Chapter Eleven - Maybe I'm too busy being yours to fall for somebody new

The weather wasn't exactly perfect for a walk to Hogsmeade; a snowstorm had covered the path to the small town completely.

Lily sighed as she looked out of the window. "Great" she muttered to herself, "This is not going to be a good day."

She was still very much looking forward to her date with James. And she was still very nervous about it. Lily had already changed her outfit four times and still wasn't happy with it. Marlene not being there was both, boon and bane. She could've helped Lily with her outfit, could've calmed her down. But she would nag Lily all the time, would make fun of her for being excited. Would tease her. Still, Lily missed her best friend.

A few outfits later, Lily had finally decided on what to wear and was already running a little late. She knew what James must be thinking right now. She knew he must be freaking out, must be thinking that she'd dumped him.

Which is why Lily came running towards him as she crossed the Entrance Hall of Hogwarts, coming to a stop only shortly before she would've crashed into him.

"Sorry. I'm so sorry I'm late."

"I was starting to get a little worried" he chuckled, "but no worries. I was pretty sure you would turn up sooner or later." Though his light-hearted attitude did not conceal the nervousness in his voice, the little crack towards the end of his sentence.

As if he wouldn't trust her. Or him, for that matter. Lily wasn't sure what was truer. What she would like to be truer.

"Because no girl in her right mind could resist you?" Lily teased, grinning up at him.

"No girl in her right mind" repeated James with a smirk, "I mean, I even got Lily Evans to go out with me. That's quite a big achievement!"

"Oi!" The redhead laughed a little, poking him in the side lightly.

"So, Evans, as you might have noticed, the weather isn't that nice. Do you still want to go outside and try to walk through the snow? There's no storm anymore and I've heard that the hot butterbeer from The Three Broomsticks is supposed to be really nice."

"You've heard so, haven't you? Never tried yourself?"

"Evans! I'm a noble man, I don't drink" James responded indignantly, "I would never even dream of such a thing."

"Do you not? Well, then I must confuse you, noble Potter, with some other charming bloke with messy black hair and spectacles, because I distinctly remember such a boy being very much drunk after the last Quidditch match."

"Can't have been me! Can't have been Sirius, either! You know, the most noble and ancient house of Black. And as we're practically brothers..."

Lily laughed, linking her arm with his when they stepped through the door.

Luckily, the storm had calmed down. It was still snowing, though.

Soft flakes settled down on Lily's dark red hair, covering it nearly completely until they had reached the Three Broomsticks. Lily and James' friendly banter still hadn't faded and the redhead was very thankful for it.

She loved their little squabbles. They filled her with joy and made her feel as if nothing in the world could possibly be bad. They made her forget the raging war. Simply being with James helped Lily see the world differently; a little brighter, a little less threatening.

They sat down in a quiet corner of the pub, next to a small window. The air was filled with the smell of hot butterbeer and chocolate with whipped cream, of cinnamon and oranges. It wasn't as crowded as usually, but then again, it was just shortly after Christmas, hardly any students were there and the rest of the village probably decided to stay inside rather than go out and risk getting snowed in. It didn't matter to Lily. All that matter was James and the smile he gave her when he came back with their drinks.

"There you go, warm honey-butterbeer." James handed Lily the mug, sitting down opposite of her before taking a sip of his own orange-spiked butterbeer.

"Thanks." Lily smiled at him, sipping on her drink as well.

For a while, both of them stayed quiet. And Lily couldn't quite say why. It felt... odd, nearly awkward to be out on a proper date with James Potter.

It felt wrong, even though it had felt so right in the morning.

All her fears came up again, rising like water in the ocean when the tide is coming in, trapping her very being in them.

What if James, now that he got what he'd always wanted, didn't want it anymore?

What if he did but Lily didn't?

What if it would actually work out?

What if they'd have a life together and then went into War, what if one of them would die?

What if they'd break up and the rest of the Marauders would then stop being friends with her?

What if James would stop loving her?

What if James would always love her more intensely and fiercely than she loved him?

What if she'd break James Potter?

