Heyo. I'm sorry it took so long. I know I promised a new chapter before the new year, but I couldn't resist waiting until today, the 06/1 or 061. :D

Give you all my excuses at the end of this short chapter.

Disclaimer: I don't own Halo, if I did then those Spartan III's on Onix never would have met that fate. We all know the one I'm talking about.

Chapter 9: Guilt

Drifting in space, it's an empty feeling. But it was dwarfed by the emptiness inside of me. All I could think about was how I'd gotten Sam killed. I wanted to just fall asleep and drift off never to be found again in the inky blackness. Just disappear.

John and Kelly had sent a distress beacon as soon as we were clear and were each holding onto me, the three of us drifting. I couldn't understand how the two of them could hold onto me, I caused Sam's death and they were holding onto me preventing me from floating into the void. I can't say I'd do the same, if someone killed one of my friends, I can't say I'd protect them.

I lost track of time, just floating there, I'm sure there was some conversation, but I was too absorbed by the cold feeling in my chest. The hollowness. I kept replaying the situation over and over again, trying to understand how we were placed in that exact situation, why he made that choice. But I just couldn't. He died, I lived. The situation was messed up.

I was roused from my thoughts by the searchlight of the approaching pelican. It spun around, the normally deafening engines quiet in the belly of the void. The rear hatch open to receive us. I was manoeuvred into the ship and I took a seat. There were other Spartans that had previously been rescued, I wonder what our losses were.

The other Spartans seemed to have been energised by the victory, but the three of us were far more sombre. I couldn't bring myself to speak, to cheer and laugh at the victory over such an imposing enemy.

The trip back was quick. When the pelican set down, the hatch opened to the sight of the remaining Spartans, all loyally waiting for their leader and their two friends. I couldn't help but think it was going to be quite the surprise for them when they found out it was me instead. Even the Doctor and Anders was there. I could even spy the captain behind the mass of power suits making his way here. It appears we were the heroes of the day. I almost laughed at the thought. No, the Hero for today, and for as long as I breathed would be Sam.

The hanger went silent as the Spartans gracefully parted to allow the captain passage through them. He strode up to us and saluted. A grin spread across his face. "I was sceptical at first that Dr. Halsey's kids would be able to pull something like this off. But everyone on this ship owe their lives to you three."

"Four," He looked at me surprised. Even I was, I don't know what came over me. But I couldn't just let them trivialise Sam's efforts. I know it was rude, I cut him off and didn't address him appropriately but I owed Sam much more than I owe this man.

He looked at the three of us a tad confused, "Pardon?" He directed his question to John, who was standing centre. Kelly on his right, and leaving me to the left. The other two has already taken off their helmets, I couldn't risk it. I couldn't show my face.

John looked at me for a moment, taking in my stiff posture. I could tell he was tired and putting up a strong front. My eyes found his from behind my visor. I could tell he was also disappointed in me, "I'm sorry sir. We lost someone on that ship. Sam didn't make it back sir."

A look of understanding came over the captain. "You have my sympathies, we owe all four of you a debt. Now, you are dismissed. Get checked out in the infirmary and then get some rest."

I just walked out of the hanger. I don't know if anyone called me out, as soon as he said we were dismissed I just weaved through the crowd and escaped. I just needed to get away from the family of Spartans, I cost them the life of one of their brothers. Even if they didn't show it yet, they would come to hate me.

I found that my legs had taken me to Anders room. I didn't even know that knew where she stayed. I let myself in, I found a corner and then proceeded to hide in it. The armour was bulky and it was awkward, but I found comfort in holding my legs against myself, leaning my head against the wall. I just thought back to all the times I had spent with Sam. The times he had helped me, times we had spared and talked and trained. Then the time of his death. I just wanted to switch places with him.

I was lost in the darkness of both the room and my thoughts. I never noticed the door open. "Excuse me, who's there?" A voice came from the open door.

"I know someone's there. I left this door closed. Show yourself please." She edged further into the room with each sentence. I looked up to face her. I guess the noise of the armour against the wall drew her attention my way.

