Title: Things cannot be reversed (we learn from the times we are cursed)
Series: Broken Hearts and Betrayal (Part 4 of ?)
Category: Arrow
Genre: Angst/Romance
Ship: Felicity/Oliver
Rating: Teen/PG-13
Word Count: 2,742
Summary: Digg helps Oliver get some perspective on things with Felicity, and a little revenge for breaking her heart.

Previous: When they ask me if I regret it (I'll lie and say I do), I really fucked it up this time (didn't I, my dear?), I saved you every time (I was a fool for love),

Things cannot be reversed (we learn from the times we are cursed)
-1/1-

Oliver heard him coming down the stairs long before he saw him, but he didn't turn to face his friend. Instead, he focused all of his energy on the dummy he was taking his frustration out on, a kali stick in each of his hands, beating them against every vital point on the body in front of him. He just kept hitting, exerting himself until every muscle protested, fiery with overuse. His knuckles hurt from gripping too tightly, but he didn't slow or loosen his hold. He just kept attacking, taking comfort in the smack of each blow, in the reverberation that shook his arm with each hit.

Diggle sighed in the background. "You done beating yourself up?"

He slammed the sticks down on either side of the dummy's neck before turning to face him. "No."

Stoic, John stood peering down at Oliver with an angry tension that Oliver understood, even appreciated, but wished he didn't. Things had been good between them for years now. In the wake of Tommy's loss, in the development of the team, he and John had become friends, partners, brothers in arms. He trusted Digg with his secret, his life, his family… He could see the disappointment in his face, and it hurt.

"You talked to Felicity," he said, tossing his sticks to the mats and focusing on his hands as he flexed them, his knuckles pinching.

"She called," he replied shortly. "She's with Carly now… crying."

Oliver winced, turning his head away and closing his eyes. He let out a long breath and clenched his teeth when it came out shaky. "I screwed up."

The room was quiet but filled with judgmental silence all the same. He hadn't asked for a reason, an explanation, but Oliver felt like he owed him one. Felicity didn't want to hear the why, she didn't care about how it happened, only that he let it. And she was right. He let Laurel get close, he let her kiss him, he let her feelings come before his relationship with Felicity. He wished he hadn't. If he could go back… He laughed bitterly, his head falling back.

If he could go back…

What then?

There was so much Oliver wished he could change in his life. Some days he wished he could go back to see the old version of him, shake him, tell him not to make the same stupid mistakes. Grow up, help his dad see the error of his ways, avoid this whole insane mess. But what then? Would his life have been better? Would he have been happier?

What did it matter anyway? There was no going back, no remaking his history for the better. His father was dead, Tommy too, and countless others when the Glades fell, more too when he raised a bow and played judge, jury, and executioner. And then, to put a cherry on top of his already sordid life, he thought he would ruin the only stable, healthy relationship he had in his life.

"Laurel came to my office…"

Already he could see Digg throw his head back in exasperation.

"I know. I know!" He shook his head. "But it wasn't like that, not initially. She found me, she was emotional, I… I thought it was Felicity at first. She always gives me time to regroup away from the crowd and it was about time for her to find me. But then Laurel was there and she was talking about breaking up with her boyfriend and I… I felt bad. She said… She was holding herself back. That some part of her thought she was still waiting on me, and she wanted to prove to herself she wasn't, she needed a sign. I wasn't thinking." He threw his hands up before bringing them back to drag down his face in frustration.

Digg stared on at him, a brow raised in accusation.

"I know what you're thinking. The same as Felicity. It's Laurel. It'll always be Laurel. But you're wrong…" He shook his head, his breathing picking up with his agitation. "That's not true. I feel guilty when I'm around her, okay? I feel guilty that all I ever do is seem to hurt her. I break her heart, over and over again. I ruined things with Tommy. I didn't even save him in the end. And now here she is telling me that she's trying to move on and I'm in the way. Again. And all I can think is that I'm doing it again. I'm always hurting her. I'm always in the way. She just needed to let go. She needed to move on. Like I had."

He slammed a hand back against his chest, blinking against the bite of tears in his eyes. "Because I did. I moved on. I was happy… For the first time since the island, since Tommy, everything, I was happy. And here was Laurel, beautiful, broken Laurel, desperate to be happy, and I already was, away from her. All I felt was guilt. The worse parts of her life can be tied to me, but here I was finally getting everything I wanted."

He threw his hands up and laughed, incredulously at his own stupidity. "So I let her. I let her prove to herself that I wasn't it for her. She didn't need to wait… And she kissed me. I—I didn't kiss her back, but I let her. I let her get close. I stood there, waiting, convincing myself that it would be okay because she'd be able to let go and I could be free after. I wouldn't feel like I'd ruined her…

"But Felicity saw… She came to get me, and she saw me and Laurel, and she realized I was everything everyone warned her I was…" He gritted his teeth when his lips started to tremble. "Still the same idiot making the same stupid mistakes."

