"Sheldon Swifties LII: "It Came From East Texas…"

Summary: Brief bits, not necessarily connected…Similar to my Buffyverse "Immortal Beloved" series…Possibly related to the idea that sooner or later I plan to pit Sheldon against junior adult fiction's greatest inventor…

Disclaimer: What's Chuck's is Chuck's…No infringement intended…

Slightly updated this one that's been sitting awhile…

Part I…

"Sheldon…" sigh. Pause to listen…

"Sheldon?" Ear to bedroom door…

Not a sound.

"Ok then…Sheldon…Sheldon…Sheldon…Sheldon…I can keep this up all night, buddy, I've years of these stored up…Sheldon…Sheldon…Sheldon…Sheldon…"

"Leonard, I was in the bathroom." Sheldon peered out from the bathroom.

"When did you…?"

"Probably somewhere in the middle of your pontification on why I shouldn't be worrying about my brother's efforts to alienate the affections of Amy Farrah Fowler…Which as I told you several times without effect, indicative of your affection for the sound of your own voice, is ridiculous as I could have no such worries." He went to the living room sofa, eyeing his spot.

"Really? Then why won't you sit in your spot, Sheldon?"

"I would sit in my spot, Leonard…If I could."

Frown followed by resigned sigh… "And why can't you?"

"You know why. It sat there. It took my spot and wouldn't give it up."

"Your brother's not an It, Sheldon."

"That's debatable, Leonard." Frown at spot…

Treacherous, bad spot…Not to swallow It whole and transport It to another Universe where It would be forced to find It's own spot

"Sheldon, I understand troubles with siblings…I have my own…"

"You have world-class geniuses for siblings, Leonard, all well entitled to their status as your superiors…"

"Thanks…Buddy…" glare…

"…Whereas I have…It. Who despite no glimmering of genius or minimal talent eternally manages to take anything I have. Including my Stevenson award trophy…"

"How'd he'd manage that? And why would he want a Physics trophy?"

"And you say you understand sibling troubles…Hofstadter, if you have to ask those questions, you don't begin to understand sibling troubles."

"Sheldon…Admittedly George has a way about him that might intimidate some…"

"Do you mean when he threatens to pull out his gun or tells you he could pound your face into raw meat in seven seconds flat?"

"Yeah, kinda…Both…And that thing about hogtieing guys who bother him to his truck and driving crosscountry with them…"

"All that doesn't bother me…"

"You know he's just talking…"

"No, it's more…Been there, was driven that…Once it's happened to you, you aren't quite so bothered…No, it's hardly his bullying…What makes you think that?"

"I guess it's just…It would intimidate the heck outta me…"

"You just implied that you wouldn't let him intimidate you physically…"

"I didn't say that…I just said I wouldn't let it keep me from enjoying my spot."

"He defiled my spot, Leonard…Things between us can never be the same again."

"Between you and him…?"

"Lord, no…Things between us never change…I mean between me and my spot."

"Sheldon, it's an inanimate object…How can you blame your spot for George Jr taking it."

"A loyal spot wouldn't let itself be taken, Leonard."

"Sheldon, are we talking about your spot or your girlfriend?"

"Are you still not listening? Of course we're talking about my spot…I've been mentioning my spot for the last ten minutes. Where does Amy come into that picture?"

"I think we're talking about Amy, Sheldon. You're hurt because she seemed to like him…She only did that because he's your brother, Sheldon."

"After I gave her careful instructions to shun him like the very plague he is?"

"You left her in an impossible situation, Sheldon…You ordered her not to accept George's invitation to dinner. Now how could you expect she wouldn't go to dinner to show you she's not your doormat."

"And you wonder why you can't keep your woman in line…" shake of head.

"Uh…Sheldon! Will you listen to yourself?"

"Always…And I always find myself in perfect agreement."

"Ok, fine…So what are you going to do now?"

"Continue to stand probably."

"I mean about Amy, Sheldon!" exasperated look…

"Lost cause…My brother Dracula from East Texas has sunk his studly fangs into her neck…It's hopeless."

"Sheldon? You're saying you're just going to let him take Amy away from you?" stare.

"Well, I suppose I could follow your path in dealing with Penny's boyfriends in the past…And sit in my bedroom mooning over her for the next two years, trusting to blind luck and near impossible circumstances to take my rival away and bring Amy back to me."

