A/N: So this has spoilers for 11.1 and possibly 11.2 (not that I know anything, of course, I'm just taking a guess ;) )... Hope you enjoy part 1 of this :)

Disclaimer: Don't own anything.

Saving You

Sometimes Gibbs wondered how stupid a person could get. He had known all along, had not even fooled himself into believing all of it was even for real and yet he had fallen harder than ever before – with that one big exception. That big exception was Shannon of course and for years he had refused to try to find someone to match up to her because he had simply thought it would be impossible. But now, four months after all it had begun, he was starting to wonder when exactly he had missed the obvious signs. He couldn't be without that other person, couldn't not call him up at the weirdest times just to check whether he was alright.
Gibbs knew that he shouldn't get attached like that. Hell, they weren't even in a relationship as far as he knew. So what had him getting the creeps whenever he didn't know exactly where he was? Gibbs simply didn't get it and that was what scared him the most. He didn't like being out of balance like that.
He had to end this thing before he'd go insane. Thing was, though, he didn't want to.
He felt alive more than he had in over twenty years, he was certainly happier than ever since Shannon and Kelly had died, but he also knew he couldn't have him, not like that. There was too much baggage, there would always be too much.
But this time it wasn't Gibbs who couldn't let go.
Because even after seven months Tony still couldn't let go of her.

Four months earlier

Gibbs looked at the man who was currently sitting on the last of the stairs down to his basement and wondered if he'd ever get back the old Tony or if he was forever lost someplace between Israel and DC. Ever since Tony, and all of them, had to say goodbye to Ziva, Tony was not the same person anymore. He was too focused on the job, on the alcohol, on Gibbs' basement. The older man would have bet that his SFA hadn't gone out, hadn't chatted up some woman or another in months. Gibbs knew that Tony had loved Ziva, probably still did, but in the end they had to part their ways. Gibbs knew that Tony was hurting; they had taken so many little steps towards each other over the last couple of months or maybe years that even Gibbs, who had mostly looked the other way, couldn't help but see the changes in Ziva and Tony's relationship. He had been sure that they were just one step away from finally breaking Rule 12 when Ziva had decided to stay in Israel for good.

Gibbs had watched Tony slowly but steadily fall apart for a little while before he had ordered him to follow him home after work one day. They hadn't talked much that night, had only drank some beer and even more bourbon, but it had seemed to help Tony. At least, he had shown up in his basement at least three times a week since then. Gibbs didn't mind, he had always liked Tony's company, even if it was only an echo of Tony's former self these days.

"Do you think it'll ever get better?" Tony's quiet voice raised him from his thoughts.

Gibbs stopped sanding for a moment and looked at his agent again, feeling his heart sink as he saw the devastated look on the other man's face.

"Missing her, you mean?" he checked back, already knowing that the answer would be yes.

"No," Tony shrugged and took another sip from his bourbon. "I mean yes, but not really. I'm just so tired of missing her… missing out. All my life… I've been taking care of people, trying to save them, only to find out that nobody wants it. My mom preferred to drink herself to death, the kid in Baltimore still despises me for saving him and not his baby sister… and now Ziva… she just… she just let it go, you know, after everything we've been through, she just throws it away like it… like I meant nothing to her."

"That's not true, DiNozzo," Gibbs replied vehemently, trying to swallow the sickening feeling in his throat at Tony's words, before he put down the sander and slowly walked towards the other man, finally sitting down next to him. "You did save her in many ways and you know that."

"Yeah, but in the end, it's all the same," Tony almost whispered, leaning his head against the cold wall next to him, looking so beaten that Gibbs suddenly felt the almost forgotten pull to give him a hug and never let go again. "I'm still here all alone. I mean, goddamn it, Gibbs, I tell her I love her and she still refuses to come back home with me."

"Maybe it still wasn't her home," Gibbs answered slowly, leaning closer towards Tony, who didn't draw back, but leaned towards him, too. "Maybe at times it felt like it, but in the end, she felt like Israel was it still. There's nothing you could have done."

Tony let out a pathetic attempt of a laugh before he downed the rest of his bourbon.

"Sometimes, you know, I just wonder why I keep on doing this. Maybe nobody wants to be saved."

Gibbs turned to look at the younger man more closely and was momentarily caught off guard as Tony looked right back at him, his green eyes shimmering with something that Gibbs couldn't place. It wasn't devastation anymore, but certainly not hope, either.

"I didn't mind," Gibbs finally replied, trying to give the man next to him a smile, but wasn't entirely sure whether or not the corners of his mouth even twitched.

"Yeah, just like you wouldn't have minded if I didn't," Tony answered so defeated that Gibbs stiffened for a moment, trying to figure out where this had come from.

Did Tony really think like that? That he'd rather be dead, br drowning in that car with Maddie than to be here now? He shook his head and then raised his hand to give him a head slap, but redirected it at the last second so that it came to a rest at Tony's neck, gently squeezing him.

"There's nowhere I'd rather be, Tony, and I'm sorry I never said thank you. I thought you knew. I know I can always count on you no matter what and even if I sometimes don't want it, or think I don't want it, I'd rather be saved."

Gibbs watched Tony go red in the face and blink at him a couple of times as if he had to make sure he wasn't dreaming. The older man just shrugged, quirking up the corner of his mouth and waited for Tony to continue talking. It took a while, but finally Tony cleared his throat and then, almost unconsciously, leaned into Gibbs' hand that was still resting at his neck.

"You mean that?"

