This was a request from Axelr8r. Blame him, not me. Unbeta'd.
Normal= Thoughts
Italics= Hat
Sadiq Adnan- Turkey
Wow.
Eh?
You have no redeeming qualities. You're just kind of an asshole.
Take it back and I'll take you to my harem.
I'm a hat. I don't have a penis. SLYTHERIN!
Natalia Arlovskaya- Belarus
Oooh, a tough one.
What is so tough about me?
Your obsession with Ivan shows pure loyalty, yet borders on psychosis. But to be honest daring, your obsession is nothing a good vibrator wouldn't fix.
I WILL BURN YOU, STUPID HA-
SLYTHERIN! Ah, don't worry, I just wanted to see what you'd do if I said that.
Ludwig Beilschmidt- Germany
ADMIT YOUR FEELINGS, YOU MOTHER FUCKING FLUFF TEASE!
What?
WE ALL KNOW IT, WE ALL SHIP IT! NOW GO MARRY ITALY, OR WHATEVER'S LEGAL IN YOUR COUNTRIES! HUFFLEPUFF!
Gilbert Beilschmidt- Prussia
I AM ZE AWESOME PRUSSIA!
Your accent makes you sound gay.
NOT AWESOME! Hey, can you put me with America?
No.
What? Why?
I don't think your egos could fit in the same room.
SLYTHERIN!
Lukas Bondevik- Norway
Oh wow, Norway! Land of gnomes! And trolls!*
…
Oh, forget it. RAVENCLAW!
Angelique Bonnefoy- Seychelles
SPARKLYPOO!
What? That isn't even a house!
It's the Sue house.
I have about two lines in the anime. And hardly any of the non- Japanese fans have played Gauken Hetalia.
I know, but in this universe, we bend to the author's thoughts. And the author thinks you're a bitch.
Francis Bonnefoy- France
Do you know your military is technically the most successful?*
REALLY?
Yes. The only wars you've ever lost are the revolutions.
Technically don't I win those either way?
Exactly.
GRYFFINDOR!
Katyusha Braginskaya- Ukraine
I'm so glad I'm an immortal hat.
Why?
Because your brother can't kill me when I say you've got great tits.
HUFFLEPUFF!
Ivan Braginski- Russia
Become one with Mother Russia, da?
No. Go back to Russia.
But I am Russia, d-
In Soviet Russia, Soviet Russia in YOU!
SLYTHERIN!
Antonio Fernandez Carriedo- Spain
HUFFLEPUFF!
Don't you usually ask where I want to go? Or at least talk to me?
Yes, but you're practically the living embodiment of… Puffliness.
Kasem Chao- Thailand
Please keep me away from China.
RAVENCLAW!
Roderich Edelstein- Austria
The Science Show! PIANO! Whose idea was this?
Excuse me?
Don't Austrians have the internet?
Yes...
Then you should know what that is.
RAVENCLAW!
Raivis Galante- Latvia
Jums ir vai nu pārāk veltīta latviešu vai ir tā, jūs varat izlasīt šo. Tagad mīzt off.
Excuse me?
GRYFFINDOR!
Gupta Muhammad Hassan- Egypt
You're not going to talk to me, are you?
…
Thought not.
RAVENCLAW!
Elizabeta Hedervary- Hungary
Oooh, another tricky one. You're brave and rebellious, Gryffindor traits.
Ok…
But you're in denial and secretive, Slytherin traits.
Ok…
In your Hatafutte Parade you defend Austria, a Hufflepuff trait.
Ok…
And you are odd and dedicated, Ravenclaw traits.
Ok…
But overall, the author's a PruHun shipper so…
SLYTHERIN!
Kiku Honda- Japan
WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Excuse me?
Why do you see that* on acid?
Well, he is rather attractive. Oh, please keep me away from China.
RAVENCLAW!
Im Yong Soo- South Korea
Hats originated in Korea!
Umm... okay?
Wow, I've never had anyone agree with me before!
It's just that was random…
It's okay! One day, everyone will see that everything came from Korea. Therefore everything is owned by Korea. So everyone is one with Korea.
That's nuts, even for one of you lot.
I will claim everything! Even aniki… and his delectable breasts.
So you're brash, unsubtle, have a desire to rule the world, and are completely insane.
Pretty much.
GRYFFINDOR!
Alfred F. Jones- USA
GRYFFINDOR!
YES!
Idiot.
Heracles Karpusi- Greece
…
So… any requests?
…
Are you alright?
…
Are you even alive?
…Cats.
Oh for the love of... HUFFLEPUFF!
Arthur Kirkland- UK
Hello, good chap. Could you sort me into Gryffindor, please?
Why?
Umm… it's kind of the best house. And I'm really brave! My country has the best history!
Your country started when you were conquered by your worst enemy.
Yes, but…
Then you went all emo for 500 years and refused to do anything interesting.
Well, I had a good reason…
Then you played bottom to a bunch of nutters for three royal dynasties.
Hey! Henry VIII was scary!
Then you built a huge empire…
See!
Compensating for something, I'm sure…
OI!
Then you had to be bailed out of two wars by your former colony.
You're rather irritating, you know.
And you're not even a world power anymore.
People still listen to my opinion!
And to top all that, your weather's shit.
…I will burn you in your sleep.
Do you have any redeeming qualities?
I once murdered twelve men with a pork chop.
