XX

The New Year Holidays in Japan were just as festive as those of other countries, if not even more so. Kenji's mother, who had grown up overseas for most of her life and was obsessed with being as Japanese as she could be, loved anything Japanese. And the result would be the house having Japanese paper kites with the Kotobuki kanji written on them in gold, and bamboo decorations in the foyer. The maids were normally given days off until the fifth of January, and only the family would remain in the house, where Yamaguchi Chiemi would go full throttle on New Years' dishes she had learned from the cooking classes one of her Uni friends had.

In normal circumstances, he wouldn't have minded the bustling household, with the kitchens filled with sweet and sour smells for the osechi, and his father running in and out of the lower level of the house to prepare for the mochi making event they were planning to have on the thirty-first. But right now, he was just really, really tired.

Winter vacations out of town with his friends were something he was going to have to avoid in the future. Good things had never happened back in high school, and good things weren't happening now that they were adults. Four days away in a ski lodge with the freaks, and he already felt like he had aged ten years. What was worse was that he felt like he had accomplished nothing at all, and if anything felt like he even added more to the damage. Shizuku was still hung over her family, and to top it all off, Yuuzan had suddenly forced himself into the picture.

After they had put Nagano behind them and Mabo's driver, Takahashi-san, came to pick them up, Shizuku had slept through the ride back home. It was probably to avoid conversation with anyone, especially with him. He didn't really mind; he assumed she had a hangover from the night prior. That, and she had used his shoulder as a pillow the whole trip back, and he had loved every second of it, which actually creeped him out because he was acting like an idiot stalker with the way he was thinking.

Takahashi-san dropped them off at Mabo's place where Kenji had left his car, and that was when everyone split up to their respective homes. It had been strange, because Natsume and Sasayan didn't even so much as say goodbye to each other. It wasn't until Sasayan had greeted everyone a Happy New Year did Kenji realize it, but they hadn't talked to each other at all throughout the car ride home to Yokohama. Did something happen to them the night before? Natsume had had a lot to drink then. Sasayan wasn't any better. Kenji hoped to God that he hadn't tried to kiss her again.

After everyone had gone their separate ways.

"Mother dearest!" Iyo cheered in her annoying Iyo voice as she deposited her luggage on the floor when their mother came in to greet them.

"Pumpkin," Chiemi exclaimed almost as loudly and the two of them hugged. "How was Nagano?"

"Yuyuka-chan was there! She's gotten very, very pretty. Do you think Iyo would look good with long hair? Yuyuka-chan had nice, long hair."

Chiemi looked down at Iyo, blinked twice, then turned to Kenji. "Yuyuka-chan was there? Kenji, wasn't that the Ayanokouji girl who's always liked you back in your Kaimei days?"

Trust his mother to blurt out uncomfortable things.

Kenji gently placed his luggage on the floor next to Iyo's, rolled his shoulders back, frowned. "I don't know. I don't remember."

Chiemi smiled at him, giving Iyo a pat on the head and ushered her to get her things to her room. "Hm. You've always been indifferent with girls, and I've heard you've broken hearts left and right without noticing it. I'm surprised you were able to charm your way into Shizuku-chan's heart. I was sure you'd be cursed for the rest of your days for being mean to girls, and you would be doomed to a loveless life forever and ever." She grinned. "And ever."

Kenji narrowed his eyes at her. His mother was being obnoxious. That must mean one thing. "How did your Onsen trip to Hokkaido go?"

Chiemi's smile vanished from her face in an instant. "It was awful. I knew we should have hired a driver. Your father said he was all right with winter driving."

Kenji couldn't help but shrug. "And you believed him? Dad's driving sucks, even when it's summer."

"The secret to a lasting marriage is trust, Kenji. You'd be better off knowing that, so when you get married, your wife won't leave you." Chiemi grinned mirthlessly. "Except when it comes to winter driving. No, never trust them when it comes to winter driving."

Kenji sighed, feeling even more tired. Chiemi was always a pleasant lady to be around with, but when it came to these moods, it was better to hear her out to release all the tension. He made his way into the kitchen, and Chiemi followed. "You can tell me all about it over coffee."

"I've already brewed a pot. Quickly, you have to let me badmouth your father."

And it was a one-way conversation after that, with Chiemi telling Kenji all about what happened in their trip. This was nothing new to him; his parents always fought when out on a trip with just the two of them. He was just glad that this time, they were able to get home safely. There had been one time when his parents had taken a tour to India and his mother ended up getting sick from eating too much chicken curry. That had been very hard to listen to, especially when it was his dad that was complaining.

