A/N: I don't have the patience at the moment to re-write the whole Jemily story (maybe another time) so I decided to just do the important parts. Will probably be several chapters, not sure how many at the moment. Let me know what you think. Reviews are the soothing tonic that feed my muse ;)

Chapter: Fire and Truth
Rated: T (Language)
Paring: Emily/JJ

Disclaimer: I don't CM or the characters.

"Tell me!" I closed my eyes against the harsh demand, wishing I could go back a mere few minutes and erase this moment from time. I felt her move towards me and opened my eyes to meet fiery blue orbs, trained on me expectantly.

"I can't Jen. I know that's not what you want to hear, but that's all I have." I tried to think the words through before I spoke them but I knew nothing short of those three words would placate her. A ragged sob broke from her throat and hung in the air for a second before shattering my heart completely. How could I adequately explain to her that, while I did love her; so much, that I just wasn't ready to tell her that? That in telling her, I was drawing her in only to have her heart broken. I didn't intend to but I probably would. I just wasn't good in relationships. Our tryst had already gone further than I ever had any intentions of letting it.

"Why?" That one word almost broke me. Tears ran down her cheeks in ragged streams, marking her sun kissed skin red and blotchy. My lips twitched as I struggled to keep myself under control.

"Because I don't trust myself with you," I breathed. "I'm not good for you." The air was still and thick and I wondered if my voice had carried through the tension. I opened my mouth again when I was cut off by the loud clatter of something hitting the floor. I looked up to see JJ gripping the table, her knuckles white from exertion and an angry scowl marring her beautiful features. I imagined that if she could, she'd rather be slapping me right now.

"That's not for you to decide," she hissed. My hand rubbed over my face quickly, frustration seeping from my very pores.

"If it means you'll get hurt it is. I don't want that." She grimaced but didn't back down. I tried to put myself in her place. What must she be thinking? If it was a mistake giving me her heart? I hoped not, but I knew it was a very real possibility. She advanced on me, no malicious intent in her eyes, just the need to understand. My subconscious mind made a split second decision; without consultation and unwelcomed, and my walls flew up. She must have seen my eyes dim for she stopped and sighed. Panic welled in my chest and I did the only thing that I knew I was capable of: I ran.

I grabbed my jacket and my keys and bolted out the front door; well aware I was fleeing my own apartment. As I turned the engine of my Lexus over I cursed my stupidity. That, however, didn't stop me from shifting into drive and peeling out of the car park. For an hour I blindly drove the through the sun drench streets; ignoring the shrill ringing in my pocket. When I reached my unknown destination I sarcastically congratulated myself for turning into my father. I glared at the dingy bar as if it had somehow drawn me here against my will but didn't stop myself from exiting the car and walking into the unsavoury establishment.

"What can I get ya, little lady?" The slightly condescending question did nothing for my mood. I scowled at the greasy haired barman and growled out my order. He raised an eyebrow and grumbled something under his breath but reached for the bottle of whiskey and a clean glass. As he finished pouring the double, I indicated he should leave the bottle. He grunted in surprise but did as I asked before stomping away to serve an extremely inebriated man. I knocked the thin liquor back, grimacing at the cheap bitter taste and poured another one. Before my thoughts could wander too far down the path of self-loathing another round of piercing ringing drew my attention. I pulled the device from my pocket, fully expecting JJ's name to be displayed on the small screen but to my surprise I saw Garcia was calling.

"P.G? You okay?"

"Don't play innocent with me missy. I may love you but it's not going to wash with me." I set my jaw and took a mouthful of the spirit.

"JJ rang you." It wasn't a question, I already knew the answer.

"Whether she did or didn't doesn't matter. All that matters is you get your ass back to your apartment and fix things." I sighed heavily.

"Pen, it's not that simple-"

"Not that simple my ass. Just because you're scared of getting hurt doesn't mean you can break that poor girl's heart…" I tuned the rest of it out, my vision blurring slightly as my stomach boiled in rage.

