Po, the Harem Master

Epilogue: A Shady Deal

by Neoraichu

Po X Various. The story returns to the beginning of the Kung Fu Panda Movies and Legends of Awesomeness, and asked the question, "what if this was written like a Harem Anime?"

This part takes place about a year after Chapter 27. By then, Po had married Tigress, Viper, Scorpion, and Fenghuang. Tigress was already about 6 months into her first pregnancy.

WARNING: This is a strange tale, so READ AT YOUR OWN RISK.

…

Po looked as Tigress slept next to him. Her motherly glow and her swollen belly just seem to make her look at the more beautiful to him. The two pair of teats were just filling with milk to make them stand out from her belly. They would be engorged with milk in a matter of weeks, and she would need to start milking herself just to relieve the pressure.

There was a gentle knock at the door.

"Yes?" asked Po.

"I'm sorry to bother you and your wife," said Shifu, "but I need a very important delivery made. One that cannot be just turned over to any ordinary messenger."

"Just give me a few minutes to dress and slip out," he said, "You know how grumpy Tigress can be if she doesn't get at least 8 hours of sleep a night."

"Of course," said Shifu, "I'll wait here."

"Honey," moaned Tigress half asleep, "Stop stealing the covers..."

He seemed to calm her back to sleep by tucking her in nicely. Slipping open the door, he said, "So when should I go?"

"As soon as I give you this," said Shifu as he handed Po a scroll case made of ivory, "I wouldn't normally bother you with such a trivial delivery, but with recent attacks by Croc bandits, I can not take a chance that a scroll as valuable as this could fall into their scaly hands."

"Say no more, Master Shifu," he said, "I am totally all over this!"

"Weren't you the one who didn't want to wake Tigress?"

"Oh, so sorry," he said quietly.

"I'm not the one you'd have to spend the rest of the day apologizing to."

"Of course."

"Now the trip should take less then 3 days, so supply yourself appropriately. They should have plenty with which to replenish your supplies on the return trip."

Holding the scroll, Po bowed to his Master, now that Oogway had become one with the universe weeks earlier. He could still remember how poor Viper cried her eyes out for 2 days where no one could relieve her suffering. Not even Tigress.

Po then set out to gather his traveling supplies of food and mild rice wine. He got a pack to stuff it all in along with a few other things he might need, like a little dry firewood, a little tinder, and flint to strike sparks with. There was also a blanket to lay on the ground at night, and a couple of candles in case he had to travel in the dark for some reason. With the scroll case hidden at the bottom, he also would not look suspicious. He also took a staff along, as it was considered as much a tool for walking long distances as it was a weapon. Lastly, he wore his wok-shaped bamboo hat that he was so fond of.

Then he trekked down the Palace steps, into the Village, and then the bamboo forest beyond. The first day and night of travel were almost too easy, but the next day, there was trouble. And it wasn't Po's fault this time. He came upon a clearing where he saw a circle of Croc bandits surrounding someone he couldn't quite see clearly, but there was at most two of them and they were clearly outnumbered by the crocs.

"Darn it!" called one of the Croc bandits, "There's one of them, and like ALL of YOU, and you still can not take them down?! This is getting to be so embarrassing! Heck, they won't even speak to us! How rude is that?!"

He set down his pack and said, "Hey Crocs! Why don't you pick on someone your own size?!"

"Hey look," said the apparently head bandit, "He's got a backpack! There's gotta be something worth taking from there! Forget the nonspeaking wimp! Attack that panda!"

There was at least 8 Croc bandits swinging an ax in each hand as they rushed to attack him. He lifted the staff crosswise in a two handed grip, and waited for them to strike. The bandit who was faster than the others soon regretted it as Po disarmed him with a strike from one side of the staff, and then clocked him in the side of the head with the other.

The next to tried to attack him together, but just made it easy for him to use his staff to clothesline the startled Crocs and send them falling back on their butts. Now that three attacks were repulsed, they were soon getting in the way of those moving up behind them.

