A/n: Written for Shareq because she made me my tumblr icon. Still not sure if I ship this. But it is inspired by the broadway karkat song of the same title. So yeah.

I am never, ever, ever, ever going to understand Dave fucking Strider. Well, I still don't really get humans period, but especially Dave. First he's an annoying stoic prick, and then the grubface completely rejects my absolutely reasonable suggestion for dealing with our mutual affections for Terezi, and then he gets into a fight with me and uses his knight powers to get me tangled in his cape and make me look like my thinkpan is filled with shit.

But the real shitty part is when he came up to me the next day and said, "Hey, kitty-kat, what's up?" Like we were fucking friends, as if I'd ever give into that human disease of the brain, even for such an undeniably attractive fuckass.

"What the fuck do you want, Strider?" I snarled.

"Hey, chill out man," He said, hands raised in a peaceful gesture. "I was just saying hi."

"Whatever. So how are things with Terezi?"

"Oh, that. Thought you said you were cool with it? Sorry, bro, but it's life. She said she didn't even think she was your girlfriend, so-"

"You asked her that?"

"Well yeah. I'm not that much of an asshole."

"No, why the hell would you do that?"

"You can't make moves on a girl in a relationship. It's not cool. But she wasn't so-"

I groaned. "Fucking- Dave, you have no appreciation for the subtleties of troll romance, do you?"

"What do you mean?"

"You don't just ask a troll out! But it's far too complicated for your puny, squishy brain to comprehend."

"Whatever." He ran a hand through his soft, fluffy hair, "It seemed to work pretty well."

"Fuck you, Strider."

"Okay."

"Wait, wha-"

"Not everyone's as closed-minded as John, you know."

"What the fuck, Dave? You just told me that you couldn't fucking handle a goddamn vacillation schedule."

"Yeah, well, that's because that was fucked up and presumptuous."

"And you saying you'd be my kismesis isn't?"

"Actually, Terezi suggested it as a way to keep us from trying to kill each other."

"You- you don't understand caliginous relationships at all, do you?"

"Well, you're not too good at hating either."

"You take that back!"

"Hmm… no."

"Jegus fuck, I hate you."

"That's the spirit."

"Strider, I swear to God I'm going to-"

"What? Get caught in my cape again?" He smirked. And, fuck, if that didn't send sparks down my spine.

"Okay, fuck. Dave, I don't wanna be your enemy either. But you have to stop being such a goddamn asshole."

"Sure."

"I believe you missed the point that you are physically incapable of being anything other than a goddamn asshole."

"Hey, man, I can at least try."

I huffed. "I hate you. So much."

"I hate you too."

"I meant platonically!" I insisted, looking away in case I started blushing.

"Sure, sure. Is this gonna be like with Terezi where you were, according to her, a 'fucking bulge-tease' for years and never saying anything?"

Oh, that was it. "I'll show you bulge teasing!"

And then, because past me is an idiot, I grabbed him by his stupid fucking cape and kissed him. He flailed for a moment, something for which I will always be proud, and then he shoved me off.

I was ready to be perfectly indignant and say I was doing it to prove a point, but then he started laughing.

"If I'd have known it was that easy to get into your pants-"

"Shut up and get back here!"

I tugged him back forward. I hesitated for a moment, making sure that I wasn't being too much of an asshole, but he just gave me another one of those stupid sexy smirks and kissed me again. Blackrom kisses are never the sweet, gentle pressing of lips that humans like to think of. They're fights, one more battle to dominate one's kismesis. Dave got that. It wasn't even that sexual. No mouths opened, no tongues lashed out, but it was a struggle nonetheless, changing head angles and postures. I am beyond fucking proud to say that I won that fight. I worked my angle and managed to shove him up against the wall. Then I moved my head to cut off his air until he pushed against my chest weakly, an obvious sign of surrender.

When I finally let him breathe he gasped for air.

"How do you like that, huh?"

"I'm starting to see the appeal." He squeezed my nose and I slapped his hand away.

But then he smiled and I couldn't help but return it.

"Hey, I'm going to be mixing some sick beats. You wanna come with?"

"Sure, there's nothing I'd love more than to hear your shitty excuse for music."

"Please, like you could do any better."

"I totally fucking can."

"Then you're on. Rap battle upstairs."

"Let's go, nook-sniffer."

He grabbed my hand a bit too tightly and I pressed my claws into his skin. I couldn't help but think it was the start of a perfectly hideous relationship.