"I'm scared of getting hurt? Did she tell you that?" I interrupted Garcia. "Or are you just assuming that must be my motivation. Do you really not know me at all Garcia? I would do everything I can to avoid hurting her, even if it meant giving my life. I would do it without a second thought and a damn smile on my face if I thought for one second I could spare her any pain." I took a breath after my outburst, ignoring the scrutiny of the other patrons in the bar. Most turned back to their drinks quickly, finding them much more satisfying than an outraged woman. I sunk the rest of the drink and filled the glass again.

"I didn't- . I mean, I didn't know."

"Yes you did Pen. I understand your loyalty to Jennifer, I do. I'm just trying to do what's right. I will hurt her. Eventually. I always hurt people." My voice trailed off to a hoarse whisper as I took another long gulp, the bitter aftertaste dissipating slightly with the more I drank.

"Why did you just leave though? She is worried. You won't answer her calls." I snorted harshly.

"I didn't answer any calls; I was driving. Safety and all that."

"Don't be glib with me young lady!" I smirked at the high-pitched admonishment.

"Pen, look. I know you care, but really I'm doing this for the best. I promise. I hate it just as much as you do." She scoffed down the line.

"I doubt that. Look, just don't give up. You might be proved wrong and in thirty years' time when you're happily married to your beautiful girlfriend I'll be telling you I told you so." My heart clenched painfully at the thought. Being married to JJ was everything I could ever want and everything I could never have.

"She not my girlfriend Pen."

"Fine, your incredibly girlfriend-like fuck buddy. That better?" I laughed in spite of myself.

"It's not gonna happen P.G. I gotta go now." I hung up without waiting for her answer, her arguments only helping to solidify the agony burning through my chest. I poured another large measure and settled back into the bar stool, intent on drinking myself numb. Half an hour later I was well on my way to being successful when a familiar body slid onto the seat next to me.

"Is it helping?" I glanced at my partner and best friend as he gestured to the glass in my hand.

"It's not hurting." I smiled thinly. "Yet." I added with an empty bark of laughter that I hardly felt.

"I think you've had enough, don't you Princess?" I glared at him for daring to tell me my own limits.

"Not nearly enough, Derek. I still know who I am." He sighed and rolled his eyes.

"And that will make everything better?" I grumbled at his sarcasm but otherwise didn't answer, knowing my response wouldn't be enough to satisfy him. "Look, I get it Emily. You're your own worst enemy. But trust me when I say, pushing her away isn't the answer."

"And what is?" I questioned tersely. "Huh? Let this carry on until you all realise that I'm a cold callous bitch? That I'm a monster? By then you've all been under the pretence I'm something else far too long and it hurts all the more. No! It's better this way. Better to know now." I rested my head on my crossed arms and leant on the bar, ignoring the fact the wooden surface felt sticky to the touch.

"Oh Princess," Morgan groaned softly. "You're none of those things. I don't what has happened in your past-"

"No you don't," I emphasised with a bitter laugh. "None of you know anything." I lifted my head and glared at him before reaching into my pocket and pulling out my wallet. I slapped my card down on the bar and indicated to the slimy barman to ring up my bill. He took the card before sliding the machine over to me. I paid for the bottle and stumbled to my feet, twisting to pull on my jacket as I walked towards the door. "I'm going home now."

"You are not driving, baby girl. Get in my car." I giggled through my drink-induced haze.

"You creeper. That's such a bad line." He raised an eyebrow but said nothing, instead holding the passenger door open for me. I huffed childishly but got in the car anyway. When he was sat in car with me I turned to him slowly. "How did you find me anyway?" He smirked.

"Garcia called me. She got your location from your cell." I frowned.

"How dare she? That an invasion of privacy!" I spluttered angrily.

"It's for your own good Princess. Getting wrecked then driving home? Not good for a federal agent, is it?" I disregarded the logic in his statement and continued my rant.

"I would've called a cab, I'm not stupid. I don't your help. I don't need anyone's help. I'm fine." I watched his hands tighten on the steering wheel and in a flash I was back in the apartment, watching Jennifer's knuckles fade from an angry red to deathly white. I saw the rage and the fear in her eyes and suddenly that fear was reflected in my soul. "Oh god, I've lost her haven't I?" Derek glanced over at me and cursed before pulling off the road. He turned to face me and I saw sympathy warring with irritation in his chocolate orbs.

