Since I haven't been very faithful about my updates here's a nice long chapter. I worked on it….for a very long time. I haven't been this inspired in a while. However this chapter is so long I didn't get to proof all of it so keep that in mind as you read. I hope you like it. Also the fanfiction uploaded got really weird so I'm sorry if this chapter isn't formatted as much as I would like it to be.

Update. Fanfiction is still not fixed and the formatting of this story could still turn into a mess, but I have to publish it soon. Now actually. I really hope the copy paste feature gets fixed. Soon.

I stare up at my bedroom ceiling. It's dark so there isn't much to see, but the image in Izaya's bedroom is still haunting me. Whoever kidnapped him had committed an inhuman amount of violence and probably caught him while he was sleeping. I shiver. Taking someone by surprise while they're sleeping just seems so wrong.

I turn over and slowly, as I stare blankly at the wall, fatigue wins out over my busy thoughts and I fall asleep.

Only to be woken up by a bloodcurdling scream that lasts long enough to cut through my heavy sleep and keep going on for at least a minute.

My eyes snap open and I leap out of bed every nerve on high alert. It takes a few seconds for me to realize what's going on through my sleepy haze and then I rush into the living room flicking on the hall light, but forgetting the living room light in my rush to figure out what's going on.

I expect to find some sort of attacker in my living room but no one's there except for Izaya's dog.

Izaya's still form is on the couch and I'm just about to turn and go back to bed when his body twists violently and he starts screaming again. He must be having a nightmare.

I cross the living room in the dark, carefully, so I don't trip over the dog, and kneel down next to the couch. Izaya has stopped screaming and now he's panting. His eyes are closed tightly and his hands are clenched into fists.

I reach out to shake him awake and then stop. My mother never let Kasuka and I wake each other up from bad dreams when we were little. She said it wasn't a good idea to wake someone up who was having a bad dream. I have absolutely no idea why, but that's what she said.

Izaya starts whimpering and muttering in his sleep. I can see his eyes flickering underneath his eyelids as his words slowly get louder and more distinct.

"No. No! NO! Don't-" He screams again. It's not as long and drawn out as the other ones, but it's twisted with terror and pain. "It hurts! It hurts," he whimpers. "Why? Why? Why are you doing this to me?!" He screams again and thrashes wildly as if fighting off invisible attackers. His arm nearly hits me in the head and I grab his hand. He tries to jerk away, but I don't let go.

"Izaya! Izaya! IZAYA!" I roar trying to wake him up, but he's suddenly become a very deep sleeper as if the nightmare has sucked him into another reality that's impossible to escape from.

I try to unclench Izaya's hand and something warm and wet slicks my fingertips. Blood. His fingernails are biting into his palms. For some reason the sight of blood makes me panic.

"IZAYA!" I yell.

My voice sends him into another panic and he thrashes wildly trying to free himself from my grasp. I catch his hand. Letting go of his other hand as I try to unclench his fist. More blood. He's shaking and his skin is clammy. Whatever kind of dream he's having it must be very vivid.

I finally manage to unclench his fingers only to have them wrap around my wrist in an iron grasp. His fingernails dig into my skin as he cries out wildly.

"Help. Help me. Anyone, please…" he begs before thrashing around so violently that his head hits the arm of the couch with a sickening crack. He whimpers and lays still. I reach out and run my hand through his hair. He starts trembling as soon as my fingers touch his head as if he's afraid I'll hurt him.

"Please-please don't hurt me," he begs and I pull away abruptly, but his eyes are still closed and he's still in the dream. "I just-" He curls up and makes a fearful squeaking sound. "It hurts so much. Make it stop, make it stop. Anyone. Please. I can't take it anymore!"

Watching this is breaking my heart. How could anyone hate someone enough to make them hurt like this? It's sick. And when I think its sick you know it's bad. I know I've chased Izaya around and thrown large, heavy, deadly objects at him, but he was never scared. It was more like a game for him that he enjoyed in some twisted way, this is much different. Or at least, that's what I tell myself.

Izaya rolls onto his back. His breath is ragged. His free hand is gripping the blanket, which is wrapped around him and tangled in his legs, so tightly his knuckles turn white. Suddenly his hand flies to his throat and hovers there. He starts tilting his head back and makes small strangled noises. My eyes widen as I realize what's going on in his head. Gently, I pull his hand away from his throat and lay it on his chest.

"Calm down, you're not being strangled or anything. Deep breath. There you go. Breathe normally. It's all in your head," I say trying to calm him down. I rub his chest in an attempt to comfort him. It works in the way that stops him from his choking charade and fails because he thinks I'm trying to hurt him and grabs my wrist. He obviously does not want to be touched.