Digg shook his head slowly. "You're making the same mistakes 'cause you never dealt with them the first time around."

"So what am I supposed to do, huh?" he shouted. "What's my penance for all the shit I pulled? Five years on that island, three and a half years here, I haven't learned one damn lesson? Is that it? I just keep doing the wrong things and hurting the best people?"

"I can't tell you what you're going to do, Oliver. You're the one steering this train. Either it wrecks or it doesn't, that's up to you."

He turned his back to him and walked away a few paces, his frame vibrating with frustration. "I didn't want this… I didn't want to hurt her. She was… She was the last person I wanted to…" He shook his head. "I know you think it was always leading here, but I didn't plan this. I didn't expect this."

"Laurel is always going to be a sore spot in your life. You hold onto what happened with her too tightly. You feel guilty because you haven't forgiven yourself for what you did. I don't know if she has, maybe she hasn't and maybe she never will. But you can't live your whole life making decisions based on whether you feel guilty about how it went down with her… Because this cycle you have going, the back and forth, the love and hate? It's not leading anywhere good."

His head gave a jerking nod. "And Felicity?" he wondered, his voice hoarse.

Digg was quiet as he walked toward him, bending to grab up the sticks before he stepped past him on to the mats, tossing one back as he raised an eyebrow at him. "You tell me… What are you going to do about Felicity?"

He turned the stick over in his hand and frowned. "She needs time… She needs space from me."

"How much time?"

He shrugged. "She quit as my assistant, pulled some strings and now she's back in IT… She'll be happier there."

"And what about here? Has she left the team?"

He shook his head. "No, but she plans on keeping her distance from me. She's going to schedule her visits so we have less contact." He smiled darkly. "Used to spend every minute with her, now I'll be lucky if I see her at all…"

Digg attacked, landing a hard blow to Oliver's shoulder. He groaned, rolled his arm to relieve the pain, and raised his own stick as he got into position.

"You know you deserve this, right?"

"A beating, or her pushing me away?"

A smirk tugged at his lips, but fled as quickly as it came. "Both."

Oliver blocked his next attack, but Digg wasn't keeping it to just the sticks and struck out with his arm, landing a solid punch to Oliver's solar plexus, sending him stumbling back a few steps.

With a shuddering exhale, he pushed himself to stand, wincing as he went. "I know I deserve it… but I'm not giving up on her."

Digg swung at him with the stick and when Oliver deflected it, he slammed his elbow into Oliver's shoulder, making him bend forward and grunt. They were both aware that the only reason Oliver was getting hit so much was because he was preoccupied, but that didn't take away any from John's righteous triumph.

"You think that's best for her?" Diggle asked, circling Oliver as he twirled his stick in his hand. "You already hurt her once. What makes you think you won't again?"

He stared at the mats a long moment, his brow furrowed. "You didn't see her face…" He swallowed thickly. "She was surprised I was there… She thought I'd just give up and walk away. She thought I'd pick Laurel." He winced, a flash of obvious pain cutting across his face. "But the whole time Laurel was kissing me, the whole time she was telling me she needed to know she didn't want to be with me, there wasn't a moment where I doubted how I felt. There wasn't a moment where I thought I could be happier with Laurel. And I let Felicity think different. I knew how insecure she was about that. I know my history with Laurel scared her, and I still did it…" He raised his head to look at Digg, his face a mix of pain, regret, and, more than anything else, determination. "I won't make the mistake again. Whatever it takes, I'm going to show her that I can be better. I will be better."

Diggle stared at him a long moment and then he lunged forward, slamming the end of his stick into Oliver's stomach so he lurched forward before he grabbed him by the scruff of his neck and bent him back so they were face to face.

"Let's be clear… You're my friend, Oliver. One of my closest. I'd take a bullet for you any day of the damn week. But Felicity is my friend too, and I got her in my apartment, crying her eyes out on Carly's shoulder… She ever comes back crying over you because you broke her damn heart again, I don't care how guilty you feel, I'll put one of your own damn arrows in you." He stared down at him searchingly, his face a stark mask of steel. "Do you understand?"

Oliver offered a short nod, and Diggle released him.

Rubbing the back of his neck, Oliver looked back at him. "I'd let you."

Digg raised a questioning eyebrow.

"If I ever hurt her like this again… I'd hand you the bow myself."

He gave a heavy sigh then and shook his head. "Sometimes I think you do this shit just to add to your already heaping pile of issues, you know that?"