"Every word, Tony," Gibbs said quietly. "You do make a difference in people's life and you've made a big difference in mine. I never trusted anyone on the job more than I trust you."

Tony didn't reply, but he nodded, a small smile grazing his features. Gibbs returned it with one of his own, causing Tony to subtly shake his head. He still remained silent, though, and Gibbs let him be for the moment as he busied himself with staring at his own hands. He didn't know how he could help his agent. He wanted the old Tony back and yet he did like the more open and honest version he was seeing tonight, too. Once again, he just wanted to lean closer and pull his arms around the other man in an attempt to soothe him in some way. He didn't have clue where that came from – again. Over the years, he had sometimes felt a strange pull towards the younger man, but it had always quickly disappeared again – or he had made it disappear with the help of another redhead. Now, though, it felt strangely different, though he had no idea why that was. Tony was devastated, was still in love with Ziva and there was no chance in hell, he'd reciprocated his feelings.

Wait, what? What feelings? What was going on?

Gibbs was just about to get up to have another glass of bourbon in order to forget about that particular train of thought when Tony started to speak again, effectively keeping him in place.

"Trust you, too," he said quietly. "With my life. Sometimes, I just wished I could forget it all. Sometimes, I just want to sit here and pretend everything is still alright and whenever I'm here with you, it still feels okay. I don't know why, it just is and maybe that's why I keep on coming here. I want things to be okay and somehow I always think you can make them, you know. I know it's stupid."

"I would if I could," Gibbs replied without thinking, suddenly having to fight a slightly blurry vision.

Tony just nodded, a soft smile playing on his lips. "I know," he whispered barely audible, causing Gibbs to lean in even closer now. "You're just like me. We always want to fix things… people. But maybe we just have to stop, you know? Maybe we should stop trying to fix them. Maybe we should fix ourselves for once."

"And how are you planning to do that?" Gibbs asked, still trying to fight the slightly overwhelming feeling of helplessness inside of him.

"It's easy, really," Tony replied, his eyes suddenly sparkling like Gibbs hadn't seen in months. "For once I'd really like us to do exactly what we want. For instance… what would you rather be doing right now instead of sitting here playing Agony Aunt for me?"

Gibbs remained silent for a moment, seriously considering the question, before he realized that there was nothing he'd rather be doing than sitting here with Tony. It just felt too right.

"Nothing," he finally - and to his own surprise - answered truthfully. "I like it when you're here…" he trailed off, unable to finish that particular thought out loud, afraid of giving himself away.

"You like it when I'm offloading on you?" Tony checked back incredulously, his eyebrows quirking up and his lips forming a soft smile.

"No, I mean," Gibbs replied reluctantly, cursing himself for saying that stuff earlier. "I like your company. It's good to know… there's somebody out there who… trusts me with stuff like that."

Tony nodded once and then turned ever so slightly, so that Gibbs wasn't able to look him into the eyes anymore. The younger man's expression had closed off somewhat and Gibbs felt a pang of sadness shoot through him as he realized that Tony had suddenly gone back to being professional Tony. In an attempt to get back the more open Tony, Gibbs cleared his throat again and then, and he really didn't know why, bumped his shoulder against the younger man's, causing him to actually look at him again.

"What would you rather be doing, then?" Gibbs asked, resuming their earlier conversation.

"A week ago," Tony replied slowly, "I'd have said 'be in Israel' or something, but now… I mean I still do… but I don't know. I guess it isn't so bad here… with you."

"Good," Gibbs just replied, feeling something warm settling in his stomach. "Come on," he then continued, trying to steer their conversation into safer waters. "You want another drink?"

He was about to get up to pour them some more bourbon when Tony grabbed for his arm, effectively holding him in place. He didn't let go of his arm when he had settled back down, either. Slightly confused, Gibbs turned towards Tony and realized with a start that the gloomy cloud above Tony's head seemed to have reappeared again, but something had suddenly changed. Tony was staring squarely at him at the moment as if he was searching for something. Gibbs just looked right back at him, unknowing what he was supposed to do.

"Can you make me forget?" Tony finally said so quietly that Gibbs wasn't even sure he had understood him right.

"How?" he replied, only realizing now that his breathing had become rather shallow all of a sudden. "More bourbon?"

"No," Tony shook his head as he inched closer ever so slightly. "It never helps… but maybe this will…" he trailed off and before Gibbs could do as much as blink once, he was able to feel Tony's surprisingly soft lips on his own.

He stiffened up for a moment, not kissing him back. His mind was shouting at him to put an end to this madness, was shouting at him that Tony was drunk and would regret it in the morning, would hate him for doing it. His body, however, eventually kicked into gear and he felt himself kiss the other man back. He didn't care what it might mean, he didn't care what it could destroy. It just felt too right to stop it.

One thing had led to another that night, and even now, Gibbs had no idea how he could have let it happen - or all the other times after that. Tony was so obviously hurt and not in the right frame of mind to make a decision like that… Months and deep feelings on his side later, he still wasn't sure what they were doing. Tony never said anything, really. They met up at least twice a week, but they never really discussed the elephant in the room.
Gibbs found himself get clingy to anything that was Tony and the younger man didn't seem to mind or at least he never complained about it, but Gibbs could see the strain slowly come back into the other man's features. It clearly wasn't working for him anymore. Gibbs knew they had to talk soon, but he was dreading the lonely nights in the basement all of a sudden, was dreading Tony not being there anymore.
Because for once, it didn't feel like Tony was the one being let go of. It was Gibbs.