This is my first attempt to write a story for this fandom. I have to thank my beta Gemenied for doing my best to eliminate my mistakes and I have to thank Julian Fellowes for creating this show. I don't own the characters of Mrs Hughes, Mr Carson or Mrs Patmore and I promise to return them unharmed :-)

Sinning by silence

Chapter 1

His Majesty's Valet

In Carson's eyes Edward Lane was the perfect servant. In all the years Mr Lane had been working at Downton the butler had never seen him fail, neither in his profession nor in his behaviour. There was no servant who could be a called a real gentleman, but as far as Charles Carson was concerned Edward Lane was the man who came closest to that term. He was a rare mix of gentleness, manners, humour, and style that had made him irreplaceable among the staff and also upstairs. When he left his position a decade ago, it wasn't easy to find a replacement that didn't disappoint too much. Before Mr Bates had arrived in Downton there had been two valets that had tried and failed to follow Mr Lanes' large footsteps.

Especially Carson had been sorry to see Lane leaving Downton, something he could never picture himself doing. Carson hoped to die in Downton, just to haunt it ever after. But Lane was different. He was meant for bigger things. When the Prince of Wales, the King's eldest son and heir had personally requested Lane to work for him, there was no way to turn that offer down. And so Lane had left Downton in 1909 to work for the Prince who would become King Georg V. only one year later.

It had made his Lordship proud to hear the news of Mr Lane's career, but that was nothing compared to what Carson had felt. Ever since Carson had returned to Downton after his disastrous years on the stage Mr Lane had been his mentor and guardian. Though he wasn't much older than Carson at that time, Lane had taken Charles under his wing and trained him. A very rewarding relationship that developed into a friendship that was based on trust and love for the estate.

Of course, the men had stayed in touch after Lane's departure, but as time and life went by, the letters came less frequently than they used to come. But Carson knew that was what naturally happened when paths divided. He also couldn't claim to feel lonely.

Carson had realized that, if asked today, he would probably say that his friendship with Mr Lane had been replaced by his relationship with Mrs Hughes. She had become his confidant, his rock in busy and in easier times. He saw her as his equal and depended on her, even if her tongue became sharper by the day and even if she challenged him in ways Lane never had had.

So, it wasn't surprising that Carson was pleased but not as overwhelmed as he would have been years ago, to receive a letter from Lane, in which he wrote that he was retiring and on his way back to Middlesbrough, where his family lived, and would stop in Ripon. He planned a visit to Downton and hoped to be welcomed as an old friend.

"Well, Mrs Hughes," Carson said in a joyful manner as he told her about the visit, when they enjoyed a glass of sherry in his pantry. "It's been some time since Mr Lane has been here. I wonder what he'll say about the changes around here."

"What changes?" Mrs Hughes asked, a bit short tempered. "As far as I see it nothing has really changed... aside from a few faces and the purchase of a toaster for breakfast."

"So, you aren't happy to see him again?" he asked, surprised. "As far as I can remember, you've always got along with him."

She blushed a bit and cleared her throat, before she answered.

"Well... that's not what I meant. It'll be... nice to see him. I just can't say it's that... important to me. So many people have come and left here..." Her voice trailed off.

"But not everybody became a valet to the King of England," he reminded her.

"Well, I guess you have a point there."

She emptied her glass quicker than she usually did. He noticed and was about to ask her, if something was troubling her, but the way her eyes were glittering, darker, somehow dangerous, told him to leave her alone. He knew how to read her different moods by now and it certainly didn't keep him from snapping at her, but tonight was a little different. She was different and inside him the nagging fear for her health returned. Sometimes it scared him how ever present his worry for her wellbeing was. He would never forget those dark days when he (and she for that matter) didn't know whether she was ill or not. It had almost killed him to realize that he could lose her to an unfair, horribly cruel disease called cancer.

"I think I'll call it a night, Mr Carson," Mrs Hughes rose and didn't even wait for his response. "Excuse me, but it was a long day."

"It truly was," he agreed, somehow saddened that she left him this early. The time he spent with her in the evening was his favourite part of the day. It was the time to ponder and to relax with someone who understood him, even when she disagreed with him.