She looked a little shocked. But who wouldn't be when there's a robotic monster hiding in your room. "Alexa, that you?" I only nodded. Worry crossed her face as she crouched next to me. "What's wrong?"

I didn't know what to say, didn't know if I had the right to say anything. Perhaps it'd be best if I didn't say anything, I had clearly talked Sam into sacrificing himself for me. My time with him made him want to save me, maybe I should distance myself from them all.

My silence clearly disturbed her. "You know you can tell me anything right? You're my friend, I'm here for you whenever you need me." I contemplated her words. 'Here whenever you need me', that was the problem. I was weak, I needed people and they paid the price. I couldn't involve Anders. I decided there and then, I cared too much about her to let her get hurt because of me.

I stood up and left. I had to find somewhere else to exist. For the first time in weeks I wished I was home where I belonged. Maybe then I wouldn't be causing such harm. This time I found myself in an armoury, lines and lines of guns and ammo and other machines of war. Admiring the weapons kept my mind occupied, trying to name as many as possible and trying to remember the pros and cons of each and picturing how to take it apart and put it together again. I kept my mind busy, away from thoughts of guilt and blame, it worked for quite awhile. After that battle the armoury was mostly empty, everyone was either working on repairs or catching some rest.

I was tired too, but I didn't deserve to rest. I had to do something. But I had no idea what. I heard someone clear their throat behind me. I figured I was in the way and began to walk away to the next stack of weapons.

"Excuse me, where do you think you're running off to?" I turned to see the Doctor looking at me. I could tell she was tired too. After everything that we've been through I don't think there is anyone that isn't tired. "Anders came and disturbed my meeting with the captain. She's worried about you. And looking at you now, so am I. So tell me what's wrong."

I didn't know what to do. I couldn't tell her the truth. This was the woman that let me into her family and I just killed off one of her sons. She took me in when I had literally nowhere to belong in the whole universe and I repay her like this. I realise I still had her sword and the alien device I planned to give her. I took out the alien gizmo from one of my ammo pouches and removed my sword. I held them out and gently released them into her hand. She looked confused. Why was everyone confused? It was simple really.

"Please, tell me. Are you scared, angry, frightened? If you don't talk to us, we can't help." That sealed the deal. If I don't talk, they can't help. If they don't help, they can't die. I left. Again, my feet doing the walking for me.

I traversed a maze of corridors and people and cables. Some were nothing but a mess or cables and repair people and others were spotless. Or at least until a hulking monstrous suit of armour and it's child inhabitant came through. This time I ended in a room I've never seen before. It was packed with computer equipment and there was an A.I. pedestal next to the space aged tech.

I take a seat and lean up against the pedestal. I figured I could get some sleep here until someone comes to tell me to leave. What am I meant to do now. Although before I could begin the same train of thought, my lack of sleep hits me like a ton of bricks and I'm out like a light.

"Well, well, well, what do we have here? A little child that's lost its way?" A disembodied voice startles me awake. No matter where I look I can't find the source of the voice.

"Cat got your tongue? Usually one says sorry when they sleep in someone else's room. Or at least hello." The voice lost its playfulness and was just turning agitated. "If you're not going to play nice, then I would rather you left."

I didn't really want to leave, I didn't want to find where my feet would take me next. Didn't want to meet anyone else. "N-no, I'm sorry. Please let me stay here." Even I was surprised with how childish my voice came out that time. I mean here I am, several tons of machine and newly crafted soldier.

The voice took a different tone this time, softer, "I take it you've had a rough day. Want to talk about it?" The first idea that came to mind was that Sam was haunting me, but the voice didn't match. Unless Sam was a woman in the afterlife.

I wasn't sure what to do, on the one hand I didn't feel like talking to anyone right now, or at all, or that I have the right to. But on the other hand I owed this kind voice who gave me sanctuary. Plus even if she judges me, I don't think she'll bother to tell anyone.

I guess I spent too much time thinking through my options. "It's obvious you're troubled by something, I'm probably a good listener. I can definitely say that I'm not going anywhere." I wondered if she was a staff member monitoring the internal cameras.

