As I continued to write more Jearmin fics, they just got more and more depressing with each one. I'm so sorry! I'm gonna try to write something more fluffy with them soon. But I'm still lacking ideas. I have an idea with alive!Marco x Jean x Armin, but that's another depress-fest, which I don't feel like writing quite yet.
Awww, if you don't feel up to reading a tragic Jearmin fic, please don't read this. As for WHY I wrote it, I'm not even sure. I wrote it maybe a month and a bit ago, so I don't remember what brought it on. I'm assuming I was down or something. Again, I'm so sorry for writing this. I'd tell you lovely readers to enjoy reading like I always do... but... yeah.
Pairing(s): Jean x Armin, slight Jean x Marco
WARNING: Blood, death, sad stuff. I won't be held responsible for breaking anybody's kokoro, so please don't read if you don't want to read about such things. D:
Disclaimer: I don't own SnK.
You must all think I'm a sadist already, but for those who want extra feels, personally I find that going to the Rainy Mood site while reading this really adds something to it for me. I was also listening to a piano piece called With the Rain (hence my title inspiration) while writing. You can find it on youtube. It's by Miika Mettianen. He makes a lot of lovely instrumental pieces.
With the Rain
The violent rainfall's volume was deafening as it plummeted to the ground below, drowning out each and every other noise that the lush, towering forest may have produced. Thunder cracked to the North, a low rumble lingering in the darkened skies as lightning lit the black clouds occasionally.
Armin Arlert's gushing tears had long since mixed with the rainwater as he ground his teeth together, his facial features twisting in agony. He watched with panicked eyes as the rainwater beneath him became stained with red.
His heart ached and his mind screamed. What was he supposed to do? He'd screamed and hollered and cried out for help until his throat felt raw, but the powerful rainfall had easily silenced him. He'd managed to cut strips of fabric from his scouting legion cloak with shaky hands in hopes to make a tourniquet from it. But blood continued to force it's way through, and the rainwater only sapped the crimson life force that much more quickly. There was no possible way for him to patch up such a horrendous wound without the necessary medical supplies. Even then..
Jean peered up at Armin weakly, his upper body propped against the blonde boy's lap. Armin's hands reached around Jean's body, clutching at the blood soaked rags that had once been apart of his travelling cloak and pressing down on Jean's abdomen.
Armin sobbed as he readjusted his hands, hoping that maybe doing so would save Jean more blood. He had to stop him from bleeding! He was completely drenched, and the rainwater was stealing any warmth that remained within his body. He felt so cold.
"Armin..." Jean spoke weakly, somehow mustering the strength to lift a hand to cup the blonde boy's face. Armin gasped at the touch, his tear-stricken blue eyes meeting Jean's tired gaze. "Armin, no more. Just stop."
Armin inhaled sharply after a few moments, tears, or perhaps rainwater – Jean couldn't tell which – dripped from the blonde's face and fell gently onto Jean's nose. His voice was thick as he spoke, cracking as a fear greater then anything else gripped at his heart, "But... you'll die."
"You need to get out of here," Jean closed his eyes for a moment, trying to keep calm despite the fact that his lips quivered. He didn't want to die... "I...I can't move. And it isn't safe on the ground like this. Go."
Armin shook his head back and fourth frantically, hardly even capable of keeping his eyes open at the force that his tears poured from him. He was barely keeping himself from falling apart completely. "No! I can't leave you! I won't let you die! I'm supposed to be a tactician, right!? I'll figure something out!"
Jean groaned, the excruciating pain in his stomach undeniable. As intelligent as Armin was, Jean knew that there was nothing the blonde could do for him. The only thing keeping his guts from spilling from his body was the pressure of Armin's hands. He wasn't going anywhere... And even if somebody from their group happened to stumble across them, there was nothing they would be able to do either. They wouldn't be able to move him, nor treat him.
"It's gonna be okay..." Jean tried to speak gently, but couldn't keep from sounding hoarse as his thumb began to make slow, soothing circles against the damp and flawless surface of Armin's cheek. He managed to force a soft smile as he continued to look up into the eyes that stared back at him from above. He hated seeing their depths so plagued with fear, anguish, and grieving tears. Those beautiful blue eyes... If those would be the last thing he'd ever see, then... maybe he was content with that.
Maybe...
"Just... wait. I-I'm thinking!" Armin stammered, his entire body trembling.
Hissing, Jean slowly removed his hand from Armin's face, letting it drift over to Armin's hands – which continued to tightly grasp at the ineffective tourniquet, his desperation unmistakable. Jean placed his palm over top of Armin's knuckles, prying them away from his gushing wound.
Armin's eyebrows twitched at that, and he cried out as confusion danced in his eyes, "W-what are you doing!? Stop!"
Perhaps Jean was weak from the blood loss he'd endured, but Armin's figure quaked so fiercely that it wasn't all too hard to push his hands away. Eventually, the bloodied rag slipped through his grip and Jean managed to direct Armin's trembling hands around his shoulders. Though before doing so, he'd brought the blonde's right hand to his lips as he placed a weak, tender kiss on Armin's knuckles.
