I'm Not Going To Be Here

By Kimetara

Multi-part: Complete

Disclaimer: I haven't become any richer since the previous chapter.

          Cloud lay in bed, staring at the ceiling.

          The urge to leave was back.

          *Already?*  Usually it held off for at least a month.  This time it hadn't lasted a day.

          The ex-SOLDIER rolled out of bed, landing softly on his feet.  Without Tifa, there was nothing at Nibelheim he needed to stay for.

~~~~~

          Cloud fought the monsters of Mideel until he was worn through.  Bone-weary, his entire body aching, the blond climbed on Mint and headed to the City of Ancients.

          It was some sort of strange ritual for Cloud.  Fight over and over, day after day without rest, until he couldn't even lift his sword without aching. Then, he'd climb on Mint and head up to Aeris' grave.  It brought a sort of peace, releasing his pent-up emotions fighting, then paying tribute to the dead Ancient.

          This time though, there was a difference.  Peace couldn't find him like it usually had...

          He sighed, wishing he could talk to Tifa.  She always had some sort of comfort – words of advice, a reassuring smile, or just sitting by him and listening.

*****

I'm not going to hold your hand

And tell you it's alright

*****

          Cloud carefully drew the letter she had written to him from his pocket, and reread it over again.

          What had she meant?  How could she just disappear like that?

          Two lines, out of all of them, mocked him the most.  Two lines kept him from being angry at Tifa for leaving.

*****

And if you hate me for leaving like that

Just think, how long have you been gone?

*****

          He couldn't be angry with her for not being there...  Since Meteor, he never was for her.

          ...he'd been so busy trying to figure out what he was missing in his soul, he completely ignored the tear in hers...

          Cloud sighed, the realization sinking in heavily as the cool wind of the lake swirled around him.  Now that he saw that, he realized it was practically screamed throughout the whole poem.

          He had hurt without healing.  While she'd guided him through his tough spots, he'd ignored hers.

          He'd never comforted her, or told her she'd be okay.  He never paid attention to the redness in her eyes when she first stepped out in the morning.

          He'd never thanked her for all the times she'd covered for him in need. He'd left her over and over, never acknowledging how much it hurt.

          Cloud squeezed his eyes shut, guilt and loss rising through him.

          He didn't sleep that night either.  He lay, staring at the barely visible spiral design of the shell house.

*****

Maybe I didn't mean anything

Maybe you'll feel nothing at my loss

*****

          *Did she really think that?  How could she?* Cloud rolled on his side, hugging his pillow.  Despite his understanding of why she was gone, the sense of "something missing" returned to him stronger than ever.  Tifa had been his anchor...to his past, to AVALANCHE...and after the Lifestream, to himself.

          He left Nibelheim, knowing he'd be back to see her.  The only reason he called it "home" was because she was there to make him come back.  After all, he couldn't leave his best friend, the one he owed his life – no, his very identity – alone, could he?

          Where was she?

          He needed her to be there.

          Cloud felt his chest tighten, and he squeezed the pillow tighter.

          *Tifa...  Tifa, is this how you felt when I left?*  The thought didn't help the swelling in his throat.  *I'm sorry...*

          Cloud was shocked when he felt the trail of a water droplet down his cheek.  *Is it raining?* he thought, confused.  Not that these houses leaked anyway...

          It wasn't raining.

          *Why?* he asked himself, shaking.  He hadn't cried since Aeris' death.  Tifa (hopefully) wasn't dead...

          But she was to him.  She'd left him, and it was because of his own stupidity.

          He needed her to be here.

          With him.

          Cloud closed his eyes, feeling the tears trickling down his face.

          He drifted off to sleep with wet lashes.

          The next day, when Cloud rose, his resolution was set.

          He'd find her.

          Tifa.