"Sleep well," he said, but she couldn't hear that any more.

Back in her own room, Elsie locked herself in and rested her forehead against the door. This was the last thing she needed. Edward Lane back in Downton. Mr Carson may have believed his old friend just wanted to drop in and say hello, but Elsie knew better. She had a horrible hunch where this visit was leading, but she couldn't tell Mr Carson that. He wouldn't understand and rightly so, because there was nothing to understand. She couldn't even explain it to herself and over the years she had quite successfully repressed the wish to explore her own emotions when it came to both men.

When she had started working at Downton as head housemaid, Elsie had noticed that Mr Carson had worshipped the ground Mr Lane was walking on. Although being at Downton for quite a long time himself Carson looked up to Lane and still seemed eager to learn from him. Lane had been his role model and although there was nothing wrong with that, Elsie had never quite understood it. Maybe because she'd never seen Lane that way. Elsie had never worshipped anyone in her life, she had never looked for a role model or someone else to look up to. She was raised to rely on herself and she thought that was a good way to live.

Truth was she had always respected Mr Lane, had liked him... and she felt incredibly attracted to him. To her he was a man of flesh and blood and when they had met almost 20 years ago, she had realized for the first time in her life that love and desire were two different kind[s] of emotions that didn't necessarily mix.

Elsie wasn't a romantic person, she was practical and honest, and so it worried her deeply that by the time she succeeded the housekeeper of Downton she had fallen in love with Charles Carson, while she had found herself physically drawn to the man who was his best friend. She had never expected to love one man with all her heart while she felt physically attracted to another. It still seemed not very ladylike and even though she would never claim to be one, it made her feel guilty, especially because Mr Lane had returned her feelings and every time when they had been alone Lane had made sure she had noticed that he wished to be more to her than just a fellow co-worker.

And one evening, one lonely summer evening, when the other servants had gone out to a fair, it had happened. They were again alone (not by accident) and it just happened and there was no way to way to make it sound less condemnable or whorish. She hadn't pushed him away or pretended not to want it. She had been no better than Ethel or other maids who had fallen from grace, she had just chosen a better man to commit her sin. And a good man he was indeed. He was a kind and tender lover with whom she had shared her most sensual and mortifying memories.

Not that a busy household like Downton allowed them to be together on a regular basis. Their secret meetings were rare, bold, and passionate occasions that allowed them to relieve their need to share something dark and repressed with each other. Sometimes she felt guilty, because it was obvious how incredibly oblivious Mr Carson was to their affair. He had never known, had never suspected them, because it had never occurred to him that the people closest to him could commit such sins right underneath his observing nose. She was also convinced that he didn't even see her as a woman, a real woman with needs, desires, and wishes that went beyond serving and bowing.

There were days when he complained about the lack of (her) standards when she wanted to throw the truth right into his face, but every time she considered doing so, she found herself unable to phrase the words.

Of course, everything between them had ended when Lane left the estate to work for the Prince of Wales. She had never questioned him or his decision to move on from his current post. Even the lives of servants changed and when the two of them had parted, they had done so without any hard feelings. He had never written her a letter nor had she written him. If anyone had noticed they had kept contact, it could have roused unwanted questions.

Yet there had come a time in the last year when she had been ready to break that silent vow of understanding between them. Last year she had written to him. At night in her sitting room when she had faced the fear of dying and had had no one but Mrs Patmore to turn to, she had remembered him and his tenderness. As much of a friend as the cook had become, Mrs Patmore couldn't give her the kind of assurance and attention she had needed to survive the time until she knew if she was granted to live a few more years.

So she had lied to Mr Carson and the others who believed she had been visiting her sister while she had spent the weekend with Mr Lane in London – reviving their former physical relationship. If she had to die, she wanted to face it with the knowledge of having lived to the fullest. Looking back she had to admit it had been a pathetic, desperate move to run to him, to use him to rebuilt her self esteem, but the one night she had spent in his arms had given her the strength to go on while waiting for the test results.

And now she wasn't dead and Edward would return to Downton. The question was how she would feel while sitting with both men at the same table after so many years of separation.

~~tbc~~