"Jean..." Armin spoke in a whispery, horrified voice that would most likely have gone unheard if he hadn't leaned his head in so close that their foreheads basically touched. "What are you doing?"
The groggy brunette chuckled bitterly, wondering that himself. He really, really didn't want to go. Not like this. He didn't want to leave Armin... Not the way Marco had left him. He didn't want Armin to endure that deep sense of loss – that almost unbearable amount of grief. Jean searched for the hand that was draped around his shoulder, taking hold of it and lacing his and Armin's fingers together. "Could you..." his eyes fluttered a little bit. He wanted to close them, but how could he when Armin's face was so close to his? He was so beautiful... "...could you cradle my head?"
"What?" Armin swallowed thickly – swallowing tears– as he squeezed at the hand that Jean had took from him. He struggled to speak, sobs coming from his lips instead of words.
So that was it? Jean was going to die? He couldn't do anything to stop it?... This was the end? How was he supposed to accept that?
His breath becoming more ragged as he fought against worsening tears, Armin reluctantly cradled Jean's head and hugged it into his chest with his free hand and then squeezed even more securely at their intertwined fingers with his other. He remained hunched over, forcing his eyes shut as his fingers brushed through the hair at the nape of Jean's neck.
"I can't... I can't let you die," Armin whispered shakily. He was too scared to lift his head; too scared to watch as Jean's clothes became more drenched with blood as his life force continued to stream from his fatal wound.
Jean choked as his eyes began to sting with building tears of his own, though he prayed that Armin wouldn't be able to tell – not when his face was already plastered with rainwater. What was he supposed to say? His thoughts wouldn't even race for an option. He didn't want to think. He just wanted to close his eyes and sleep. But he couldn't do that... He couldn't leave Armin like this. The frustration and the fright that death brought on was crippling. He just wanted to cry – to plead for God or whoever to let him live. He didn't want to die.
'It's okay, Jean.'
What? Armin?
Jean's eyes searched Armin's face tiredly, though the blonde wasn't showing any signs of speaking. His eyes were still closed and his eyebrows furrowed downward as he struggled to keep himself together. Though he must have felt Jean's confused stare fixed upon him, because his eyes began to flutter open and he pulled back to gaze into the brunette's face. "Jean?" he sniffled, a hint of fear evident in his tone.
Armin had never said anything? Great. He couldn't help but wonder if maybe he was hallucinating now. He really was at death's doorstep... He wanted to panic, yet he didn't even feel up to that at this point. He was so tired.
"Jean!?" Armin's call of his name was much more urgent the second time around, and Jean could feel as the boy squeezed at his hand desperately.
Jean tried to focus on Armin's worried eyes, hoping to smile at him as he reassured him that everything was going to be okay, despite the fact that he knew it wouldn't be. Just as he lifted his free hand to shakily caress Armin's face, Jean's blurry eyes wandered – sensing another presence. The source of the voice from earlier, maybe? Had help come? Maybe there was nothing they could do for him, but at least they would take care of Armin.
'Are you afraid? Don't worry... I'll stay with you.'
Jean's slowing heart skipped a beat, and the tears that he'd somehow managed to hold back all this time silently began to run down his face. "M-Marco?"
No... It couldn't be. Marco was... he was...
Yet here the freckled boy was, standing over him as he smiled down at him softly.
Armin's blue eyes widened as he frantically searched Jean's distant face. His eyes were beginning to dull and his fingers began to loosen around his own. That, and he'd murmured Marco's name... The blonde swallowed thickly as his heart sank. It hurt to breathe. Maybe... maybe Jean was willing to die. Maybe he wanted to be with Marco. Did that make him selfish? Did it make him selfish that he wanted Jean to stay with him instead?
"Jean!" Armin cried, need in his tone as he cradled his head more desperately, running a thumb along the brunette's jaw line. He hunched over yet again and their noses touched. "Don't! Please! Please, don't leave me!"
Jean did his utmost to focus on the beautiful pair of blue eyes before him, but everything was becoming so blurry. "A-Armin," a slight smile flickered over Jean's lips, "...Marco's here."
The blonde bit his bottom lip, murmuring as his eyes began to ache from how many tears had built up within them, and how many more were threatening to be spilled. "...This is actually happening, isn't it? You're really going to die..." Armin's heart stopped at that last bit, and all the blood that ran through his veins turned cold.
"I...I'm sorry."
Armin shook his head silently, brushing their noses as he held in his sobs. The last thing he wanted Jean to do was apologize in his last moments. If this was to be the last moment they spent together, then Armin wanted to do his best to stay strong so that Jean could be at peace – as heartbreaking as it was. He couldn't make the dying boy feel anymore awful then he already had...
After several moments, Armin spoke shakily, his breath an icy haze as it left his mouth, "Don't apologize... Please... Just... let me stay here with you." His lip began to tremble more visibly then before as his need to cry intensified. "I'm not going anywhere." He gave another squeeze to Jean's weakened, frigid hand. He brought it to his mouth, brushing his lips against cold knuckles. He held it there against him, unwilling to let go while also hoping to raise his body temperature.