~~~~~

          Tifa sat in the sand, watching the ocean waves move gently in and out.  Behind her rose the mountains of Wutai.  As the sun set, she stepped back into the materia cave she'd been living in for the past five months.

~~~~~

          "You haven't seen her either, Yuffie?" Cloud asked, a haggard expression on his face.

          "No, sorry..."  Yuffie frowned at the hidden edge of despair in Cloud's voice.  "You don't look so good, Cloud..." she cautioned.

          "I'm okay," he answered automatically.

          Yuffie raised an eyebrow.  "Sure, but if you keel over, remember, I tried to help," she responded nonchalantly.

          That got a small grin out of Cloud.  "Thanks."

          "No prob."  The small ninja watched as Cloud began to leave Wutai.  "You sure you don't wanna spend the night or something?" she offered.

          Cloud shook his head and kept walking.

          On the outskirts of Wutai, Cloud fed Mint and sighed.  He'd been looking for Tifa for the past four months.

          "What if I never find her, boy?" he murmured.  Mint warked softly.

          Exhausted, Cloud climbed onto his chocobo's back.  He'd gotten barely three hours of sleep in the past three days.

          He clucked Mint into an easy jog, before finally giving in.

          Mint paused, listening.  He knew his rider trusted him not to make stupid mistakes while he was sleeping.

          Of course, he also knew that his rider told him to go east before he fell asleep.

          Mint ruffled his feathers for a moment, then turned and headed south.

          Cloud woke up in the middle of the night, feeling slighter better for his long nap.  Glancing around, he was surprised to see he was only just south of the Wutai Mountains.

          "Mint?  Why'd you go here?" he asked his gold chocobo, knowing the bird wouldn't be able to answer.  Indeed, Mint didn't even acknowledge Cloud's query, but continued eating.

          Cloud shrugged.  Maybe he'd just taken a wrong turn.  Or maybe the greens were tastier here.  Didn't matter, he'd just go west now.

          However, when Cloud attempted to guide Mint away, the chocobo ignored him.  Cloud tugged on the reins harder, but the chocobo only responded with an annoyed "warkk" and went on feeding.

          Cloud watched, amused at his own helplessness.  He could have jerked the reins, but he couldn't bring himself to be so harsh to his chocobo – Mint had, after all, put up with all his traipsing for the past 16 months.

          *Was it really that long since Meteor?*  It seemed so close...and yet, it seemed further ago.

          *Sixteen months...*  And only five of those had he spent with Tifa.

          Cloud shook his head, ridding himself of that train of thought.  He slid off of Mint's back – the chocobo would be ready to leave eventually.  Until then...the blond figured he might as well check up on the Mime materia cave – it was around here, and it wasn't as if there was anywhere else for him to go at the moment.

          The moonlight proved an almost ethereal shine to the near-desert landscape as Cloud walked slowly along the peninsula.  When the entrance of the cave finally rose to his eyes, he thought he saw a flicker of movement.  Cloud dismissed the thought as a trick of the night.

          And yet...  A hundred feet from the entrance, a figure began to take form.  The stars glinted silver from her long hair, and as he grew closer, he saw her face gain a pure, angelic quality.

          Cloud felt a rush through his body.  Was it...?

          Tifa.

         He stopped a foot away from her.  At one point he had begun to run, although he couldn't remember when.  Her warm, poignant wine eyes seemed to pour through his soul.

          "Tifa," he whispered, his eyes darting over her still form.  He could smell the lovely scent of her perfume, and he wasn't sure whether he was dreaming.

          "Hey Cloud," she answered quietly.  Her voice hadn't changed from its soft, gentle tone.

         That was enough to convince Cloud.  He swept Tifa up in a crushing hug, burying his face in her deep hair.

          Abruptly, he set her back down on the ground, although not removing his arms from her waist.

          "What did you think you were doing?" he demanded fiercely.  "Do you know what I've been going through?"

          Tifa felt hope rise within her at his words, but she quickly quelled the emotion. She'd had her hopes dashed too often to raise them now.

          *But he found me, didn't he?*  "What have you been going through, Cloud?" she asked carefully, restraining the urge to return the SOLDIER's embrace.

