I own nothing. A.N. at the end.

She didn't want to be back at District 7. There hadn't been anything there for her before the Quarter Quell and now with everyone hating most of the remaining victors she had even less. She still didn't understand the animosity towards her kind. Well, she did actually. It was the animosity towards her specifically that she didn't get. She had been on the Mockingjay's side during the games, not to mention she had been captured and fucking tortured in her place. And while people didn't necessarily know about the second part, they all saw her team up with Katniss during the Quell. So why were they treating her like the victors who had been loyal to the Capitol? Why couldn't she get the respect, awe, and tinge of fear that seemed to be aimed at the disappeared trio from 12? She was just as broken and crazy as all of them, barely able to stand the sight of the water hitting her windows during storms. Hell she had a full breakdown when she had been caught in a downpour in the middle of the square in 7. No one came to her aid, she had been clutching an axe and started swinging wildly as soon as she saw the first figure move towards her. They had formed a crowd, watching her lose it until the rain stopped seconds, minutes, hours, later and she had stood there, drenched, exhausted, and shaking in fear, struggling to get out of the place she never wanted to go again.

She left after that, unable to stand the looks and mutters she got in the streets. She wanted to lop someone's head off every time they directed their pitying attention towards her and she was already suspect enough without going off on a stranger. She went to 4, hoping she could find solace with Annie. She had lost her best friend, which didn't equate to Annie's loss of the love of her life, but misery loves company and they were missing the same person. She didn't last long. Sure Finnick's kid was cute as hell, and sure Annie was a balm to her soul – just as miserable and broken and outcasted as she was – but it was too much. She couldn't keep looking at the kid and seeing her best friend's face, she couldn't deal with Annie's episodes and night terrors along with her own, and she couldn't live near the water. She didn't know why it hadn't occurred to her that that would happen, but living in a District that was run by fishing wasn't a good idea for a hydrophobic. Usually she didn't have to go to the water, but Annie had decided she wanted to instill as much of Finnick as possible in her son and took him down there everyday. The boy had become attached and when his mother relapsed he turned to her instead, begging her to take him to the water, and she just couldn't do it.

She ended up in District 12. She had gone there intentionally, she was Johanna Mason after all – she did nothing by accident, but she wasn't sure exactly what to expect. Eerie emptiness, with the two lovebirds and Haymitch trying to ignore their desolate surroundings was her best guess. Except she was wrong. There were people there, which wasn't too surprising she supposed. The three victors couldn't run the place by themselves, and although there was an air of depression the residents didn't look as beaten down as she had expected. She resented that. She wanted a place that matched how she felt, and while the land itself did so, the people weren't as low as she was. They had hope, for some unfathomable reason they seemed to move with the idea that things would get better.

She resented it enough that she almost left. But the two lovebirds were fucked up and even if they had managed to get over their shit, she could count on Haymitch to be as drunk and depressed as ever. So she turned her path to the victor's village, intent on stopping at Haymitch's first.

Her plans were derailed when she saw three people sitting on the porch of a house. One was the man she was looking for, while the other two appeared to be a younger man and woman. She ground her teeth. Of course. The three of them were a team, they had each other to lean and depend on. They would fix each other because that's what friends do. Not everyone was stuck wandering Panem alone with less after the war than before. Even Annie, as great as her loss was, had a son – a reminder of her lost family and a source of hope for its future. And these three were a family, a unit that healed instead of splintered. She had been hoping for mirrors of herself in 12, she should have known she wouldn't find them.

She turned to leave, not interested in pretending to be okay with them being okay. She wanted to hurt something, hurt something to the extent that it hurt like she hurt. She was sick of being alone, unable to rely on anyone for anything. She decided she would try the Capitol next, see if she couldn't fall into a habit that would wipe her memories away each day so she could start over without having to think about everything she had lost and destroyed.

"Hey!"

She stopped, fingers flexing, not really wanting to turn back. But Haymitch had seen her and he knew her well enough to know she wouldn't be here without reason. Meaning he would hunt her down if she did leave.

A hand on her shoulder made the decision for her, and she turned around to be engulfed in an embrace. She sank into it, unable to resist solid human contact, something she hadn't had since she lived with Katniss in 13.

"What the hell are you doing here, huh?" He pulled back to study her face and she gave a noncommital shrug in return. He nodded slowly, his blue eyes scanning her far too knowingly for her liking, then took a step back before turning and pulling her along with him. "C'mon. Come say hi."