"It's just me, Izaya. Don't worry-"

He arches his back and screams again drowning out my words. Releasing my wrist he struggles wildly and lets out a cry of pain as his wrist connects with the sharp edge of the coffee table.

"Klutz," I mutter.

He pulls his wrist against his chest whimpering.

I bite my lip. Seeing him like this is terrifying. He's just so weak I can barely stand it. I had always thought Izaya and I were nearly even in most things. Watching him go through this makes me wonder if it could happen to me next. If it could happen to Izaya it could happen to anybody.

I can't seem to wake him up and I can't let him stay here by himself. If he keeps thrashing around like this he'll only hurt himself. I have to keep him from moving around like this

. I pull myself up onto the couch and wrap my arms around Izaya, effectively pinning his arms to his sides. Now his bad dream can run its course and he won't be in danger of putting himself in the hospital.

"Shhhhhhhhhh," I whisper as Izaya struggles against me crying out in terror. "It's okay. It's okay. It's just me. You're okay, Izaya. You're safe. Shhhhhhhhhhh." I can feel his heart beating wildly and his chest is heaving. I'm starting to worry that he's hyperventilating. When you're awake and you're hyperventilating I'm pretty sure you pass out, but you're already kind of passed our when you're asleep. Maybe it will make the dream end. I have absolutely no idea. If it is bad to hyperventilate while you're sleeping how am I supposed to stop it? I suppose I could cover his mouth and force him to breathe through his nose or stop him from breathing altogether so when he can breathe again he needs to take a deep breath.

I reach up and try to cover his mouth.

"No! No! Stop it!" he screams whipping his head back and forth trying to keep me from touching him. I tighten my grip around his chest to keep him from moving. It's hard to hold on to him with only one arm. He gasps in pain and I immediately loosen my grip, cursing my strength. I hadn't meant to hurt him, only stop him from hurting himself.

He starts talking to the people in his dream again in a pleading tone. "I don't know! I don't know! I swear! I don't know anything!" He starts shaking so hard his breathing is shaky and irregular and then his tone changes. "A-apologize? You-you want me to apol-apologize? F-for what?...I don't know!"

What doesn't he know?

He takes a shuddering breath and he suddenly relaxes only whimpering every so often and turning restlessly.

"It hurts, it hurts, it hurts," he says. "This sucks."

It sounds like such an Izaya thing to say I burst out laughing.

And then stop when the back of his skull connects with my chin.

"Ouch! That hurt, flea," I snap.

"It hurts, it hurts, it hurts," he echoes. His voice is starting to become distant and I hope that means his dream is over.

I lean my head back against the couch and close my eyes. I don't know how long I've been up with him but I'm dead tired and soon I'm asleep.
"Aaaannnnnnnnrrggh, Shizu-chan, you're hurting me!"

I snap awake. I'm still on the couch with Izaya and he's talking again. I hope this isn't another bad dream I don't think I can take another one of those.

"I. Can't. Breath." His next words sound like they were forced out with a lot of effort.

I realize that my arms are wrapped so tightly around his chest that it's crushing the air out of him. I quickly let go and he falls forward panting.

Guilt floods through me. I could have killed Izaya! Without even trying I could have crushed the life right out of him.

I push him off of me and stand up. Quickly, I walk into the kitchen to put some space between us and sit down at the table.

How could I have been so careless?

I stare down at the table in horror.

"Shizu-chan?" I look up.

Izaya has followed me into the kitchen. He looks concerned. He should be! I almost killed him! I would be concerned if I were him!

"No! Go back to bed," I order, pointing at the dark living room. I can feel anger starting to flare up inside me. I'm not sure if it's annoyance, or lack of sleep, or if I'm getting mad at myself, but I don't want Izaya to be here when I find out.

"But, Shizu-chan-"

"No! Go away! Don't come any closer. Get out of here." I squeeze my eyes shut. I feel like I could flare up at any moment in an uncontrollable rage. Izaya should get out of here before I kill him. Why won't he just leave me alone?

"Why?" he asks. I can hear his footsteps as he walks towards me.

"Just go," I snap clenching my hands into fists.

Calm down, Shizuo. It's alright. Just breathe.

Izaya doesn't stop coming closer.

"CAN'T YOU SEE I'M TRYING NOT TO HURT YOU?!" I yell whipping around to glare at him. "Go."

He flinches away from my anger, but doesn't leave.

"It's okay, Shizu-chan. You weren't trying to hurt me, it was an accident. I'm fine, you didn't hurt me."

"That's the point," I say through gritted teeth. "I wasn't trying. It just happened. I can't control myself, Izaya. Just go."

"No." His voice is flat and dead serious. I look up at him, his expression is just as dead set.

"Izaya! I don't want to hurt you!" I yell. I'm almost pleading with him now, but he needs to go away before I lose it. What does he not understand about that?