"Would you blame her if she had left?" I shook my head. "You're too stubborn for your own good Prentiss. We all have demons; things in our past that we think make us unworthy or incapable of love. But I know you Emily. You're a good person. And that girl loves the bones of you. She won't care what you've done or what's been done to you, as long as you tell her. She won't get scared and leave. Trust her." I shook my head, dislodging errant tears that fell onto my jacket.

"I know that. God, I know that. But there are things in my past that won't forget. They will come for me and when they do, I'm better off not having ties. God, if they got Jen I'd-" A sob broke off my ramble. Inwardly I cursed the drink for reducing me to a babbling mess of tears but I could do nothing as Derek wrapped his muscular arms around me and I cried out my fears on his black tee. After a little while I sat back, fingers swiping at mostly dried tracks on cheeks that burned scarlet with embarrassment. "You mention this to anyone and I will shoot you in the boys." I gestured to his crotch with a nod.

"Got it," he agreed quickly whilst making a zipping motion over his lips. I smirked as he put the truck into drive and carried on the journey to my home. I jumped out as soon as he had parked in the designated plot; eager to be out of the small space. "I think she's still there." He commented through his open window. I glanced up to where I knew my windows where and sure enough they were eliminated softly against the ever dimming sky. I took a steadying breath before thanking Derek and making my way into the building. The lift felt suffocating as it rode slowly up to the selected floor and after the quiet ding I stepped out gratefully. I slipped the key into the lock and opened my door, unsure what to expect.

Silence greeted me; thick and deafening so I closed the door just for the noise it would make and moved into the living room. My eyes were drawn to a small figure curled on the couch; spine resting against the arm, her head leant on the soft fabric of the back, eyes closed and chest rising and falling softly. I stepped quietly to the other end of the sofa and took a second to just stare at the sleeping women. She looked so peaceful; the lines from a few hours ago smoothed out, her lips fuller, her complexion back to the warm golden colour I was used to. Reality hit me hard. I worried at my bottom lip for a moment then made a decision I hoped I wouldn't come to regret.

I walked slowly into my bedroom and crouched in front of a cabinet; opening it gently. I entered the safe combination and held my breath as I took out the brown envelope containing my past. A dangerous mixture of emotions ran through me but I pushed them down with a well-practiced ferocity and strode back into the living room. Jennifer was where I left her, still encompassed in sleeps comforting embrace. I set to work laying out the various documents on the coffee table, creating a vague timeline of the players in my surreptitious life history. Just as I was finishing Jennifer stirred, her gaze settling on the door despondently before she realised I was in the room with her. I felt her scrutiny in my very soul and for the first time, willed myself to be completely open with her.

"Where did you go?" Her sleep-laced voice crackled and rasped but it sounded heavenly to me.

"To clear my head." I took a breath, summoning the courage I needed to go through with this. "I never meant to hurt you. I never even intended to let you get this close." She opened her mouth to counter but I held up my hand. "But I did. I just couldn't help myself. You were everything I'd ever wanted and you wanted me too. Without conditions. That knowledge was addictive and I let myself get swept away by it; and now we're here." I licked my dry lips and pulled in some air to steady my frayed nerves.

"I know- I know I don't deserve you. Your patience, your understanding or your love. And you are far too good to be burdened with me. With this." I gestured to the papers on the table. Jennifer looked them over for the first time, confusion clear in her crystal blue orbs. "I trust you, but there are things you need to know about me; where I've been, what I've done, that will help you make up your mind." I sat back on my heels and waited for her reaction.

"What is this?" She asked quietly. I could see her mind working overtime, trying to piece together everything laid out for her. She shuffled forward and picked up a sheet that had my picture on it. It was black and white but you could see the hair was lighter than mine; softer in cut and style.

"That is Lauren." Uncertainty swam in her azure eyes. "Before working in the FBI, I was with Interpol. I volunteered for an undercover job to track down a man who was, amongst other things, an arms dealer. The ultimate goal was 'Valhalla' and the person that could lead me to him was Ian Doyle." I shifted over another leaf that had his details on it. Thick black lines blocked out a lot of the information but all the relevant pieces remained. "I was styled to be his perfect woman. I knew how to act, what to say; everything to entice him. It worked. He and Lauren became lovers." Jennifer's head snapped up, anger flashing across her face.

