Author's Note: Holy crap it's been a long time, but I'm inspired to do this again, so let's get the ball rolling!

Pitching for Flakes

"Start. Talking."

Surprisingly, that was the last thing Naruto wanted to do. See, usually he wouldn't be adverse to speak, but his current situation wasn't the most pleasant, considering the owner of the house was seconds away from becoming a felon. The harsh object was clearly intent on beating Naruto within an inch of his life, if he didn't explain what he was doing in the other man's house.

Naruto stood up, feeling the item pressed against his neck move with him. Perspiration gathered at the top of his forehead. He was sweating. Anxious. Quite greedily choking on his own spit. Dare he admit it, he was piss scared of the consequences of his actions. Beginning to question if his quest for ramen had been worth the exposure. If only he hadn't gotten so distracted. If only he wasn't so goddamned hungry.

Still facing away, Naruto took a moment to daringly tilt his head back and squint through the darkness. He could see it. His large, blue eyes traced the outline of a weapon.

It was a bat, from what he could make out.

He wasn't much of a baseball fan, he noted to himself in annoyance. Naruto swallowed. Kiba took him to a Sox game once, just last year, when the temperatures were soaring and the sidewalks could cook an egg, and to put it lightly, Naruto didn't enjoy himself. Having scored some free tickets off the radio, Kiba was gung ho about it untill the season ended and begged Naruto to go with him. So after being nagged into it, he tagged along.

He remembered falling asleep fifteen minutes into the baseball game while eating a hotdog. Let's just say the fondest memory of that day was the hotdog.

Personally, he was a hockey kind of guy.

Which is why he would appreciate it if there was a hockey stick digging into the back of his neck, and not a base bat.

"Are you deaf?" Sasuke's voice was murderous. Not really? Unless shock was making him hearing impaired. There were only two things Naruto could possibly do in this situation, and neither of them were easy. Sasuke was more than ready to swing. Obviously doing what any man—clinically insane or otherwise—would do if they found a stranger scampering around their kitchen cabinets. So reasoning with him seemed out of the question.

Naruto figured if Sasuke was a man of reason, he wouldn't still be living in this ghost-ridden (?), depressing old manor.

His palms were sweaty. Not that the student anticipated coming here to find a piece of sports equipment ready to play whack-a-mole with his head, but he supposed he'd gotten into weirder situations before. Like the time he got lodged in a revolving door on his way to class—though that didn't really put his life at stake. It had just been really uncomfortable.

Naruto tried to take a moment to breathe and exhaled sharply.

If he didn't tackle this situation right, this breath could very well be his last.

He was battling tough choices. On one hand, he could spill the beans. Just confess, right here and now, why he was here and who sent him – but Naruto always kept his promises. And he promised Sakura that he wouldn't rat her out, in one way or another, which meant the next alternative…was to lie.

Sasuke tapped the wooden harvester of death against his head once more, a clear sign of impatience. Naruto could lie about what he was doing. Say he was a plumber or something that Sakura hired to check Sasuke's…uh, pipes under the kitchen sink.

Which would explain why he was rummaging through Sasuke's…cabinets in search of them.

Naruto froze.

Well, shit.

"I'm waiting."

That excuse wasn't going to work. It didn't even line up! Naruto was confident Sasuke wasn't going to buy such a poorly executed story, but either way, it would buy him some time. He hoped. Naruto looked over his shoulder and smiled in the dark. Sadly, Naruto's charming, perfectly aligned teeth, lost their abilities to impress under the sinister façade of night.

"H-hey! Uh, well, ya see, the names…ehrm, Daniel." He could totally pass as a Daniel. "And your wife, Sakura was it? She asked me to come and look at your pipes-"

Naruto swallowed.

"—because they were leaking."

Obsidian eyes narrowed considerably.

"At Midnight?" Sasuke tone was flat and unconvinced.

Naruto couldn't help but cringe a little as the weapon was now pressed hard against his cheek. He knew. If he didn't think of something else, and quick, the only ghost that would be haunting this manor tonight would be his own. Sasuke clicked his teeth. "You're a terrible liar."

"I'm not lying?" Naruto's cracked voice begged to differ. He was conflicted between wanting to run, and wanting to take the bat to beat Sakura's undeserving fiancée in the face with it. However, Naruto settled on staring firmly at the wall in front of him. He'd rather avoid the court date, thank you very much. "She told me it was the only time she had available."