"Worked for me…" Leonard noted.

"Yes, you're that famed millionth monkey who managed to bang out Hamlet…But your rivals with Penny neither accepted you as a rival per se nor did they even generally know of your existence. Mine is intimately aware of my own and actually cares enough to enjoy making me suffer."

"So you Are suffering from maybe losing Amy?" arch look…

Frown…Then sad look that stunned Leonard…A tear running…

"Sheldon? Are you…?" he stared.

"Of course I'm crying, Leonard…" tersely… "I'm losing the most wonderful thing I've ever known in life…That is something to cry about."

"Amy isn't going to abandon you for George, Sheldon."

"She ought to…" narrow stare…Wiping face… "That's what you all think, right? I've neglected her and taken her for granted and now George is Fate's way of saying 'Wedgie time, Sheldon'."

"Well, you have neglected her…Can't deny the taking for granted…And I'd throw in embarrassing her and failing to even consider her wants and needs."

"In short I'm a typical boyfriend…Not the superior type one would expect of a Sheldon Cooper."

"Oh…You're not typical, Sheldon…I would never say that."

"Thank you, Leonard." Nod, smile. "You're a good friend."

Uh… "Sure, sure…Anyway the answer is simple, buck up and stand up to your brother…Show Amy you do care and how much you care."

"Stand up to George Jr?...Are you joking, Leonard? The man was one of those guys pointing guns at the Moms Against Violence protest. It was only that he was afraid of Mom and Missy that he didn't kill me as a child…Plus it made him laugh to hang me out the bedroom window upside down."

"Yeah…That is a problem…Still he doesn't act like that in front of the girls. He's kinda clever that way, like Penny's ex-, Kurt."

"A strange genetic quirk in him and my father…They're able to charm any lady…Until they win them and a few years of steadily declining social behavior including heavy drinking, blustering, swearing, farting, and dropping dead animals on the kitchen table to be skinned and dressed by the womenfolk kind of kills the romance."

"You could do it in front of Amy. He wouldn't…Probably…Hurt you in front of her."

"Just kill me later…Well, Amy would be worth the sacrifice if I could be sure of winning her back."

"Sheldon…If you'd ever just say something like that in front of her, you'd have no problem."

"You think so? I must defer to your unusually good karma in Romance…Even if any specific advice you give is probably hopelessly wrong."

"Again…Thanks, buddy."

"But George Jr. is so charming and debonair in front of the ladies…How can I compete with that? I, whose soul is dedicated to truth and Science…How can I 'butter up' Amy?"

"Now George isn't that charming…Or that debonair…"

"Penny said he was…"

"Sometimes my girlfriend doesn't know what she's talking about." Frown…

"Granted. But surely she's fully capable of judging the effect of a man's charm and debonairity on herself?"

"That's debatable." Grim reply.

"It's Amy he's after, Leonard. You're safe, until he's got her to sign the marriage license. Then I imagine he'll resume the hunt and Penny will be his quarry."

"You have to beat this bastard, Sheldon. Beat him and drive him back to whatever Hell he spewed from." Hasty reply.

"Ok. Agreed…" careful stare at Leonard grim, set face. "But how?"

"Oh, Sheldon…Amy loves you, she's on your side. She just wants a demonstration of how much you care. You just need to make a little…Well, maybe a lot of…Effort. And we're going to help you."

"You mean you, Raj, and Howard…Hmmn… I might be better off on my…"

"No. This mission requires a full mobilization." Leonard, distant stare.

"Oh…Well…If Penny and Bernadette will be included, I might have a chance."

"Oh, we're drawing on all resources here, Sheldon." Leonard noted firmly. "Stuart, Will Wheaton…Who better to help you counter oily charm?..." to Sheldon's stare.

"True as to my ex-nemesis and friend…But Stuart?"

"Perspective…Everything he suggests will be wrong…"

"Ah…Very shrewd, Leonard…" pleased nod.

"Alex, for an unbiased point of view…And…I know we both dislike her…But Lesley Winkle…"

"Lesley? She'd happily sabotage my chances…"

"Exactly…Though unlike Stuart, since Amy is 180 degrees opposed to Lesley, Lesley's nasty suggestions meant to undermine you will actually work."

"Leonard, you are on fire here…" admiring glance.

"Fear is a great provoker, Sheldon…Oh, and we will keep that crack I made about Penny not knowing what she's talking about between us?" He opened his cell phone.

