FINAL UPDATE

I am not really sure there is much of a point in this update, since I don't really write the story anymore, but there is a reason for that, and here it goes.. Buckle up, kids. While the Big Bang Theory took a little break over the summer, I have started watching all a lot of other shows to fill my Thursday (was it?) nights. Anyways, I went through a lot of things; the office, HIMYM, the Walking Dead, Constantine, Friends, the list goes on. Now, seeing that the show is back I was pretty exited... at first. The first scene made me quite skeptical, and honestly i didn't make it past the middle before angrily shutting the tab. I don't want to offend anyone here, so I am not going to say what I was going to before, and now that bit about other shows seems pretty useless. Anyways, before I rant too much.. I just don't like the show anymore, and that is pretty much all there is to it. I don't know how many people will read this, but I don't want to be a kind of author to leave people hanging.

That said, thank you so much for all the support. I went from being a strangely hyper horrible writer, to, well, far less hyper and slightly less horrible one, seeing as this was my first fanfic ever it really showed me what's what. All jokes aside, thanks to anyone who reviewed, read, followed and favorited my story, you guys are absolutely amazing. Waking up in the morning and seeing a nice review, or even a follow/favorite from here in my email was just amazing, and as cliche as it is, it was great seeing something i love doing be appreciated. Of course, I didn't think this story would even get any positive attention at all (Gee i wonder why), but thank you so much for backing me up, you sick, sick, sadistic jerks. Once I find something good to write about, I will surely post some other stories, but so far, thank you again, and see you. :)

PS. If anyone wants to do anything with this thing (and i have no idea why you would but hey), PM me and go nuts :/

Sheldon stood in place for a few seconds, staring at his best friend. In the past, whenever people wanted to talk to him directly, it was always something bad. He was never good with reading social cues, but it was obvious that I need to talk to you might as well have been just a plain and simple "you're in trouble". Sheldon felt his palms sweat, but then, Leonard has been nothing but obnoxiously kind lately, so Sheldon just rightfully assumed that he'd be fine.

The physicist started walking over to his spot, realizing that Leonard had casually moved to the side and now was standing behind the couch, half blocking the empty doorframe that lead to the bedrooms. The shorter guy nodded and followed behind, making Sheldon's hope of being left alone disappear and his nervousness act up again.

"And by talk, I mean you are actually going to respond. That means not just ignoring me"

Sheldon's eyes widened at the sudden commanding and stern tone. Leonard was always friendly, even before the recent events. He never demanded anything, he was always that nice guy without a backbone. The guy half of whose speech consisted of unsure questions. Now though, Sheldon felt as if he was looked down upon, like he was about to get screamed at any time, and if there was one thing he absolutely hated, it was getting yelled at. The physicist sat down on his spot, nodding in agreement. There was really no point in arguing, not that Sheldon wanted to anyways.

"Sheldon?" Leonard didn't sound concerned or worried, but demanding, without a hint of hesitation in his voice.

"Yes…" The taller guy didn't know what to say. He just stared at his own two hands, looking down.

Leonard, in turn walked over to the kitchen, but Sheldon could feel his roommate's eyes fixated on him, as if waiting for Sheldon to do something.

"What kind of tea do you want?" Leonard asked, still, the same cold tone in his speech, casually changing the non-existent subject. It was almost annoyed, to the point of being ready to snap at any reply, other than the one he had in mind.

"I.. ugh.. No, it's fine" Sheldon tried to decline, but already knew he had given the wrong response. Lately, Sheldon realized that it's been hard for him to even keep food down. He never really felt hungry, and his appetite was completely gone. All the food just seemed bitter, or was completely tasteless to him. At first, Sheldon assumed it was just the hospital meals, since none of them were supposed to be flavoursome, but it was the same with all the treats his friends secretly brought him. Like all the other things, it just didn't work out.