"Sakura would have told me if anyone was coming to look at my sink."

"I-it's a surprise?" he sputtered.

Sasuke's eyebrow lifted at that precariously.

"What would she hope to gain, by surprising me with a repairman?"

"..Ehrm, I dunno, dude." Naruto let out a nervous chuckle. "She's your wife."

The cheeky response didn't really help his case.

Sasuke wondered why he was even sparing a conversation with this man who was obviously a thief. "That's because she didn't call anyone, and you're not a repairman," he pointed out. "So since this conversation isn't going to benefit anyone…"

Sasuke raised the bat.

"Good night, Daniel."

Naruto's options were now narrowed down to one.

"Wait, wait, wait, wait – WAIT!" The blond cried, raising his hands above his hand in a desperate plea to not get his brains bashed in. "Look." He turned around. "Naruto Uzumaki, Paranormal investigator, nice to meet you! Sakura called. Told us to come and wait till you're asleep. Now please don't kill me!" came Naruto's rushed confession, and the attack stopped short. Sasuke took the bat away, and if Naruto could see it, frowned slightly.

"Sakura hired…a paranormal investigator," he swallows, as if to rid a bad taste in his mouth. "…to look at my house?" The way Sasuke said those two words didn't fail to go unnoticed by the breathless college student. They were laced with obvious disdain, like the very title itself was make believe. As credible as a professional onion peeler or dog walker. "This delusion of hers really is going too far…"

"Delusion?" Naruto's mouth hung open, his face twisted with obvious incredulity. He remembered how hesitant Sakura was to ask him and his team for help. The disheartened look in her eyes when she said Sasuke was incapable of love. Or compassion. Naruto just couldn't believe it was true. This guy was so heartless! Besides, why'd he have to say, 'paranormal investigator', in that kind of tone? Like a parent reprimanding a child for having an imaginary friend?

Naruto wrinkled his nose distastefully.

"Why would you say that about her? She's practically your wife for Pete's sake!"

"What does that have to do with anything?"

"I'm saying that you should believe her. That's what a good husband is supposed to do." Naruto stated proudly, and Sasuke snorted. This god damn bastard actually had the audacity to chuckle.

"You clearly don't know Sakura."

"Well you don't seem to know her either." Naruto responded smugly. "She's kind, smart, beautiful," he felt his cheeks lightly stain red. Not knowing what was driving him to defend her honor. "A-and, any man would be lucky to have her." Seriously, Naruto wasn't messin' around either. He would give his heart…No, his soul to get a chance to take her out sometime. He would treat her way better than this insensitive prick ever did.

Sasuke eyed Naruto suspiciously.

The next question completely threw the blond for a loop.

"So, you've been sleeping with her?"

If Naruto was drinking anything, this would have been the perfect time to do a dramatic spit take.

"N-no!" Naruto sputtered. Not that he would mind but- "Why would I do that?!"

Sasuke looked away and tilted his lips inquisitively.

"Because you sound like a love struck, teenage boy. I just safely assumed you've slept with my fiancée."

"Well we haven't!" Naruto was quick to defend.

Though, he didn't quite understand how Sasuke could imply something like that with such a relaxed tone. It was just…off somehow. Almost like Sasuke wasn't interested at all in how Sakura spent her time. Was this what she came home to every night?

Naruto looked back again in Sasuke's direction angrily, feeling particularly more sorry for her.

"You know…for practically being her husband and all, you don't really look like you'd care if I did."

"No, I would." Sasuke answered. He traced his fingers on the countertop meticulously. "I would be angry."

Well there we go. Anger. Now there's an honest, normal response-

"-Because she could obviously do better."

Naruto blinked.

"Huh?"

So much for trying to stay civil.

"Wait a minute, what did you say?!" Naruto screamed. The nerve! The serious nerve of this, this- duck butt headed jerk!

Sasuke combed a hand through his hair.

"I think you heard me." He taunted.

"Well y-yeah, she could do better!" Naruto quickly recovered, bitterly agreeing. He jabbed a finger at Sasuke. Naruto smiled with sanctimonious pride, even though Sasuke could barely make out his hand so the defiant motion was completely lost on him. "Why the heck she's staying with a dick like you still stumps me because yeah! She could do WAY better. At least I'd treat her with respect!"

