Alone.

There is no one here with me.

It's lonely.

So lonely.

I'm talking, I'm speaking-

But no one listens.

No one hears.

Saddling up for a mission would be described as cumbersome by most. Putting on a skin-tight undersuit and donning the various pieces of body armour was a process that often required at least twenty minutes even to the experienced veteran. Prepping one's kinetic barriers and double-checking gear ate up another fifteen minutes. Then by the time a soldier finally received the green light from their superiors to go ahead with the mission, it would have been well over an hour.

For Garrus, it was all elementary.

Slipping on his greaves and buckling them in, Garrus marveled at the vast difference between the person he was today and the person he once imagined he would be. As a child, he had aspired to be just like his father – even to the point of wanting to become him completely. He was obsessed with the idea of the ideal turian, drilled into him by his military-proud father. Fighting with honour and pride, dying for the cause, sacrificing all for the greater good–he was to become the perfect turian soldier.

But as all things in Garrus's life, things rarely ever went according to plan. Upon joining C-Sec, he encountered the one, unbreakable wall every adolescent would run face-first into at some point of their life - reality. In reality, things were rarely so clean. In reality, the greater good comes at the cost of an even greater price. In reality, the only real choice was only ever between two evils and the real decision lay in not making the right choice, but the lesser evil one. In reality, the higher-ups bound you up so tight with rules and policies and other status quo bullshit that you couldn't scratch your nose without your boss's boss knowing, much less break their ever-precious regulations in favour of helping those in need.

It sickened him, knowing that he was so close and capable of doing his part to deal out justice but to be denied because his seniors wanted to play political tea party. Not that he let it stop him from doing what he thought was right when it was right, which got him into plenty of trouble - both with his C-Sec superiors and his father. One was disappointed in his inability to stick to the rules while the other was disappointed in a son's rebellious attitude. The apple had fallen far from the tree indeed, as the humans liked to say.

He still remembered arguing with Pallin as the executor adamantly refused to allow him to investigate Saren further, refusing to allow justice be served to a rogue Spectre who had destroyed an entire human colony and deceived the Council – a traitor to the cause. Garrus was certain beyond all doubt that he was guilty, he just needed to have the evidence in his hands! But Pallin was just going to wipe his hands clean and walk away and let these wrongs go unpunished. Garrus was angry, desperate, tired – and that was who he was when he first met Shepard.

How could he have known that the human would turn his life around so much? By a slip of fate, the course of his life that had been leading him to a crash-landing was dramatically altered the moment Shepard accepted him into her crew. In a few years, he had changed from a righteous, jaded officer to a soldier, protector, hero, vigilante, leader and even lover–

If anyone had told him when he was a springing, young recruit at C-Sec that he would one day be a member of one of the Council's most elite recon scouting groups, he would have said they were crazy. After all, Spectres answered to no one but the Council itself and had powers and privileges at their disposal that superseded any authority in Council space. The mere idea of him having such power at his fingertips was crazy. But then again, 'crazy' described Shepard pretty well.

Like wet clay in the hands of a sculptor, Shepard had reshaped him into who he was. She had extended her hand with an offer of salvation, a promise to change the galaxy for the better together. And he had taken her hand, gone for the plunge. Something the model turian wouldn't even dream of doing. The risks had been great and the reward uncertain, but it had been a great ride. When he stood by Shepard's side, her confident smile and never-give-up attitude had made him feel like anything was possible – anything at all. It was what made people follow her to the ends of the galaxy and trust her with their lives. And indeed, with her leading them, they achieved the impossible – they defeated the Reapers. But at a great cost.

The Citadel was very nearly blown apart, the mass relays severely damaged, entire worlds barely escaping complete destruction and the batarians left high and dry without a home to return to. But none of that mattered to Garrus. No, what mattered to Garrus Vakarian was that Shepard had still been aboard the Citadel when it blew. And that the Normandy had left her behind. To die.

Inside, he knew there was nothing anyone could have done. Joker had done more than his best and waited for longer than was safe, risking the Normandy and her entire crew on that slim chance that they would see Shepard limping out toward them from the docking bays. Inside, he knew what it had cost the pilot to remain there, waiting helplessly, as every other ship fled to the safety of the mass relays and as every passing second put the ship in increasing danger – put EDI into increasing danger. He knew as well that it would be useless for someone to go in and extract Shepard, it would take too much time and they would lose a crewmember on top of their commander. In the end, the numbers were simple, really; risk a crew of several dozens and an AI-equipped frigate, or the single life of an Alliance officer.

Garrus only wished that his still-hurting heart would see it the same way his brain did instead of lingering over the ghosts of five years past.

