AN/Warnings: Naruto in this story will be badass. Not instantly but he won't have any real challenges on the canon side of things until around the time skip. I will however be adding my own original enemies and such that will push him to his limits. Also be ready for crude, immature, and pun heavy humor. And yes this is a harem story. Not a massive one but a good sized one of about 4. I have already picked my personal favorites in Haku (yes she/he will be a she in this story), Anko, Ino, & Yakumo. I can be persuaded to include one or maybe 2 more if given good reason. Sakura and Hinata are a no right off the bat. I just don't like Sakura whatsoever and Hinata is meh for me. Other than that it's free game including gender bends and even incest…which won't really be incest (you'll see why).

Disclaimer: Characters belong to Masashi Kishimoto. I only own my OC, and any other added stuff unless stated otherwise.

Now without further adieu I give you…

Naruto: With a Little Help From My Friends!

Chapter Uno (one)!

Ya know after about 8 years of the constant crap (sometimes it being LITERAL crap) he got thrown at him he had two options; try and seek the approval of those that would rather see him dead in a ditch or say fuck it all. Seeing as at this current moment he was being chased by the ever stereotypical mob (there were even pitchforks and torches!) he found himself leaning towards the latter option. Who might this person be? Well our main character of course!

"Is there like an angry mob store where they get a group discount or something? Cuz this shit is just ridiculous!"

Ladies and gentleman meet Naruto Uzumaki-Namikaze, the pariah of Konohagakure No Sato. Most would be wondering why an 8 year old kid would be running away from a mob of anger villagers out for blood at such a young age and the answer is actually quite simple, Kyuubi. By the age of 8 young Naruto was much more mature and jaded than any child or person should be. But when about 89% of your own home village wants to have your carcass mounted on their wall it kind of becomes your only option.

Having lived on the streets after getting kicked out of the orphanage at the age of 4 and doing these "fox hunts" on a near monthly basis, Naruto knew damn near every nook and cranny of the village. Using said knowledge of his home village Naruto knew the best place to lose the mob. Even if there were any ninja mixed among the crowd he doubted they were of enough skill level to be any better than the villagers otherwise he would have already been caught. Even still as a precaution he had picked out a route and a hiding spot that would lose even a seasoned chunin. Noticing that the beginning of his escape route was coming up he ducked under a thrown rock and made a sharp left into an alleyway. Racing to the far end of the alley he found the small hole in the chain link fence that would allow his small body to squeeze through to the other side. Not leaving anything up to chance the young blonde continued running as fast as his little legs could carry him to his next "obstacle". Making another quick left and using the momentum he had built up he threw himself on to his chest and slid through a small window into an abandoned warehouse.

Naruto felt the sting on his chest notifying him that he had scraped himself up pretty badly with that last maneuver he had pulled but the alternative of letting them catch him was far worse. Quickly looking for the ladder that would lead him to the roof of the building he spotted it in a dimly lit corner and made a mad dash for it. Climbing it as fast as he could with his lung burning and his body aching all over he finally pulled himself up onto a catwalk of sorts. Continuing on with his survival inspired obstacle course he ran to the end of the rusty and rickety catwalk and finding the loose window pane opened it and was welcomed back out into the moonlit world once more.

A quick sprint later and he was opening and closing the door of a stairwell leading down to the building across from the warehouse he was just in. Considering this was the slums of Konoha he highly doubted any of the members of the mob would still be following him at this point so he jogged down the stairs still being as quiet as possible just in case. Murphy's Law seemed to dictate his every move after all.

Finally reaching the bottom of the staircase and consequently the end of his life or death Olympic sprint, Naruto could do nothing but collapse on to the cold concrete floor. Laying on his back the only sounds that could be heard were those of the rats scurrying to and fro and Naruto's own ragged breathing. Even with his own Uzumaki enhanced stamina and Kyuubi adding to that, running for your life for the better part of a half hour would leave most anybody tired.

"I'd give you a 10 for execution but your showmanship could use some touch ups. Considering your age though I am still rather impressed." Echoed a deep yet smooth and even toned voice from somewhere in the building.

As soon as our little blonde protagonist had heard the beginning of the words he had instantly frozen up. Even now Naruto held his eyes shut and slowed his breathing and hoped with all that he was that Murphy had not fucked him over yet again.

"As much as I would enjoy a game of opossum with you I would much rather have a civil conversation."

Finally the disembodied voice gained shape….though the shape wasn't exactly welcoming. The owner of the voice seemed to literally melt out of the shadows shrouded in an all black cloak that looked like it had seen better days. Regardless of its torn and ragged appearance it still served the purpose of completely covering the figure from head to toe. The only thing really discernible about the figure was that he was damn near 6 foot, was male, and his body looked to be built to hit both hard and fast.

Despite his rather bleak and short life, Naruto liked to think himself an optimist of sorts but even he knew that there was no escape. While the figure had been talking to him he brought up his mental map of the area and knew that any and all escape routes would require him to expend energy he just simply did not have at this moment. Even if he could somehow muster some magical force to give him an extra energy boost he knew that based on what his instincts were telling him about this imposing dark figure standing only feet from him he would not make it too far.

Sighing the sun kissed blonde decided that if the stranger had wanted him dead he would have not been getting up anytime soon and if the stranger was just bidding his time or drawing it out….well he was already dead so might as well enjoy it. Naruto attempted to rise into a sitting position, but soon hissed in pain and groped at his chest in a bid to stop the horrible pulsing pain coming from there. Suddenly the pain was replaced by a warm feeling washing over his body. Naruto would have fallen asleep if it were not for the rather loud sound of something metallic clattering at his side.