"You slept with him for a job?" She growled. I swallowed hard.

"No. Well, yes, technically. But it wasn't me. Lauren slept with him. Lauren fell in love with him." I tore my gaze away from the furious woman in front of me and began picking at the soft skin around my nail beds.

"How could you fall in love with this?" She jabbed a finger at the faded picture.

"I didn't," I argued. I wasn't sure how I was expecting this conversation to go, but I had anticipated the anger at this particular point. I knew she would struggle to wrap her head around the concept of becoming someone else and having them fall in love with him.

"You just said you did. You were Lauren. She's not a completely different person." Her words stung and I bristled at the feeling.

"She is. I am nothing like her. Until you have been through the same situation you can't understand," irritation seeping into my voice.

"I wouldn't have fallen in love with a killer."

"You already did." I burst. Her mouth hung open slightly and her cheeks flushed red. "If I am Lauren, then you have fallen in love with a killer. We had to build her reputation to match his. She went through the lower ranks, dropping them like flies when she was done with them. Took their information then killed them, moving onto the next one easily. She used every advantage she had as a woman and she did so without second thought." I had moved slowly across the floor until I was kneeling in front of her; hands clenched into fist, hanging uselessly at my side. "If I am her, that's who you fell in love with." Jennifer's mouth was held open in a small 'o' of disbelief, the only sounds were my ragged breaths and the soft ticking of a clock on the mantle.

"Why did you go?" She asked after a few minutes of silence. I glanced curiously at her, wondering which moment she was referring to; my volunteering for the job or my leaving the apartment. "Why would you take this?" She clarified with a sweep of her hand over the table.

"Because I had nothing left to live for. I wasn't expecting to come out of it alive." I stated quietly. She met my eyes, sadness swirling amongst cobalt.

"Why did you then?" In my head I saw a little boy with short wavy blond hair, deep blue eyes and a cheeky grin that instantly lightened my heart.

"There was a little boy; Declan. I couldn't let him grow up like his dad. Of course no one knew he was Ian's son, and I wasn't about to tell my handler. The things they would've done to him just to get at Doyle-" A shudder ran through me. "So I got him out and hid him. He saved me really." I trailed off, my voice paper thin by the end. I felt warm arms wrap around me, pulling me into a tender embrace.

"I'm so sorry Em." Her breath washed over my ear and neck, tickling the fine hairs there. I relaxed into her for a second before straightening up. She moved back slightly, a frown furrowing her brow.

"So, now you know. Now you see why I don't deserve you, why I can't-"

"You think this is enough to push me away?" I sighed and rubbed a hand over my forehead.

"He isn't dead. He's in a Russian prison. If he were to ever get out, or if he sent anyone after me; they would find you. They would hurt you just to punish me. I couldn't bear that." A cold anger gripped her face.

"You're basing your future on a 'what if' scenario? He might not ever get out. He might die in that prison. Hell, he might even already be dead." I flinched at the harsh tone.

"He's alive." I stared at the picture of him on the now slightly crumpled paper; willing my statement to be a lie, willing him to drop dead at that moment. "I understand if you want to discontinue our trysts based on this information. I also appreciate that this is a lot to absorb so feel free to take as much time as you need." I stood up, hating the formal-laced tone I was using. Jennifer jumped at the suddenness of the moment but rose as well.

"I-" Her mouth opened and closed a few times before she glanced towards the door. I waved a hand to indicate she was free to leave then turned to the table to start cleaning up the scattering of papers. I felt more than saw her move to the door and bit my cheek to keep the unwanted tears stinging the back of my eyes at bay. "I'm sorry." The whisper floated to me softly followed by her rushed footsteps as she left my apartment. I slid to the floor and gave up fighting the tears, allowing them to finally fall.