I decided to just relent. I was tired of all the secrecy, it was going to come out sooner or later, and when it did I'd get what I deserved. So might as well get it over with. "I killed my best friend." I waited for her response. I waited for her to tell me to get out.

"I doubt that." Three simple words spoken so plainly with such certainty. I almost believed her. "From your reaction, I doubt you have it in you to cause harm to someone you value. Why don't you tell me exactly what happened?"

She didn't know, but she would, then she'd understand and then she'd begin to hate me. "My friend, he took the shots meant for me. Because I was weak, I couldn't do anything, he felt the need to look out for me. He sacrificed himself to save me. It's my fault he's dead." It felt good to confess all this to someone. But I didn't know if I should feel better.

Her lack of response only assuring me in my assumptions, "Personally I have to say bravo, you compensated for your lack of skills by convincing your others to help you. But I presume that isn't going to make you feel better. So look at it this way, he died to save you, whatever you do from now on is reflected on him. If you believe you owe him anything after he made his choice, then you should become the best and show everyone he was one of the best too."

I'd already thought of that. The problem wasn't that I was unwilling to get better. "I agree, I want to make him proud, but if I strive to be the best then I'm going to remain on the same team and be a liability, I'll get everyone else killed too. I can't allow that, if they even allow me on their team anymore anyway?" I doubted they'd forgive me after what happened to Sam, but if I remained with the others, they'd be at risk.

"Then the answers simple, become strong without them. Leave and return when you are no longer a liability. That way you have no excuse not to be the best you can become, and none of your friends are at risk. Or at least fewer people will be at risk." Her reply made sense, almost as if she foresaw the conclusion to this conversation before we got there.

I now had a goal, a task. I had to stop moping around and fix the situation. I had to talk to the Doctor. And then I had to get stronger. Much stronger.

Heyo, been awhile. Before anyone forms an opinion, let me stress that I was without a laptop from the start of September to the begining or December. I missed anime season, isn't that punishment enough? :'(

And then this last month has been spent getting my laptop back up to speed as they had to wipe it and reinstall everything, except they couldn't reinstall any programs due to copyright issues. So I had to get my hands on Word again. Also a lot of other programs.

This last chapter is short because I sorta reached a natural stopping point. Also I wanted to let you all know I'm still alive and kicking, and although I'm behind my self imposed deadline I wanted to be at least somewhat close to it. Next chapter will be up to my normal length.

(Also if you've noticed that your username has spaces or capitals that are not normally in it. I apologise, it's just some of your usernames disapear when spelt correctly.)

Reviews:

thearizona: Glad you like the story, the reason they all don't get through the shield is that they're in space, one wrong burst of thrust and they go flying. So they need to dodge enemy weapons fire, then get to the ship, then it has to be at the small area by the hole, and then have to pass through at the exact moment the shields drop. All the while COMS are down. So in other words, piece of cake, why didn't they all get through. ;P I'm sorry. But that was a good question and I'm glad you reviewed. Thank You. : )

TheWizardofOzbourne: Thank you for your repeated reviews, it means a lot to know that people do stick with my chapters. Thank You. : ) Also I'll admit I didn't think about the surprise of it. However, I do think that the ships design and the mission briefing gave away that they were aliens. Plus after falling into a more advanced future, I think we'd all expect aliens a tiny bit. Maybe. But if she was shocked then hopefully the adrenalin took care of that. So that'll be my explanation. : ) I'll probably go into it next chapter after the adrenalin's worn off and she can reflect. But thanks for that point. I kinda missed it. Whoops. : )

Coldjoker: Thank You, no worries I plan to. But if you ever have any constructive criticism then please tell me. I want to make everyone enjoy reading my stories as much as I enjoy writing them. : )

Pheonix: I'm glad you enjoyed it so far. : ) I don't know yet as to whether I'll follow the game story line or not. Or how I'll follow them. Choices will have to be made. However the earliest game is Halo: Wars (2531), and that's six years after the beginning of the war(2525), and after that Halo: Reach (2552) is next followed very quickly by the halo trilogy. And there'll be stories in between and so many stories I might have to cut out. So who knows what I might do. : P