Oliver rolled his eyes and snorted.

Digg raised his stick again. "Come on… I think we both need this… And put up a real fight this time."

Flexing his fingers on his own stick, Oliver nodded, raising it for a fight. He let Digg attack this time and countered as it came. With his head a little more focused, he was able to take on his opponent without pause. Now it was Digg who was stumbling, taking blow after blow, until finally he tossed his stick away and held up a hand, admitting defeat. But there was no enjoyment to get out of winning, not today.

Walking off the mats, Oliver grabbed up a towel and wiped the sweat that clung to his skin as he padded toward the computer set-up he'd been avoiding even looking at since he left Felicity's apartment. Seconds and minutes passed in silence. Diggle dug out a bottle of water and eventually joined him as he stood, staring at her empty seat.

"Do you think she'll ever forgive me?"

He didn't answer right away, giving it some thought. "I think… that girl loves you enough to forgive you for a lot of things… Some things she probably shouldn't… And I think if you really love her, you need to make sure that forgiveness is because you deserve it."

He turned his head to look at him a long moment before he nodded, taking his words to heart.

A little more time passed just staring at her chair before John decided to take his leave, clapping Oliver on the shoulder before he went. "Try not to let those demons take you too far down," he said in farewell.

And then Oliver was left with an empty foundry once more. There were things he could do, places he could be, but instead he stood and he thought about what Digg had said. He had to be worthy of her apology. His baggage, his guilt, his issues with Laurel and his past, those were defining problems that had helped to make this happen. Maybe if he wasn't still holding on to the guilt that Laurel's life was ruined because of him, that Tommy's death was all his fault, that he didn't save everyone in the Glades, maybe then he wouldn't be so quick to make the kind of mistakes that were bound to blow up in his face. Even if Felicity hadn't seen them, how would she have reacted if he'd told her after what had happened? Would she have been able to forgive him because of his honesty, or would the mistake be too large, even with his admission?

And did he deserve her forgiveness?

He'd made mistakes in his life, a lot of them. He thought he was getting better. Taking up the Arrow mantle and righting wrongs on a daily basis somehow hadn't leaked enough into his regular life that he understood when he was failing himself or the people he loved. Where others might learn from their mistakes, he only seemed to repeat them. He was tired of the repetition, of hurting people who loved and trusted him. He wanted to make this right. He wanted Felicity back. He wanted to show her that he wasn't the worst mistake she ever made.

But to do that, he needed to work on himself first. He needed to fix the parts of him that almost seemed too broken, too fractured, to fit back together. He needed to be whole. Because those empty spaces, those jagged parts that weren't fitting together just right, they were hurting him, and her, and everyone around him.

He sat down in her chair and accessed her computers slowly, carefully, as if expecting them to revolt to keep intruders from using her precious babies. But the password was just the same as he last remembered, her keyboard yielded under his tapping fingers, and the internet seemed to move even faster, as if to help him find his salvation, his penance, even quicker.

And then he had it.

He had an option, a chance at relief.

He did a little more research to make sure this was what he wanted, this what where he needed to go.

And then he had a number plugged into his phone and it was ringing.

He took a deep breath as a voice on the other end answered. "Uh, hi, yes… I— I wanted to make an appointment for one-on-one counseling…?"

It was a start. One step toward relieving some of his guilt, his mistakes. And when she was ready, when he asked for a second chance, he would know that he did his best to deserve it, to deserve her.

[End.]

Sequel posted: 'Every whisper, every sigh (eats away this heart of mine)'

Author's Note: I have at least 3 more parts to this story already planned out which I'm really excited for you guys to read. How do you like the ending of this one? 'Cause honestly, I love the idea that Oliver is seeking out help for his mental anguish. Sure, it's romantic that Felicity helps him find peace, and she has, but it's important to remember that those mental scars won't just go away, they need to be dealt with.

I hope you guys like how this is progressing. I've noticed a decline in reviews, so I'm not sure if that means less readers or if this isn't the direction you were all hoping it would go in. Please let me know. Reviews certainly help drive my inspiration for any story or series I'm writing. In fact, a few reviewers will see their ideas pop up in future plots, so I hope you guys notice which ones are yours.

I noticed a few people hoping I might put this all into one story for easier reading, but as they're already split up, I don't really want to delete the singular stories and add them to the first part because then I'd lose the reviews and I like to return and re-read them for inspiration. That and I rather like thinking up new titles for each part. However, if you visit my AO3 account - sarcastic_fina - you can find them all connected, as they have a series option over there, or my LJ account - also sarcastic_fina - as I link each part back to each other. Hope that helps!

Thank you so much for reading!

- Lee | Fina