"I doubt you'd treat her to anything, much less a decent meal, if chasing imaginary ghosts are your sole source of income."

Naruto almost stumbled on a comeback.

"Well if you must know wise guy, it ain't!" Naruto spoke with triumph.

"Really?" Sasuke jeered. "Then what do you do, pray tell?"

"I work part time at-!"

Naruto stopped himself.

'At Noodle and Company, Thursdays through Sundays where I wash dishes and clean tables for a measly ten bucks an hour.' Like hell he could say that.

Sasuke seemed to know he had him cornered, because Naruto could practically feel the other's holier-than-thou eyes on him, absorbing his silence faster than a sea sponge.

"Well?" Sasuke practically sang.

Naruto cleared his throat. He scratched his cheek in a nervous, awkward gesture.

"I-I…I won't tell you," Naruto mustered through his embarrassment. "But it's a really good job!" The boy finished with a huff. "Besides I wouldn't want you visiting and stalking me or something."

"Now why would I do that?" Sasuke asked with a snort.

"I dunno, because you're the type of weirdo to threaten people with bats instead of calling the cops." Naruto quite happily pointed out, motioning towards the object still in Sasuke's hand. "I mean christ, didn't they teach ya in school not to confront the robbers?"

"So you admit you're a robber." Sasuke deadpanned.

"No!" Naruto hissed. God, why was this guy so difficult to talk to? How did Sakura handle this all the time? "Look, 'm just saying you could've been like any normal person and called the damned police."

"I'm not a normal person." Sasuke supplied coolly, tossing the weapon aside.

"You sure as hell got that right."

Sasuke ignored the quip.

"And my actions were justified, since there was a strange man rummaging through my food in the middle of the night."

"Justified my ass." Naruto snipped. "I think any regular, functioning member of society would dial 911."

"Why would I do that? The police are useless. All they would have done was incapacitate you…and let's just say my methods would have made things…" Sasuke trailed off suggestively. Chillingly. "A little more permanent."

Okay, Naruto was officially creeped out and officially angry.

"Incapacitate is putting it a little lightly, you psycho!" Naruto folded his arms across his chest. Livid. "You were going to kill me!"

"Kill, no. Break your legs, yes."

"Well I'm about to break your nose in a few seconds." Came the hearty threat, and Sasuke said nothing. Both of them locked in a battle of wills as one contemplated kicking Sasuke in the 'nads, while the other merely stared on. Amused and…intrigued.

Sasuke smirked through the dark.

"For a guy so interested in the dead, you sure do talk a lot."

Naruto returned the gesture as he felt it, promptly flipping him off.

"Well for an emo looking asshole, so do you."

"Hn." Sasuke clicked his tongue. "I would comment on your appearance, but considering I can't see, I'll just assume you look as obnoxious as you sound." The raven turned away to search for a light switch.

"Well that's where you're wrong smart guy, because if you could see, you'd be blinded by how fucking sexy I am."

Sasuke rolled his eyes.

"Oh, I'm sure I would." He responded dryly. Sasuke found the light and flicked it on. But nothing happened. Naruto heard his arch nemesis 'tsk' under his breath.

"What did you do to my lights?"

"I used my spiritual powers to temporarily stop them!" The sarcasm was definitely strong in this one. Sasuke felt a vein throb on his left temple at the others, debatably, comedic actions. "Before, you used the word 'us'," Sasuke strained."Are you suggesting there are more of you frauds lurking around?"

"Now wait just a damn minute!" Naruto walked towards the other—or at least where he assumed he would be—and got in his face. Truly offended. "We ain't frauds, ya hear?"

"Right." Sasuke laughed lightly under his breath. "Ghost hunters are a real, esteemed profession. I'm supposed to definitely believe my house is being haunted."

"Well that's what we're here to find out!" Naruto retorted. "If you'd only let us do our damn job, instead of threatening people with bats!"

"You're still on that?" Seriously, did this moron have a one track mind? "How else was I supposed to greet a stranger putting their grubby hands all over my food?" Sasuke scathingly replied. "Besides, I didn't realize looking for ramen was part of the job description."

"H-how did you know I was looking for that?"

He'd been caught red handed?

"You were muttering ramen as you were helping yourself to my kitchen."

