Guilt and Secrets

Summary: 1-shot in Dean's POV. As he waits to see the outcome of his choice to save Sam, he reflects on several things while knowing how many things could go wrong by what he allowed to happen. Secrets are never good between them but Dean can only hope this one isn't the one that will cost him everything. *Worried/concerned/angsty!Dean* SPOILERS! Spoilers for 09x01-I Think I'll Like It Here so be aware!

Warnings: None except for language and that's minor.

Spoilers: Since this is written the night it aired this will contain a few spoilers so if you haven't seen the episode yet, maybe wait to read this one until you have.

Tags/Coda: 09x01:I Think I'll Like It Here.

Disclaimer: I don't own anything & this is written just for the enjoyment for fans.

Author Note: I wasn't sure if I'd get anything from the first episode and might do another one once I think on it more. I enjoyed this episode even if it made me cry a few times. I'm torn between wanting to slap or hug Dean because I get why he did it & just hope it doesn't come back to bite him too badly.

This does contain spoilers since while I try to avoid those it was hard in this case so readers may want to wait to read until you've seen it and I tried to keep too many spoilers out of the summary. Enjoy and look me up on Facebook under morgana07.

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'There is nothing I'd put in front of you.'

I also suppose that means there's nothing I wouldn't do to save him either. Ever since we were kids I've been prone to doing whatever it took to save Sammy from whatever it might be.

I've stood up to school bullies including a few that Sam didn't even know about but the thing with bullies is they like to brag and my ears were sharp for any kind of talk that included my little brother's name. I was suspended from more schools over fighting than poor grades than Sam ever knew and that was just one of many secrets that I still carry.

Guilt and secrets became a firm part of the lies I used to make myself into the man I've become. I grew up keeping secrets from Sam ever since I was old enough to understand what our Dad really did and what happened in our house the night it burned.

I grew up carrying the guilt of lying to those big hazel eyes more times than I told him the truth but keeping things from Sam kept him safe, or as safe as I could make him considering the lives we led, and I guess no matter how much I try to change that, no matter how many times I say no more secrets…it'll never happen because if it means protecting Sam, keeping him alive then I'll force this new secret down and hope it doesn't eat away at me before I feel it's safe to tell him.

Sam's been sleeping beside me in the Impala much like he's done since being old enough to ride shotgun with me behind the wheel.

If someone would just look in from a passing car they'd assume the kid was just asleep from a long car ride. It would take someone who knew the truth or a long look at the still visible shadows under his sunken eyes to see that my brother still looks sick.

They'd think Sammy was battling a flu bug or something normal. No one would ever see the truth or know the reason behind the worry and guilt I'm burying again before he hopefully wakes up because no one knows how close I've come to losing my brother again or what's been going on.

No one in the normal 9-to-5 world would ever look at my 6'4" big eyed, big hearted little brother to know how close he came to shutting Hell and it's only about cost him his life…again. No one also would be able to look at him now and know what I did to save him…again.

I've been told that selling my soul to save Sam back in Cold Oak was the riskiest thing I've ever done for him or maybe the stupidest if one considers the chain of events that kicked off. I never considered it either since to me it was save my brother or face my own death because I meant it when I said that there ain't no me if there ain't no him.

Selling my soul cost me forty years in Hell that I never fully recovered him. Saving him this time feels a lot like that except it wasn't my soul or my life that I'm messing with. It's his.

Doing rash and desperate things for Sam is something I grew up doing and this time was no different. Not closing the gates and finishing the trials hurt Sam in ways that modern medicine couldn't cure. He was in a coma surviving on machines and very close to giving in and dying.

Do I think after all he'd been through that maybe Sam deserves the peace of death? That he's fought and struggled and saved the damn world enough for fifty lifetimes and should be allowed to crossover to where there's endless libraries and computers and everything my geeky tech-loving little brother would want in 'his' Heaven?

Yeah, I do. I do wish that for him. I…want that for him. But wanting, wishing and actually being able to let him go to have those things are very different things. Maybe it's still that part of me that Dad trained to 'look after Sammy' or I'm too much of a damn coward to face going on without my little brother, my best friend, riding shotgun beside me…because I couldn't let him go that easily.

I hadn't known then that Cas had lost his Grace but I made the choice to send the open prayer out and took the risk of whatever showed up. Of course I also didn't know then that Cas had become enemy number one to a lot of the fallen Angels so I supposed I should've expected some pissed off ex-winged Warriors of the Lord to come calling.

The one I finally got, Ezekial, saved my ass and I thought he could save Sam but of course it's just the luck of the Winchesters to get an Angel that was hurt during the fall and didn't have all his mojo working. I also hadn't been aware of just how bad Sammy really was or how desperate he was to let go until I got a glimpse and the panic surged like it hadn't except in Cold Oak when I chose to bargain my soul for the boy I'd been taking care of since he was six months old.

I can blame the panic, the pain I was in from just having the hell kicked outta me by a couple pissed off ex-Halos but in the end…I made the choice I did because I was scared to lose him. I was scared to face going on alone.