"You won't hurt me," he says. He sounds very assured of that. He's putting much too much trust in my strength of will. When I'm angry I won't care if it's him or not. I won't be able to control it.

"I'm a monster, Izaya! Soon it won't matter if I'm trying or not, if you don't leave right now, you're going to get yourself killed! Just get away from me! Please!" I bang my head against the table and cover it with my arms trying to block him out. Maybe if I could just get a little peace and quiet I would be able to calm down.

His hand touches my shoulder. "I'm not afraid of you, Shizu-chan."

Great.

This Izaya is just as suicidal as the last one! Some things will never change.

"You should be."

I'm glad he isn't though, even though I desperately want him to leave me alone so I can't hurt him I want him to stay too. Everyone has always run away in fear when I get angry, except Kasuke, and even he keeps his distance now. It's so different and….nice to have someone who won't abandon me.

The anger slowly releases its hold on me leaving me shaking. I slowly turn my head and look up at Izaya. He's smiling triumphantly. "I knew you wouldn't hurt me."

My hand flashes out and grabs his wrist tightly. "You idiot! If you ever do something like that again I'll kill you!" I yell when what I really mean is 'thank you.'

"I know, Shizu-chan," he says resting his chin on the top of my head. He yawns. "I'm so tired. Why am I so tired, Shizu-chan?"

Probably because you just had the worst nightmare of your young life, I think. Instead I say, "Umm, I don't think you were sleeping well. Don't you remember that?"

"I remember getting my arms crushed against my equally crushed ribs," he says.

"That's not what I meant," I muttered glaring at him.

"Before that? No. But my wrist really hurts. Ow! And so does my head." He gingerly touches the back of his head and winces.

"Let me see." He holds out his arm and ducks down so I can see his head. Both injuries have developed nasty raised bruises. I try touching his head, he flinches away and when I try looking at his wrist he actually squeaks and jerks it away from me, cradling it against his chest.

Other than that he seems much more Izaya-like. He's not timid at all. It's almost like talking to a younger, friendlier version of the real Izaya.

I get some ice out of the freezer for Izaya and send him back to bed. He stretches out on the couch and goes to sleep. I stare at him from the kitchen for a long time before going to bed myself. He seems so confident and in control. Maybe Shinra knows exactly what he's talking about.

The changes last into morning with mixed results. He's not exactly outgoing, but he's not as nervous and withdrawn either. He also seems mature enough not to play hide and seek anymore, thank goodness. Shinra calls asking about his progress and seems pleased with what I tell him. When I ask him about the nightmares he says I shouldn't wake him up on no uncertain terms and when I complained about it made me sit through some complicated explanation of the importance of dreams in memory processing. Even when I emphasis how much Izaya suffered he just tells me to do whatever I have to do to keep Izaya from hurting himself while he dreams. Which makes me absolutely furious, but Shinra isn't up giving in to any type of argument and he has science on his side. Which is something I try to remember when I'm holding Izaya still that night.

"Let me go! Let me go! You're hurting me!" he screams struggling violently. I know I'm not suffocating him, but the possibility that I could be sends a thrill of fear through me.

"You're okay," I say in an attempt to reassure both of us. "It's only a dream."

His head knocks against my collarbone and he makes a pained sound in the back of his throat. I gently run my hand over the bump on the back of his head from last night which is being roughed up again tonight.

I'm even more exhausted then I was last night, but the fear of crushing him while I sleep keeps me awake for a while. Soon it's everything I can do not to fall asleep. I rest my head on top of Izaya's and close my eyes. I maybe nod of for a minute before one of Izaya's panicked cries shatters my peace.

"Shhhhh," I murmur.

He tries to move around and when he finds himself unable to shift an inch lets out an animal-like cry and struggles against my strength. Useless. Of course, he doesn't know that. I don't even know what he thinks he's doing in his alternate reality, but it's an ordeal for both of us.

If I ever find the people who hurt Izaya this badly I'm going to kill them! They won't be sorry, they'll be dead.

"D-don't let them in! They're looking for me! They said they would! Shizu-chan they found me! They're at the door! Shizu-chan!"

His desperate words jolt me wide awake. People? Here? He's starting right at the door and when I lean over to look at his face I jump back in shock. His eyes are wide open. I carefully leave the couch and as silently as possible creep to the door. After listening carefully and hearing nothing I pull it open. There' no one there. I look up and down the dimly lit hallway. No one.

I look back at Izaya. His eyes are still open, but they don't seem to really be focusing on anything. He looks possessed or something. I shiver. He's still asleep. With his eyes open.

"Don't let them hurt me, Shizu-chan! Shizu-chan, don't let them take me!" he cries desperately as the imaginary people in his dream close in on him. He seems to grow smaller, folding into himself until he's curled up in a pathetic ball.