-x-

After a few hours of trying to sleep, tossing and turning in sweat soaked sheets, I admitted defeat and padded into the kitchen, switching the coffee machine on as I passed it. As I walked around the table my little toe caught a sharp edge and I cursed quietly. Bending down, I picked up the offending object and realised it was the thing Jennifer had knocked over earlier. I turned it over in my hands, studying the small wooden paper weight. It was designed to look like a Rubik's Cube and was a joke from a friend a long time ago. I set it down on the table and moved to pour out my coffee. After taking a large swig I set to doing something constructive. I passed the docking station with my iPod already set up and selected an energetic playlist before picking an area of the room and sorting out the clutter.

Three hours later I had an extremely tidy apartment and had managed to vent my frustrations at several inanimate objects. I shuffled to the bathroom and forced myself in the shower; going through the motions despite my near exhaustion. I managed a bite of toast for breakfast and another two mugs of coffee before I caught a taxi to the dive bar I left my car at. I grimaced at the building quickly then drove into work.

I glanced at JJ's office door as I entered the bull pen and saw the blinds almost shut and the door closed; the international signal for 'Leave me the hell alone'. With a sigh I made another coffee, my sixth of the day so far, and settled down with a large stack of case files.

"What time were you in, Princess?" I turned my palm to face the ceiling and shrugged an answer. I felt his frown across the short distance but kept my gaze on the file I was working on. "Okay," he drawled, dragging out the 'a' for a second. "How'd things go with Blondie last night?" I grunted a reply, my pen still scratching across the paper. "Is that why she's been staring at you for the last five minutes?" My head snapped up so fast I should've had whiplash and glared at him before swivelling my regard to the blinds of her office. I watched them twitch then close completely and let out a sigh. A glance at the clock told me I had been in for nearly two hours. I wanted to march up to her office and question her scrutiny, why she was staring at me so intently like I was a museum exhibit, but I knew I had to wait for her make the first move. At twelve thirty that move came.

"Agent Prentiss? Can I see you for a second?" I spun around quickly at her voice and nodded. I gathered my courage, what little I could muster around the nerves jangling in my stomach, and took measured strides up the steps to her door. She sat behind her desk as I shut the door and I tried not to over think the fact she wanted a barrier between us. I stood waiting for her to say something, but when no words were forthcoming I shifted uncomfortably.

"You wanted to speak to me?" She bobbed her head and indicated to the chair next to me. My back remained ramrod straight as I perched on the edge of the seat, the silence grating on me worse than any amount of shouting ever could.

"I shouldn't have left last night." The words startled me slightly, both in volume and intent.

"I understand why you did. You don't have to explain-"

"No, don't defend my actions. You laid bare an enormous part of your life and I acted like a selfish brat." I let out a breath I didn't realise I had been holding and met her eyes fully for the first time. I almost gasped at the compassion I found there. "I handled the situation incorrectly. I know that. I'm sorry." I shook my head vehemently at her admission and request for forgiveness.

"You handled it how I would expect anyone to handle it, Jen. You haven't done anything wrong." She tilted her head to the side, contemplating me for a long while.

"Why do you do that?" She asked eventually. I frowned in confusion, about to ask what it was I do when she continued. "Why do you always defend me? You remove any and all blame from me. I'm not perfect Em; I deserve everything I lay on myself." I shuffled forward, passion burning in my chest.

"You are perfect. Maybe not other people or yourself, but to me you are. I'm- I'm not a good person." Words got lodged in my throat and I coughed to try and clear the invisible blockage. In seconds Jennifer was crouched in front of my, guiding my gaze to hers with a gentle hand on my cheek.

"Look at me Em. There you go. You wanted me to have all the facts so I could make up my mind with a clear idea of who you are?" I nodded, still unable to speak; though now the fingers brushing over my face and neck soothingly had more to do with my silence. "Well, I do now. And my decision is still the same. I love you. I am so in love with you. All of you." A tear slipped from my eye but was quickly swept aside by the pad of her thumb.

"I- Jennifer." I searched my brain for the right words but only four were found. "I love you too." Her lips parted then stretched up into a soft but elated smile. "I love you." I repeated, solidifying the words in my mind and sealing the void in my heart. A muffled groan escaped my throat when Jennifer pitched forward and pressed her mouth to mine, capturing it in a hungry kiss.