"Wolowitz? Hofstadter here…It's a total mobilization."

…..

On phone, at home…Howard listening intently…Nodding.

"Yes. I was expecting the call, given the situation. I'll contact Raj and let Bernadette know. She's been standing by as well. And total as in…? Right, I'll go over to Stuart's and offer him a free meal. What about…The Winkle? Leonard, you know I can't…We have a history and Bernadette hates her guts. It's actually kinda hot, the jealousy thing. But…Hmmn? Well…" Howard pondered.

"Is that Leonard?" Bernadette's call from the bathroom. "Are we a go?"

"We are! But, sweetsums? He has a little favor to ask of you…"

….

Apartment Hofstadter…Living room…

Or, as Howard was now putting it…

The War Room…

"So let me get this straight?" Lesley Winkle, seated, grinning… "We all are here because Sheldon's Wicked Witch of the West clone Fowler has or may have the hots for Cooper's visting older brother and the douche bag from East Texas needs our advice?"

"Well…" Leonard began, diplomatic tone.

"No…Don't bother…" she waved a hand… "I got this all from Bernadette when she finally stopped glaring at me from my lab door…I just wanted to repeat it here to savor douche bag's failure in Romance as well as in Science."

"Ack!...Uht…" Sheldon, gasping. Penny holding him back… "Sheldon? We knew it would be like this, we discussed it, right? This is for Amy."

Heavy breathes, calming… "Right."

"Th-thank you for coming…Lesley." He choked out.

She staring, stunned. "Sheldon?"

Penny, arch look to Leonard.

Our little boy has become a man…

"Excuse me…I didn't come hwere to hwelp Cooper with his sack pwroblems, I was told there would be free food…And pworn videos…?" Barry Kripke, frowning from his chair.

"Why did you bring him, Raj?" Howard frowned.

"You said a total mobilization…And I didn't have anyone to call except Lucy, who still won't answer my calls. I was feeling left out." Raj noted.

"Ok. Guys." Penny put up a hand. "We're here to help Sheldon stand up to his older brother…"

"Stwrap on a pwair and give it to your girl in the sack. Prwoblem solved, start the porn." Kripke noted. Eyeing Penny… "Any chance we know the stwar pwsonally?"

"You want me to fix that lisp the hard way, buddy?" she eyed him.

"Sheldon, I'll do anything I can." Lesley, blurting a little. All staring…To see her tearing a bit.

"Oh, why has no one ever loved me like this…?" she began weeping…

Penny, nod to Leonard… Go…

He moved to Lesley, patting…

"Lesley, I'm sure someone nice will come along…"

"Even though his name will never be Leonard…" Penny, suddenly materialized on Lesley's other side.

Ok, good job…Go…She eyed Leonard. Arm round the sobbing Lesley.

Hmmn…Winkle's rather a hot one when apparently vwunerable…Kripke noted to Howard.

"By all means, Bar…Go get her…" Howard beamed. "You're made for each other." Bernadette agreed.

"Ok, lets get back to the subject at hand…" Leonard began…Turning on projector attached to laptop…As Penny gave the standing Kripke, clearly ready to move in on the weeping Winkle, a grim stare that sat him immediately back down.

"Ladies and gentlemen…Our target." Leonard, clicking, projected an image of George Jr on the screen. A surprisingly Sheldonesque figure in appearance, though with serious muscles, a few rather appealing in the sense of maturity, extra years…A rather good mustache, recently reacquired…Darned fine mullet…In jeans, a rather well-chosen shirt, and casual sports jacket that actually matched well. "George Cooper, Jr."

"His clothes sense alone spells trouble…" Penny noted, with professional air.

"That's Sheldon's brother?" Lesley stared.

Hmmn…Whoa.

"I can see where you need our help…He's like Sheldon if Sheldon were George Clooney."

Yeah…Penny, Bernadette…Involuntary sighs…

"He's all yours." Sheldon noted.

Oh…Kripke, now looking a bit downcast…Eyeing Lesley as she beamed at the image on the far wall.

No…No…I am not feeling sorry for that…Penny thought, staring…

On the other hand, it is Lesley I'd be helping him to…

"Yes, if I may take over, Dr. Hofstadter…" Sheldon stood.

"Dr. Cooper." Nod.