As a final touch, he snapped on his Kuwashii visor and stood up. He was ready.

Garrus? Is that you?

Garrus, please.

Please.

Listen to me.

"Have you got the goods?"

"This one has fulfilled its part of the deal, and hopes the other will do the same."

Listening to the exchange while hidden high on the catwalks in the abandoned warehouse, Garrus adjusted the scope on his sniper rifle. He had been tailing the hanar for two weeks now. Over the past six months, Landau had been entering and leaving the Citadel as a registered merchant carrying generic goods. Little odds and ends tech any space-faring citizen might need; civilian-grade omnitools, personal Vis, aquarium VIs, blank OSDs – his business was small but brisk and all very nondescript. But his trips were getting more and more frequent of late, the number of shipments surpassing what was reasonably necessary to run a business as small as his. And all went to and fro between the Citadel and the Terminus Systems.

At the same time, C-Sec were receiving reports about the duct rats, the homeless human children who inhabited the Citadel's ventilation shafts and scavenged for a living. This was nothing unusual; C-Sec heard complaints from merchants about duct rats stealing their wares or driving away customers practically every day. What made the reports unusual was that instead of complaints, the citizens were claiming that the duct rats' activities seem to have decreased substantially, almost as if a large number of them had stopped their looting or moved somewhere else. While merchants would normally welcome the change, most were disturbed by the abruptness of it. Suspicions were arising of something bigger going on behind the scenes.

Something was indeed going on behind the scenes and as a Spectre, it was Garrus's job to find out exactly what and eliminate any potential problems. The irregularity of Landau's movements and the apparent disappearance of the duct rats might seem unrelated and just pure coincidence at work, but if there was one thing Garrus had learned over the years was to always trust his gut – and his gut was telling him it was no coincidence. From there, it wasn't difficult to put two and two together. Discreetly tailing Landau when he next departed the Citadel with some fresh 'cargo' had led him here, a long-abandoned facility stuck in the middle of nowhere on an icy, uninhabited world. Not very original, but practical for a rendezvous point to make dealings with a batarian slaver.

"I want to inspect them before you see even one credit out of my chit. The last batch you got for us were bad."

"With all due respect, this one is not responsible for any the damage the customer causes to the wares himself or themselves."

A growl, "Watch your tone! Remember, you work for us and you're in our territory now!"

Anytime soon. Garrus adjusted the Widow ever so slightly to align the crosshairs with the slaver's four-eyed head.

"This one meant no offense, and wishes for the transaction to remain peaceful."

Dead centre.

"Hmph! At least you know your place. Now, let me see the brats."

"Right this way, the ship's cargo hold has already been opened for your convenience."

Now.

A resounding bang rang forth like a firecracker as the batarian's head exploded in a grotesque shower of blood and mush. His headless body stood still for a moment, as if it couldn't comprehend the loss, then fell forward and crumpled to the ground with a sickeningly wet thud.

Landau was quick, snatching up his former employer's pistol with a tentacle while whipping around in a fluid motion to face Garrus's general direction. But he was too slow – already, Garrus had him in his sights and already, he was applying pressure on the trigger.

It's over, slaver scum.

He squeezed the trigger the rest of the way.

Without warning, his visor spazzed, as though met with interference. The readouts vanished to be replaced with blue and white static obscuring the vision in his left eye. Before he could react to the change, the static cleared in a brilliant flash of electric blue and her likeness showed itself to him, eyes wide and mouth open in a single-worded cry.

GARRUS!

His arm jerked as he startled and the shot veered far off course, burying itself into the hull of Landau's ship twenty metres from the hanar's main body. Garrus lost the feeling in his arms as he felt the blood in his veins grow as cold as ice, freezing his insides and taking a cruel, suffocating hold of his heart. His body had become lead and his senses numbed as he was only dimly aware of the Widow clattering to the ground, as he dropped heavily to one knee with his own face in a frozen expression of pure shock. His voice rasped out a whisper.

"Shepard?"

But her image, so clear to him in that one instant had vanished, leaving no trace of her ever being there. The visor had returned to normal, instantly seeking out Landau's position and getting a lock-on as the hanar tried to make his escape, throwing himself towards the exit of the warehouse in a flurry of luminescent feelers. He intended to abandon his ship altogether.

Just before he reached the door, three more bangs reverberated against the walls and Landau dropped like a stone – hitting the ground with a soft squish and limp tentacles in a senseless, haphazard pattern over the floor.

The mission was complete, the slavers were now eliminated and the missing children were now safe, still inside the cargo hold of Landau's ship. But these were the last things on Garrus' mind as he allowed the Phalanx to drop to his side, his mind and body still numb from disbelief.

