Showers

Traynor couldn't stand it any more. The showers in the women's restrooms were just dreadful! They ran hot, then cold, then hot, with no apparent setting in between of nicely warm but not scalding. They worked at either a dribble or full blast. The floor was too smooth, making slipping over a constant hazard and the soap dispenser was programmed to dispense enough soap to clean not one person, but an entire hockey team at once.

And so, on a day when Shepard was caught up in a full afternoon of diplomatic meetings and conferences, Traynor finally decided to do what she had been longing to do ever since that quiet afternoon when she'd played chess with Shepard.

She was going to sneak into her quarters and use her shower.

After double, then triple checking the afternoon's schedule, Traynor discretely excused herself from her station, certain that she wouldn't be gone for more than fifteen minutes tops. She swung by her quarters, grabbed a towel and change of undergarments, a sachet of her favourite body lotion, and made for the elevator.

The first problem was one she had anticipated. When she hit the button for Shepard's cabin, EDI politely informed her that Shepard was in the Comm room.

She didn't even try to talk her way around EDI. Lies would get her nowhere, since every single conversation that went on in the ship was recorded by the AI. So she couldn't claim that Shepard had given her permission to use her shower, or that she was just taking some random item or datapad up to leave for Shepard to attend to later. Nope, bribery was the order of the day.

"I need to use Shepard's shower," she said flatly. "And if you let me, without alerting any of the crew, then I'll buy you some lingerie." The AI had expressed intense confusion at the concept of lacy undergarments the last time she and Traynor had spent an evening talking, stating that they were far less practical and comfortable that more robust cotton models, and Traynor had finally suggested that EDI get herself some pieces and try them out on Joker. The ongoing war and an endless list of other interruptions had meant that the intended shopping trip had never happened, but EDI's curiosity hadn't dimmed.

"You are attempting to bribe me?" EDI asked, her tone unchanged from its usual even temper, so it was impossible to know whether she was offended or not.

"Um… yes?" Traynor said hopefully… and was relieved when the elevator started moving.

"Your offer is acceptable," EDI said evenly. "I will not alert any of the crew."

The doors opened soon after and Traynor slipped quietly into the cabin, glancing around furtively to make sure no one else was around… okay, so the paranoia was ridiculous – who else was going to be sneaking around in Shepard's quarters? – but it was also irrepressible. The cabin was empty, so Traynor headed quickly for the shower.

Shepard kissed Kaidan fiercely as they stumbled towards her cabin. A proton storm had knocked out communications for a half hour or so, a welcome break to an afternoon full of political drudgery, and she'd been quick to request a 'private meeting' with the Major. When they'd entered the elevator they'd been all business, discussing the chart on the datapad that Kaidan held, throwing in choice phrases about this General or that platoon… but the instant the doors closed, they'd been in each other's arms, lips locked together, hands diving beneath clothing…

"Shower?" Shepard suggested mischievously as they all but fell through her door. Kaidan's hands on her breasts were deliciously distracting, and she couldn't wait to see him, naked and soapy, slick skin against her own…

"Shower," he agreed, hitting the button to open the bathroom door-

"Eeeep!"

"Aahhhh!"

Kaidan had his gun out, pointing it at a wet, naked Traynor before he'd registered who it actually was. Shepard gaped at the Specialist, who stood there in shock for a long moment, before regaining the presence of mind to grab a towel and cover herself with it.

Unfortunately, given that she was still in the shower with the water running, the towel was quickly drenched, clinging to her curves in a rather suggestive way… Traynor flushed bright red, her eyes locked onto Shepard, sure she was about to be thrown off the ship. Before they docked at the next space station.

"I can explain…" she hedged, seeing the livid rage growing in Shepard's face. "I spilled cocoa powder all through my hair, and the faucets in the women's bathroom are too low to rinse it out properly…"

But in the next instant, Shepard slapped Kaidan hard across the face, and Traynor glanced at him for the first time. And noticed that he hadn't taken his eyes off her since the moment the door had opened. And God, she hoped that tent in his pants had been there before he had opened the door. He wrenched his gaze away from Traynor, and began backing away from a very angry Commander. "Shepard… I didn't… Oh, come on, I wasn't…"

Shepard followed him, a panther stalking a wary deer, and the door slid shut as they moved out of range of the sensor.

"You weren't what?" Shepard asked, her voice a silky threat, audible even through the metal. "You weren't staring at another naked woman while your girlfriend was right next to you?"

"No! Well, maybe, but… No, Shepard, I was just… startled…"

Traynor winced and hastily shut off the water, pulling on her clothes despite still being wet. If she was quick, she just might manage to sneak out of the cabin while Shepard was still distracted with yelling at Kaidan. Not that she wanted him to take the blame for her, but she promised herself she'd make it up to him later.

A year's supply of the best whiskey she could find, maybe?

A particularly loud curse filtered through the door, and she cautiously slid it open and poked her head out. Kaidan and Shepard were at the far end of the cabin, and she didn't stop to listen to what was being said. She just scampered out and around the corner, not caring about the trail of water she was leaving behind.

"Thanks a lot, EDI," she griped as the elevator made its way down to the lower floors. "You could have warned me. Or them."

"You requested that I should not inform any of the crew of your location," EDI pointed out, and Traynor was sure she could hear a hint of amused irony through the even tones. "I was merely adhering to the terms of our agreement."

Artificial intelligence, my ass, Traynor thought as the elevator doors opened to let her out. Quantum computing, access to vast amounts of information from every species in existence, and the Normandy's computer still had the worst sense of humor in the entire galaxy.