"Ladies and gentlemen, our target not only possesses the rugged good looks of a Cooper boy, and a few extras due to a penchant for manual labor…He has all the charm of the Cooper line which my devotion to Science has partially repressed."

"Partially…" Leonard to Penny.

Don't…Our boy is doing his best here…Remember how he was with Lesley just now…She hissed, tapping his wrist.

"Dr. Hofstatdter?." Leonard clicked to show an image of George Jr. gracefully waltzing. "He dances nearly as well as me… He has a certain surfacey ability to impress in physical activities."

"It was something when he lifted that end of that car off that guy at the airport when we picked him up." Penny noted. "And when he showed us he could shoot a can off a telephone pole by climbing the pole without using the handholds."

"Doctor?" "Righto." Leonard clicked to show a shot of George in the kitchen in chef's cap and apron, waving hands to reveal what appeared to be a magnificent spread of dishes…

"He lays claim even to a certain surprising facility in the kitchen, a random genetic gift of my mother, no doubt." Frown at image.

"Any of that what we're going to be having?" Stuart asked. "I was told there'd be food…And what with things at the store, I haven't eaten in nearly three days…"

"Oh, yeah, there's still plenty, Stuart." Bernadette nodded. "And my God, boy…" Raj sighed. "You haven't lived till you've tasted George's bouillabaisse."

"All right, people lets focus on my problem here…" Sheldon frowned. "Dr. Hofstadter?"

"With pleasure, Doctor." Leonard clicked.

"And his attraction for the ladies is undeniable…" a series of photos of Penny, Bernadette, Amy, Alex, all looking quite pleased as an undeniably charming-looking George held their hands and smiled into their hands.

"Sheldon? Where did you get these?" Penny stared.

"I keep (kept, Leonard frantically waving hands) a webcam running in this room at all times…"

"Hey…Leonard and I have…Ummn…I've slept…In here."

"Yes…I know…All too well…" Sheldon sighed.

"Did you know about his camera?" Penny stared at Leonard.

"Me?...Oh, well…Certainly not…I…"

"Leonard? Have you forgotten? You helped me install it and suggested the upgrade model six months ago."

"Uh…" Leonard… "For burglar identification…" he noted sheepishly to Penny, waving hands… "I'd forgotten."

"I want every one of the photos of me…And me and you…" she frowned.

"…Deleted?" Leonard sighed.

"I'll be the judge of that…" she noted.

Oh…slightly smug grin.

Meaning she plans to keep a few copies, I'd say.

"Thank God he didn't have one in our bedroom." She shook head.

"Oh…Yeah. Definitely. Thank God, he didn't." Leonard nodded. Even Sheldon wisely refraining from correcting that one…

Thank God we pledged never to reveal what we found on hacking into Sheldon's computer…Bernadette eyeing Howard.

"You know, you seemed rather taken with George…." Howard eyed Bernadette.

"He's cute…I like cute…It's nothing…Grow up, Wolowitz." She frowned.

"May I remember that for the next time you get upset with me staring at a girl…?" he asked, overly innocent tone.

"No. That's right, life is unfair." She glared.

"Hey!" Lesley snapped. "We're trying to save a great romance here. Shut up! Go on, Dr. Cooper." She nodded.

I think I might wanna drop a word of warning to Amy after all this…Penny thought, eyeing Lesley's attentive face.

After all, tis a fine line between love and hate…And Winkle may have crossed it, thanks to Amy's good ole bestie…

"Of course George lacks anything more in intellect than a minor musical ability…"

Click to shot of George in tux playing at piano, then violin to the cheering acclaim of a crowd…

"That brilliant professional musician thing is a hurdle, given Amy's love of music…" Howard noted.

"…Some facility in history and literature…The liberal arts no less…" offhand dismissal.

"I thought he ran a chain of tire shops?" Alex asked. "Dr. Tire, isn't it?"

"That was to support the family after Sheldon's father passed." Leonard noted. "And financed his college and graduate education, allowing to retire at 33."

Tires, huh? Penny stared.

Well, heck…I'm a Nebraska girl. I know tires. You could call me Doctoress Tires, like the new Doctor Who.

Oh, my God…She shook head, frowning at puzzled Leonard.

Click to show George in suit, lecturing to college class…

"Yeah, I never expected that he'd be a distinguished fellow of Oxford College in History and English Literature from Sheldon's description and when we met." Leonard eyed the shot.