She kept her eyes glued to the ground as she was dragged up to the porch, not really wanting to see the two of them being a couple in front of their house and throwing it further in her face. Not that they knew she resented them, knew she wasn't as straight as everyone seemed to think, knew she liked Katniss far more than any of her past behavior would suggest. She learned from an early age not to chase the girls who were taken by boys, but her hurt over the fact that she was often rejected because of her gender grew into an attitude that led to her resenting any girl she liked. She didn't hate Katniss, she didn't hate Peeta, she hated their luck, the fact that they could find someone without the fuss and shock that came with two girls being together. Haymitch knew this, knew her dirty little secret. Finnick had been put in charge of them during the Quell while she got Wiress and Beetee because he knew that even if Katniss didn't already hate her for her prior behavior, she wouldn't have been able to stand being with the two of them, watching them play out the greatest love story of all time for the eager audience. But now the bastard was pushing it in her face, making her talk to of them while sitting at their home, being domestic and happy and moving on with their lives. She did hate him.

"Hey Johanna."

His voice had gotten softer since she had last seen him, it sounded more like how he used to be. The harsh edge that came from his hijacked memories was gone and he sounded almost normal. Probably meant the two of them were doing great now that he was getting over his shit. She mumbled a response, offering a small wave, managing to keep her eyes glued anywhere but their faces. She wasn't going to look at them if she didn't have to, and she was successful until a hand entered her field of vision. Except it was wrong. It was smaller, more delicate, less calloused, and it wavered slightly, lacking that brass attitude that had been so annoyingly endearing. She looked up.

Delly was waiting to shake her hand, a small unsure smile on her face. Peeta's arm was around her shoulders, his gaze fixed on her, face soft and almost. . . apologetic? She whirled on Haymitch, but before she could open her mouth to ask he hooked a thumb over his shoulder.

"Same place that she came out of during the victory tour for the 74th. We haven't seen her leave so she's home not out hunting. Although I have to warn you she-"

Johanna missed the rest of it, leaving Haymitch to talk to air and Delly to awkwardly stuff her hand in the pocket of her dress as she strode determinedly to the house.

There were primroses in front and she felt herself falter. She was broken sure, but her hurt was old. Present, but less defined – more of a wound that had a long lingering infection that no one could figure out the exact cause of. Katniss's pain was fresh, sharp, defined, named. She knew who she missed, knew exactly what her life lacked, and it sure as hell wasn't Johanna Mason.

But that didn't matter. Because Johanna Mason knew Katniss Everdeen, had been where she was, and had survived through it. Not thrived, but victors lost that ability so she had done as well as could be expected. She could make sure Katniss survived. Could be there for her, for all the times that no one was present in her own life. She had nothing else to do, no one else to see, so why not. She climbed the stairs and knocked, hesitated, and tested the door. It was open.

The house was dark, but it felt like there was someone there. There wasn't quite a sense that it was lived in, but it was clean, there was furniture, food in the kitchen, and simple decor. Someone existed here, and that was good enough. She started towards the stairs, pausing then whipping around as she felt the air shift behind her. She was quick enough to end up face-to-face with Katniss Everdeen as she was shoved against a wall and was grateful for that. She would have been far less pretty with a broken nose.

Katniss blinked at her, surprise written across her face. She offered a half smile. "Hey Brainless."

She was dropped suddenly, the other girl's slim weight disappearing from against her as Katniss took a step back. "Johanna?"

She rolled her eyes. "No, it's me. Finnick!" Katniss flinched, and she swore at herself. "Fuck. Dammit, I'm sorry, that was unnecessary, I shouldn't have -"

"What do you want?" The question was hissed, any sense of a peaceful reunion clearly gone in the wake of her stupid need to mock obvious questions. She swore at herself again.

"I was looking for you."
"Why."
"I wanted to see how you were holding up."
"Why."

Because I missed you? Because I wanted to make sure bread-boy was making you happy? Because I wanted to see if there was a chance that I could get back into your life before I fucked it up within the first five seconds? "I was worried about you."

"Why."
She sighed. "Katniss. . ."

The other victor narrowed her eyes. "Honestly Johanna. Why are you here?"

She looked away. "I . . ." A beat of silence, then two. Katniss waited, watching her like a predator as she struggled with herself. The other girl's face softened and she stepped forward, back into Johanna's space. She grabbed her chin and forced her gaze back.

"Why?" The question was softer this time, an actual inquiry instead of a pointed attack. She sagged against the wall, trapped between it and Katniss. A voice in her brain whispered that it was a fantasy come true. She ignored it.