          "I've been looking for you for the past four months!  I've hardly slept, hardly eaten, I haven't talked to anybody unless it was to ask where you were!" he yelled – not because angry, but just from all the energy he seemed to regain from finding her.  "I've darn well been going crazy!"

          "Why?"

          Tifa's whisper seemed to still the air as Cloud considered his reply.

          "...because you're my best friend," he spoke at last.  The words came easily from years of use, but they didn't seem quite...right.

          "Oh..."  Tifa began to pull away.  She was shocked when Cloud's arms only tightened around her.

          "No," he mused, "that's not right..."  Tifa barely caught the words, but she heard enough to make her stop breathing.

          "Not right?" she pressed.  *Maybe...* sang a rhythm in her heart.  *Maybe...*

          "Tifa...why did you stay?" he asked finally, locking eyes with hers.

          "...what do you mean?" she replied.  She knew what he meant.

          "In your letter."  Cloud had memorized every verse by heart.  "Why...did you stay?"

          She turned her face away.  "...didn't I say you'd have to find that answer on your own?"

          There was a silence.  "...it wasn't empty, Tifa," Cloud responded finally.

          Tifa turned him a questioning glance.

          "It was home...because you were there," he breathed, before pulling the brunette closer for a deep kiss.

          Fireworks exploded in Tifa's eyes as her knees gave way.  A strange, dizzy feeling seemed to wash over her, and she wrapped her arms around Cloud's strong form to keep from losing her balance.

          Molten lava poured through her body...she could have stayed like that forever.

          But Tifa forced her eyes open.  She forced herself to pull away, to place her hands on Cloud's chest and push him from her.

          Tifa's breath trembled as Cloud stared at her, his own breathing slightly ragged.  His clear azure eyes were dark, and Tifa couldn't bring herself to hold his gaze.

          "No."  Her voice seemed to come out slightly strangled.  "That's not going to be enough, Cloud."

          He was still.  For a moment, Tifa was afraid he was angry with her, but the blond leader only nodded.  "...I know."

          It was quiet again.  Tifa stayed silent, giving Cloud his time to think.

          "...you love me?" he asked at last.  His voice seemed awfully uncertain, although it was obvious he tried to hide it.

          Tifa exhaled.  *Now or never...*  "Yes," she whispered, "I love you, Cloud."

          Cloud didn't speak.  Did he love her back?  He couldn't say so if he didn't, and those words...they were so huge.  They meant so much.  He had to be sure...

          Cloud went back, over the turmoil of emotions he'd experienced in the past five months.  Over the guilt of not being there.  Over the feeling of loss when he realized she was gone.  Over the fear and dread he'd never find her, or worse, find her dead...  The thought was enough to make his throat constrict and his stomach churn.

          He went over the exhilaration that had caught him and swept him away when he found her.  He recalled the staggering effects of the kiss they'd just shared a moment ago.

          He remembered...he remembered how much pleasure it had given him when he'd comforted her.  He'd forgotten in the excitement of Meteor's destruction, but he remembered now.

          And more than that...he just felt complete.  Tifa in his arms, close to his heart...

          "I love you too, Tifa," Cloud answered.  And words were right.

          Tifa smiled, joy showing through her entire body.  The moonlight shone in her eyes as she hugged Cloud tightly, laying her head on his chest.  Cloud pulled her closer again, and the pair stood there, swaying to the night rhythm of the ocean waves.

AN: And there's my two-part CloTi – also my break from my other multi-parts.  ^_^;;  To be honest, for a while I considered lengthening it (since two parts is pretty short), but I already have two multi-parts going on, plus there isn't as much to explain in Cloud/Tifa's since their past and connection and all that's already laid out during the game.

Well, please R&R!

Oh yes, a note to those who've read "Junon Interrogation" – Uh, I'm sorry, but I'm not planning for a sequel of that fic.  *ducks*  Wait wait!  I DO have a Rufus/Tifa multi-part in mind, and I'll start posting it once I'm done with at least one of my other multi-parts.

Started: September 17, 2002

Finished: September 18, 2002