1

Ever since Olivia had returned to work a week ago, Amanda had found herself frequently sneaking glances at her as she worked behind her desk, wondering what was going through her head. How she could come back to a job like this after everything that had happened to her, was beyond her, but her respect for her colleague was immense. She had no disillusions that had something like that happened to her, she would be anywhere nearly as together as Olivia appeared to be and she couldn't help but wonder how she might really be coping behind her tough facade. The visible bruises had already healed and she looked good, but Amanda knew as well as the rest of them that some of the scars she had been inflicted with would never heal. Lewis was an animal and even now, the mere thought of him still sent ripples of anger through her that made her desperately want to make him suffer a fate far worse than the cushy jail cell he was now occupying.

She stared at Olivia's face, noting the shadows under her eyes that she had attempted to hide with make-up but which were still visible to anyone who looked carefully enough. She supposed it made sense that it would be at night that her fears were heightened. She suspected that she wasn't getting all that much sleep. She looked exhausted. At least she had her boyfriend with her so she didn't have to go through the long nights alone. She had never really understood exactly what it was she saw in Brian Cassidy, but at least the guy had stuck around. After the trauma she had been through, she needed someone and if Brian was her choice, then really, what business of it was hers?

She knew she was openly staring, but it was hard not to. Olivia seemed lost in thought, a wistful expression on her face as she stared down at the file on her desk, thumbing her necklace, obviously not reading a single word that was in front of her. She had noticed Olivia frequently had moments like this since she had come back to the one-six. Before the attack she had been so focused, so intent on doing everything she could to do the best job possible, but now she seemed hauntingly distracted. The most poignant change that she noted however, was the fact that she so rarely smiled now. She remained at her desk, only speaking when spoken to or when it was directly related to the case she was working on. Amanda had watched from her desk on the several occasions that Amaro had tried to draw her out a little but it appeared he had already given up. It was terribly hard to watch someone disengage like that. She wished there was some way she could do something to help her, but she had no idea what she could possibly do.

She suddenly realised with horror that Olivia had noticed her staring and was looking right back at her, a questioning look on her face. Embarrassed, she turned her head back to her own desk and pretended to be fully absorbed in her work again. She heard the scrape of the chair against the floor and glanced up surreptitiously, just in time to see Olivia disappearing towards the restroom. She felt terrible. The woman had been through enough without having to deal with the probing curiosity of her colleagues. She could only imagine how uncomfortable it must be to have people you worked with and who had previously looked up to you, constantly asking themselves if you were about to fall apart and scrutinising your every move, especially the second you showed any hint of an emotional reaction. She knew she had to say something to try and excuse her behaviour, but what? They got on fine at work, but that was as far as it went. Olivia was such a private person. She realised she actually knew next to nothing about her on a personal level.

She couldn't leave it like that though. She had to try and explain and let her know that she was not sitting there eagerly waiting to pounce the second she should make a mistake but was just concerned about her, as a colleague… as a friend. So apprehensively, she stood and headed towards the female restroom, not entirely certain what she would find when she pushed the door open.

She immediately saw her standing, stooped over one of the sinks, her shoulders hunched and her back tense. Was she crying? Horrified, she froze. Perhaps this had been a bad idea.

Hearing her enter, Olivia immediately raised her head, spinning round to see who had followed her in.

"Rollins." She acknowledged her with a nod.

Noting not without some measure of relief that her superior was not in fact crying and now feeling extremely awkward, she nodded back and then pushed her way into the nearest toilet cubicle, deciding that it would be better to pretend her visit here was pure coincidence, born of necessity rather than anything else. Maybe she could casually apologise for coming across as though she were staring afterwards, make it appear like an afterthought, play it down a little.

She forced herself to pee, glad when she heard Olivia turn on the tap and disguise the fact that she actually had no real need to go, as her pathetic two second burst proved quite clearly.

Flushing quickly, she returned to the sinks and began to wash her hands. She glanced at Olivia, who was touching up some eye make-up and sighed. Maybe she hadn't even noticed her staring? She didn't look too bothered. As she reached for a paper towel, she had already made the decision to just let it go, but just as she stepped towards the door on her way out, Olivia spoke halting her in her tracks.

"It's ok you know. I suppose it's only natural for people to wonder about me."

She cringed. So Olivia had noticed her staring then and what's more she had guessed the real reason for the sudden simultaneous restroom visit.

"I'm sorry, Liv. I didn't mean to be so obvious…" she began.

"Like I said, it's fine."

Amanda watched her as she returned her attention to touching up her mascara. There was just something about her resigned demeanour that saddened her immensely. Olivia Benson was one of the strongest women she had ever known, yet there was a vulnerability emanating from her now that reinforced to her just how unfair fate had been. It would be naïve not to acknowledge that she would never be the same after an experience like that and she hated that aspect.

"You're staring again," Olivia informed her, although her tone was indifferent.

"Oh gee, I'm sorry. I don't know what is wrong with me. I just… I just… every time I think about it – about him – I just…"

"Rollins… don't," Olivia pleaded with her. "I get it. I know you just want to help, but I'm fine, really. I'm in counselling. I'm back at work. Honestly, I'll get through this eventually. Please believe that."

"I've never doubted you will," she said quickly. This wasn't going anything like she had planned. It wasn't supposed to be Olivia reassuring her. She felt like an idiot. It just didn't feel enough though to have chipped in for some flowers the day she had returned to work. They worked together. She felt like she should be doing more somehow.

An idea then occurred to her and nervously she wondered how it would go down. It was something she had briefly thought about before, but until now, she had lacked the confidence to seriously consider acting on it. Maybe it was time to be proactive though. Olivia would never ask anything from any of them. She knew that. Maybe this would be cathartic for her in some way? Maybe it would help her? She knew she would certainly enjoy it.

"Liv," she said firmly, her decision made. "Do you have any plans this weekend?"

"Not yet," Olivia replied, surprised. She obviously hadn't been expecting the conversation to turn in this direction.

"If you're free, I was wondering if you would come with me up state. I need to get some shooting practice in and am looking for company."

"Fin's busy then I assume?"

"I'm asking you."

"Well, that's really thoughtful of you, but I don't know…"

"Please think about it. It would be fun. You know how tedious it gets being surrounded by the guys all day. It could be fun just us girls. We could make a day trip of it."

She watched the older woman nervously, waiting for an answer, not really expecting one in the affirmative, but hoping all the same.

"You know," Olivia said after a short while. "Brian is working this weekend and I have nothing better to do, so why not?"

"Excellent, then it's a date!" Amanda said happily, watching the corners of Olivia's mouth turn up into a slight smile.