There was a long pause, silence filled with only the sound the water starting to boil in a tiny electric kettle. Leonard pulled out a round brown cup from the cupboard and set it down with a loud sigh.

"I didn't ask you if you wanted any. Which one?" the shorter of two friends sounded pissed, and Sheldon sank deeper in to sofa, not knowing why, or what he even did.

It was like Leonard had suddenly gone crazy, or maybe he just controlled himself within the walls of the hospital and around people. Sheldon tried his hardest to be as little trouble as possible. He didn't complain, or say anything that could upset anyone. It had been pretty hard to consider all the social rules his friends brought up over the years, be it straight up or subtly. "Don't randomly change the subject, don't offend people, don't be egoistic and only whine about your own problems, don't mention disturbing or upsetting things in public, learn to listen… stop talking already." The physicist realized people didn't like him speaking too much, all the time, so he didn't. As someone he didn't really want to remember once said, "Shut the fuck up and stop crying already, this is getting annoying," Yes, great quotes come unexpectedly, and so does one's understanding of irony and sarcasm, Sheldon thought bitterly. Since when did he have such a shallow sense of humor? Why was he even joking about something like this? Nothing made too much sense anymore.

A loud thump of their big tea box being set down brought Sheldon back to reality and he caught Leonard just looking at him, not saying word, his expression unamused and cold.

"Ugh.. Black?"

Sheldon realized he felt dizzy, and wanted to leave. His skin seemed to burn and his vision narrowed and became a bit blurry.

"Damn it, Sheldon, we have like seventeen of them. Screw it, I'll just make you a random one" Leonard replied, with an uncalled for hostility in his voice and carelessly opened and threw a teabag inside the cup, letting the foil wrapper fall onto the table. Not saying another word, he poured the hot water in and set the kettle back down as loudly as he probably could.

Sheldon still didn't understand what was happening, or what he did wrong. He literary didn't do anything in the past hour but stare at the bright TV screen. The guy realized that he was slightly shaking, and couldn't breathe. Nervousness and fear were never an easy thing for him to manage, even before he started jumping at every noise and being afraid of his own shadow.

Leonard fell back into the sofa, landing on the other side of the couch, with an empty spot between the two friends. He tried not to be mad, but one can only take that much before he snaps. Leonard knew he shouldn't be annoyed or angry, but he desperately wanted the so named journey to be over. It was hard to realize, but even though it's only been a few weeks, he desperately wanted his dorky, annoying, but happy roommate back. Well, at least he wanted to feel like he is on the way to getting there, contrary to the past few weeks when Sheldon was completely the same. He knew Sheldon must've been trying, but he wasn't trying enough.

"So." The shorter guy started, being a bit louder than he had intended to, as he sat down. Immediately, Sheldon closed his eyes, and covered his head, bending over and pressing again the opposite end of the couch as much as he could, to the point of Sheldon's left arm starting to redden. He winced, closing his eyes, as if he was expecting some… Leonard looked over in shock, as he realized what he had just accomplished. Sheldon opened on of his eyes, as if peeking through his cover. He looked to the side, and sat up a bit, still slightly crouching over.

"No… no.. hey, god…Sheldon… hey.. listen.. I wasn't gonna… Sheldon, listen to me"

Leonard instinctively moved closer to Sheldon's half of the couch, putting on a fake smile as the situation completely changed moods over a few brief seconds.

"I would never… god, Sheldon, I would never even think about-"

"What did you want to tell me?"

Sheldon interrupted, looking up, his eyes wide. He never really talked over people anymore, and for some reason, everyone has noticed the physicist become so much less rude, maybe it just seemed like it, just because they didn't hear him much.