I slam the door shut, making Izaya jump and whimper, and make sure it's locked. I don't care what Shinra says I'm waking Izaya up no matter what it takes. This is too much. If this goes on I'm going to start getting scared(er then I already am. Which is very scared!).

I climb back onto the couch and grab Izaya's shoulders. I start shaking him gently and then not as gently as he refuses to wake up.

"Izaya! Izaya! Izaya, wake up!" I say as gently as I can. I don't want to scare him even more. "Izaya!"

He grabs onto my shirt and stares wide-eyed into the distance. He's still not awake.

"Don't, d-don't, don't let them take me!"

"Wake up. Wake up! They can't take you if you wake up!" I pressed my forehead against his trying to will him to wake up. I'm really tired and completely out of logical ideas at this point.

"Wake up! Wake up!" I shake him some more. Izaya starts screaming as his invisible kidnappers take him away or whatever. "Izaya! It's just me. No one else. No one's going to get you. It's just me and I'm right here and if anyone does come they'll be sorry they did! Just wake up!"

Izaya starts lashing out trying to free himself. His elbow connects with my chin before I manage to get his arms pinned down again and that doesn't help much because now he's even more convinced he's being kidnapped.

"Shizu-chan," he moans as though I've just abandoned him.

"I'm right here! I have you! Not them. Stop struggling and just open your eyes! Again…I guess. It's me, Izaya."

He suddenly stops fighting and goes limp, completely defeated. He closes his eyes and slowly a tear slides down his cheek. "Shizu-chan," he sobs.

"Shhhhh, I'm right here!" I say. "It's okay. It's just a dream."

"Shi-shi-shizu-chan," he whimpers pressing his head against my chest and I can tell he's awake. "What ha-happened. I-thought-I-I don't know." Maybe this is why it's dangerous to wake someone who's dreaming. They wake up, but they can't really come back to reality.

"It's okay. It was just a dream. No one came and no one ever was. We're safe here," I assure him.

His breathing slows and he starts taking deep breaths. "No! I know they're coming. They'll find me. I know they will. They're coming." "No one is coming. No one would dare come here and take me on. I'd throw them into next week." "That won't stop them, they aren't scared of anyone. They'll come for me no matter who is standing in their way," he says desperately. He trembling and that only strengthens my resolve to protect him.

"They can come if they're brave. I'll just pound them into the floor," I growl.

"Thank you, that's very brave of you, but please, Shizu-chan. I don't want you to endanger yourself for my sake. It's okay," he says.

"What?! That's the most ridiculous thing I think I've ever heard," I say. "I'm the most dangerous man in Ikebukuro and I'm not going to back down to any petty kidnappers."

"They're not petty kidnappers they're armed and dangerous. They're ruthless, Shizu-chan. It's my fault they hate me you shouldn't get involved," Izaya says.

"Who are they, the people who kidnapped you?" I ask urgently. "Who are they and where can I find them?"

"Please, Shizu-chan I don't want you to get yourself in trouble. Just stay out of it-"

"Tell me!" I yell scaring Izaya into obedience.

"They're…they're…a…a type of gang and they….really hate me…a lot and I have no idea why-"

"Who and where are they?" I demand.

"They…don't have a name really. They're not like other gangs. They're kind of…undefined. I don't remember where they are I don't remember very much. Why don't I remember anything? What's happening to me?" he asks in horror. He presses his hands against the sides of his head and his eyes widen. "I don't know who I am. I can't remember anything." Panic is rising in his voice and I wrap my arms more tightly around him as if he were still dreaming. His breath starts coming faster and harder.

"Shhhh. It's okay. You just lost your memory, it's coming back, but until then you won't be able to remember much," I say trying to comfort him. Funny how these things hit you in the middle of the night when they've been painfully obvious for much too long.

"But why can't I remember? I don't even know who I am." He starts rocking back and forth and I hold him closer to keep him from moving at all. He starting to scare me. Is this how people get their memory back normally?

"It's just memory loss. You're going to get over it eventually. You're starting to get over it already," I say.

Izaya lets out a howl and starts struggling violently.

"Shhhhh, stop that. Stop it now. You're alright. It's okay. I'm here, I've got you. Don't fight me. I'm on your side here."

Finally I just pin his arms against his sides and hold his head pressed against my chest which still leaves him able to kick anything he wants, but that is the least of my worries. Izaya has finally cracked. Right in half. . I think he's finally done it. He's finally gone crazy. I've been waiting for this for a long time now, but I didn't expect it to happen like this.

He whimpers, unable to move, breathing unsteadily.

"Shhhhhh, Izaya. Shhhhhhh. It's okay. Shhhhh. Shhhhhh. Hush. Quiet now. Shhhhhhh. You'll be okay. Shhhhh."Tears are starting to wet the front of my shirt as Izaya continues to prove how mentally unstable he really is. The dog jumps onto the couch, probably sensing the instability and, unable to do anything else, Izaya pets it with his foot.