For a brief moment in time, Shepard had appeared before him.

Relentless footsteps echoed from a familiar, pastel blue asari as she paced up and down the small conference room. "Garrus, you must know that what you're saying sounds– "

" –crazy I know. But believe me, Liara. I swear it upon the Hierarchy– "

The pacing stopped. "Look, I understand that you're still upset. But it's been five years– "

He cut his hand through the air in a violent gesture, expressing his frustration. "I am not upset! And I am also not delusional or in denial. Liara, I know what I saw- "

"I-I'm sorry, Garrus. I just don't think- "

"Please, you've got to trust me on this one. Do you really think I would lie about something like this?"

"Of course not! And I do trust you, it's just that I… I need some time to think. Alone. P-Please excuse me."

With an abrupt turn and a hurried step, Liara T'Soni exited the small conference room and disappeared as the doors swooshed shut behind her. Once she was gone, Garrus felt himself deflate as all the air left his lungs and his shoulders drooped in defeat. He sank down heavily in a nearby chair, head in his hands as he wondered what he should do next. After the incident at the slavers' rendezvous, he had come straight to Liara hoping that her connections as the Shadow Broker could provide some answers as to what he had experienced. But his expectations fell short with Liara's reaction – she did not believe him. Granted, if he had heard the same story from someone else he would have trouble believing it too.

But it didn't matter what they said, what they thought nor those pitying looks they gave him. In that brief, shining moment the truth had been revealed to him. Shepard was out there somewhere, alive. She was calling him. And he was going to find her.

"You know, you could have gone a little easier on the whole 'Oh hey by the way, I think one of your best friends is still alive and I think we should go on a grand quest of adventure to save her!' thing. I mean, Liara acts tough but we all know that she's just a big softy on the inside."

Garrus didn't move from his spot, only heaving a big sigh, the air whistling past his mandibles in a strange high-pitched whistle.

"What are you doing here, Joker?"

"Hey, is that how you greet an old pal you haven't seen in a few months? Cut me some slack, I can't go gallivanting around the galaxy like you can."

Garrus raised his fringed head to look at the baseball-cap-sporting human pilot, carefully seated on a chair across the round table. Standing behind him was the silverine streamlined figure of a human woman, a perfectly sculpted hand over the backrest.

"You should cut me some slack, too. After all, I am a Spectre and I did just finish a month-long mission."

Joker let out a bark of laughter. "All in a day's work for you, old bud. No lame excuses."

Garrus snorted in return. "Well, for all of your complaining, you don't look too bad yourself. And it's good to see you doing well too, EDI."

"Likewise, Garrus," she replied, returning his upturned mandibles with a smile of her own, the corners of her mouth tilting upwards and her rigid stance relaxing. Ever since the war was over, there had been a great, almost fantastical change in the AIs. They had developed more emotional characteristics and seemed less robotic somehow, as if they were actually living flesh and blood hiding in a body of steel rather than a 'created' life-form. This development had been most noticeable on EDI, the only known human-like AI in existence. If it wasn't for her obviously un-human body, she would have borne no difference to any other normal human being.

EDI and Joker were happy together, that much was obvious. And so after the war, the two of them had approached the Alliance with an offer – if they decided they wanted Joker back to serve as a pilot, it would be on the Normandy with EDI. The only other option was for Joker to go into early retirement and 'visit every darn planet inhabited by fuzzy-rabbits with metre-long buckteeth and blue tongues, just for kicks'. Suffice to say, the Alliance had been all too eager to reenlist their best pilot and that was that.

The said pilot then gave him a questioning glance. "So, about what you saw…"

Garrus's face reverted to a sombre expression as he cast his gaze to the floor. "It was her. Believe me, I know. I'd recognise her anywhere." And how could he not? The lilt in her voice, the glint of her eyes, the soft contours of her face – every inch of her was etched into his memory.

"And she just… appeared out of nowhere?"

Garrus shook his head in answer. "No, not really. She kind of… It was like an image projection from my visor screen, so I could only see her from my left eye. She was calling me, Joker. She was calling my name. And she sounded so desperate, so panicked, as if she was afraid of something. And her voice sounded so close, I felt like I could reach out and touch her. But then she was gone."

So close, yet so far. It was like standing on one side of the fence and being able to smell the fresh wild flowers on the other side. He thought he might go mad from the torture. Raising his head, Garrus gave the pilot a heavy, measured look. "Wherever she is, she's in trouble, Joker. And she needs my help. I can't just sit by and let this opportunity slip away. I've got to find her and help her."

