Out of the closet into the light

Hey there Danosaurs…How's it going? Ha… *coughs* Long time no see?*dodges incoming shitstorm* Okay wait! Please restrain your violent tendencies! I can explain I swear!

Believe it or not I haven't been procrastinating but in fact I actually have a life now! (Shocking for both you and me I know) So I've had to deal with lots of…New stuff. Also I've been slightly emotional with the weekly radio show with Phil coming to an end. Trust me guys you weren't the only ones who cried…Phil was inconsolable for hours.

I didn't cry despite what Phil says. I was peeling onions at the time. Yeah…

Anyway, as it's been so long since I last wrote another chapter I thought maybe I should do a good one to make up for it (not that it's my fault of course.) So today I think I'll talk about…

Maybe when I-…Nah too boring

Oh there was that time when we…Ah this story is a 'T' so…Not appropriate

I suppose I could talk about…Nah that ended really badly…I'm trying to make up for being away for so long not crush peoples feelings.

Okay. The thinking cap is on. If I was a hormonal teenage girl who wants to read something about the immensely charming and witty Dan Howell that is within the age limit…What would I want to read?

Oh. OH! I've got it! That's perfect!

I hope you're ready for this. It's going to get intense.

Like…Emotionally intense.

Fanfiction mode ACTIVATED!

*Scene*

So it was just a normal and completely uneventful day when the thing I put into the back of my mind happened.

I was just casually doing what I usually do on a typical Tuesday afternoon (cause who needs to wake up in the morning's right?) Here's the usual schedule that I tend to follow (on most days):

Breakfast, internet, snacks, internet, occasional conversation with Phil, internet, more food, more speaking with Phil and then (yes, you guessed it) more internet. That's about it…Maybe a little more food depending on how I'm feeling. Or internet…Usually more internet

But today was different.

Not in the whole dramatic sense like 'Oh my god there was this big explosion and Phil almost died and I finally realised how much he meant to me and blah blah blah' But it was a simple phone call which forced me to come to terms with who I was and be open with someone. That someone was, of course, Phil.

I was in my usual internet browsing position when Phil came into the room and made his way to the empty seat next to me. I smiled, casting a sideways glace at him which he returned half heartedly. Weird. I brushed it off and continued scrolling down on Tumblr reblogging some more hilarious pictures.

Phil repeatedly looked towards me several times, opening and closing his mouth, before he eventually spoke.

"Hey Dan" Phil began awkwardly "Can I ask you something?"

I stopped and tore my eyes away from the screen watching Phil pulling at one of his sleeves and not making eye contact with me. Phil only usually does that when he was nervous about something so I closed my laptop and balanced it on the arm of the sofa, turning towards him to give him my full attention.

"Sure Phil, what's up?" I replied, smiling at him hoping to give him some comfort as he looked incredible anxious at this point.

He looked up for a second, smiling backwards before setting his eyes back on his sleeve.

"Well…" He began "You had a phone call earlier when you were sleeping" (It was the morning. Hence why I was still sleeping)

I saw him swallow before continuing "And they left you a message but I don't know who it is"

I frowned at this information. Usually anyone who called our house phone knew both me and Phil so I understand why Phil was confused. I was as well at this point. I decided to investigate more.

Oh, big mistake.

"Who was it?" I asked genuinely curious.

"He said his name was Jake"

I closed my eyes, biting my lip as I tried to recall why that name sounded really familiar…

"What was the message?"

An even bigger mistake

I questioned Phil who was fidgeting even more now and looking increasingly awkward as the conversation continued.

"He said he wanted to buy you a drink sometime…" That was it? Was Phil jealous of some dude who wanted to buy me a drink? I mean we'd had strangers (and the occasional fan) getting hold of our number and asking us out before so it wasn't that big of a deal. I smiled wider about to reply but Phil continued

"And he said he wanted to apologise for what happened 5 years ago…" Phil trailed off looking to me for an explanation but I had completely frozen at this point and felt the colour draining from my face.

"Dan? Dan you're going really pale…" He leaned forward putting both hands his hands on my shoulders "Dan! Are you Okay?" Phil shook me trying to get a response. My widened eyes met his panicked ones and it suddenly became very difficult to breathe.

I wasn't ready for this.

"I-I need some air" I mumbled quietly, standing up and swiftly walking out of the apartment, down the hundreds of stairs and into the afternoon sun.

My first thoughts were 'Why now?' as I slid down against the wall of our apartment taking deeps breaths to calm myself. This seemed like something out of a nightmare.

"Why now?" I whisper harshly squeezing my eyes shut in frustration.