SLYTHERIN!
Peter Kirkland- Sealand
Put me with Jerkland and die.
GRYFFINDOR!
Mathias Kohler- Denmark
Purpose in anime: Non- Christmas related Nordic comic relief.
HEY! I resent that!
It's true though.
GRYFFINDOR!
Toris Laurinaitis- Lithuania
So Poland left you at the mercy of Russia, and you still honour him in your Marukaite Chikyuu.
Yep.
I can't tell if you're loyal, brave or stupid.
GRYFFINDOR!
Bastian Linden- Netherlands
So you don't like spending money, don't talk a lot, and is protective of your little sister.
Hum.
I'm surprised more people don't pair you with Switzy.
HUFFLEPUFF!
Bella Linden- Belgium
Do we know anything about you?
I enjoy playing with people's emotions, spending money and eating chocolate.
So… you're a bitch.
Pretty much.
GRYFFINDOR!
Feliks Lukasiewicz- Poland
Ewwww, you are like, totally grody, why do we have to do this anyway?
Hello, Poland.
OMGlikeWTF A TALKING HAT!
I'm actually surprised more people don't do that.
So, you talk like a Valley girl, are scared of Sweden, and handed over your best friend to your worst enemy and laughed. Sounds like you're more from Essex than Poland, but what the hell.
SLYTHERIN!
…Aren't you going to take me off now?
Huh? –Takes out headphones- did you like, say something, grody hat?
Go to the green table.
What? Eeeew, no, green like, totally clashes with my complexion!
I don't care.
I love it!
Don't you dare fucking sing.
Carlos Machado- Cuba
America is an asshole.
SLYTHERIN!
Berwald Oxenstierna- Sweden
-Oh Berwald, spank me harder-
ENOUGH!
RAVENCLAW!
(The Sorting Hat does not like yaoi)
Emil Steilsson- Iceland
Hello, I'm Iceland.
Hi. I'm a talking hat.
I'm a new character.
Okay…
I enjoy talking to puffing and my home is full of volcanoes that sound like Ricky Martin songs.*
You should hook up with that Lovegood girl sometime. RAVENCLAW!
An Tru Vuong- Vietnam
America is an asshole. Please don't put me with China.
SLYTHERIN!
Tino Vainamoinen- Finland
FEED THE WORLD! LETS THEM KNOW IT'S CHRISTMAS TIME, YEAH!
Shit, that's loud. Don't you ever think about anything else?
-Oh, Berwald, spank me harder-
ENOUGH! NOT AGAIN!
You asked.
RAVENCLAW!
Feliciano Vargas- North Italy
Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Doitsu Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Doitsu Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Doitsu Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta
Anything other than pasta?
Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Doitsu Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Doitsu Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Doitsu Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta
Umm… HUFFLEPUFF!
Lovino Vargas- South Italy
Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Bastard Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Bastard Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Bastard Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato
At least you're rather simple.
MOTHER FUCKING BASTARD HAT Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Bastard Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Bastard Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Bastard Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato
SLYTHERIN!
Eduard von Bock- Estonia
Hello.
Hi. Wow, you're difficult, yet so easy to sort.
I know. Very little is known about me apart from I was once part of the Soviet Union and I am the least interesting Baltic. And mochis and computers.
RAVENCLAW!
Kaoru Wang- Hong Kong
…
Please, not another one that doesn't think.
… Just keep me away from China and Britain.
Why? They seem awfully fond of you…Oh.
Exactly.
RAVENCLAW!
Yao Wang- China
Ravenclaw, please, aru.
No.
WHAT? I need to protect my siblings, aru!
I've had a request to keep you away. From several people, actually. Well, apart from one…
Please put me with them, then, aru.
Are you sure?
Why?
No reason. GRYFFINDOR!
STUPID FUCKING HAT, ARU!
ANIKI! YOUR BREASTS ARE MINE, DA ZE~!
Matthew Williams- Canada
I feel sorry for you.
What?
Having that idiot as a brother.
I know. He's quite irritating, really.
Meh. Any preference?
Not Gryffindor.
Alfred?
Alfred.
Not Hufflepuff then… Slytherin maybe...
No thanks. Arthur'll probably try to become an empire again if you put me there.
He should see someone about his compensation issues.
Excuse me?
Private joke. RAVENCLAW!
Mei-Mei Xiao- Taiwan
Please don't put me with China.
You're the fifth person to ask me that today, you know.
It's not surprising. He is 4000 years old.
Aren't you all technically immortal and ageless?
Four. Thousand. Years. Old.
Good point. RAVENCLAW!
Basch Zwingili- Switzerland
Oh, so it's you!
What is?
Ask Japan what happens when he takes acid.
What the f-
HUFFLEPUFF!
Lilli Zwingili- Lichtenstein
Please don't put me with-
Yeah, China. I know by now.
Actually, I was going to say Switzerland.
Really?
Yeah. I don't like the way he looks at me. It's kind of creepy.
You should talk to the Asians. They probably have a great support network for people like you.
Thanks. I'll take you up on that.
No problem. RAVENCLAW!
Yay! Done!
1- Lyric from the Book of Mormon.
2- This is actually true.
3- Reference to the Yo Ho Ho, Tra La La Scene.
4- An Icelandic volcano, Eyjafjallajökull, sounds awesome when sung to the tune of Livin' La Vida Loca.
Bye from DBM. Peace out.