But then he noticed that the smarter of the bandits were trying to flank him on either side to they could go right after the backpack. While the scroll was hidden at the bottom, he couldn't risk them dumping out everything and just finding it. So he did a backflip into a cartwheel that took him right back to his pack, and just in time to let two more crocs just run into the ends of his staff.

"Look pal!" he shouted at the crocs, "I don't know about you, but is a little imported bean paste really worth all this pain for?!"

"Then why are you fighting so hard to protect it?!"

"It's a gift to my adopted grandmother! It has more value than just coinage!"

The croc thought about it, and said "Forget them! There just has to be some easier prey around here somewhere!"

Po smirked as they fled, little knowing that they had left a treasure behind. Then he went over to the figure laying on the ground where they were being attacked. It was a Clouded Leopard, and a fairly young one at that. He looked the leopard over, noticed that there was little more than a few bruises and a shallow bleeding cut on the right leg, and said "As much as I want to help you, I'm just too busy. You look like you can walk. I think you can get home without me."

The leopard stood and staggered as they put weight on the bleeding leg. But when he turned to leave, the leopard lunged and grabbed his arm.

"Darn it!" he said, "I don't have..." But when he saw the leopard's face and the tears streaming freely down their cheeks, he sighed, "Fine! You'll have to share my back with the backpack!" He stooped as the leopard climbed on half his back and put their arms about his neck. "If you can't talk, then you'll just have to point the way." The leopard pointed.

They came to a narrow gorge, which was certainly passable judging by the traffic patterns he could see, and began walking through when the leopard on his back began to make blowing gestures with their mouth.

"What?" asked Po, "You can't breathe? You want me to go faster? Uh... I don't know what..."

There was now frantic hand waving.

"There's a wind coming?"

The leopard nodded.

"A large and dangerous wind?"

The leopard nodded much faster. Po backed into a crevice just as the Howling Winds struck. He just used one arm to shield his face as the winds tore through, but his bulk was just too great for the winds to actually affect him. It was just the leopard youth and the backpack that worried him.

Once the Howling Winds had passed, they made their way into another small valley. It was rather lush and green, like the Valley of Peace. Then a palisade wall and a village inside it came into view. Another leopard seemed to notice them approaching, and ran out to meet them as she screamed, "VOICELESS?! ARE YOU ALL RIGHT!"

"Voiceless?" asked Po, "That does explain things..."

The leopardess ran up and Voiceless was happy to drop into her arms.

"Hey, slight bruise on the leg there," said Po, "She might need help walking back. Now as much as..."

"YOU MUST STAY FOR DINNER!"

"No, really, I don't have the time..."

"You can't possibly leave without receiving the gratitude of the Ladies of the Shade!"

Voiceless clutched Po's arm, beginning him to stay with their eyes.

"Now Voiceless," scolded the leopardess, "Get on my back like a good girl and I'll carry you the rest of the way home." Voiceless scrabbled onto her back.

"I didn't catch your name," he said.

"Oh me?" she asked, "My name is Song. Pleased to meet you."

"So why is little Voiceless... voiceless?"

"When she was a child, her neck was pierced by a Croc spear. While she survived well enough, she was never able to speak again from that day forward."

Po touched Voiceless' arm as he said, "The gods shouldn't allow such things to happen."

Voiceless smiled.

"Oh dear," said Song, "I think little Voiceless has a crush on you!" She then saw the large blush in her cheeks, and said, "Oh, have I said too much about that?"

Even thought Po wanted to leave, he followed the two back into the Village.

"LOOK EVERYONE!" shouted Song, "VOICELESS IS BACK, AND SHE WAS SAVED BY SOME BIG STRONG WARRIOR!"

A number of women (who all oddly dressed the same) all came out with fancy red umbrellas over their shoulders, even though there was no sign of rain anywhere. One came forward and said, "Greetings. My name is Su, and I just wanted to thank you for saving Voiceless like you did."

"Say," he said, "I don't mean to pry, but why was she so far out in the bamboo forest all alone?"