Out of all the things to possibly crop up from my past this had to be the worst. I swear to god someone out there hates me and want me to fu-

"Dan?"

My head shot up to see Phil edging closer towards me. I had failed to hear him exiting the building and moving towards me slowly as if I was some timid animal ready to bolt. I sighed before tiredly looking up and throwing Phil a smile.

"Hey, don't worry about me I just-" I paused for a second contemplating on what to say. "I just was a bit surprised that's all"

Phil nodded slowly still looking unsure but giving me a half smile back. He offered out a hand to help me stand which I gladly accepted. The second I had gotten onto my feet I found myself in the comforting embrace of my best friend who repeatedly rubbed my back in a comforting gesture.

"Are sure you're okay?" Phil asked pulling back slightly to look into my eyes. We were extremely close and I had to swallow harshly to ignore the close proximities we had and concentrate on the situation I was currently in.

I sighed, nodding slightly more to comfort Phil than myself. He smiled and pulled away from the embrace making me miss the warmth immediately. It may have been sunny but it was definitely not warm outside.

"Shall we go back inside…And talk?" He added the last part hesitantly but after a few moments I nodded again and gestured for him to lead the way back up to the flat. He smiled and led the way.

All the way back up to the flat he glanced round literally every five seconds to check I was still there and following him. It was nice that he obviously cared so much but I wasn't a delicate flower that was about to be stepped on (No gay jokes. There's nothing wrong with comparing yourself to a flower!)

Back in the flat Phil had parked himself next to me on the sofa with his legs crossed towards me as if he was five years old and it was story time for the children. Well…Phil was more a child than an adult so that wasn't completely weird.

I took a deep breath.

"It's a hell of a long story Phil…Just-I don't know. Ask me questions and I'll answer them" He smiled noticing my discomfort and gave me my own way. Not an uncommon occurrence.

He was silent as his face scrunched up as he thought of his questions. Damn it he was adorable…Moving on.

"How do you know him?" And there's the first question.

"He was erm" I cleared my throat before continuing. "He was my ex-girlfriends brother"

Realisation struck as Phil exclaimed "Oh! Lucy's brother?"

"Yeah, that one"

Silence followed once more as Phil mulled over this new information. Eventually he asked him next question.

"He said he wanted to apologise…" I bit my lip as Phil continued. "Was he mean to you or something?"

"No…"

"Did he hurt you?"

"Not…Not exactly"

"Cause if he hurt you I'll-"

"Phil he didn't hurt me"

"Find him and I'll give him-"

Oh god he was on a rant. When he gets ranting he's pretty much impossible to stop.

"Phil, are you even listening?"

"A piece of my mind. No one hurts-"

Okay. Apparently not

"Phil."

"My best friend and gets away-"

"HE KISSED ME!"I blurted out without thinking.

Phil fell silent and so did I. I suddenly realised he was the first person I had ever told this too and almost smiled at the weight lifting from my shoulders that I hadn't even realised was there. However now there was this horrifically tense atmosphere forming as Phil stared at me and I kept my eyes on the ground.

"Did you kiss him back?"

Okay, not the question I had expected him to ask next.

I stare confusedly into Phil's eyes which stare determinedly back.

"I erm-…I-" Phil cut me off.

"Did you enjoy it?"

I imagine at this point in time my face reflects the appearance of a blushing fish (can fish blush?) with the way I'm just stupidly opening and closing my mouth trying to respond to these suddenly invasive questions. My breathing begins to become uneven due to the intensity behind Phil's voice shaking my core. However with me being myself I had to try and brush off the question with humour. Call it a defence mechanism if you will. Shit becomes too much then I joke about it.

"Not jealous are you Phil?" I asked jokingly looking away from him and standing up. I needed to get away but unfortunately Phil had other ideas.

He grabbed onto my wrist in a tight grip preventing me from leaving the room and getting out of the situation I was now stuck in. Of course I could have ripped my arm out of his grasp but for some reason I felt almost compelled to stay, like he was having this unconscious effect on me.

"What if I said I was?" Phil replied, tightening his grip and moving to stand directly behind me. His chest made contact with my back as he spoke softly next to my ear

"Would you kiss me then, too?"

I couldn't take much more of this. My heart was ready to burst from my chest, my thoughts were becoming erratic and (though I hate to admit it) I was becoming increasingly turned on with the way Phil was acting.

"Phil…" I breathed, feeling my eyelids grow heavy as his nose lightly brushes my neck and his arms carefully wrap themselves around my waist.

"Is there something you've been neglecting to tell me Dan?" his breath is hot against my skin as he talks and oh lord it's getting so much harder to think and function when he's acting like this.

"Maybe" I (embarrassingly) squeak out. Damn my sensitive neck.