No, that was impossible. Even if she'd get married to him and have a child and then divorce him, she wouldn't be able to break James. No one could ever break James Potter. Especially not someone as insignificant as Lily Evans.

But then again, he has been in love with her for years now. Maybe Lily could break his heart.

It scared her. Being with James – or rather the possibility of maybe being with him – scared Lily.

This whole situation was simply uncomfortable. For half an hour they'd been sitting opposite of each other, not really saying anything at all. There have been a few attempts at conversation from both sides but they didn't last for long.

Lily had already drunk her butterbeer and was now playing with the charms on her bracelet, while James was still sipping on his drink, which must've turned cold long ago.

After more silent minutes, James sighed. "This is just awkward. I don't understand this. We always have something to talk about. Why doesn't it work now?"

"Because a date is different than just chatting? Because the expectations are different, even if we don't want to admit it."

"My only expectation was to make you laugh. But apparently I failed."

"You don't expect to... you know... maybe kiss me?" Lily asked surprised.

"No, why would I? Honestly, it took you years to finally agree to go on a date with me. I don't expect a kiss anytime soon. Well, after this disaster I don't expect a kiss ever. Which is perfectly fine. At least I can now rest my case. We tried it and it's just really weird, us going on a date. Maybe I'm so fixed on my idea of you and me, of us, that I can't fall for another woman."

Lily laughed hoarsely. "So what you're telling me is that actually you're not in love with me at all. Not anymore, at least. You were just fixed on an idea, an illusion. Sorry I'm not as good as your thoughts, Potter."

"That's not how I meant it, Lily, and you know it perfectly well. You are perfect the way you are. Maybe my view of myself is simply a little crooked. I think I'm pretty awesome. Clever, fit, smart, just so attractive and I have great hair. Have you ever touched my hair? It's amazing. I guess you're just still out of my league. Honestly, Evans. I'm a fool when it comes to girls. I've been trying to get your attention ever since our first year. The few girlfriends I had, that was pure luck. No idea what I did. I never deliberately flirted with anyone because there has always been you. Just you. Maybe I'm too busy being yours to fall for somebody new."

Lily lowers her gaze, staring into her empty mug. Maybe James was right.

No, of course he wasn't. There was no way he was right! She wasn't out of his league. She was his equal and had proven it many times. Yes, maybe he was fixed on some illusion, some perfect picture he had made of her. But who said she couldn't be like it? Who said she wasn't already like it?

"I was so nervous this morning" Lily chuckled, her eyes fixed on her hands in her laps, "I was so very nervous because what if you'd realize that I'm not the person you make me out to be? What if now that you have me, you're no longer interested in me? What if you realize I'm not pretty enough, not smart enough, not rebellious enough? What if your expectations of me are so high that I could never ever meet them, no matter how hard I try? What if I just suck at being your girlfriend?"

"Why, Evans, sucking is such a nice thing."

Lily could hear the smirk in his voice, she could practically feel it in her veins.

Looking up, she grinned at him. "Is it now? How would you know, hm? Oh, I forgot: your relationship with Sirius is very intimate."

"I would lie if I'd say that he hasn't seen me naked this year" James laughed, running his fingers through his hair.

"You're simply unbelievable, Potter" the redhead chuckled before collecting herself once again, "What are we going to do now?"

"Call it a night and simply realize that we're just not meant to be? This is just too odd."

"Alright." Lily nodded, "I guess you're right." She smiles lightly at him.

This was wrong. All of it was wrong. She wanted to be with James. She wanted him to call her his girlfriend. She wanted to be part of his life. She wanted to be Sirius' sister. She wanted to wear James' sweaters to keep warm. She wanted to fall asleep in his arms. She wanted him to look at her the way he always did, just so full of love and utter adoration. She wanted to keep the feeling his voice elicited, this tingling sensation all over her skin which reached deep into her soul. She wanted James.

But it was already too late. When the realization hit her, James and Lily were already on their way back to Hogwarts.

"Hey, don't worry" James smiled at her as they reached the castle, "We're still friends. If you want to, of course."