But Armin was well known for his sharp mind ; for being calculating ; and for his calm exterior in even the utmost of crisis. How could he deceive himself? He understood all too well that abdominal trauma led to astounding blood loss if certain abdominal organs were damaged. As much as he wanted to force himself to believe otherwise, Jean was most likely suffering exactly that considering the massive amounts of blood that stained both of their uniforms and hands, and the blood that had continued to pool underneath them. Warmth wouldn't ever return to his skin...
His teeth chattering and his tears subdued for now, Armin began to brush at Jean's hair, hushing him despite the fact that Armin had long since begun to spiral into a pit of hopelessness.
"Armin! Armin!"
The blonde's head snapped up from where it lay against Jean's forehead, his eyes searching the dense forest for the source of the familiar voice. Even when his voice was muffled due to the downpour, Armin could make out Eren's voice with ease.
"Eren!" Armin's hands refused to leave their spots on the motionless brunette, unable to let go. But he'd caught sight of Eren swinging toward them from the trees above with his 3D-Gear, landing next to them. His eyebrows were knitted together worriedly, "Armin, are you alright?"
He noticed the way Eren's facial features darkened as his distraught stare flickered to Jean for a brief moment.
Armin nodded his head vigorously, his barrier of strength shattering at the sudden arrival of his best friend. "Yes! Yes, I'm fine!" he gasped for breath, choking on his tears, "But you need to help Jean! Please, Eren! Please help him!"
"...Armin." The dark haired boy pressed his lips together tightly, bowing his head.
Armin knew that it was too late. He really did. It'd been too late since the moment Jean had been injured so gravely. But even so, all he could do was stare at Eren, unable – no opposed to processing the deeply heartbreaking truth. He could tell even then as Jean's hand remained limply within his own that Jean was already... he was...
Armin couldn't comprehend it.
"Eren..." his quaking voice was just barely audible through the sheer volume of the rain, "Help... Help...Help him."
Eren knelt next to him, placing a delicate hand on his shoulder. The look in his teal eyes made it evident that Eren's emotions were frenzied– that he was seconds from losing his composure. But he needed to ensure Armin's safety before anything else.
"Armin, I'm so sorry, but we have to go."
"But... I can't..." Armin looked away, his wide gaze unwilling to express their pain to the dark haired boy. Despite the unbearable pain in his chest, Armin's eyes found their way to Jean's corpse. He couldn't tear his eyes away, no matter how badly he wanted to. "We can't leave him."
Eren's grip tightened around Armin's shoulder and he tugged at him – pulling him up onto his feet and snatching his bloodied hands away from their fallen comrade. "Armin! Jean wouldn't want you to stay here! It's dangerous!"
Armin's hand felt so wrong without Jean's intertwined within it, however cold it'd been. For a few moments, it was as if he didn't even know what to do with it anymore. All he could do was simply stare at it until eventually he hugged his hands around his body – hoping that maybe they could hold him together as he felt that he may very well fall apart. "I should have died too!"
"Armin!" Eren snapped, not angry per se but hurt by the words more then anything. "Don't talk that way! How do you think that would make me feel!? And what about Mikasa? Jean, especially!? Don't fucking say such stupid things!"
"Eren..." was the only word that Armin mutely lipped, his eyes downcast and wide as if he were trapped in some sort of horrible daze. He most likely was. What was he supposed to do? He couldn't possibly leave Jean here alone like this. He hadn't even fully processed the fact that he was dead. He'd been dying yes, but only moments ago Jean had still been speaking to him ; trying to reassure him even though he was the one who'd been dying. Armin hadn't even told Jean that he loved him...
But he didn't want to hurt Eren or Mikasa either...
Before Armin could even come close to recollecting himself, Eren had suddenly scooped the blonde up into his arms, preparing his gear. It would be more dangerous travelling with a second person this way, but there was no way that Eren was going to wait around for Armin to be able to function on his own. He needed to get him away from there to safety as soon as possible. He wouldn't allow for the loss of anymore loved ones.
Armin understood Eren's intention the moment it happened, and immediately he began to thrash in his hold – his eyes desperately searching for where he knew Jean lay, motionless. But he couldn't see past Eren's frame, which only made him panic further. "No! Eren! Stop! I can't leave him! Put me down! Stop it! Stop it! No! No! No! No! No!"
He needed to see him again! To at least be allowed a goodbye!
But Armin could feel every step that Eren took vibrate through his body – and with each step he was growing farther and farther away... His mind reeled, and he did all he possibly could to try and escape Eren's firm hold on him. He'd tried to pry his way over Eren's shoulder – eager eyes trying to see if Jean was still in sight. Until finally, once they flew through the air and the rainwater struck their faces, Armin lost all will and simply sagged into Eren's arms. He knew by this point that Jean was long behind them. That he was all alone, even after he'd promised to stay with him.
All Armin could do was bury his face into Eren's jacket, succumbing to the agonizing hole in his chest as his tears streamed from his eyes uncontrollably and his screams were swallowed by the merciless storm.
Ummm... what to even say? *hands readers tissues* Please don't hate me. Ugh... and I'd love it if anybody wanted to review to let me know what they thought. I'll try to write something fluffy to make up for this. Thanks for reading!