A/N: Ayup, I still live. Sorry folks! Busier than ever it seems. Guys, please remember that this is CRACK, don't take it too seriously. It's meant to be bad and OOC.

"The only additive I can detect is a sweetener," Ratchet looked up as he administered yet another energon flush through Optimus' medical line, "Trust me, I've checked."

"Ratchet made me drink your leftovers." Ironhide grumbled, shrugging his massive shoulders, "And I've got no urge to make little sparklings, much less bear them."

Ratchet looked a bit annoyed, even offended by that remark but chose to ignore his mate. He adjusted the flow rate of the energon flush, motioning for Optimus to sit up on the berth.

"Well then, I guess it's safe to assume that Megatron was simply playing with your vulnerability again. He was, as the humans say it, fucking around with you. Though the two of you did make quite a mess on that meeting."

The Prime's faceplates remained pale. He crossed his arms against his chassis, as if to shield his spark anyways.

"Ay, for Primus' sake Optimus, how much longer are you going to endure this?" Ironhide said, "Ain't like ya to just let all this fragging slide."

Optimus scooted off the med berth, stood up,and with a heavy sigh stared at the copy of the peace treaty Megatron demanded be plastered in every office and med room.

"I figured he was lying once he left me in the room, laughing his vocalizer to static," The Prime said dryly, "It seems as if he must constantly lie in order to survive. And due to that treaty I must endure his tricks as well."

"You've always endured his tricks," Ratchet noted, "Except now that you're going to be tied at the spark he can irritate you more conveniently,"

"Is there a way for you to get out of it?"

"No, the treaty is signed."

Ironhide's faceplates fell.

"Then we're stuck. And you'll be forever tied to his whims." Ratchet shook his helm, "What are we to do?"

"Nothing. Except to trust me." Optimus said, optics narrowing at the copy of the treaty, "I believe there is a way for me to return his...favor."

"By getting your weapons back?"

The prime shook his helm.

"I will fight him," Optimus said, "But on a different field and by different means. If he wishes to humiliate me by using human customs then I will oblige. What I need is a bit more time for the marriage contract to be finalized."

Ironhide grumbled, lip plates twisted into a frown.

"Humans have contracts for bonding?"

"Humans have contracts for everything," Ratchet replied,"They appear to be a very legalistic species that suffer from issues of trust even from within their own factions. And apparently, their own mates."

"Savages." Ironhide said even while his canons hummed.

"With ridiculous traditions. I can't even believe the Decepticons, of all things, would be so invested in planning that ceremony. And did you see how those two seekers were slapping each other over the color samples?" Ratchet scoffed, "And of course it's going to be Autobot red, not that atrocious shade of purple-"

"No." Optimus stood up, slipping the medical line off himself, "It will be purple."

Ratchet's jaw fell down, swinging from it's joints. Hide lifted it back into place.

"Optimus you can't be serious-"

"I am," The Prime replied, "And I will beat Megatron in the way he choose. If he wants to embarrass us by upholding human customs than I will engage and inflict likewise unto him."

To their shock the Prime took a bottle of high grade and waltzed out of the med room with the lightest step they'd seen in centuries.

"It's this planet isn't?" Ratchet sighed, "The mental instability of its inhabitants must be contagious."

"Ya think Prime knows what he's doing?"

The medic shrugged and slug a wrench into the medical table.

"I don't know. But I think we're going to be in for a show. A very messy, fussy, show."

Thundercracker, Skywarp, and Shockwave stared at Optimus without a flinch.

"Did you hear me?" The Prime said, his voice gentle and full of concern, "I asked for you to take a short break from all this planning. Here-"

Optimus poured the highgrade into several glasses, offering them to the stunned mechs.

"Have a little drink with me."

Skywarp was the first to accept the drink. Even then he held it against the light and swirled it around.

"There's no need for that," Optimus laughed, "You are now also my mechs, just as much as you were Megatron's. The treaty states so. I never bring harm to my own."

"Lord Megatron never gave us high grade like this-"

"Lord Megatron never gave us breaks-"

"Well then I intend to change that," Optimus said, pulling up a seat for each one, "It's the duty of the higher ranks to attend to the health and well-being of those who follow his orders. The three of you have worked unceasingly for this ceremony. I apologize if I neglected to show my gratitude."

"Shockwave, what is gratitude?" Skywarp mumbled embarrassingly.

"If I may answer, Shockwave," Optimus smiled, "It means to be thankful for what you have."

"What is thankful?"

"Shut up. You're making us look bad!" Thundercracker snapped. Skywarp winced.

"There's nothing wrong with asking. I was very inquisitive myself. I still am. It's a very admirable trait to have."

Skywarp's faceplates quivered, ripples going up the corners of his lip plates.

"I admit, I've never seen you smile before," Optimus said, "Though we never really had the proper interaction for one before."

Skywarp continued to smile awkwardly before averting his optics. Thundercracker shifted his wings restlessly. Shockwave fumbled the color swatches he was previously organizing.