"Shhhhhh that's good." He's calming down. That's very good. I can't deal with irate people. Which is why I'm starting to think that I can't do this anymore.

The sky is turning colors on the edge of the horizon and I've barely gotten any sleep at all. Izaya's gotten exercise, sleep, and a mental breakdown.

"Are you going to be okay now?" I ask.

He doesn't answer, but his whimpers are starting to die down, slowly being replaced by hiccups and shaky breathing. I let my guard down a little and rest my head on the edge of the couch.

"Fall asleep, Izaya, please. I'm tired."

"I'm sorry, Shizu-chan. I didn't mean to keep you up."

"You're fine," I mumble as my eyes start to close. I'm just too tired to keep my eyes open anymore. Finally I just let them close. Izaya doesn't make any move to leave and I slowly fall asleep. Childcare, or whatever this is, is completely exhausting. I wake up on the floor with Izaya curled up on top of me. Either psychotic Izaya has been very busy or I move a lot more in my sleep then I used too. I'm just opening my eyes and I already feel dead exhausted. I'm torn between pretending I never woke up so I don't have to deal with psychotic Izaya any sooner than I have too or waking up because I am really uncomfortable squished between the floor and Izaya.

"Psycho-I mean, Izaya, are you awake?" I ask sleepily.

"I am now," he says in a slightly annoyed tone.

"Sorry, but my back is killing me. Get off, would you," I say shifting a little to help the cramp I'm getting in my back.

"I'm tiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiirrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrred, Shizu-chan," Izaya whines.

"You're also heavy. Get off and go back to sleep on the couch," I snap.

"I'm heavy! I'm heavy! You nearly crushed me and you think I'm heavy. You weigh a ton!" "What?" I demand a finger of fear running down my back. "I woke up and I was crushed under you, you big brute. It was all I could do to get you off of me," he says irritably. I jolt upright throwing him off of me. He shrieks and hits the floor, but I barely hear him through the roaring sound that's filling my ears. I almost crushed him in his sleep and I didn't even wake up. Not even when I hit the ground. I could have killed him for the second time in a row. What's wrong with me?

Izaya leans over in front of me staring at my face. "You don't look so good, Shizu-chan? Are you feeling alright?" he asks tilting his head to the side. "I don't think it's good for your eyes to stare into space that long without blinking…...Shizu-chan? Are you even listening to me, Shizu-chan?"

His words sound far away as though he's trying to talk to me from the bottom of the ocean. Everything seems strangely far away and out of focus. I can kill him right now without even trying more easily then I could have killed him in the years we've fought. In this state it will be as simple as involuntarily snapping his neck as he struggles. I shiver. It's a miracle I haven't snapped one of his arms, really. At this point he's so lucky to be in one piece it's scary. It's only a matter of time before I hurt him, or worse.

Izaya's still talking to me but I can't make out any of the words. He reaches towards me and I shove him away roughly afraid that even touching me will be dangerous for him. I don't know why I never noticed this before, but Izaya is very small compared to me and he looks very fragile. He closes his eyes and bites his lip as if trying to stop himself from crying out and I realize I hit his injured wrist. He opens his eyes and tries to reach out to me again. Unable to even touch him without hurting him I stand up and run away from him.

I crash through the apartment door and run down the hall. I look back over my shoulder to see him hesitating at the door before coming after me. I jump down the whole flight of stairs in one leap landing hard on the landing. I quickly get up and jump down the second flight and run out of the apartment building. The open air of the city does little to clear my head. Instead it only increases my need to put as much space between Izaya and myself as possible.

I'm running blindly through Ikebukuro and the first time I cross a street I get sideswiped by a large truck. The impact throws me several feet and I skid across the pavement for several more, but it doesn't faze me and I stand up and keep running.

It's been a long time since I've chased Izaya through the city and it's just a relief to be running through the streets again.

Everything kind of shifts into a blur after a while. I'm not paying attention to where I'm running I can faintly remember crashing into more large objects even though I can't remember what they were or how many times I hit something. When I finally stop running my lungs and throat are on fire and every breath is painful. Blood is running down one side of my face, soaking into the front of my shirt, and running down one of my arms.

I fall to the ground and lean against the damp brick wall of the alley. Rain is starting to fall soaking through my hair and clothes and washing the blood into a slightly pink puddle that's forming around me. I lift my face up to the sky panting hard.

Everyone has fled the streets and gone inside to get out of the pounding rain and I feel like I'm the only person left for miles. I sigh. Now there's no way I can hurt anyone. Least of all Izaya. He's safe now. Everyone's safe from me. I lean back against the brick wall and close my eyes, finally able to sleep without endangering anyone.