"I want..." Lily took a deep breath, "I want to try it again. I don't want to give up on you. On us, for that matter. I can't give up. And you shouldn't either. I think we tried to be too perfect and that ended in us not being us. We get along pretty well when we're us. What do you say?"

His smile melted her heart. The hopeful sparkle in his eyes was such a welcomed change from the pain that had lingered in them ever since they had left Hogsmeade.

"I'd love to. Miss Evans, we're out of Christmas biscuits. Would you like to accompany me to the kitchen and bake new ones?"

"Why yes, Mister Potter, I would most certainly love to make sure that you don't burn down the whole castle" Lily giggled, linking her arm with his.

They made their way to the kitchen, chatting about sweet nothings. Finally arriving at their destination, it took some time – and charm from James' side – to convince the house elves to leave the kitchen to James and Lily. Only James and Lily. They didn't want anyone to interrupt them. It would only lead to awkward explanations and the wrecking of the light-hearted mood.

"Tell me, Potter. What do I have to do?" Lily asked, hopping on the counter to sit down. She dangled with her legs and smiled at him happily.

"Well, I don't have a proper recipe, so I'm afraid I have to prepare the dough myself. But what you can do is tell me how Christmas was. If you're alright, if you're sad or anything like it. I know it was the first time without any family..."

"I stop you right there. It wasn't. Not really. Because I had you and the other three rascals. It felt like family. It felt like family should feel. Actually, it felt more like family than my family had felt like family in the years after I had discovered my magic."

Lily smiled at him, playing with a strand of her red hair. "It was a very nice Christmas. And I'm very thankful that you asked. Not everyone would be this considerate."

"Maybe not." James took out the stuff he needed for baking, turning back to Lily. "But not everyone is in love with you." He laughed a little. "Although I beg to differ. At least all the kids you tutor love you to bits. So do my friends."

"Stop it, I'm blushing..." But it wasn't only that. She wasn't only blushing. She was starting to feel dizzy again, this light feeling she got whenever James used the famous L-word.

Whenever he looked at her, for that matter. Whenever she thought about him.

"Alright, I'll stop giving you compliments then" he laughed, squeezing her hand lightly, "But seriously, please tell me how you feel about this Christmas, okay? The good and the bad feelings. I lost my father last year in December. A year ago, on the day, actually. I know what it's like. It was my first time without my parents this year, too. After mum died in summer this year... Please, tell me how you feel."

Lily nodded but kept quiet. And thankfully, so did James. He only smiled at her, that gorgeous heart-warming smile of his, and kept making the dough for the biscuits.

This wasn't an uncomfortable silence though. It was nice, pleasant. Full of innocent and falsely accidental touches, of looks that went right through Lily's heart.

After James had put the dough in the fridge, where it should rest for about an hour, she helped him clean up the mess before hopping on the counter again.

"Sit next to me?" She pleaded James.

"Of course I will." He hopped on next to her, squeezing her hand lightly.

Lily sighed, interlacing her fingers with his, leaning her head against his shoulder.

"It's been hard" she started, "getting into a Christmas mood without my mum telling me how she'd decorated the house. It's been hard because I always decorate the tree with her together. Decorated. Past tense. Still not used to that. It just happened so recently. Around the same time your mum died, actually. A little later."

She chuckled lightly, playing a soft kiss on James' neck. "We're quite a mess, aren't we? Sitting here after a really awkward date, talking about our dead parents. You said your dad died today a year ago? Is there anything I can do for you? Anything to make you feel better? God, I dread the day of my mum's anniversary. I don't want to face my sister again like I did the year after my father died."

"What happened there?"

"Well, I already told you she accused me of being the source of my father's cancer. She said that again, at his memorial ceremony the year after. In front of the whole church. Said that a freak like me obviously caused such an illness. After my mum died she kept saying things like Guess your precious magic can't help this time, can it? or See, another death your magic has caused. I just needed someone to be there for me. I guess you know that feeling."

James nodded, kissing the top of her head. "Yeah, I do. Even though I actually believe that Padfoot was more upset about my mum's death than I was. He loved her to bits and vice versa. He picked me up after my dad died; I returned the favour half a year later. I'm very grateful for my friends. There's no one better in the world than them."

