A little oneshot that's been sitting in my docs for awhile. Based on the questionable origins of the No Nail Oath (given everything that we know about it so far). I imagine it was a crazy funny conversation.
Newgirl78 was super fantastic for looking this over for me, and reminding me frequently that I should actually post this one, no matter how short.
Could be a stand alone lead-in to another story that I've got cooking. We'll see! :)
"She's out of your league, my disheveled friend."
Nick jolted from his spot at the counter; his suspicious gaze meeting that of his longtime roommate. It was entirely too early in the morning for this. Schmidt slid in beside him, taking a slow sip of water, waiting for an answer. This annoyed Nick in a way that he couldn't exactly explain. Schmidt was always downgrading him, but somehow, this felt different.
Hell, it was just annoying.
"What are you talking about, Schmidt?" Nick glanced sideways, carefully shutting his notebook. All he'd done this morning was walk out of his bedroom, and flip open his idea notebook for a little brainstorming. It was sometimes amazing how Schmidt could drain all of that willpower out of him.
Schmidt didn't hesitate in his response.
"Our new roommate. She moves in this afternoon."
Nick smiled despite himself. "Obviously."
Schmidt sighed loudly.
"This may come as a surprise to you, Nicholas," he said reproachfully, "but she is a woman with an actual job and sees this arrangement as only temporary. In fact, her sights would most likely be set to someone of more quality standards, but I refuse to spread my seed upon such innocence..."
"Jar!" Nick cut in. Schmidt shook his head and went off to find his wallet, grumbling some quote about the truth being free that Nick didn't quite understand. He then raised his voice, just to make sure Schmidt heard. "And why can't I look forward to having someone who can also cook and clean around here?"
There probably was some fact in what Schmidt was saying – despite the quirks that shone through his first impression of her, Nick recognized that Jessica Day was apparently a pretty normal twenty-something woman just testing what life had to offer. She was gainfully employed, an elusive loft title that used to belong solely to Schmidt. Coach spent most of his time at "work," though it was hard for them to ever decipher if he was working or just using the equipment at the gym.
And Schmidt was right – she was completely out of Nick's league. But it wasn't like had been daydreaming about her. He was allowed to notice when a woman looked nice, was he not?
Schmidt interrupted Nick's thoughts, this time by shoving a five-dollar bill into the jar.
"The look on your face implies that you're thinking thoughts that are too pleasant, considering the matter I just lectured you on!"
"Just shut up, Schmidt," Nick replied. "Do you honestly think I'd go after my roommate? You can't tell me that you at least didn't notice that she's…" he paused, unsure how to carefully phrase his reasoning. "…uh… not… unattractive."
"Of course I noticed!" Schmidt argued. "But I don't have a ludicrous grin on my face at the mere thought of our new roommate!"
Nick was suddenly very aware of the slight tug at the corners of his mouth.
"Furthermore," Schmidt continued dramatically, "I would not have put us in this situation if we – excuse me, better correct that, my roommates – weren't having trouble keeping up with the rent!"
A door closed form down the hall. Coach appeared, just back from his morning run.
"What's that about your roommates?" Coach asked, helping himself to the fridge and pouring himself a glass of juice.
"Nick has a thing for a certain Jessica Day," Schmidt answered. Coach raised an eyebrow. Nick groaned.
"It's seriously not like that. I've known her for all of ten minutes!"
Coach shrugged, unfazed. "Schmidt, man, I understand that you may feel threatened that another human with high amounts of estrogen will be moving in, but I assure you, you'll still be my favorite."
With that, Coach patted Schmidt on the shoulder.
Nick burst out laughing, and although Coach had kept a straight face while he was talking, he eventually succumbed to laughter, too.
Schmidt narrowed his eyes. "Having an affinity for personal hygiene is not a crime. Nor does it have any correlation to estrogen levels. But hey, I've slept with more women this month than you two have even dreamed - "
"JAR!" Coach and Nick said in unison. Schmidt obliged.
"Look," Nick began after another five had been deposited into the jar, "I'm don't know what you want me to say. She's attractive, and I'm a guy who noticed."
"I want you to assure me there will be no funny business." Schmidt replied.
"Wait…" Coach began. "Are you saying that someone like her would willingly sleep with Nick? Our Nick?"
It was now Schmidt's turn to laugh at Nick's expense.
"Thanks, Coach," Nick grumbled.
"All I'm saying," Schmidt replied, "is that lust fuels competition."
"Whoa, I'm out," Coach began to get up, clearly disturbed by this revelation. Nick put his head in his hands. How had this gotten so out of control?
"Sit down!" Schmidt commanded. Coach rolled his eyes. "I suggest we make an agreement to abstain from her in any physical way."
"Whatever it takes," Nick said through partially gritted teeth, "to get you to shut up."
"So… what do we do if we violate it?" Coach said cautiously, clearly thinking on a level that Nick did not want to discuss. He tried to tell himself that, if anyone, Schmidt was the one to worry about.
"Excellent question!" Schmidt replied. "The jar seems so… trivial for this matter. Something major…"
"Moving out?" Nick suggested, only partially joking after the conversation he just witnessed.
"I am not going through the internet to find a new roommate again!" Schmidt defended.
"Who says you'll be the one staying behind?" Nick said under his breath, yet loud enough to get a chuckle out of Coach.
Schmidt seemed unfazed. "We'd all have to somehow be even again…" he mused.
"I don't like where this is going." Coach stated.
"…Aha!" Schmidt stood up. "Men of Apartment 4D, I move that we amend our agreement to include a No Nail Oath, under which ensures equal opportunity and promises to restore balance of this apartment in the case that one of us," he looked straight at Nick, "breaks it."
Nick scratched his head. "…and this would include…?"
"All physical encounters, aka nailing," Schmidt was already scribbling away at his draft, "must be repeated by all parties in the apartment."
Nick sighed loudly. Coach's eyes widened.
"You're really suggesting," Coach began, "that if Nick sleeps with her, we all have to?"
"Why am I being singled out?" Nick argued. "As of this morning, we are all single."
"A chain is only as strong as it's weakest link," Schmidt replied easily, leaving Nick wondering if he had just been insulted. "And yes, Coach, that's my suggestion."
"Fine." Nick said suddenly. "Whatever, I'll sign it, just shut up about this already. I admitted that I noticed that she's pretty, I never said anything else, and I'll do whatever it takes to get on with my morning!"
"Perfect!" Schmidt replied, grabbing his phone and running to type the suggested amendment up. Coach chuckled at his enthusiasm, then gave Nick a sympathetic look.
"You gonna be alright, man?"
"Yeah," Nick replied, the feeling of defeat not unfamiliar to him. "It's really not that big of a deal."
Coach seemed to take that, so he left Nick to his forgotten notebook. Slowly, as not to attract anymore attention from his roommates, Nick peeled open the cover and stared half-heartedly at his ramblings. Nothing would really ever come to light from them. He really didn't know why he bothered with it.
That alone should've been enough for Schmidt to realize that nothing could ever happen between him and the new girl.
Nick hadn't even have thought that far into it. From what he knew, Jess wasn't the girl he could see himself with, and he most certainly wasn't the guy for her.
It just really irked him that Schmidt had just assumed that Nick would be the first to go for her. Yeah, she seemed to be okay with him, and while he took that as a good sign, ten minutes of talking to her wasn't exactly grounds for even a crush.
How could he put a name on something that wasn't even there?
And, Nick thought grimly, thanks to the oath, probably never will.