Something taps me on the head I open my eyes and instantly have a PDA screen shoved into my face.

[Shizuo, what happened to you? Where is Izaya? Why are you in the rain? Were you attacked?]
"Celty?" I ask as thunder rumbles overhead.

[Yes! Now answer my questions!]

Questions? Oh yeah. "Celty, I can't keep Izaya anymore. I almost killed him twice. I had to leave before I hurt him. I can't take care of him anymore," I confess staring down at the bloody pavement.

Celty types frantically and shoves the PDA back into my face. [Where is Izaya?]

I shake my head to clear away the fogginess. "I don't know. I-ran away this morning and he chased me-what time is it?" Without waiting for an answer I snatch Celty's PDA and read the numbers on the wet screen while she waves her arms angrily and tries to steal it back.

5:35 PM.

Izaya has been all alone in the city all day.

"Oh, no." I jump to my feet instantly awake. Celty manages to take back her PDA and frantically types out a message.

[What is it?]

"I left Izaya this morning and he's been all alone since then," I say. I'm so mad at myself. If I couldn't stay with him anymore I should have at least taken him to Shinra and Celty. I'd been so stupid and now Izaya is in even more danger!

[Do you think he would go back to your apartment?] Celty asks.

"We should check their first. Ask Shinra if he's seen him."

Celty nods and types out the message then hands me a motorcycle helmet. I take it and climb on her black motorcycle. She climbs on in front and takes off. The thunder and lightning becomes more intense as we drive to my apartment and by the time we get there wind has picked up as well blowing curtains of rain across the empty streets.

As soon as Celty's motorcycle has stopped moving enough for me to jump off I start sprinting towards the apartment building. I dash up the stairs and run into the apartment.

"Izaya?! Izaya?! IZAYA ARE YOU HERE?!" I yell desperately hoping that he is. I start searching through all the rooms calling his name over and over again. I remember when he told me they were coming for him and that they would find him on matter what. I'd left him alone all day and now he was gone. What if they'd taken him? I'm on my second search of the house when I run into Celty in the living room and knock her over. I help her up and she types out a message on her PDA.

[Shinra says he's not at our apartment. Is he here?]

I shake my head and her shoulders slump.

Izaya's tortured screams are starting to play over and over again in my head. As if it's a premonition of what could be happening to him at this very minute. "

It's all my fault," I mutter pressing the heel of my hand against my eyes.

[Izaya is fine. We just have to find him. Where else would he go?]

"Where else would he know to go I've only taken him to your apartment and mine…." I trail off. "His apartment!"

[Yes! You just took him there yesterday, right?]

"Yeah," I nod. I dash back outside with Celty close behind and we speed off into the storm. The wind is so strong at this point it nearly blows Celty's bike over and she has to struggle to keep it upright. We manage to make it to Izaya's apartment in one piece and Celty and I run up the stairs. When we reach Izaya's door I pull back my fist to punch the door in, but Celty simply pushes past me and grabs the doorknob and throws the door open.

"I thought I locked that door," I say as she slips into Izaya's apartment. She turns around and tilts her helmet to the side in a way that says, exactly.

We both run into the apartment and split up. Celty searches the bottom floor while I run upstairs to take the top floor. I search through the rooms randomly leaving Izaya's destroyed one for last. I really don't want to go to back into that room with its dried blood and torn up furniture. By the time I get around to it Celty has finished searching the entire lower level and I know for a fact it's smaller than the top level.

[There's nothing downstairs. Did you find anything?]

"No, but I'm not done yet," I say. "I still have to look in Izaya's room."

[You've been moving pretty slowly.]

I nod and we both head towards Izaya's room together. The door is shut and Celty tentatively reaches out to open it. Unable to put it off any more push her aside and throw the door open.

Izaya is sitting on the floor with his back to us. He's holding his jacket like a small child would hold a security blanket as he stares at the destruction. Lightning flashes outlining his small, shaking form. Celty clapped her hand against her helmet in a gesture that clearly means, oh no!

I stand frozen in the doorway unsure of what to do. I want to comfort him, but I don't want to hurt him and I feel like I can't help him without hurting him.

Celty gestures at him questioningly. I shake my head and try to push her towards him. She shakes her head and points commandingly him. I shake my head more vehemently trying to get the point across. I can't help him anymore.

She whips out her PDA and types out a message. [Shizuo! What's wrong with you?]

"Nothing!" I whisper in surprise.

[Why won't you help him?]

"Why won't you?" I whisper.

[He needs words, Shizuo. He's not going to read the words I type on the screen! You need to speak to him.]

"I'll kill him!"

[What?!]

"You know how strong I am, I'll just end up hurting him. I already have!"

[Every minute you don't do something you're hurting him!]