Chiemi got her fill of complaining after two cups of coffee, and by the time she let him off the hook, it was already two in the afternoon and he was getting really sleepy. Iyo had left the house to meet with the girls from her circle around the time their mother was at the climax of her rant, and with Chiemi content with having let off steam, the house had become too quiet for his liking. Well, it was perfect if he were to just sleep the afternoon off, but with two days left of December, he felt like wasting away the rest of his vacation sleeping was something he was going to regret.

He made his way to his sunroom. With him gone for four days, and the maids on holiday, it was left dark and cold, glass windows frozen over, and a light dust of snow on the empty flower planters outside. Kenji rubbed his arms briskly as he hurried over to the hearth, trying hard not to inhale sharply the cold, dry air in the room. It took a while to get a fire going, and he sighed in contentment as he looked at the flames happily licking at the wood he had placed there. He was glad he was sensible enough to move Shizuku's fish in the living room; the aquarium had a heat regulator, but still, it was safer for them to be where people usually gathered. His mom had taken a liking to them, which was more than what he could say for Shizuku.

So perhaps what Shizuku said about herself was true; she was just not that into animals. Which brought even the mystery that was Nagoya, who was still in the second-floor sunroom. Kenji sighed. He couldn't believe himself. He was insecure of a chicken.

Shaking himself out of the unbecoming emotion, he allowed himself to remember the time he had shared with Shizuku when she was still spending her nights at his house. How long had it been since they'd sat next to each other in this same room, admiring the flames in the hearth, sharing coffee and cinnamon buns? Too long. Too many things were happening so fast that he needed time to arrange his thoughts in his head. His circle of friends suddenly growing almost overnight was not helping.

So perhaps he knew that it was normal for Shizuku's friends to automatically become his friends, but Kenji was not used to… normal people who had normal problems. By this, he meant that for a very long time, his circle was composed of Tomio, Mabo and George, and the only problems that they had were so stupid that he'd never wasted time in even so much as worrying about them. But now, he had Sasayan worried about Natsume, and Natsume worried about Shizuku, and Shizuku worried about her family.

Other concerns came in the form of Yuyuka, who might or might not have told him that she was still in love with him.

He threw his head back and covered his eyes with his forearm. He was not used to caring. The last time he's ever cared like this and had actually gotten directly involved with other people's lives was when he was back in high school, when Shizuku decided to be a part of his life.

And then of course, there was Haru.

He dropped his arm to his side and stared at the ceiling. He could hear the flickering of the flames as they licked the logs and the fire got bigger and bigger in the hearth in front of him. He breathed out and discovered his breath had stopped freezing in midair. The room was definitely warming up, but he still felt cold.

He frowned. These were not the thoughts he would have liked to dwell in before the end of the year. But then again, what should he be thinking about? A New Year's resolution? Maybe help with his mother around the kitchen?

He was about to consider the latter when his phone rang and it was Sasayan.

"I did it. This time, I really did it," was what he said when Kenji answered. No preambles. No hellos. In the background, Kenji could hear loud noises he couldn't quite define. Where on earth was Sasayan?

"What did you do?" Kenji asked, breathing in and bracing himself for a talk that was most certainly about Natsume, and probably about what had happened back in Nagano. In normal circumstances, Kenji would have been annoyed. But the fact that Sasayan called him out of all people sort of made him happy. It was good to know he was trusted enough to have an opinion on their personal life. Well, not that he was at all interested in their personal life, given his wasn't any better.

"I told her I love her, and I asked her to be my girlfriend," Sasayan said over the noise of wherever he was. He was talking slowly, as if he too was having a hard time believing that he had actually said such things.

Kenji blinked and waited for him to continue. He was expecting Sasayan to say that he had tried to cop a feel or anything that resembled any form of sexual harassment that would be the cause of Natsume being angry with him. Sasayan, however, didn't say anything else.

Kenji cleared his throat. "You told her you love her and you asked her to be your girlfriend. Then what?"

"Nothing. She just started ignoring me after that. We didn't even speak a word to each other on the way home from Nagano. It was as if I wasn't even there."

"Yeah. I kind of noticed that. I just thought she was in another one of her moods."

"No. That was me."

"I don't get it. What's the problem, then?"

Sasayan scoffed at the other end of the line, said something inaudible when Kenji heard a loud smacking noise followed by loud cheering.

"What did you say? I can hardly hear you." Kenji shifted his phone from one ear to another. "Where on earth are you?"

"The Misawa Batting Range. They're open until tomorrow afternoon. You wanna come over?"