Naruto flushed. Welp, he couldn't talk himself out of that. But still! He glared through the darkness. There was no way he was going to let Sasuke make him feel like a boy caught with his hands inside his pants. No sir. He wasn't leaving. Not until he made sure this place was safe enough for Sakura.

Sasuke sighed. As if reading the others defiant mind, he took the camera from Naruto's hand and shined the light straight into his poor, unsuspecting pupils. "I want you to get your friends, and leave." Sasuke clicked the light on and off. To emphasize his point. "It's not up for debate."

"The hell's your problem." Naruto glared, aggressively grabbing the equipment back. "My tech guy already cut off the power. It's gonna be like this till morning, so no use sending us away now."

"Why in god's name did he do that?"

"It's part of the investigation, Mr. Cheerful."

"Well this so called investigation is over." Sasuke was becoming increasingly more ill-composed. He straightened his back, towering over Naruto in a show of authority when really, such a display was futile amidst the darkness. "I want all of you idiots out of my house."

"Well I want a million dollars, but that ain't happening." Naruto piped.

Sasuke felt his eye twitch. He'd never met anyone so incredibly stupid before. They continued to battle in silence, Sasuke opening his mouth to let loose a barrage of his own prize winning insults, until something came that nobody expected.

A blood curling, female scream.

It pierced through the electricity of Sasuke and Naruto's budge-less feud, and brought them both back to attention.

And Naruto knew that voice anywhere.

"No! Please!"

Their heads simultaneously whipped towards the noise.

Naruto's heart drummed loudly in his ears.

It was Sakura.

She screamed again. Then a loud, ground trembling bang came from upstairs—and that had Naruto running. Sprinting to her side. Sasuke was surprised to see Naruto run to his room first with such quickness. After the immediate shock wore off, Sasuke dashed after the uninvited house guest quite laboriously, finding it difficult to keep up with the others pace. If not a professional ghost chaser, he thought Naruto would make a great Olympic athlete.

Naruto didn't slow down at all as he clambered up the stairs noisily. He nearly slammed into a wall with his panic, feeling the anxiety practically teleport him to the bedroom. Navigating through the dark on instinct alone.

When Naruto finally stopped, heels first, skidding until his head brushed against the door, he noticed something was missing. Or rather, someone.

Sai was gone.

"Where the fuck did he go?!" Naruto cursed out loud, looking around for him with the intent to kill. His fists were ready to fly at the first chance he saw Sai's s face. Because why? Why would Sai just abandon his post like this? It didn't make any sense! With Sasuke finally catching up to him, Naruto's concerned, blue eyes fell on the man's dark silhouette. Watching him pant with a look of annoyance.

The hell took him so long to get here?

"What, were you walking or something?" Naruto accused. "Why the hell are you so calm about this?!"

Sasuke nearly collapsed a lung trying to match Naruto's speed.

"I'm not calm." He said with difficulty. He was out of breath. Big difference.

"Well ya sure as hell fooled me." Naruto huffed, jiggling the door knob even though it wouldn't budge. He kicked the door in frustration. "Damn! It's locked!"

"You're quite perceptive."

Naruto ignored Sasuke and pressed his face against the barrier between him, and the women of his dreams. "Sakura!" He called to her. "Sakura are you there? Are you alright? Oi, answer me!" But there was no response. Was she hurt?

Sasuke said nothing.

"You have the key right?" Naruto turned to ask him.

"I do." Sasuke said.

"Then unlock it!"

Sasuke didn't appreciate being ordered around like this, especially given the circumstances, and especially in his own home. Reaching into his pocket, Sasuke placed his hand on the knob and inserted the rightful key into the slot.

"The door wasn't locked when I left." He muttered.

"Well now it is."

"Thank you for pointing out the obvious." Sasuke's response was clipped. Naruto tapped his foot impatiently. Shifting from his left leg to his right as he waited for Sasuke to open the door, he grunted. Seconds flew by.

"Would you hurry it up?" Naruto barked. "We don't got all night."

Sasuke pulled the key back out and frowned.

"It's not opening."

"Well if it's not I'm kicking the door down, move aside!"