Suddenly, Leonard realized that he didn't even have a real plan. Despite his mother's efforts, he never cared much about neuroscience, let alone psychology, so his entire arsenal consisted of "do you want to talk about it?" and "how are you feeling?" He remembered the time they collectively wanted to help Sheldon overcome his stage fright for his award acceptance speech, and what a disaster their little "session" was. Sheldon always appeared to be stronger and just put up a straight face. The friends always joked about his robotic and non-existent expressions, but at some level, Leonard got jealous of the trait at times, but as he grew to understand after a few years, Sheldon just had different ways of being upset. Instead of crying or yelling, like most people do, he would just try to distract himself with something. Of course, he never did the whole "I need to appear tough and put on my strong fort" thing, but he was just indifferent.

Often, in the first few years of their friendship, Leonard wondered how many times his roommate cried himself to sleep after he left the living room in a rush. Sometimes, he would try to listen, going as far as standing awkwardly on his bed, putting his ear to the wall, like a preschooler trying to hear his parents talk about a Christmas gift. He could never understand how someone just didn't cry, laugh or raise his voice much above average, at least in private, in the confines of his own little place. As it turned out, Sheldon just didn't.

"Well, you know, we haven't had a descent chat in forever. I thought we could, you know, just talk" Leonard handed his best friend the cup, which Sheldon gladly, but awkwardly accepted.

"That's a rather harsh way to strike up a conversation" Sheldon didn't smile, but he didn't seem serious either. It was actually surprising how light toned his mood was.

"Yeah, yeah I guess it is" Leonard tried to squeeze out an apologetic smile, realizing how irrationally angry he was for the past few minutes.

"I'm sorry… I've been kind of on edge lately. It's been a long day." Leonard rubbed his eyes, lifting his glasses in the air a bit. It looked as if he's aged years in the past few week, or maybe it was the lack of sleep or the stress showing in puffy eyes and pale features.

"Are… are you alright?" Sheldon looked over, his big blue eyes full of genuine concern, which was extremely rare of him. Leonard had never seen him care much about any other person, although he seemed to become bit by bit more humane as time passed, or maybe he just became slightly better at acting, there was no real way to tell.

"Well, you know, everything's been kind of falling apart lately. And Leslie called yesterday, and she was all mad at me since I should've called back like two weeks ago. But, honestly, I haven't had a good night's rest in forever, and now I feel like I'm gonna make you hate me… again."

"Oh, I see." Sheldon looked straight with an absolutely blank face, facing the far end of the room in front of him, where the bookshelves proudly displayed a collection of scientific texts, which haven't been read in years. Leonard never displayed too much interest in obscure sciences, and Sheldon read them long ago, as a kid who tried to gather as much information as possible, and didn't exactly need his memory refreshed.

"Is there anything I can do?" Sheldon finally asked, still not facing his friend, and seemed to be far more fascinated with the old covers. Leonard let out a slight ironic chuckle, rubbing his eyes.

"Wow, this is the exact opposite of the conversation we should be having right now." Leonard leaned back on the couch, looking at his best friend getting confused. Sheldon was rarely trying to help, and that would be an overstatement, Sheldon almost never tried to do anything for others. He often said that people should take care of themselves, but now his philosophy seemed to change drastically. Leonard started to question his ideas, but than his sly part won over, and he continued the conversation.

"Although, there one thing you could do."

Sheldon titled his head a bit, expecting a conclusion. Lately, he felt like a liability, and that all Leonard's stress had been his fault, regardless Sheldon's multiple efforts to stay as, if you can put it that way, as invisible as possible.

"Sure" The physicist knew he couldn't really do much to help. It was painful to admit, but he knew he couldn't even take the garbage out, let alone clean the apartment or help with cooking or groceries. He also knew that he'd probably break half the kitchen attempting to cook tomorrow's scrambled eggs, but, well, do or do not, there is not try. Whatever Leonard would ask, Sheldon was determined to do it.

"Talk to me, then."

"Huh?" Sheldon staggered at the unusual request "I am talking to you"

Leonard sighed loudly, "Not about the right things. Come on, you know what I mean."

Sheldon looked at the floor, not saying anything.