"At least it's not a broken bone!"

[No! It's worse, this is harder to heal!]

"Shinra can deal with it."

[Not like you can! Shinra doesn't care about Izaya.]

"Neither do I!"

[Then why do you care about hurting him so much?]

"I-I…it's complicated. You wouldn't understand," I stutter.

[Please, Shizuo. You can't hurt Izaya. It's impossible. Help him.] I shake my head. "I don't help people. I hurt them. I'm a-a monster!" [So is Izaya. Please. He's hurting. If you aren't going to help him you might as well kill him right now for all the good you'll do him.]

Kill him?!

I shake my head and Celty gently pushes me forward. I walk toward him and sit down half a foot away. Far enough away to keep myself from hurting him, but close enough to touch him. Thunder crashes and his breath hitches before falling into a rapid, shallow pattern. I reach out towards him and place my hand on his shoulder he gasps as if I'd thrown a bucket of cold water onto his head. He looks up at me shivering.

"Izaya?" I ask. His eyes suddenly don't look as wide and innocent anymore. His arms are wrapped tightly around his jacket and he hugs it to his chest shaking harder. "Izaya," I say trying to smile encouragingly. He doesn't even turn his head to look at me. Instead he continues to stare at the blood on the floor in front of him. "What's wrong, Izaya?" I ask gently. He continues to stare, in shock, at the floor. "Izaya, I'm sorry. This is my fault." I take my hand off of his shoulder and run it through his hair.

"No," he whispers in an empty voice. "It's my fault." His voice is dead and flat, but somehow it conveys so much.

"Izaya, let's go. Come on. This isn't a good place-"

"No. This is my place. I live here. I-I-I used to sleep there." He looks up at the bed. "This is my blood on the floor, isn't it?"

"Izaya-"

"You knew. Don't lie to me! I know what I'm saying. I know I'm not crazy. Right?" he asks, finally turning to look at me.

"No," I say running my hand through his hair again.

"Then why do you keep lying to me? Why can't you just tell me? Why?"

"What am I supposed to say? 'Oh yeah, by the way you were viciously attacked in your house' while you were shaking, and cutting, and screaming, and scared?" I ask.

"No," I say before he can answer. "No."

He sighs and presses against me. I pull away. I just don't want to hurt him again. He pulls his jacket around him and hugs himself with his arms shivering slightly.

"I remember what happened now, Shizu-chan," he says.

What?! Izaya remembers who he is and he's not….trying to…kill me? Why is he still shaking here like a pathetic six year old?

"Izaya?" I ask in a puzzled tone.

"Yes. That's my name. I think we've established that," he says sassily before becoming more subdued again. "I was right, you know. They came here because I was….a bad person. They didn't like how I was hurting people and they wanted to stop me, but not kill me. That was very clear from the beginning."

"Oh was it?" I say looking at the blood spattered across the floor. I'm actually kind of surprised someone could lose this much blood and still live.

"Yeah."

"Well didn't you…try to fight back or anything?" He nods. "That's when things got messy. They had this blanket or something on my head and I couldn't see anything, but I had a knife and I was trying to cut them, but they took it-the knife-and then it just hurt so much. Like, pain everywhere. I kept trying to get my knife back, but finally…" He shrugs.

"Do you remember anything else?" I ask trying to shake the violent image in my head.

"Nothing before waking up and not being able to see, but everything after that happened."

Oh. That's a sobering thought. What do you tell someone after they remember something like that? Feeling Celty's disapproving presence I reach out for him, but he pulls away and my hand closes on air.

"Don't touch me," he hisses. I stare at him in shock. His eyes are hard and cold like the old Izaya's daring me to cross the line and threatening death if I do.

"Wha-?"

"I told you not to tell me lies and I meant it. You don't have to sugarcoat anything for me, Shizuo. I can take it. I'm not that weak in your eyes, am I?" he asks disdainfully. "I hope not. Pity me, why don't you. I may not be as strong as you are, but I've been through hell and back. Nothing you say can hurt me. I won't let it!"

"Izaya."

Where is all this even coming from? I don't understand what's going on here. He would have run to me without a second thought even after I hurt him before. What happened to him? I stand up and bend over him. "What's wrong, Izaya?"

"Stay away from me!" he screams backing away from me. "Stay away!" He pulls back his arm and makes a fist. I duck under his hand and scoop him up, holding him tightly against my body to keep him from struggling which makes him struggle more.

"Let go of me, Shizuo!" he screams struggling violently.

