Title: Dating Lessons

Author: S J Smith

Rating: Teen

Disclaimer: Do you see a copyright on this? No? Well, that should be enough to prove I don't own it, nor am I making any money.

Summary: Darius and Heinkel are bored. Ed just wants a nap.

"Anybody know what day it is?"

Edward huddled deeper into his jacket, wishing they could make a bigger fire. At least they could have a fire, if he wanted to look on the bright side. The last few days, they'd been too close to people to have fires, and, while they were sleeping, more or less, during the day, it didn't mean it wasn't cold as hell out here. "Why?"

"Because I'm curious. I wonder if it's a Saturday?" Heinkel peered over the rims of his glasses at Edward, reminding him for a second of Pinako. Damn. He really didn't want to think about Risembool right now. He really didn't want to remember what the old hag's stew tasted like, or, hell, Winry's apple pie. Would Winry have made it to Risembool? Or would she have gone back to Rush Valley? Either place seemed equally bad – all anyone had to do was flip through his file, and figure out where his mechanic might be. Gah! If Kimblee hadn't blown up that platform, if he hadn't fallen on that piece of metal and needed surgery, if – if – if!

"I think the kid's out of it," Darius told Heinkel.

Edward shot a glare at them both. "I'm thinking," he grumbled. Well, trying not to think, really. Or remember. Damn it. Now that the thought of food came up, edible food, something other than scrounged up roots or early mushrooms, or too-skinny rabbits or squirrels, his stomach started growling. It was spring, there ought to be more food. Even poke weed wasn't coming up yet. Was it a late spring, or was it just because they were still so far north?

"Of your girlfriend?" Darius asked.

Flipping Donkey Kong an obscene gesture, Edward hunched down deeper into his coat.

"That means 'yes'," Heinkel said, nodding.

Edward decided not to include him in the gesture, only because moving would let in another cool breeze. "I'm trying to stay warm."

"Thinking of a girl'll help with that." Darius yawned, scratching his chest. "Course, then you might have other problems."

Heinkel snorted. "Not sure if the kid even knows about those kinds of problems."

"Hey, remember how the doc told us he knew the kid was getting better." Pointing his index finger, Darius raised it and let it tremble, just a bit.

"Fuck you," Edward grumbled, wondering if he went to sleep, if he'd be able to ignore his growling gut. And the two idiots with him.

"What a mouth on you." Darius shook his big head. "Hope you know how to do more than swear when you're with your girl."

"He doesn't," Heinkel said, "remember back at Briggs? Kimblee was making fun of him."

Snapping out of his half-doze, Edward fixed on the two men. "He what? Kimblee – that – that – he – what?" His brain short-circuited at the idea.

Darius rubbed his chin in remembrance. "Yeah, he said you wouldn't have a clue what to do with a girl on a Saturday night."

"Fuck that!" Edward snapped, leaping to his feet, nearly landing in the fire. "He doesn't know anything about me! Or what I've done with Winry! Or – or other girls!" Yeah, okay, most of that was from overhearing – whether he wanted to or not – Havoc and Breda talking about their dates, and that bastard, Mustang, joining in just so he could up the ante. What the hell would Winry want to do on a date, anyway? Go look at more stupid automail? No, unless it was something new, she might not care. Might. Maybe a movie? He remembered the movie man coming around every couple of months when they were kids, and everyone spreading blankets on the ground to watch whatever he'd brought. When they were little, they couldn't figure out why the older kids disappeared about halfway through the second movie. Now, he knew, even if he hadn't actually experienced that sort of thing himself. "I know what to do with a girl!"

The two older men exchanged a long look. "Virgin," they said in unison.

Edward gnashed his teeth. Hell if he could say they were wrong. "All right," he ground out, "tell me, with all your wisdom, what I should do with a girl on a Saturday night."

From the matching grins on Darius's and Heinkel's faces, he was going to be in hell just hearing about it. Mentally, Edward groaned. The things he did, so he could maybe get some sleep.

~ end ~