"You always do this, you always just try to do things on your own. I know you don't really enjoy the whole "feelings" thing, but it's not like I'm an idiot, I can tell when you're upset, I am your best friend for god's sake. I mean, you always tell people why, but never what you really feel. You always say things like "I'm mad because you went somewhere without me", but you never mention why you want to come in the first place, since you hate people so much, or what you'd wished we did. Honestly, I've spend way too much time thinking about those things than you give me credit for. You know, I would actually kill to read your mind, in fact, a lot of people would. But then, I guess I just hoped this one time you'd trust me enough to actually say it."

There was a long uncomfortable silence between the two. Sheldon's been told a lot about how amazing his mind was, and how interesting it could be, but he never assumed people cared much about anything beyond the eidetic memory and the ability to solve math equations is seconds. Sheldon faced his own reflection in the tea, thinking. He did trust Leonard probably more than anyone, and besides, Leonard seemed like he actually wanted to help. It wasn't like he wanted to satisfy his own curiosity, Leonard actually seemed to believe that talking might make Sheldon feel better, and that wasn't the last thing on Sheldon's own bucket list. Come to think of it, there wasn't much Sheldon could do himself, he wasn't controlling virtually anything anymore, and there was nothing bad in trying to go with the flow for once. After what seemed like hours of Leonard patiently waiting, Sheldon continued the conversation himself.

"I honestly have no clue about what I feel myself. I just don't know what to do anymore... I mean, face it, my life is essentially ruined."

"What?" Leonard looked at Sheldon, completely baffled, his moth slightly opened. He wasn't quite sure what he expected from Sheldon, but it certainly wasn't something as hopeless. "Why on earth would you say that?"

"Look at me, I can't even go anywhere without well, you know.." Sheldon trailed of, bringing his hand up to his face, feeling the still raw scars going across what used to be his perfect skin.

"First of all" Leonard said, after an audible sigh "It's really not as bad as you think, I promise you. And more importantly… Since when do you even care about your looks? I mean, I am not saying it looks bad per se, but if that's what you are worried about—"

"I don't care how it looks, I just don't want people to... look at me like I am.." Sheldon trailed off again, refusing to make eye contact. Come to think of it, Sheldon stopped looking at people whatsoever, and preferred talking to walls more, but then again, he never really had the habit of doing so before.

"Wait.. Do you seriously care about people staring? Wow, that's a first too." Leonard added with a low chuckle. Sheldon never seemed to be bothered about appearing weird in public, he was just doing his thing, all the time. Nobody really knew why, Leonard just assumed it was either that he just didn't understand, or that he considered others to be too much below himself to ever pay any attention. Either way, it just sounded strange, so none of the friends ever tried to confront him about it. Most things could be explained by a simple "That's just how he is"

Sheldon just gave his a disappointed look, biting his lower lip and looking down. Leonard cursed himself in his own head, some things aren't truly fun to joke about.

"I know… not appreciated. Sorry. But you know, just give it a few weeks, you're going to be fine, you'll see"

Nobody said anything for a quite some time. When, for yet another time, Leonard chose to break the silence.

"This really isn't what I wanted to talk to you about" he said, looking at his best friend, hoping that he understood what Leonard was trying to say in the first place.

"I know... I guess I was just hoping I could distract you." A reply followed, so straightforward and clear. Leonard smiled, sometimes Sheldon was so see-through, just bluntly saying whatever he thought. If only he could do that all the time.

"See? Come on, it's not so hard. Go." Leonard announced cheerfully.

"I… I don't know what to say…"

"Well, my mother is a psychiatrist, I should be able to figure this out." The shorter guy continued, without dropping his smile.

"I don't need a psychiatrist."

"Yeah, yeah, whatever you say. So, in one word, how do you feel?" Leonard brought up all his psychiatric knowledge, which was essentially composed of short movie and book scenes watched in the past.

"Ugh... Disgusting?"