"I need help. You helped. Therefore I need you. And you need help too. With what did or rather didn't happen with Peeta" Katniss's face darkened but she went forward anyway. "He's out there cuddling another girl, and you're in here in a house that is dark and slightly depressing, and something clearly went wrong somewhere. So you need help, my help."

Katniss stepped away from her again. "Why do you think you can help me?"
"I did last time didn't I? I mean yeah it was more of you helping me but I got you out of the room with your family and into an environment that let you become an actual force in the war effort."

She didn't see the slap coming, and it burned. Katniss stood there, her eyes blazing. "That fucking war effort got my sister killed! My LITTLE sister! Who was innocent, and good, and DIDN'T deserve to die! And if I had been with her -"
"She would have still been killed. She was a healer, she would have still been there, and she would still be gone. You wouldn't have been able to do anything, wouldn't have been able to stop her. You're right Katniss, she was good, she needed to help. If you weren't fighting she still would have helped. You had nothing to do with it." Katniss started at her, and Johanna knew it wasn't enough. It would probably never really be enough, but one lecture definitely wouldn't make a lot of impact. She moved into Katniss's space. "I know me telling you this doesn't help, doesn't assuage your guilt. It might never. You're going to have to live with pain the rest of your life. But it's better to live with her death than to live with guilt over her death." She scooted forward a little more. "You." Half a step. "Were." Another half a step. "Not." She reached up to cup Katniss's face with both hands. "Responsible." She leaned her forehead against the other girls, staring her straight in the eye. "It was not your fault and I've decided that's why I'm here. To tell it was not your fault. I've also decided I'm going to stay here. To tell you every day it was not your fault, until you start to believe me."

She felt Katniss nod slowly, her head dipping down as she seemed to soak up Johanna's words. Then her face shifted even closer and she felt the district 12 victor's lips on hers.

She stiffened in surprise, then placed both hands of Katniss's chest and pushed. "What the fuck are you doing?"

The former mocking jay looked flustered, her face turning red in embarrassment. "I'm so sorry, I wanted you to stop talking about her but I didn't want to offend you and make you leave and Haymitch told me and I guess he was wrong but after Peeta and Delly and I was hurting and I dunno I guess he thought it would be a good idea but I -"
She clamped a hand over the other girl's mouth. "Whoa. Haymitch told you what exactly?"

Mumbles came from behind her hand and she could feel Katniss's lips moving. She removed the hand. "He um, well. He, uh, said that, um, you – you liked um . . . girls. He told me that you liked girls."
She felt her stomach drop. Bastard. "And what else?"

Katniss looked confused. "What do you mean what else? That's what he told me."
"He didn't tell you anything else? Why did you kiss me then?"
"Well I wanted you to shut up and I thought you might like it cause of what Haymitch said and – hmph" Johanna surged forward, hands coming up to hold Katniss's face in place as she connected their lips. She took her time, letting their mouths move together slowly, keeping a gentle yet firm pressure. She felt Katniss start to pull away slightly, so she tilted her head to touch her forehead to the other girl's. Giving her a small space and split second to take a breath she reapplied pressure, keeping her head tilted slightly downward, dominating the kiss and firmly claiming the other girl's mouth with her own. She kept their connection, determined not to let go of the moment until she absolutely had to. When her lungs started burning she pulled back and offered Katniss a grin. "If you're gonna kiss someone out of nowhere, do it like you know what you're doing Brainless."

Katniss's eyes were huge, and she stared for a minute before nodding. "Duly noted. I'll remember that for next time."
"Next time huh?"

"Well you did say you were staying for a while. And it would be nice to have a hunting partner again."
She nodded slowly, keeping their eyes locked. "That would work. Sounds like something I could live with."
"Um, there is one problem."
"What is that?"
"I only have one bed."
Johanna smirked. "Perfect."

So I learned three things in writing this. One, I start way too many sentences with conjunctions and I'm pretty sure cause there's no one to tell me not to anymore. Two, dialogue is not a thing I really remember the format for. I think I broke some rules, hopefully it flows okay. Three, goddamn I cannot write romance. I struggled with that kiss and I still feel like it's poorly written, so my apologies. I'll probably stick to an abundance of character analysis from now on. I tried to keep them as in character as possible, I feel like this isn't really deep enough in either of their heads to have fully achieved that. That being said it's 1:40 in the morning and I have a lab final tomorrow so I'm proud that I got something coherent out at all. Also, it's been proof-read but I'm really fucking tired so I could have easily missed something - any mistakes are mine. Feel free to tell me what is or isn't working.