"Be quiet. You'll feel better once we're out of this room!" I say trying to get him through the door without hitting on of his arms or legs against the doorframe. "No!" he growls. When I still don't let go of him he sinks his teeth into my shoulder. Hard. Pain shoots down into my collarbone. I roar and my body instinctively reacts to the pain throwing the lightweight attacker off of me and against a wall. The sharp cry of pain that accompanies the dull thud of his body hitting the wall only infuriates me more. I slowly step closer to him until I'm towering over him. He's shaking, pressing his body against the wall, frozen with fear. And he said he would never be afraid of me. Liar. I kick him against the wall and smile when I hear only a small groan escape him.

I reach down to pick him up and shove him against the wall, but a shadowy form grabs my arm. Before I can react I'm flipped into the air. I land heavily on my back and the air is forced out of my lungs. I lay on the floor trying to force air back into my lungs with painful gasps.

Through my somewhat blurry vision I watch Izaya push himself onto his feet, grimacing. Then, leaning heavily against the wall for support, he struggles down the hallway occasionally throwing fearful glances back at me to make sure I'm not coming after him.

He doesn't have to worry though, my anger has died out as quickly as it appeared replaced by a sick feeling as I notice the bloody marks on the wall. They weren't left here by the people who kidnapped Izaya, they're too bright and wet for that. I did that. I hurt Izaya. I want to follow him downstairs and make sure he's okay so badly, but I know I can't. I can't stop myself from hurting him and that means I have to stay away from him. As far away as I can get.

I stand up, still trying to catch my breath. Celty grabs my shoulder to keep me from following Izaya. She doesn't have to, I know I have to stay away from him.

"Celty, please take Izaya back with you. He's not safe with me anymore and I need to know he's somewhere he'll be taken care of," I say.

She stiffens in surprise and then relaxes. She nods and turns to follow Izaya down the stairs. Then abruptly stops and types out a message on her PDA.

[Are you sure, Shizuo?]

I nod.

[Do you want to at least say goodbye?]

I shake my head not trusting my voice at the moment.

She nods and follows Izaya.

"Could-could you tell him I'm sorry?" I ask before she can disappear down the stairs. She turns, looking at me with her helmet cocked to the side for a long time before nodding and continuing down the stairs.

I stay in the hallway until I hear the door slam shut behind them and then I walk down the stairs and watch them run through the pouring rain to Celty's bike. She creates a helmet for Izaya and after he puts it on they both get on the bike and drive out into the storm. I watch them disappear in the thick sheets of rain and stay at the window with my hand pressed up against the glass. Maybe this is why Izaya likes to watch people so much. It's as close as he'll ever get to getting something he can't have.

My hand is numb from the cold glass when I finally pull it away and leave Izaya's apartment. After locking the door from the inside and shutting it behind me, I'm positive Izaya stole the key from me, I head out into the storm.

I'm soaking wet within seconds and soon I'm numb with cold. The roaring sound of so much rain hitting the pavement fills my ears keeps me from thinking about Izaya. Or anything else and I'm thankful for it. I don't want to have to think about it ever again.

When I get back to my apartment I fall into bed without taking off my wet bartender's uniform, but even though I'm exhausted I don't fall asleep. Instead I stay up until the clock reads 1:55AM and then I'm finally able to close my eyes long enough to catch a few hours of sleep.

When I get out of bed the next morning the apartment seems strangely empty. The dog ran off along with Izaya and I. I don't expect it to come back. The door is propped up against the doorframe where I left it last night. I'll have to get that fixed.

I feel so….alone. Without anyone else here to talk to or take up space the rooms seems too big. I quickly find my phone and call up Tom. The sooner I get back to work the better. Missing Izaya is the worst waste of time invented. He's going to get his memories back and then it will be just like old times. We'll hate each other and chase each other. I'll try to kill him and he'll try to get me in trouble and-

I kick one of the chairs in the kitchen and it collides with the wall. And nothing. I'll leave this city if I have to! I don't want to hurt Izaya again. Ever.

Izaya: This is just great. How come Shizu-chan doesn't get nightmares?

Shizuo: Because I get major guilt trips instead!

Izaya: It's so nice how much Shizu-chan cares about me now. So sweet.

Shizuo: Shut up before I have to make you!

Izaya: I want a chapter

Me: Well this is told through Shizuo's perspective so you don't get one

Izaya: but it's all about meeeeee! I should get to tell my half

Me: fine, next chapter is all yours, but you're going to regret it

Izaya: hah, make me.

Me: you sure you want to try me like this?

Izaya: oh please, I'm Izaya Orihara. I'm not scared of a little girl

Me: oooookay. I hope you liked it

Izaya: Review if you did so at least something nice comes out of that torture.

Shizuo: I kinda liked this chapter. You're so cute while you sleep.

Izaya: WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO SAY?

Shizuo: I NEVER MEANT FOR YOU TO TAKE IT THAT WAY!

Me: Oh my gosh can we please just settle down!

*awful fight started by yours truly ensues*

Izaya: remember, humans, next chapter is all mine ;)