach dropped out, stunned, staring numbly out into space somewhere around Van's weed-like hair. She didn't know what to think, which is probably a good thing, since if she had been in control of herself right at that moment she would have either beaten him to a bloody pulp, further soiling his absolutely nasty shirt, or done something horny like in all those girl comics she read on Earth.
I want your power. It echoed in Van's mind. Perfect! He began to unwind a long speech about how they would use his giant robot in combination with her powers to defeat all their enemies. Like some type of brutal Chainsaw Massacre couple. Van thought it was quite romantic, himself. Now Hitomi would certainly kiss him, they'd get married, have *cough cough*, and a few dozen children. A fairy tale ending.
Hitomi leapt up and smacked him. Not good enough for you, am I?! she thought angrily, storming out of the barn and down the relatively nice hill. She was going to go get some loving from a decent boy-toy, like Allen. (AN: Gag me.)
Van gingerly touched his bruised cheek. He felt cheated. Where was the fairy tale ending?
Where was the sex?
He sulked in the corner and then continued to file his sword, which was, size-wise, about equal to an atom.
Sex
"Shut up brain," said Van.
Sex
"I said shut up!"
Sexsexsexsexsexsexsexsex
HITOMI!
He stuffed his fingers in his ears. "S-P-O! S-P-O! Me like pointies…!"
Let me just remind you, for the record, Van ain't no Romeo.
Some love stories are meant to be. I'm not holding my breath for this one.
(AN: So, what do you guys think? Of course I love Escaflowne, but I also love making fun of it. And I also happen to think Hitomi and Van make a very sweet couple, but every time I see that episode I just crack up. I had to share the joy J. FLAMES WELCOME! Special thanks to Kaeryn for helping me write this!)