"It's our fault for not curbing her wanderlust. With no men around, the children can get a little out of hand at times."

"No men?"

"For some reason, not one of them wants to stay around after they knock up one of my Ladies. But enough of that, we need to show you our gratitude. We're performers, and we'd love to show you our stuff while we feed you."

"I'm really in a hurry..."

"Oh, I promise this won't take more than a couple of hours, tops. Isn't that worth seeing free food and all of our gratitude."

"I guess so," muttered Po, although he wasn't quite buying the wanderlust story. So he was given a place to sit while he set his backpack beside him, and they gave him wonderful fruity drinks while they prepared the meal and the dance.

As promised, he was well fed, had plenty to drink and was truly amazed by their umbrella dancing. And almost as quickly, he was shooed out the gates to go on his way. After walking about a hundred paces, he stopped to check his pack... THE SCROLL CASE WAS GONE! In its place, there was a note which read 'I cannot live as a common thief any more, but all of my sisters and elders think that's the only way to live. Please take me with you. Love, Voiceless.'

He took the note and stuffed it back at the bottom of the pack as he put it back on and stomped back to the Village gates.

"I thought you were in a hurry," said Su, "back so soon?"

"YOU KNOW WHY I'M BACK," he snarled, "GIVE ME BACK THAT SCROLL CASE ONE OF YOU STOLE FROM ME!"

"I don't know what ever you're talking about," said Su, "So I'm asking you to leave her peacefully."

"Not a chance sister!" he replied, "Not without that scroll case!"

"He obviously hostile ladies!" announced Su, "DEFEND YOURSELVES AND THE VILLAGE!"

He was taken aback when the umbrellas opened, a ring of blades popped out from the edge, and then started shooting darts of some sort at him. Using his hat as a shield, he deflected all of the shots aimed at him. He used the staff to make a series of sweeping attacks as their legs, but they all just jumped gracefully over his attacks.

But when he glanced over his shoulder, he saw the Voiceless was out in the bushes, and she was waving around the scroll case. He turned to the Ladies and said, "DRAGON SHOUT!" He voice boomed like that of a roaring dragon, and the volume if not the force of the shout knocked all of the attacking Ladies onto their backsides.

When they were getting back to their feet, he ran out to meet Voiceless, and then raced back to the gorge. "Look Voiceless," he said, "Why bother to take the scroll case and then leave a note saying you wanted to leave?"

"Because she didn't steal your scroll case," said Song as she emerged from behind a tree, "I STOLE IT. Voiceless must have left that note after I took it, or I would have stolen that note as well."

"Why?!" he asked.

"Because Voiceless is one of us," said Song, "or I used to think that way. She's been trying to run away from us for weeks now, and now I can understand why she feels so. I want to run away with Voiceless as well."

"Well," said Po as he saw a mob of Ladies giving chase, "No one leaves if they catch up! RUN!" They all ran into the gorge. The three of them ran until Po grabbed their arms.

"What's wrong?" asked Song she said as she looked back. The mob was almost on top of them.

"Close your umbrella!" he snapped, "NOW!"

The panda used his arms and mass to force them both to the ground as the Howling Winds struck. The pursuing mob, with their umbrellas open for battle, where easily blown into the air and hundreds of yards back.

"Now run!" he said as he stood up, "We've got a big lead on them now!"

...

And thus did Po lead Song and Voiceless away from the Ladies of the Shade, and away from their life of petty crime to survive. The scroll was delivered on time (barely), and when he returned to the Jade Palace, he talked Master Shifu into letting two more students into the Jade Palace.

Song became a co-wife and concubine after Shining Eagle, although their mating attempts never produced a child by them. Voiceless treated Po like a father, and in time, Po found a perfectly suitable traveling Kung Fu Master to marry her as well.

And the spirit of Song is transferred across the universe to a new Defender. And the power of evil is contained for another generation. And a new Leopard is born to protect the next.

*COUGH! HACK! COUGH!* Oh sorry about the little slip up there... as you were.

[~fin epilogue~]