Le notes: With this fic, I really wanted to explore the notion of the 'almosts' and 'what ifs' of a relationship. It's all about how people aspire to take risks and have always been afraid to break such boundaries because they fear losing all that they already have. Anyway, I don't want to give away too much, so I hope you enjoy the fic!j

Summary: He finds the notion of 'forever' quite romantic. —-RebekahMatt (and the chances that they never took).

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lonely lost boy, will you find your way to neverland?

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where dreams are born
and time is never planned
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/ / /

It hits him in the most ridiculous way possible. He actually has one of those so-called 'ah-hah' moments. An epiphany, as some may call it. And, you know, he's not exactly the smartest needle in the haystack, but he does prefer things when they are logical, rational, defined with set boundaries and measurable extents. Of course, that was before most of his best friends ended up being vampires and witches and werewolves and hunters. And before her.

Rebekah Mikaelson.

She lies beside him, fast asleep (more like passed out really) as they are somewhere in Amsterdam with empty cans of beer surrounding their bed sheets. The scent of alcohol is strong, everywhere he takes a whiff, it's present and the slight smell of marijuana is not too far, either. Which only meant one thing; they were at the morning after of some college frat party. Momentarily, he loses himself within her as the sunlight shines down on her golden hair, and her skin looks luminescent under the heat-filled yellow-ish rays. She almost fools him because she looks

—human.

And that's when it hits him. He thinks oh, so it is possible—but then it turns in to something really dull because he brushes the thought away as soon as she opens her eyes and he can sense that she's hungry.

It's not as if she's asked him explicitly for his blood. She wouldn't. Unless, of course, if he'd be in to that. But, Matt can see it in Rebekah's eyes. The way she looks at him sometimes.

It's as if she wants to devour him, eat him alive.

(he doesn't want to call her a monster, so instead he kisses her and mumbles a comforting 'morning beautiful', he forgets his words half-way through the rest of their day, but she remembers, like she'll never forget).

It hurts.

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/ / /

He knows that there's a significantly large difference between wanting something, and needing it. Although, his ability to tell these things apart gets seriously fucked up when the boundaries he had set are blurred out by all this supernatural phenomena. Additionally, there is the fact that he is slowly but surely being floored by the way she laughs, how she twirls her finger in her hair, that bloody accent and her witty jokes which he doesn't always seem to get. Suddenly, there comes a night, spooky but warm, in the midst of Paris, where it's not her but him pulling at her clothes and kissing her limbs, falling in to a hotel room and ending up tangled, knotted, and tied up, so much so that he doesn't think that he will ever get untangled.

He doesn't know where to touch her because he wants all of her.

(days later, she'll ask him or he'll ask her, either way the question will come up, "what are we?"

"everything that is simple, no strings attached.")

He kisses her like he means it, though.

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/ / /

They're in Italy the night he gets seriously drunk. It's not just the fact that he had one too many shots of tequila either. It's the fact that he's limping while walking, on the edge of losing his lunch, and he totally thinks that he's a pop-star now (because he's singing like he's good at it, or something). Now usually, he's not such a light-weight. However, a mere human's tolerance is nothing compared to the alcohol levels of an immortal original vampire. Obviously, she's got this thing for him but he thinks that it's really only because he's human. Not because he's Matt Donavan; some busboy who can't even pay his own rent or get through his studies properly. A boy who mommy and daddy left behind, who has friends who are too busy to actually care about him, and he's never really anyone's first priority.

Maybe it's the alcohol, or maybe it's just him, but he wonders if— "You've thought about turning me, while I wasn't looking or something, all this time. Haven't you?"

She looks startled for a moment, but only for a moment. Sadly, it brings him no pleasure as all he does is realize that she truly does care for him. No matter how slowly he's been adjusting to the fact that he left for Europe and no one really gives a damn. "Matt, the thing I admire the most about you is that, through all of the supernatural chaos, you've somehow managed to still remain true to yourself." She reveals. "You haven't changed, haven't become…this monster. A thing which you, sometimes, can't even recognize in the mirror, no matter how hard you may look at your own reflection."

Somehow, he didn't exactly think that she was talking about him.

But she gives him a feeling of importance in a world where he's mostly been set aside or looked down upon as 'the weaker of the species'.

(he'd be lying if he said that he hadn't admired her for her strengths and her weaknesses as well).

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/ / /

Sometimes, all these good things happening to him right now seem so very unreal. Like a dream or a signal of something equally as horrific is about to come. Going off to Europe, for example, was not a decision that was entirely his idea. He had no plans, no idea what benefits a further education could bring him, he was lost, out-of-his-mind, and kind of falling for her. Her plan to show him the world was…convenient. Not romantic in the least, or so he tries to tell himself, every single day. Then again, he has seen countless romance films that display the exact same concepts, except you know, the roles are reversed. But that's besides the point.