"…But no more scientific ability than to help Wolowitz make doodads…" Sheldon noted.

Click to shot of George in engineering lab with Howard as a group of NASA officials applaud.

"Gotta admit…That space sample collection system he designed is gonna jump my career ahead a couple of years." Howard nodded to Bernadette. "Heck if that start-up he suggested really comes off I could be making more than you in a couple of years."

"You're still staying home with the kids, bucko." She noted, grimly.

"That's the idea, lambkins…" grin. "Only 'home' would be an estate with high-tech facility attached."

"Don't worry…" hiss to Penny's frown at Howard. "I've no intention of letting Howie get that far ahead of me. Surrounded by beautiful golddiggers, he might start finding me too much like Ma Wolowitz."

"Just how much could this 'start-up' make and why isn't my experimental physicist a partner?" Penny hissed, following nod to Bernadette, to Leonard.

Like I'd ever worry about Leonard…I mean, even if the golddiggers are beautiful, I know places in Nebraska where you could bury a thousand bodies. Cool glance to a still-somewhat-puzzled-at-summons-from-the-boss-but- pleased-to-be-included, Alex, strategically seated, by Penny, next to Raj and Stuart.

Just tryin' to help our Raj out with his evergoing romantic problems…Or maybe Stuart…Who cares? Her highminded noting to Leonard on Alex's arrival earlier…

"To sum up, people…" Sheldon frowned…"In fact I'd say it's fair to say that but for his total lack of ability in Physics, he could be a formidable foe in romance."

"You know, Sheldon…Given George, and that Missy was your fraternal twin…I've a theory, based on that clone series, 'Orphan Black'…" Raj noted. "I think you and Missy are like clones Sarah and Helena who split off in the birth mother…Sarah got all the personality, sanity, street smarts…Helena the insanity, crazy psycho killer skills, religious mania, maybe regenerative ability…Cause put you and Missy together and dude, you're George."

"With unrivalled genius ability in Physics, Raj…" frown.

"Ok, a random extra mutation…" Raj shrugged.

"Well…Lets not forget George's darker side…" Leonard cut in…

"He has…A dark side?…On top of everything else?" Penny asked…

A bit too eagerly…

"He's a bully and he likes to rub his abilities in the faces of males he considers less able…" Leonard, frowning.

"Oh…That…" Penny, chuckling… "You guys all do that…"

She means 'we'…All do that…Bernadette whispered to Howard.

"To be fair he also challenges males who he thinks or who think they are his equals or superiors." Sheldon noted. "He's defied several bosses who opposed his teaching methods for reasons he considered motivated by greed or folly, fought bullies who tried to gang up on me and some disabled kids at our school…Chased down a few criminals…Been an antiwar, environmental, and justice for the victims of dictators, activist…"

"You mean, he's a hero?" Penny stared.

"Some might see it that way…Others that he just likes to show off…" Sheldon, firmly.

"Lets be fair, Penny…" Bernadette sighed. "He is a little overbearing to the boys."

"Well…" Kripke frowned. "You dorks need to man up and kick him one."

"Are you questioning my husband's manhood?" Penny stood up.

"Uh…" Kripke blinked…

"No, ma'am…"

"Good."

"This would be a tough one…" Lesley sighed. "But for Sheldon's incredible love for Amy…" she eyed him…

She and Alex, rather taken herself now with the Shamy tale, related to her in full for the first time…

Dr. Cooper loves anything besides his mother, spot, and bowel schedule this much?

Sighing…

"True enough." Sheldon nodded. "But for some reason, Amy is feeling neglected, according at least to my colleague and friend, Dr. Hofstadter…And that could, coupled to George's undeniable flashy surface, pose a problem."

"Well…Just tell her how you feel…" Lesley suggested. "Tell her you love her so much you were even capable of being nice to me…That's gotta convince her."

Of course…Should it not…She eyed him…

Our children would be smart and beautiful.

"'Beautiful golddiggers'…?" Howard hissed.

"You want me to say 'you' to Penny?" Bernadette hissed back.

"And…'Too much like Ma…'? Seriously?"

"I just said I'd keep us out of the billionnaires' club to hold you and you already know I'd've killed Penny if she ever realized your potential, before waking up to Leonard's. Take the gold cup and go home, Wolowitz." Grim whisper.