The black haired boy run his free hand through his hair and rested his head on Lily's.

"It's been hard today. I thought maybe going out with you would keep my mind away from what happened a year ago. Maybe that's why I was a little off today. I'm sorry, I completely screwed up. I guess you don't really want to go on another date with me anytime soon and I understand. Don't worry about it."

"I was under the impression that this is a date. Right here. Us baking Christmas biscuits." Lily lightly ran her thumb over the back of his hand to let him know that everything between them was alright.

She felt like he needed a little reassurance. From time to time she forgot that, after all, James was just like her. Forgot, that James was just a child who had lost his parents way too early and was preparing to go fight in a War. A War he didn't even need to fight. Not as a privileged pureblood with another privileged pureblood as his best friend. But he did.

He did need to fight in this War, because his best friend was a pariah and not a privileged pureblood anymore. Burnt off the family tree, so he had told her.

He did need to fight in this War, because his other best friend was an outcast, marked with scars for all his life.

He did need to fight in this War, because his love interest was a Mudblood.

"I like this being a date" James smiled softly, "Although it's not us making biscuits. It's me, so I get more than you do. Besides, I need more calories. Quidditch training. I need my daily sugar intake."

Laughing, Lily hopped off the counter, taking both his hands in hers.

"Come on, let's cut out Christmas trees and bells."

"And reindeers?"

"And reindeers" Lily nodded, spreading a layer of flour on the table so the dough wouldn't stick to it.

They made a whole batch of biscuits, shoving them into the oven.

"Should we already start melting chocolate?" James wanted to know after the first batch was out of the oven and set to cool.

"Yes, sounds good", Lily nodded, "and maybe some icing?"

"I'll do the icing!" James volunteered, "I have a perfect way of making it."

"Is that so?" Lily laughed, "Alright, then I melt the chocolate."

She squeezed James' hand when walking past him to heat up the oven.

"On second thought..." A small mischievous grin spread on Lily's lips. She grabbed a handful of flour before expertly throwing is right in his face.

After James got over the first shock of it, he himself attacked back with smearing some of the icing on her face.

"Oi, James!" the red-head laughed, "that is not fair. Not fair at all!"

"You started this!"

"Did not!" She grinned at him, running the spoon with melted chocolate carefully across his cheek.

"Wow, Evans, wow. You'll get that back!"

"Try it, Potter." She grinned at him, already preparing the next attack.

The pair of them chased each other around the table in the middle of the kitchen, making quite a mess with liquid chocolate, pink icing and flour. It was in Lily's hair, on her clothes, her face and James looked no better.

Lily knew. She simply knew. Panting from running around the kitchen and laughing, from fighting with James and trying to stop him covering her in flour, all it needed was one look. Just one glance at his chocolate-covered lips, the lopsided glasses.

Without further thinking, Lily practically sprinted around the table, pushing James against the wall before her lips came crushing down on his. Her sticky hands shot up into his messy hair as if holding on to them was her only security in this world.

She could feel James hesitate. Of course he did. It would never be easy with him, now would it?

Her mind had blanked out, she couldn't think any coherent thoughts anymore.

The only thing on her mind right now was the feeling of James' lips, her hands on her hips as he finally snapped out of his paralysis.

The only thing on her mind right now was that she was kissing James Potter. That she was essentially trapping James Potter between a wall and her body, snogging his brains out.

The only thing on her mind right now was how perfect everything was. How heated and how different than expected.

Lily had always thought that her first kiss with James would be initiated by her. True so far.

Lily had always thought that her first kiss with James would be soft, slow, probably not that long either. Wrong, wrong, and wrong again.

They had broken apart to catch their breath, but not for long. Seconds after James' lips had left hers, she had dragged him backwards with her, until her back had crashed into the counter.

Hopping on it again, Lily drew James towards her, connecting her lips with his once again.

She had known it all along: Once she'd get a taste of him, she'd never be able to ever let him walk out of her life.

"I think our trees and bells are burning" James murmured against her lips.

Lily chuckled, pressing her lips to his again.

"Yes, I think our trees and bells are burning" she chuckled.