Kenji bit his lower lip, uncertain. There were too many things that started worrying Kenji at that invitation. One, he had never really had a good relationship with the owner of said batting range, considering Misawa-san was Haru's cousin. And two, he was not very good with a bat. The only reason he's ever hung out there back in high school was because Tomio and George insisted that they weasel more money out of Haru, and that had been out of pure boredom for them.

Well, so maybe there was another reason, and that was because Kenji did not think he was in the mood to get lost in down town Yokohama, simply because a guy friend was in need of his help.

That was why when he opened his mouth and said, "Sure. I'll be there in a few," to Sasayan, he did not know what had come over him. Perhaps he was just searching for a reason to leave the house where he was bound to overthink things. For whatever reason it was, he was already putting on a coat and a thick scarf and getting his keys.

He got lost along the way. Twice. Frozen streets made it difficult for him and by the time he finally reached the batting center, the sun was already setting, and the evening cold was already on downtown Yokohama like a very heavy blanket.

Sasayan met him at the foot of the stairs leading to the registration desk, where Kenji could see Misawa-san pounding on a calculator, a cigarette in his mouth. Kenji's mood immediately plummeted. The last time he had been here was around Christmas time, and though Haru's cousin had been more than friendly with him, he still couldn't bring himself to like the guy. Him and his sunglasses. Him and his knowledge of Haru and Shizuku's past. Him and his existing friendship with Shizuku.

"Hey, thanks for meeting me. I just felt like I needed someone to talk to," Sasayan said, shrugging in embarrassment.

Kenji gestured at the entrance of the batting range. "And you had to pick this place, one of the noisiest places you could be in, to talk?"

Sasayan laughed. "I think better when I move around. Want to hit a few balls with me?"

It took everything Kenji had in him not to step back. He had never really been good at any form of sports, and many times he had wondered how anyone could actually hit a moving ball with such a thin piece of wood. But he was here to support Sasayan. He knew that he wanted to. If he didn't, he knew he wouldn't have even considered coming here in the first place.

"Sure. Why not?"

They made their way up into the registration counter where Misawa-san was still battling it out with his calculator. The older man immediately stopped what he was doing when he saw Kenji standing there in front of him. Kenji couldn't read the man's expression from behind those dark sunglasses of his.

"Oh, it's you," Misawa-san said, looking absolutely passive as he returned to his numbers. "You here to bat? Strange, as you always ever come here for other reasons than to hit a few balls."

"Today's an exception." Kenji took out his wallet. "How does this work?"

Misawa-san shrugged. "Christmas is over. It's almost New Year. I don't even know why I'm doing business today when you're the only two people who have enough time in your hands to swing a bat. It's on the house."

Getting favors from this man did not make Kenji feel any more uncomfortable than he already was, but he wasn't in the mood to argue, and so he pocketed his wallet again and followed a very happy Sasayan into the batting range. He looked over his shoulder and watched at Misawa-san scratched at his chin, muttering something under his breath as he glanced down at his calendar. He had never really liked the guy, but he didn't necessarily hate him, either. Sighing, Kenji trailed after Sasayan into the batting range.

Misawa-san hadn't been lying when he said that there were no other customers besides them. The place was big, dark, and very cold.

"So, how are things with you?" Sasayan asked as he helped himself to one of the bats lined up by the fence. He plucked out what seemed to be a random one, used it to stretch his arms over his head.

"I thought we're here to talk about your love life," Kenji pointed out, leaning against the fence, not bothering with a bat.

"What love life?" Sasayan asked humorously, but Kenji didn't miss the bitterness behind the remark. He shook his head before swinging his bat fiercely. "Why do I even bother? Why do I keep on insisting on torturing myself with liking her when it's obvious nothing good is going to come out of this?"

Kenji wanted to say something supportive. Sasayan had always been the silent supporter he's had back in his Kaimei days, and the friendship they had developed after the events that Mizutani Shizuku's return to Yokohama had triggered was something Kenji wanted to treasure. But he did not know what it was that made him pause in mid-thought.

Maybe it was because he knew Natsume to be a man-hater even back in high school. Shizuku had more than once told him that her friend had never shown interest in men, and that was because she had been more than adamant about avoiding inconvenient misunderstandings with girl classmates. Kenji was sure that the only problem Natsume had then was that she wasn't lucky enough to have been surrounded by more understanding friends. Perhaps, had Natsume been able to meet true friends who were more understanding and a little less jealous, things between her and Sasayan may have turned out differently.

Another reason why he wasn't able to think of a supportive comment was because of the expression Sasayan had on his face. It was the face of a man who knew it was about time to call it quits. Kenji knew that face all too well; it was how he had seen his face in the mirror when Shizuku had told him, two years ago, that she was in love with Yoshida Haru, and for that she couldn't accept his feelings.

