Compromising Position

"Harley! Hold the plane steady, would ya?!" snapped the Joker, as he was slammed against the wall of the cockpit, fumbling to hold his pants up.

"Sorry, puddin' – I ain't ever flown a plane before!" cried Harley, glancing in terror out the windscreen at the approaching buildings. She veered sharply right again, slamming the Joker against the opposite wall, and his pants fell down.

"For God's sake!" he shouted, struggling to pull them back up. "Just keep her on a straight course! It ain't that difficult!"

"If I keep her on a straight course, we're gonna hit a building!" cried Harley. "Why are there so many highrises in this town?!"

"Then get it up higher!" shouted Joker, grabbing the stick from her and pulling sharply upward.

"That's what she said!" giggled Harley, but her laugh turned into a scream as the plane soared upward at a sixty degree angle, sending both Joker and Harley slamming into the back of the cockpit.

"Good…gag, pooh," gasped Joker, trying to push her off him. "Now get up there and steer this thing, would ya? I need to fix my pants," he muttered, grabbing his trousers at his ankles.

"Where's your belt, puddin'?" asked Harley, struggling to climb uphill and reach the controls.

"Back at the studio," muttered Joker. "Forgot to grab it before we left."

"Y'know, puddin', much as I love it whenever you drop your pants, in future you might wanna consider scrapping that whole routine," gasped Harley, reaching the controls at last and hanging onto the stick as if for dear life. "It just makes getaways difficult."

"Yeah, yeah," muttered Joker, trying to tuck his shirt into his trousers to help them stay up. "Good gag, though, you gotta admit. Did you see the look on Lexy's face?" he chuckled.

Harley managed to get the plane level at last. She giggled again, turning to him. "I think everyone kinda did, puddin'!" she laughed. "It was live on camera, after all!"

"Serves him right for going into politics," retorted Joker. "I mean, I'm evil and all, but a politician's a new kinda low, Harley. It's beneath the dignity of a supervillain. Not that Lexy was ever a particularly good supervillain, but still, a politician? It's just demeaning."

About ten minutes ago, Lex Luthor, prominent Metropolis businessman and current presidential candidate, had been giving an interview to a news team in Gotham City, answering questions about his campaign and his goals if elected president. The interviewer had asked Mr. Luthor if he had a message for the people of Gotham, and in response, the camera, commandeered by Harley Quinn, had switched to a shot of the Joker, pants dropped and bent over, with the words Eat my shorts! scribbled on the back of his boxers.

Lex Luthor had gone from shocked to furious in a second, leaping to his feet and chasing after the clown duo, who had made their way, laughing hysterically, out of the studio and onto the roof, where Mr. Luthor's private jet waited to take him back to Metropolis. Harley had taken care of Mercy Graves, Luthor's bodyguard, with a boxing glove to the face, while Joker had given the pilot a flowerful of Joker toxin, and before Luthor or anyone could stop them, they had flown off in the jet, still laughing insanely over their joke. Until Harley had realized how difficult it was to fly a plane in a densely populated urban area, of course. But now, with only the sky around them, she breathed a sigh of relief, settling back into the chair.

Joker was looking around the plane. "Well, what have we got here?" he asked, examining a chest along one corner. "Maybe Lex has left a little spare change lying around? Maybe a few million or two?"

He flicked out his knife, fiddling the lock and flipping the lid open. His eyes lit up, and he giggled.

"Is it money, puddin'?" asked Harley, turning around.

"Better," laughed Joker. "Kryptonite! Guess Lexy was hoping to guard against any attacks from boy scouts in blue tights!"

He chuckled, picking up the vial inside, which contained a tiny, bluish-green, glowing, metallic chip. "Come to Daddy," he said. "Not you, you dumb blonde, fly the plane!" he shouted as Harley skipped over to him.

"Just think of all the fun we can have with this little baby!" laughed Joker, examining the vial as Harley returned to the controls. "Maybe we can sneak it into Supey's food! Or send it to him through the mail! Or…"

The plane suddenly jolted again, knocking them both forward, as something collided with the back of it. "What the…" began Joker, glancing out the window behind them. Then his eyes narrowed. "Batman," he muttered. "It's always Batman!"

"Aw, great, he's the last thing we need!" cried Harley, as the Batwing latched onto the jet, pulling it back.

"Give it some gas, Harl!" shouted Joker.

"I dunno how to make it go faster, puddin'!" shouted Harley "It ain't got pedals!"

She shrieked suddenly as Batman crashed through the roof of the cockpit. He saw the glowing vial in Joker's hand and recognized it instantly, just as Joker futilely tried to hide it behind his back.

"Bats, nice of you to drop in…" Joker began, but Batman cut him off with a punch to the face, knocking him against the wall and causing his pants to drop again.