Ezekial, okay I'm nicknaming him Zeke probably, admitted that he was hurt too bad and Sam was too weak to save him the normal way. When I learned that Death had decided to make an appearance that rocketed up the panic level to a totally different level because when the Angel of Death himself comes to collect a soul it's big but of course I honestly would've been more surprised if he had sent Tessa or another Reaper for Sam.

Not that I was willing to let go that easy even if I knew in my heart what Sam would want…what my brother deserved after all the pain and crap he'd been put through the last nine years since leaving Stanford with me after Jessica died.

Knowing what Sam deserved, what you'd want and also what he wouldn't want was clear but the pain and hurt even at the thought of losing him, of never hearing him argue with me over something stupid or shoot me one of the infinite number of bitchfaces he made up over the years broke my resolve to not do the one thing the Angel said may work.

I knew Sam would never say yes to anything, Angel or demon, possessing him. I knew that and…I still let Ezekial use me to get Sam to say yes to fighting to live, to stay with me.

My 'there ain't no me if there ain't no you' line was said from the heart because it was the truth and it served to let Sam know what I'd probably do if he went with Death and crossed over.

He trusted me to have a plan to save him. He trusted me to know what was right for him. He trusted me when he said yes to staying. He trusted me and…I tricked him because by saying yes, that also gave Ezekial the ability to slip into Sam's body to heal him from the inside while also using my brother to heal himself.

Trusting any being, especially an Angel, to be inside my little brother isn't something I take lightly and I've come up with a list as long as Sam's arm as to why this will probably backfire in my face before the end but to save Sam it was my last option.

Leaving the hospital, it was weird to see how awkward or stiff the body of my brother walked beside me and I seriously did not like to hear the stilted tone and know it wasn't Sam in control but it was the risk I'd chosen to save him. A risk I hope works out and doesn't end up costing me more than what I would've lost originally.

Zeke, yeah that's the nickname I'm sticking with, said he could make sure Sam didn't remember anything after he passed out in my arms at the Church. That's the other part that's bothering me now. I'd never planned to not tell Sam about his angelic tagalong because I'd promised no more secrets but…I also know my brother and the angel was right.

The second Sam finds out about this he will pitch a fit bigger than he did that one time when Dad wouldn't let him play soccer or when Dad tried to forbid him from going to college and he could expel Zeke before it's safe for him to.

Lying to Sam has never been easy but it's also something I've been doing nearly all his life. I hate it and the guilt will drive me nuts until I find a safe way to tell him or he'd healed enough that the angel can leave…and that makes me push back one of those huge worries that could bite me in the ass but now I hear Sam starting to move and it's time for the guilt and secrets to go behind the wall I built with the very first lie I ever told my big eyed innocent brother and hope I can still pull this off for both out sakes.

The bruises and shadows are still there but I know until he starts to heal more that he'll be weak but as I look him in the face and tell him that he proved me wrong again, that there's nothing he can't do, I don't miss the look of gratitude and trust reflected back at me and I wonder what level of Hell will take me when I die for not blinking an eye as I lie to the last person I have left that I would do anything, including lie, to save.

"We've got work to do," Sam said that to me the night in Stanford as hunting drew him back in to the fold and I'm relieved that he doesn't seem to remember anything past seeing the angels fall.

He's still shaky but his voice is Sam's and as I look into those eyes I see my little brother. I don't see anything of the Angel that had better be healing my brother like he said he would and that's another relief because while dealing with Sam while soulless was weird, I don't like talking to my brother's face while someone else was in control.

I did that once and also remember the night I swore to never allow an Angel any kind of control over Sam but I have to trust Cas's opinion on this guy and believe he'll keep his word because while I was willing to do whatever it took to save Sam I'm also willing to do whatever I have to if I have to protect him from my own rash choices too.

Sam stayed awake long enough to get half a burger and shake down and now has moved closer to me to use my shoulder as a pillow; something else he was fond of doing as a skinny gawky kid and while normally I'd roll my eyes or make some smart ass comment I don't.

I'd come too close to losing him to not want to have him close enough to feel, to know he was breathing on his own and hope when it comes to the time I have to tell him the truth that he understands and doesn't hate me any more than I'll hate myself.

Secrets and guilt have been huge in my life when it comes to Sammy but it's been a long time since I've kept anything this big from him and even though I did it for him or I'll tell myself that, it's never easy to lock more guilt inside when I was hoping this would be a fresh start for us after all the pain and stress.

"I'm going to make this better, Sammy. Trust me one more time to bring you through this," I tell him softly but know he doesn't hear me which is for the best as I try to relax with the worry of what I have in our trunk, what Kevin's doing or if he's still at the bunker and what in the hell Cas is doing now that he's human.

Fallen angels, and the King of Hell in the trunk means we save the world again but for me the most important thing is sleeping next to me because no matter what else we face, the amount of guilt I bury or the secrets I keep Sam is what is important and what I'll save first…even if he hates me for the next little while.

The End

A/NII: Thanks for reading and I hope you enjoyed this short piece.