"Care to share?"

I let out a heavy breath. If this was some act to get me to talk…Well it was definitely working but that's beside the point.

"I may have-Ah" his face is now full on nuzzling into my neck. Fuck. Shit. Balls. No not balls! Do not think of balls at a time like this! I began again.

"I may have lied to you"

"Well I wouldn't call it lying 'cause I never really asked you about it but-"

"No. Not about that"

Phil paused in his actions to allow me to continue talking, genuinely intrigued now.

"I wasn't honest exactly when I told you why me and Lucy broke up. It wasn't really due to distance and university really" I stopped for a second feeling completely lost. I wasn't used to talking about this shit. It was hard (Serious situation so no pun intended)

"It was because of Jake…I cheated on Lucy with him" I hung my head lower in shame. I was basically about to admit to my best friend what I'd been guilty about for years and I was still slightly turned on which really didn't help. Phil squeezed my waist as a comforting gesture and I continued

"We were celebrating our two year anniversary, me and Lucy I mean, and I'd gone upstairs to get her a blanket, I think she had fallen asleep or something…Anyways long story short, he was drunk he came onto me, I…Didn't really stop him until I realised what he was doing then bolted out the door, never saw him again, broke up with Lucy soon after and have questioned my sexuality ever since"

I took a deep relieved breath after that. Phil removed his arms from around me and I hesitantly turned to face him.

"So…" Phil started "You think you're G-"

"I'm not Gay!"

So maybe I replied a little too defensively. I looked away from him, awkwardly scratching my neck and thinking of how I could reply.

"I'm not…Gay. I still like girls…But I do sort of like guys too" I speeded the last part of the sentence up unnecessarily fast. Phil gave me a weak smirk

"So you're like half gay?" We stared at each other for a few seconds, not saying a word before bursting out into hysterical laughter and leaving the terrifyingly tense atmosphere behind. It actually got to the point where we actually had to sit back down again to catch our breaths. After a few minutes passed we both went back to looking at each other but this time with smiles on our faces as I said

"Maybe I am"

"Me too"

"Phil I already know that"

"I know but I felt like we were having a moment and I wanted to dramatically say something"

I let out a short laugh and looked away from Phil shaking my head at his attempt at humour. The silence was peaceful for a few moments as I sat there going over everything that had just happened.

"Will you forgive him?" Phil asked. "Jake, I mean"

"Probably, I was never mad at him really. More confused I guess. I just sort of put off ever contacting him again in case it was a repeat of what happened that night…But in a way I'm sort of grateful to him as well. If he hadn't done what he'd done then I'd probably still be in a dull relationship and have never moved in with you" I lean my head sideways giving him a smile which he returns.

"Well then I'm grateful too" Phil stated, his smile growing wider

"Yeah?"

"Yeah"

We continued to just gaze at each other comfortably not speaking for awhile as I think about what this could possibly mean for our relationship now. Then a thought pops into my head.

"Phil, did Jake say anything else on the phone? Like did he ask who you were?"

Phil's eyebrows scrunched together as he thought and then raised again when he remembered.

"He asked who I was and I told him I was Phil and he asked if I was your boyfriend…That's about it I think, the rest you already know"

"Oh. Okay…What did you say?"

"About what?"

"When he asked if you were my boyfriend"

One thing about Phil that unfortunately he can't control is how pale his skin is, so when he begins to blush profusely it's so painfully obvious. I smirk as he excuses himself to go to the bathroom.

"Don't have too much fun in there" I call out suggestively watching as he picks up speed in his embarrassment.

I laugh quietly to myself as I lie down on the sofa. It wasn't the greatest day I'd ever had but it was certainly one to remember.

The day I finally came out of the closet to my best friend. Sort of. Well at least I know how to tease Phil as for the rest of the week as I refer to him as my 'self declared boyfriend'

Ah I love to watch him blush.

*scene*

Well I hope you enjoyed that you filthy animals. I'm kidding. Not enough sexy action in there for you probably…Don't complain I'm just telling you all how it went down.

Did any of you expect Phil to be a sly little minx? Cause at the time I sure as hell didn't. Still…Not complaining. *insert winking face here*

Well I hope you enjoyed it and I once again apologize for being late with this.

Next time…Well lets see how well this does and we'll see what happens next time shall we?

Until next time my Danosaurs!

This is Dan Howell signing off.

Hey…Like Dan said I apologize for the late updates (exams, results, university etc.) I hope you enjoyed this and if you did please leave a review! The motivation I get from them is immense so please do! Even constructive criticism is more than welcome! Also chocolate cookies for those who review! (Bribes are my new thing now.) Until next time!