"Looks like when you pulled off that little slide maneuver of yours you weren't exactly paying attention to what was on that floor." Turning his head to look at what had caused the metallic clang he saw that the figure had pulled out a handful of thin jagged pieces of some kind of metal.

Mustering what breath he could Naruto managed to mutter out a small "thank you".

"No problem kid. Now how about we get to that little chat of ours hmm?" Reaching out his hands the figure grabbed Naruto around the small of his back and raised him into a sitting position against the wall. The figure unceremoniously plopped himself down onto the floor in a cross legged sitting position. Ensuing was…a very awkward silence. Naruto tried to find out anything else about this mysterious man as subtly as he could with no success. The damn cloak hid everything from sight. Naruto couldn't even make out a face or piece of hair because of the cloak's hood.

"So…I'm assuming you have some questions you wanna ask me huh?" began the strange man.

"Uhh…well what did you do to get those metal shards out of me without…well cutting me open?" questioned the young blonde.

"Well that's a pretty lengthy explanation so in a nutshell…I healed you!" provided the figure with an obvious chuckle at the end.

Having to resist the very heavy urge to either sweatdrop or facepalm Naruto attempted to move the conversation forward by asking his next question. "Umm well why did you help me? I'm not ungrateful or anything but…well…most people wouldn't do that for me…"

"Well that answer is pretty simple. I'm not most people. More specifically I'm not some inbred, ass backwards, ass hat villager that can't tell the difference between a jailer and its ward." Spoke the figure in a calm and even tone, which was surprising considering the colorful words he had just used.

"Ummm…what now?" spoke the now thoroughly confused Uzumaki. Don't get him wrong he agreed with the man's views on the villagers but the whole bit about a prisoner and ward had left him at a loss.

"I see so you don't know…..what do you know about the night of October 10th?" spoke the now serious figure. Though how Naruto knew that he had no clue because that damnable cloak!

"My birthday?" asked the now even more confused blonde.

"Yes your birthday…and also the day of the Kyuubi attack," continued the shadowed figure.

"Well the Kyuubi attacked and the Yondaime Hokage fought it and eventually defeated it saving the village but at the cost of his own life," Naruto stated, "…right?" he added now feeling very suspicious.

Shifting his body so that he leaned against the wall across from the young kid he sighed and began, "Well that is mostly true you are missing some very vital parts to the story. First off yes the Yondaime fought the Kyuubi and died to defeat it but the reason he died was because he used a kinjutsu that summoned the Shinigami. Now not even the Shinigami could destroy the Kyuubi as it is a huge massive construct of chakra, or in other words energy, and energy can not be destroyed. So instead the Yondaime did….well something retarded. He chose a baby that had been born that night and…" that was as far as the stranger got before he was interrupted by Naruto, "and sealed it into the baby….and that baby was me wasn't it?"

Most thought Naruto to be some stupid kid who knew next to nothing. While that was true in regards to academics, when it came to practical matters regarding survival and problem solving the kid was a damn genius. It took him seconds to connect the dots. His birthday, the attack, the looks and stares, the fox hunts, and…damn how had he not figured this out sooner? There was just no way that there could be that many coincidences without there being a reason!

With a heavy sigh the stranger replied, "You got it kiddo." Giving Naruto a few seconds to deal with this rather significant revelation the stranger then continued, "so how you feeling there?"

"…..why?" was the soft reply.

Giving another sigh the figure stood to his full height and leaning against the same wall intoned, "Gonna have to be a little be more specific than that short stuff."

"Why did he choose me for it? Was it convenience? Did my parents not care? Who were my parents!? NO MORE LIES!" ended the now sobbing 8 year old.

The stranger couldn't blame the kid. The poor bastard had grown up an orphan hated by most any one he had ever encountered and when he had found someone he thought he could trust and who genuinely cared for him he finds out the old monkey had only been lying to him.

"I didn't really know your parents personally. But I can say this, when your mother found out she was pregnant with you, not a one person could get her to shut up about how she was going to spoil you and treat you like a prince. When your father found out he ran around the whole village screaming at the top of his lungs that he was going to be a father. Kid your parents loved you more than anything in this world and would have done anything to make sure you were ok." At the end of his speech the cloak wearer saw Naruto smiling the biggest smile possible and silently crying.

"What happened to them?" asked the still smiling and crying blonde. His parents loved him so obviously there was a damn good reason they weren't there for him.

"That's both complicated and simple. To start your mother was a gorgeous and deadly redhead kunoichi by the name of Kushina Uzumaki…"

AN: and that's the first chapter folks! Now it seems to have left off on a cliff hanger and the chapter was rather slow going but hey I had to set this shit up somehow right? The next chapter will be a time skip to graduation day as I personally don't like reading stories that drag out Naruto's child hood and training for several chapters and so I will not be doing so myself. His training will be alluded to here and there through flashbacks (very few of them don't worry) and through other literary devices. Now the hooded figure's identity and role will eventually be revealed in the same way but I will say this yes he is my OC and no he will not be playing a huge role in this story. He will have given Naruto the tools to start on his path and that is it. My OC MAY pop up in this story like one or two more times but for very small things. He will do very much the same in most any of my stories as I will eventually be posting my own written story about him and his origins/adventures which will be a tale of massive proportions.

On another note I'd like to ask for some opinions. How should I portray Sarutobi? I've seen him done as a manipulative old bastard, the good intentioned grandfather, and even as a more or less background character and I can easily write him in any of those ways. He won't be too crucial to the overall plot but his character will change some things here and there. If done as manipulative there will be some loss of comedy with the story. As it stands I'm trying to find a happy balance between serious and comedic so any help I can get will be much appreciated.

Thanks for reading! If you would be awesome and leave a review I'd very thankful! Until the next time people! PEACE OUT!