There was almost no hesitation in Joker's response. "Ok. Count me in."

Garrus paused, stunned for a moment. "Wait. What did you say?"

Joker rolled his eyes to the ceiling – he'd always wondered how humans did that. "What I'm saying is that I freaking believe your insane story and apparently, I lack a brain and common sense because you're not going without me, hero."

Dumbfounded, Garrus stumbled over himself to reject the idea. "You can't be serious! What about EDI? Your position in the Alliance? Are you going to compromise- "

"Hell yeah, I can!" Joker shot back. "In case you've forgotten, Shepard's my friend too, and she's still my commander no matter how damned long it's been! EDI can come with us, the Alliance can do without me and the Normandy for a few- "

"No, he's right, Jeff. You and I cannot go."

Joker whipped his head around to face EDI so fast, Garrus feared he almost broke his own neck. "What the heck are you talking about, EDI? There's no way I'm- "

"But for the exact same reason, Garrus, you cannot go either."

The relief that Joker had somebody to knock some sense into him evaporated as Garrus likewise turned a wide-eyed, slack-jawed face toward EDI. "What? EDI, listen to yourself- "

"You know what you saw, Officer Vakarian. And I know what I am doing." With a curt nod and a touch as light as a feather, she placed a hand on Joker's shoulder. Then she spoke in a more tender tone, "Jeff, would you please allow me to converse with Garrus for a moment? In private?"

The look of mystification on Joker's face was a perfect match to Garrus's. "Huh? But wh- "

"I will explain everything later, Jeff. For now, it is of paramount importance that I speak with Garrus."

At first, Garrus thought Joker would flat-out object to the request. For a moment, he did appear as if he was going to do so, opening his mouth and making a half-gesture with his hand as if to argue. Then something seemed to change his mind, as he lowered his hands and his gaze to the frosted glass table top.

"Fine. Just- just promise me to tell me everything later?"

"I promise, Jeff," came EDI's solemn reply.

"Everything?" asked Joker with a lopsided grin and a twerk of his eyebrow. It elicited a smile from the AI.

"Everything," she affirmed, with a slight squeeze on his shoulder. Resigned, Joker sighed and shut his eyes, getting steadily to his feet.

"All right, all right. I'm getting out so you two techies can have your nerd talk. But don't take too long, okay?" He made for the exit, though in a much less rushed fashion as Liara had. When he reached the doorway, he turned to point a mock-accusing finger at Garrus. "And you, I better not be catching you using your Archangel status to pick up my girl!" And with that, the door sealed shut in his face.

"I apologise on Jeff's behalf. He is only worried about my secrecy regarding this matter. It is quite uncharacteristic of me to hide anything from him, and Shepard is still a very important figure in his life."

"Isn't she to us all?" grunted Garrus, as he leaned back in his seat to better make eye contact with her. "But I'm curious myself. What is this 'matter' that you're trying to hide from Joker so much?"

There was an ever-so-slight change in her disposition as EDI directed her gaze straight into his eyes, making him feel as if they were being pierced by laser cutters. "It is something I believe is of extreme personal importance to you. That is why I convinced Jeff to leave the room."

Garrus raised his turian equivalent of the human eyebrow. "Important? To me?"

"Correct."

"I don't understand, just what exactly is going on here, EDI?"

"I think you'll be more than capable of figuring it out by yourself."

Before he could reply, a brilliant blue flash of light burst forth from EDI's body and filled the room like a blinding supernova, eliminating all shadow. It seared his eyes and burned his retinas even as he screwed them shut and threw out an arm to shield his face. He had been too close to get to cover in time, but it didn't feel like an explosion - he didn't even feel any heat. What the hell was going on? What was happening to EDI? Why-

And then the light dissipated, and a voice – her voice – called out his name.

"Garrus."

He opened his eyes.

EDI still stood there, back impossibly straight and arms hanging loosely at her sides. But her once-silver eyes shone with the same gleaming cyan light that had appeared before, and the voice that rang forth from her lips was not EDI's voice. His own voice came out in a whisper that rasped his throat.

"Shepard?"

A smile tugged at the corners of EDI's mouth. "Hey there, big guy."

You can hear me, you can hear me!

That voice was unmistakable. It was her! She was here! The soaring joy that enveloped his heart was almost enough to bring him to his knees. "Shepard! It's you! But what- "

"Garrus, I need you to listen carefully, okay? I haven't got much time left."

Taken aback, he made a half-hearted protest. "Time? But- "

"Five years ago, at that final battle against the Reapers, I didn't die on the Citadel – not really."

"You mean, you survived?"