It's really a rarity for him when things actually work out for the better. So when she's tinkerbell and places pixie dust over his head, he can't say that he's not peterpan because really, 'young forever' and 'time un-passing' and 'immortal love' seem like some of the most romantic thoughts to ever cross his mind.

Finally, it happens.

"I love you," she blurts out.

(he doesn't say it back and she hadn't expected anything less, later, they watch the shooting stars fly down the sky and sit on a mountain, side-by-side at the peak of Germany, as if it's not something romantic).

It's so easy to pretend.

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/ / /

He comes to another realization somewhere near the end of July. That he does this thing where everything he touches, suddenly breaks. Like him and Elena, not that he still likes her like that. Or him and Caroline, not that he still likes her like that either. But it's also about his mom, his dad, his dead sister and all the other countless things that go wrong in his life.

He's afraid to love.

And she loves with so much strength, passion, blinding infatuation, and dedication. He doesn't think that he can do that. So he does the most rational thing he can think of.

He runs.

(her words haunt him, I love you, I love you, I love you).

It's not like he doesn't understand, he just tired of being disappointed.

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/ / /

She calls him. And calls him. And calls him.

He breaks her heart (it happens all the time).

"You're mad!" She shouts when he finally picks up. He stays silent on the other line but she's right. He must be fucking crazy since he's kissing, and fucking, and sort of falling in love with a fucking original vam—

"Everything you do to me is insane, Matt." He couldn't expect her not to lash out at him. He's being difficult (not on purpose, he swears), he really is. "You make me love and hurt, and then you run off like some—"

The word 'coward' hangs between them, like a phantom.

"I don't even know why you left."

You told me you love me.

"I don't think I want to know why."

(she forgets to ask him to come back).

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/ / /

He knows she's this girl who keeps falling in and out of love, gets burned every time, but he thinks that he does admire the way she's unafraid. Unlike himself. Maybe it's all that time, a thousand years to learn how to handle heartbreak. Maybe it gets easier.

It doesn't. He knows.

Yet, he finds the notion of 'forever' quite romantic, and he thinks that vampires are the only creatures who are able to pull off this neverland, never-growing-up, peterpan-complex love type of mumbo-jumbo. Then he finds that he really, seriously, uncontrollably can't stop thinking about Rebekah Mikaelson.

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/ / /

She finds him, soon.

At some rundown bar, somewhere in Prague.

They sat there, smoking cigarettes and counting the tick tocks of a grandfather clock, at five in the morning.

"Don't stay," he says, leaning in to his chair. "I'll ruin you, just like I ruin everything else."

She's the first who didn't take his advice, who didn't decide to punch him for being a coward, who didn't yell or say a word for that matter.

She kissed the skin over his forehead, all soft and delicate, almost as if she understood his pain. She's had her fair share though, she can relate.

"Don't be scared."

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/ / /

They lie side by side, naked and broken; as if everything they do can be summed up under the vague concepts of 'bad habits'.

"You're entertaining the thought," he remembers her say, "of me turning you."

He raises a brow. "I thought you said that you admired my humanity."

"I do." She whispers, as his hands run through her curls. "But I know that you also find it romantic; the whole 'together forever' scenario."

He becomes uncomfortably silent.

"You're hopeless, you know?" She says, "a lost cause," just like me.

(what a pretty pair they make).

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/ / /

Near the end of August, he realizes that summer is slowly vanishing.

"I won't be staying in Mystic Falls for too long." She reveals, without having him ask her or anything like that. Mostly because, he's just too afraid to do so. He doesn't ask her 'why'. But she answers regardless. "Elijah's not answering my calls…I'm worried about him. So I'm going to go find him."

She looks to him.

Come with me, she doesn't say.

"I'll stay…" she says instead, tired and scared of waiting for his answer. His eyes widen. "If you want me to, that is." She adds, later, only because his expression wasn't really what she expected.

"Don't stay," he repeats. Don't let me hold you back.

Again, she loses control. "If I go, I don't think that I'll ever be coming back." Are you okay with that? Can you handle that? Has all of this meant nothing to you?

Matt nods, motionlessly. "Your brother's important to you, isn't he?"

.

/ / /

Then, the blonde girl, the vampire, is gone with the wind and he understands that it's his fault for not understanding, not knowing, being too much of a coward to ever tell her that—

He should have known better. That, for once, he almost wasn't alone, wasn't left behind and was actually loved. He almost wanted to become a vampire, and almost dated an original vampire, once, over a century and a day ago.

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/ / /

End

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Le more notes: I took a few liberties by making Matt this angsty little thing, sorry about the oocness, I just couldn't resist! Don't forget to review!

—Xoxo Carter