"Leave him alone!" shrieked Harley, standing up and racing over to them. Batman whirled around, seizing her leg as she jumped to kick him, and throwing her against the controls. She fell heavily against the stick, sending the plane into a nosedive.

Batman shoved her out of the way, steadying the plane again. Then he turned to Joker. "Give me the Kryptonite," he muttered.

"No," snapped Joker, climbing slowly to his feet and pulling his pants back up. "It's my toy!"

"It's not a toy!" snapped Batman. "Give it to me now!"

Joker shook his head, hiding the vial behind his back again. "Don't make me hurt you," growled Batman.

"Why not?" asked Joker, grinning. "Scared you might enjoy it?"

In response, Batman punched him again. Harley stood up and was about to attack Batman again, when something caught her eye out of the window.

"Building!" she shrieked, grabbing the stick and sending the plane veering off to the left. Batman and Joker crashed into the opposite wall, and Batman tried to grab the vial from him. But suddenly Harley turned sharply right, knocking them both back against the other wall.

"Look out for the…" began Batman, but his warning came too late. The plane crashed through a billboard and into a construction site, colliding with a crane and a wrecking ball, which slammed its way into the windscreen. Harley screamed as the windscreen shattered and the plane plummeted.

Joker made a break for the door, but Batman caught him, slamming him to the ground face-first and trying to reach the vial, which Joker slid firmly underneath his chest.

The people below watched as the jet crash landed into the square, thankfully not hitting anyone on its way down. Emergency crews, news teams, and curious bystanders raced to the smoking wreckage to see if anyone had survived.

The crash had ripped a giant hole in the cockpit, and news crews and photographers descended to see into the jet. The scene before them stunned them all into silence.

Nobody was dead, and nobody looked hurt. Harley was staring directly in front of her, shaking with the shock of the crash land, but everyone's eyes were focused on Batman and the Joker.

Joker's pants had fallen down again, and he was still trying to keep the vial of Kryptonite away from Batman by holding it underneath his own body, struggling with Batman who was on top of him, trying to grab it and shouting at him.

What everyone saw without context, however, was the Joker with his pants down, and Batman lying on top of the Joker's back, slamming his body repeatedly down on the ground as Joker writhed and grunted underneath him, while Batman tried to grab something on the front of Joker's body, shouting, "Give it to me! Give it to me now!"

It was only when all the cameras began flashing and the murmuring started that both Joker and Batman simultaneously realized the awkwardness of their position. They froze in their struggle, neither of them sure what to do, until Joker hissed, "Get off me!"

"Not before you give me the goddamn…there!" exclaimed Batman, grabbing the vial off him at last and standing up hastily, holding it up. "This is what I was trying to get from him," he said quickly. "Vial of Kryptonite. Would have caused a lotta trouble for my friend Superman, and that's why I was…uh…struggling with him in that manner…"

"The more you explain it, the more awkward it sounds," snapped Joker, standing up and pulling his pants up again. "Show's over, ok, folks? Nothing to see here! It's none of your goddamn business why we were fighting like that with my pants down…"

"Batman, how long have you and the Joker had a romantic relationship?" asked one of the news team, and he was echoed by thousands more. "Is your nemesis reputation just a cover to preserve the idea of your heterosexuality?" "Can the people of Gotham trust a man who has a homosexual relationship with a murdering psychopath?" "Shouldn't you, as Gotham's hero, have had the courage to come out before?"

"Look, I am not in a romantic relationship with the Joker!" snapped Batman. "We both have girlfriends…"

"Miss Quinn, how long have you known about the Joker and Batman's affair?" "Are you surprised?" "Are you hurt being little more than a cover for their illicit relationship?" "Are you actually in a lesbian relationship with Poison Ivy, as the rumors suggest?"

"I…what…no!" cried Harley. "No, Mr. J is all man, and we're madly in love…"

"Harley, stop talking now!" hissed Joker. "Nobody has any comment, all right?! Just beat it, you buncha sickos!"

"I'm taking the Joker and Harley Quinn to Arkham…" began Batman.

"Do the doctors at Arkham know about your relationship?" "How long have you been keeping this a secret?" "Batman? Batman!"

The news crews followed him relentlessly as Batman dragged Joker and Harley into the waiting Batmobile and slammed the door shut. Nobody said a word as they drove.

"This is gonna be bad, isn't it?" asked Joker at last.

"No," snapped Batman. "It's going to be a little blip in the trashier media outlets, and then it's going to go away quietly. We just all have to try to ignore it."

"Try to ignore it?!" shrieked Harley. "Everyone thinks you and Mr. J are making ha ha, and that I'm just some cover for you! How am I supposed to ignore that?!"

"I hate to say it, but Joker's right in this case," muttered Batman. "Anything anyone says addressing the issue is only going to sound like we're trying to cover it up and making excuses. The best thing we can do is lie low, say nothing, and wait for this all to blow over."

The World's Greatest Detective was going to have a long wait.