EDI – or was it Shepard now? – shook her head. "That's not it either. Long story short, I met what was basically the embodiment of all the Reapers' collective consciousness. I was given an ultimatum and took control of the Reapers, which destroyed my physical body. My mind melded with the Reapers', and I have been in this state ever since then. Right now, I am only temporarily borrowing EDI's body to be able to communicate with you."

"But then, the indoctrination- "

"Can't happen," she stated with another shake of the head. "As long as I am in control of the Reapers, nothing can happen by their doing without me wishing it.

"Being in control of the entire Reaper fleet gave me great power, power which I used to restore the galaxy to its former state. I know that there was a lot of ruckus made over the news about how the Reapers, who were once enemies, were now helping to rebuild instead. That was because of me."

Garrus's eyes widened. It was all so crazy- this was all so crazy, yet so logical at the same time. Because it was Shepard.

"But then… So you survived! You're alive! We can work something out – maybe get Miranda and Liara to pool their resources and create another body for you or something. You can live again! We can- "

"No," said Shepard quietly with a third shake of EDI's head and a small, sad smile. "I'm afraid that's not possible."

Garrus froze, uncomprehending. "What do you- "

"It is incredible, this power. Too incredible. I can feel it eating at me, Garrus. It's eroding away who I am. This amount of power was never meant to be held in the hands of one person – its slowly consuming me. While I may be able to resist its pull for now, there's no telling what I might do fifty, seventy years down the road. And I can't get rid of it. I've tried, but it's too late. It's a part of me now. To separate myself from it would be as possible as ripping out my own lungs."

"Shepard, what… what are you saying?"

She looked up then, the unnatural brightly glowing beams of light a far cry from the shade of her eyes he knew so well, but the softness in them as she looked at him could not be doubted. "What I am saying, Garrus, is that the Reapers still need to be destroyed. And myself along with them. I am going to simply allow the consciousness to fade, and we will cease to exist." She met his gaze, steady and unwavering against his stunned and overwhelmed one. "I came today to say goodbye."

"NO!" the word came automatically to his tongue, cold horror clenching its icy fist around his heart. "No, you can't! Think about what you're doing, Shepard. You'll die too, a-and I only just found out you were still alive. I only just got you back. You can't do this, Shepard. Not to me, not to yourself. You can't– "

"Hush," came the whispered voice he had longed for and heard in his dreams every night for five long years as he felt a hand rest lightly on the side of his face, barely brushing a mandible with the softest of touches. "We both know that this is the right thing to do."

"But then what about EDI, the geth- "

"It's nothing to worry about. The independent AIs that were not Reapers were never under my control – they can continue to live without me or the Reapers. As for EDI, once I leave, her body will be in lockdown for some time but she'll be able to boot herself back up." The Shepard-EDI tilted her head, noting Garrus's tense stance. "Garrus? What's wrong?"

"It's just-" he choked on the words, an impossible lump rising in his throat and shutting out his voice. For the first time in a long time, he felt the tears sting his eyes. "It's just-"

"Just what, Garrus?" asked Shepard, her voice soothing as warm honey even as he felt a pair of cold, humanlike arms surround him. She was trying to comfort him, even though she was the one who was going to die. Alone. The irony of it all almost made him want to laugh with hysteria.

"It's just… not fair, you know?" he rattled out, vocals unsteady as he suppressed a keening wail. It would do no good to cry now. Instead, he bent down and touched his forehead to EDI's. Shepard had to feel that, didn't she?

If her responding push was anything to go by, she did. "I know, big guy. I know."

Garrus had not wanted in his entire life for the universe to stand still more than that exact space in time, when it was just him and Shepard. He feared he would forget this feeling, the feeling of having her beside him, the assurance of knowing that he just had to reach out to touch her and hold her to him and never let go.

But then all too soon, she pulled himself out of his grasp and he felt her slip from his hands forever.

"I'm so sorry, Garrus. In another life, maybe?" Only now did her voice shake, did she reveal to him the depth of her uncertainty and regret. And his heart ached for her, just as much as hers did for him.

"Yeah," he croaked, voice cracking. "Another life."

She smiled. Lips moving wordlessly before there was the same flash of light and she was gone from EDI's body, this time for good. He was never seeing her again.

I love you

"I love you too, Shepard."

A/N: So this is my submission for Afterlife's September contest, run by the awesome MizDirected! I had to cut it down from the original idea to be realistic about the length (and also, lack of time hehehe) but this should be enough without cutting away too much. It also ventured into more cheesy territory than I had anticipated. /dies of embarrassment.

- Kasumi

P.S.: My newest fad is Bleach. Ichigo x Rukia fangirl mode!