"And I agree with your choice Shockwave," Optimus pulled a rich, purple swatch from the stunned Con's servo, "This should be the main color for the event. A rich and vibrant shade. Megatron was wise to assign the preparations to you. Your discerning and analytical mind was always something I've admired. And I'm glad to know that due to this treaty I can fully appreciate it."

Shockwave stood even taller than he already was, his chest puffing out a little, his one optic bright.

"And I'm sure you and Prowl would work marvels together."

The scientist's shoulders fell as if someone just dumped two screaming sparklings on them.

"Shockwave? Are you alright?" Prime asked, "Do you have any objections?"

"I-" Shockwave glance hopped between the Prime, the high grade and the seekers for an uncomfortable amount of time.

"Shockwave?"

"I-I have no objections. Working with this-Prowl should be a very enlightening experience."

"I'm very pleased to hear that," Optimus clapped his servos together, "I look forward to seeing your selections for the traditional bonding attire first thing tomorrow morning."

"Rest assured," Shockwave nodded and made a note of which swatch Optimus chose for the theme, "I will have a wide selection ready for your convenience."

"And we'll help him!" Skywarp piped up, "Uh...if you um...permit."

"Of course I would," Optimus said kindly, "Do I have any reason not to?"

"The fact that they are Thundercracker and Skywarp should be reason enough,"

The three cons shrunk back as their leader stepped into the room, eying their decorations with a critical optic.

"My Lord we were just-"

"My love!" Optimus smiled so brilliantly that Megatron took two steps back, "I was just going over these swatches with them. You'd love the one I choose, I'm certain of it my sweetspark."

"Thundercracker, wha-what is going on?" Skywarp mumbled, tugging at Thundercracker's arm as Optimus ran and threw his arms around Megatron's neck in a dramatic show of affection.

"Maybe we're dead. Maybe this is the Pit." Thundercracker mumbled back.

"Quick, shoot me, maybe I'll wake up."

"It doesn't work that way you idiots," Shockwave said, "Now shut up."

Thundercracker lifted a servo to cover Skywarp's optics as Optimus Prime, leader of the Autobots, embraced Megatron with enough force to nearly dent.

"Oh my love! I can't wait to see the gowns they've selected." Optimus kissed him hard on the cheek, pushing against his faceplate with so much force Megatron feared his helm would snap right off his shoulders.

"Oh how I've missed you so! Come my Lord, let us walk and discuss our future plans. I want sparklings of course. An even number!"

The Prime quickly looped his arm around Megatron, leading him away from the baffled mechs gawking at them. Shockwave's glass fell as they walked by, the high grade spilling silently on the seeker's peds.

"Is this your doing?" Megatron demanded, his optics furious, "Tell me now Shockwave!"

"No sir. No. I-I've done nothing,"

"No chip implanted? A program redesigned? Speak truthfully!"

Megatron's cannon rapidly heated the air as he rose it high, aiming straight for Shockwave's optic.

"I never realized you had such humor my love!" Optimus said, guiding Megatron's arm away from the shaking mech, "To think that you could only be loved by force or manipulation."

The comment took Megatron aback, his cannon sizzling out as Shockwave yelped and pushed the seekers in front of him.

"That's enough my Lord," Optimus said, tugging Megatron's arm and pulling him towards the door, "Come now my love, we have much to discuss."

The Prime quickly motioned for the seekers to lead a frazzled Shockwave away. The seekers immediately obeyed, the much larger Con whimpering as they scooted him away.

Megatron scowled as the Autobot's grip on his arm tightened, dragging him into the main hall of the base.

"What is fragging wrong with you?" Megatron tried pulling away. In response, Optimus fawned over him all the more. The red and blue bot made a grand show of wiping the non-existent coolant from the silver helm, sighing so loudly that the bots in the corridor craned their necks to watch.

"But my Lord, isn't this what you wanted? What you implied from the terms? Tradition am I right?," Optimus pouted. Megatron cringed.

"Is it not traditional for the bride to be infuriating happy? "The Prime smiled and pinched the warlord's cheeks, "Chirpy?"

Megatron actually hissed in pain as Optimus pinched his faceplate tighter, the passive aggression heated with each squeeze.

"A bubbly, blushing, blooming bride?"

Megatron growled and swatted the Prime's servos away. Optimus' shoulders hunched, his face contorted into a mocking frown.

"I didn't want to play these games," Optimus whispered, "But now that I've seen just how deeply I can get beneath that thick hide of yours, I think I can easily play. And you, my love, will lose in every agonizing step until those vows are said and the license is signed."

"I liked you better you were fighting me," Megatron replied, tenderly rubbing the spot where Optimus all but tore his face, "Frag, I liked you better when you were trying to kill me."

"Is that so?" Optimus' blue optics dimmed, "Then maybe you shouldn't have proposed...the treaty that is."

The Prime playfully slapped Megatron's face again, beaming at the wince of pain his rival couldn't keep back.

"Your move my Lord. I look forward to it."

TBC