Leonard felt his confidence suddenly disappear. He did not have the social or professional skills for these kinds of conversations and he knew it too well.

"Elaborate?" he continued, his voice quite shaky.

"I.. shouldn't, right? It's not like I had a choice, per se. I mean, its not like a wanted do any of… I shouldn't really be accounted for it, right?"

Leonard listened to his roommate's little rant for a while, in shock. It was like one of those rare times when someone would ask for help, and figure a solution by just constructing a simple explanation for the person in question. Furthermore, Sheldon was doubtfully smart, and he could figure almost everything out just by putting his mind to it; sometimes it took month, sometimes sheer seconds, but Sheldon would always find a way.

When Sheldon was finished, or rather done with blurting out unfinished thoughts, Leonard finally dared to pose something that's been eating him up for days.

"Sheldon, can I ask you something? It's kinda weird, but I need to know."

"I suppose"

"Well, first, do you have any idea of who it could be? I just can't understand why someone would do that, out of all the ways they could've gotten… whatever… Not important. Anyway, um, I was wondering, why didn't you, well, you know, scream your lungs out? Try to attract some attention? Why did you ...well, just take it all?" Leonard felt himself blush, some questions do not need to be answered, as he realized.

"What do you mean? It was either you or me. It was a "deal", I he said… I mean, it worked, didn't it? I guess that's something…"

Leonard sat there, mortified. He didn't really remember most of that evening, but it never occurred to him how close he actually was. Granted, the thought of the whole scenario turning out like this crossed his mind briefly, but he never took it for much. All the years he spent calling Sheldon a selfish bastard became evidently ruined, and even with bare facts presented before him he could not grasp the idea of Sheldon putting himself on the line.

"Oh, god... you actually… you went through all this…I just… I'm sorry…" Leonard felt his eyes water a bit. He often talked about how loyal and trustworthy Sheldon was, but Sheldon never really "care enough to do anything" but right now, Sheldon seemed to be the most selfless person in the entire world.

"Man.. you are like a hero now. This is insane… I guess I have to apologise for ever calling you egoistic or pretentious… god, I feel like a real piece of shit now" Leonard already started to regret using such harsh language, knowing how uncomfortable Sheldon was with any of it. He saw his vision blur slightly with accumulating tears. Sometimes, he felt like he was far more upset than Sheldon himself, or at least he was so much better at showing it. "I'm so sorry" He blurted out, without knowing what else to say.

"Uh.. If it makes you feel any better I did have a gun in my face" Sheldon said, with a helpless shrug.

"How would that make me feel better?" Leonard looked at him in confusion.

"Well… I wasn't particular doing anything solely out of good intentions. Realistically speaking, I should be glad I'm not dead."

"Wow.. After so many years of knowing you, you still somehow manage to shock me."

Suddenly, Sheldon stood up, putting his still-full cup on the table and straightening his loosely fit clothes, consisting of a plain thin light blue shirt, which Penny claimed to be actually "design" and not just low quality and pajama pants that hanged loosely around his hips.

"This was great, thank you"

"Hold on"

"What?"

"If feel like you need a hug" Leonard said, with a smile, knowing full well he wasn't lying. Random strange requests like this seemed to make his roommate just a bit more open, and there was no real way to tell why. Sheldon, in turn, hesitated and slightly backed away.

"Come on, you trust me, don't you?"

Sheldon didn't respond for a moment, but, finally, after a long excruciating pause he looked at the floor, shaking his head slightly.

"I'm sorry" Sheldon finally uttered under his breath. He wrapped his arms around himself and walked to the dark hallway leading into the bedrooms, leaving Leonard completely frozen in the middle of the room.

A/N

"You will never look at another person the same way again. Trust may never come back, and sanity takes its time coming back as well. You are a prisoner in your own body – afraid to feel, afraid to love, and afraid to relax at all."

I really enjoy quotes.