"You will do no such thing." Sasuke warned, grabbing Naruto's shoulder and roughly pulling him back. Naruto shrugged Sasuke's hand away, giving the man a rough push in return. This caused him to stumble back and hit the wall. Sasuke snarled. "This mansion is centuries old." Was Naruto supposed to care? "It belonged to my ancestors, I will not have you destroying it."

"All you care about is your damn door?! What if she's really hurt in there?!" Naruto bellowed.

"She's not." Sasuke folded his arms across his chest. "This whole thing is a ploy for attention. The door wasn't locked when I came down and discovered you, so it's obvious she's behind this."

"And what if it's not smart guy?" Why were they even arguing about this? What did it really matter? Even if Sakura was doing all of this just to get Sasuke's attention, shouldn't he want to check and see if she was okay? The fact was that Sasuke cared more about an old door then Sakura's safety. And that just really rubbed Naruto the wrong way! No wonder Sakura was so depressed. This asshole didn't act like her boyfriend, heck, Sasuke didn't even act like a friend.

The blond made a decision.

He backed up again, returning his attention to the door. Naruto was gonna bust it open, even if it meant breaking a few bones to do it. With or without Sasuke's help was up to him, but Naruto made up his mind. And when he was set on seeing something through, nothing could deter him.

"I'm coming in!" Naruto announced. Feeling his anxieties heighten at the silence that ensued. He backed up all the way and prepared to lunge himself at the door – because if he wanted to do this without hurting himself, he figured he might as well time this right. His large, disgusted blue orbs fell on Sasuke. "If you don't give a shit, that's all fine and dandy, but I do. So if you're not gonna help, back off."

Sasuke merely stared.

Naruto didn't know what was going on here, but he was sure going to find out. He started his own personal countdown. He never imagined he'd perform such cinematic acts in real life, but if this was anything like the movies—he had a feeling it'd be way harder—putting all the force into this one attack, should cause the door to fall.

There was movement beside him.

A body had joined his, and surprised, Naruto looked to see Sasuke taking the same stance. Naruto smiled coyly. So the bastard did have a heart after all.

"On my count." Naruto said to Sasuke, much more chipper. "We ram the door, got it?"

Sasuke nodded his head with a grunt; despite not liking that the other was taking the lead.

"One….two…THREE!"

They both charged.

They ran towards the door, shoulders locked. Hands clenched. About to slam into it when – they both slipped in side.

And by slip, Naruto actually fucking slipped through the door like it was a transparent image. Losing control of his body, the natural laws of inertia making an object—or in his case, a person—in motion, stay in motion, Naruto yelped as he grabbed Sasuke in a desperate attempt to slow them both down. They both fell on the bed, falling over the bed frame, face forward, and into the cushiony sheets with an oof!

He didn't know what the bloody hell just happened. Naruto groaned in pain, ass hiked in the air, clunked forward like a slinky. There was no way they both just…went through the door, right? That was impossible. He looked back at the completely hinged frame. There was no broken door. No pieces of ancient, Uchiha debris, lay scrambled on the floor; and there was no Sakura. Even though Naruto could have sworn her voice came from inside here.

Naruto was flipping out. His mouth was wide open, like he was trying to swallow the world's oxygen supply.

"…Sasuke…" Naruto murmured under his breath after containing himself, noting that he could faintly make out Sasuke too, sitting up and rubbing his head in pain. "Sasuke." He said again, tapping Sasuke's shoulder.

Sasuke stiffened.

"Yes..?" He answered, clearly not fond of being touched.

"…Since you're rich…and all. You don't happen to have a holographic door…or something, installed right?" If that sort of thing actually existed outside of an Austin Powers movie.

Sasuke gave Naruto a look like he was handicapped.

A pause.

"When you grabbed the doorknob earlier…it was solid, right?" Naruto reiterated.

"A door is a door." Sasuke snapped.

"Ah…" Naruto scratched his cheek. "Right."

They both looked at the door.

The two of them then stared at each other in a tense, thoughtful silence.

Trying to figure out…what in the name of all that was sane, just happened.

"...Right. A door."

Author's Closing Notes: I got a private (ha) message today asking me when I was going to update and then I realized: I've been so caught up in trying to finish my main story, Fallen for Ramen, that I completley forgot about this one! I'm so sorry! I'm going to update this MUCH more frequently, and for those of you who still like it and have been waiting, the next update will be in a week! Please forgive me? Or send a train of evil spirits after me, that works too.