Cameron akana: Yep, I stuck to the story. I had to stick to the story. For now at least. : ) But thank you for the review. : )

Guest: I'm glad you find my story interesting. : ) However I disagree, I think you have it backwards, I think you'll find that they're only truly social among each other. It's the non-Spartans that they rarely talk to. Sorry, but I disagree. However I agree that Kurt and Jorge are more social, and are more willing to talk to non-Spartan personnel. I think only the Doctor, Chief Mendez and maybe a couple others are the ones all Spartans socialize with, but other than that they just don't get along with people outside their little family. : ) Also the marines did know about the child soldiers on the ship. And if they didn't know they were children at first, then they figured it out afterwards. I mean they definitely knew afterwards. And word spreads quickly when you put thousands of people in a confined space. So I believe they would know about her. If not before then definitely after the fight with John.
Sorry. I understand if you don't agree with my reasoning. I'm sorry, I mearly want to offer my opinion and hope i can sway you. If not then I hope we can agree to disagree. : ) Either way I think maybe her appearance will cause a few new events and occurrences. : )But thank you for your review. I appreciate your opinion a lot and your criticism is valued. : ) Thank you. : )

TW98: Glad you liked it. I hope this latest chapter didn't dissapoint. ^.^

the arizona: Yeah, I thought that chapter was great too, nothing helps plot developement more than a chapter telling you they're taking a break. :D

noah:Thanks, I know what you mean, some stories can be very similar and when you read enough of them they can blur together a bit (major Naruto fan here. ^.^). I wrote this one trying to make it as different as possible from other Halo stories.

the arizona:Here's the next chapter. Hope it didn't disappoint. : )

Mr. Spartan3398: Glad you like it. Nice to know that I'm gathering new readers. I hope you continue to enjoy it. ^.^

ZueKillerProductions: I'm going to answer all your reviews together in order without writing your name out for each response. :D I remember my email notification noise going off all day then. It was a great day to be a writer. :D
1)It isn't exactly a self-insert. I like to make sure all my characters keep a healthy distance from anyone I know in real life including myself. But I did intentionally try to make it rare. I wanted to make a story that entered a new or rare category.
2)Yep, I wanted to show a normal persons reactions to these things. But it wouldn't be much of a story if she entered the world and dropped dead. :D
3)Spartans weren't actually made to fight the alien threat, so she had to at least engage the rebels at least once. Not sure if she'll fight them again. That's a different matter. But I wanted her to understand the weight of carrying the gun. 4)Well, all I'll say is pairings are undecided. And while nothing is off the table, I don't have any plans for yuri or yoai or anything in general. But as always if anyone has any plans such as pairings in mind for any of the characters, feel free to PM me. I can't promise anything will happen but I've always got an ear ready. : )
5)Agreed, blending in is always hard. But for the record there's a difference between paintball and stun rounds. Here's a clue, I don't mind being hit by one of them. :D (Although spine shots or back of knee shots hurt! My friends are evil!)
6)Pretty much.
7)Sam is a professional, he was trained the same way. Also I feel I must point out that while Harvest was brutal, I wouldn't say it was the only brutal part of the war. Also I think Alexa's having a tough time right now as it is.
8)Probably, but I don't think I could do that to her. Never trust a psychiatrist. Anyone that's as smart/or smarter than you and has training in how to get in your head. But she will be a little messed up for awhile. Well more messed up than normal, everyone's a little messed up.

Guest: Spartans never die. It's a phrase based on the Cole Protocol order that all KIA Spartans must be marked as MIA to avoid a loss in moral when Humanities greatest start dying. To create the myth that Spartans are unbeatable. ONI released them to the public to boost moral, if they started dying then that would backfire. So therefor Spartans are immortal.

Quick question to any that read this, do you think she was resposible for Sam's death?

Next chapter might be a small while. But not too long. A few weeks. But I won't hide the fact that there is a small chance my life will get very busy in a couple of weeks.

But anyway, hope you all enjoyed. Remember:

Reviews = Love = Updates

TTFN

S061 ^.^