"Are you giving up?" Kenji asked quietly.

Sasayan paused, shrugged, leaned on his bat for support. "I don't know. Maybe. There's only so much time a guy can offer at wooing a girl who doesn't seem to be thinking of his feelings fairly. That's all I've wanted from her. If you like me, then great. If you don't, then just rip my heart out now and get it over with. There was never a straight answer from her. It doesn't matter how I ask it. Drunk or sober. She'd just run away. And well, I'm just tired."

"Of loving her?"

Sasayan shook his head. "I don't think I would ever get tired loving her." He scratched his ear gingerly, and Kenji suspected the gesture to be something to hide his expression from him. "I'm just tired of chasing her around, especially without any assurances that I'd be able to catch up to her eventually if I try harder."

"If it's worth anything, I was at the same place you are now, two years ago. Not that I'm trying to compare." Kenji knew better than to do that. Shizuku had been fair to him. She had considered his feelings properly without running away. Natsume was just… always on the run. So much so that Kenji was beginning to wonder what it was that she was running from.

"What would you do if you were in my shoes?" Sasayan asked him, this time meeting his gaze head on, and looking a bit desperate for an answer.

Kenji respected Sasayan more than enough to simply lie about his answer. Sometimes, a man should know when to throw in the towel. "If I were you, I would back down. Maybe not to give up entirely, but to just look at things from a different perspective."

It took a while before he got a reaction from Sasayan, and that was a mere tilt of the head, then a very brisk nod. "You're right. Maybe it is just time to step away for a bit."

"If it's stressing you this much, then well, yeah," Kenji said. "But you have to understand one thing."

Sasayan raised an eyebrow. "And what's that?"

"It's going to take you a very, very long time before you get over her completely. Like every single day would feel like you've missed out on something very important, and for a while it's going to seem like life mattered a little less than it really should." Kenji grinned mirthlessly. "But that's just me speaking from experience. You might be luckier than I was."

The expression on Sasayan's face softened. "You must have had a hard time when Mizutani-san chose someone else."

"It's not like there was anything I could do about it. Shizuku's had her heart set on Haru from the beginning. If anything, I was just in the way. But that didn't mean my feelings were any less genuine than Haru's."

And he guessed Sasayan understood, because he just turned his back at Kenji to step up to the plate. "For what it's worth, I've never doubted you, even for a bit, back when were in high school. Yoshida was a friend of mine, too. But, well, you know…"

Kenji wrinkled his nose, feeling slightly embarrassed. It was not like him to have a heart-to-heart talk with anyone about anything. He's never even been that open with his feelings to his parents. He wondered what it was that made him open up to Sasayan. "Back in high school, it seemed pretty okay between you and Natsume. But who am I to say that?"

"Things you say in high school matter little. Summer festivals have a tendency to cloud a teen when he's desperate enough to fall in love. There were times back then when I thought that Natsume-san and I could have made a great couple, too. But that was after she's gotten over her little crush on Misawa-san. It could have been just my imagination, but I had actually thought that she kind of liked me that way. So many things changed after high school. At graduation, we promised each other we would remain friends. And we did, in a way. I told her I'd visit her. She seemed pretty happy. But things never moved on from there. And now here I am, wondering if it was worth anything at all." Sasayan took a deep breath, let it out in one aggressive huff. "I don't think I can take it anymore. I mean, I have to move on eventually, right?"

Kenji crossed his arms over his chest, giving Sasayan's back a lingering look. "Tell me honestly. Is there anything I could say that would make you feel better?"

Sasayan thought for a while, then shook his head. "No. Not really. But I'm glad you're here to listen."

"So, what are you planning on doing for the rest of winter break?" Kenji asked, thinking that changing the subject was the decent thing to do.

"The circle I joined in Uni are having this mochi event at a senpai's house, so I'm planning to go. How about you? Any plans with Mizutani-san?"

"Visiting the Shrine on the first is in our schedule. Do you want to come?"

Sasayan grinned. "Do you want me to come?"

"No."

Sasayan laughed. "I thought so. My brothers and I are going together."

"I didn't know you had brothers."

"Three, actually. The eldest is getting married in June, and so we were thinking of starting the well-wishing together as a family." Sasayan looked at the bat in his hand, sighed then swung it over onto his right shoulder. He started walking towards Kenji. "You know what, I think I should just give this up and just head home."

Kenji raised an eyebrow at him. "You tell me this, after you've called me all the way here? That's very annoying."

Sasayan offered him the bat. "Wanna give it a go?"

"Not really."

"Aww, come on. You'll find it quite relaxing."

Kenji had never hit a baseball in his life, and that included PE back in high school. Back then, he had been more interested in academics, and he had never ever felt the need to immerse himself into whatever sport they had in the curriculum. He shook his head. "If you're not going to do it, we might as well get out of here. Or do you want to talk some more? We can get a coffee – "

Sasayan shook his head. "Nah. I think I'll just head home." He placed the bat back along with the others in the rack and pocketed his fists, grinning. "Thanks for listening. I think stepping away from the big picture like you said would be the best thing for me to do."

Kenji gave Sasayan a nod. "Will you be okay?"

"Have I ever been 'not okay'?"

"You weren't okay, two minutes ago."

"You're imagining things." Sasayan gave him that lopsided grin that was so very Sasayan that Kenji just had to believe him.

"Well, if you say so. Do you want a ride home?"

"Is it okay? I walked here like a zombie, feeling sorry for myself." Sasayan laughed at his own declaration.

"Yeah, sure," Kenji said, gesturing towards the exit.

"Yeah. I'll be right down. I just need to go the bathroom."

Kenji nodded. "I'll wait in the car, then."

Sasayan left for the toilet, and Kenji frowned when he saw that Misawa-san was still behind the counter, cursing under his breath as he had a balance sheet now spread in front of him. The man looked like a freaking yakuza. The man scared the shit out of him back in high school. Haru wasn't any better, though Haru had been a lot sicker in the head.

Kenji turned and slipped out the emergency stairwell that led to the side of the building. He remembered it well, because that had been the very place he realized of Haru's capability of hurting another human being, if it meant having his way. Of course, all of that had been mere speculation on this part. That, and Haru talked about ripping Shizuku's arms and legs apart so that she wouldn't run away from him. That was a joke, Kenji had assumed. But he had never missed Haru's threats to him back then. And his eyes. There was something just… different… about his eyes.

Kenji stood with his hands on the railings of the cold, steel emergency stairwell as he looked down at the pavement below. He was at the same spot back when he was so sure Haru would push him off to plummet to his doom. Or was he? This was the second floor. Back in high school, it felt even higher than this. He sighed, his breath freezing in front of his face, and he leaned over to gauge the distance between him and the ground. Twenty? Maybe twenty-five feet? Haru couldn't have been serious, right?

Kenji heard footsteps behind him, muted by the carpet of snow on the landing. Assuming it was Sasayan, he leaned back into safety and was about to turn around to greet his friend when everything happened so fast he wasn't even sure what was going on.

Something – a bag, or a scarf or whatever – was suddenly over his head, and the next thing he knew he was wrestling with someone who was definitely bigger and stronger than he was. The first emotion he felt was anger. No one threw stinky bags over Yamaguchi Kenji's head!

But then the anger was immediately replaced by fear. Especially when he felt his attacker tackling him against the railings. The metal groaned against their weight. This was not a good place to be fighting. Kenji lashed out with his foot, the toe of his shoe making contact with a human body part. His attacker grunted, but didn't lose his momentum.

No, no. Second-floor stairwells were not a good place to wrestle! Someone could fall and break one's neck…

Memories of Haru came rushing back to Kenji when he felt the unknown attacker grab him around the torso and lift him high into the air. Fear turned to panic as thoughts of 20-foot drops took over him. Someone was trying to push him off the stairs! And they seemed like they were pretty serious about it too.

"Let me go! Who are you?" Kenji demanded as he tried to claw at the man who was obviously dead on throwing him over the railings. Not that he was expecting an answer. The bag or whatever covering his face was starting to suffocate him. He tried another desperate kick. This time, he grazed nothing but air. And if anything, that move might have been the cause of what happened next.

One moment, Kenji was being manhandled by very strong arms, and the next he was grasping at nothing. It felt like it happened in slow motion. The problem was, he had a bag over his head, and so whatever that was happening all might have been from his own imagination; his body being thrown off the Misawa Batting Range emergency stairwell, his arms and legs flailing, hoping for something to grab on to.

And then thoughts of Shizuku flooded his subconscious. Their first kiss together. How her face looked when she was sleeping. How her eyes looked too big for her face after she'd cried over her parents' divorce.

He wondered if this was his life flashing right before his eyes. Was he going to die? Did people die if they fell from second-story buildings? What was he thinking? He was a doctor-to-be! He knew the answer to that!

He squeezed his eyes shut, and braced for impact. The pain came in one explosion, before everything faded into nothingness. Maybe after a few lifetimes later, he might have heard Sasayan screaming his name. He might also have heard the sound of an ambulance wailing in the distance. He wasn't sure. Right now, he was just in need of sleep.

And maybe general anesthesia.