Notes: Without beta

Good morning, Ian," says the woman. She is smiling brightly, but a wee bit sad, while holding Grandma's kitchen tools.

I tilt my head to the side. I can't become used to this. She is acting like... a mama, or a sister or... I don't know. But it scares me that she and the man act like this. They are too familiar with me. I don't know them, and I think I don't want to know them.

"It is not Ian," I correct her. She startles, and something lit up in her eyes, a small smile on the corner of her mouth. "It is Iván. Written I, U, A, N. It can be read either Iván or Juan." Her smile dies and her eyes lose their brightness.

"I see," she says, averting her gaze.

"But Grandma started to call me Ian. She said that after all that trouble to find a name for me, it could be changed too easily, so she shortened it. I don't understand why. I liked Iván."

"Would you like me to call you Iván?"

I shrug, I don't really care. Though I don't understand why I explained it to her. I still don't trust any of them.

"I don't know your name."

"Maribel," she tells me. "It's shortened. Full is María Isabel. Friends used to call me... Belle."

"Bell? Like that one?" I point towards the wall. There is a big yellow bell. Grandma used to ring it when I played outside to call me back to eat. Her face has a smile, but I can tell is fake. She is sad.

"Well, more like "beauty". I was teased a lot by my friends."

I can hear Grandma telling a story, but I can't distinguish her words. It's so frustrating.

"As beauty, you say?" She nods. "I don't know. Grandma is a beauty. But that is not her name."

She smiles at me, amused. "That's why I got teased. When I was a child I wasn't exactly a beauty. Only after I was older people started to say I was one. But I never felt that way. Not unless..."

This catches my interest. "Unless?" I encourage her.

"Unless it was said by someone I love deeply."

"Oh!" So she has a loved one. Good for her. It's not like I care, but I thought... I don't even know what I thought. "Where is this someone?" I ask then. Strangely enough I have the desire to know.

"He... he is lost. I am looking for him." Her stare gets too intense, I avert my eyes. I can't stand it when she looks at me like that. "Do you want to help me with this?" She asks me then, maybe to get me to look at her again. And I look. She wants me to help her with the food. Good, I know some recipes they should learn.

"Yes, why not?"

/0/

I am under the sofa. It's my second favourite hiding place. My first one is under Grandma's bed. I hear the voices of Belle and the man. They sit on the sofa. They don't know I am here. I know that I should get out, but I am curious about what they will talk about, so I stay here and listen.

"Since when are you called Maribel?" the man asks.

"And you? Since when did you threw away your identity as Neal?"

They stay silent for a moment. Then, the man starts talking again. "I threw it away when we started looking for him. I want him to know that I am looking for him, and if I want him to really believe I want to see him, I need to use the name he gave me."

Silence. "It was my cursed name. I had two, in fact. The name Lacey had before being Lacey, and Lacey itself. I thought it would be better not to use that name. And... Maribel is close enough to my name. Maybe this way he will remember. Just with hints."

"I see." A pause. "I'll tell him both names. He can choose which one he wants to use to call me."

Then, they start talking about other uninteresting things, something about which place should they go when we three leave this house, if Neal's castle or Belle's castle. I am surprised that they both have castles. They sure are rich people. Then, something catches my attention again.

"I don't know. I don't want him to be near them."

"For his security."

"Of course. What do you think they would do if they found out? I mean, they won't harm us, but they don't like him that much. Apparently he did pretty awful things in the past."

"But... He is now..."

"Yeah, I know."

The sofa over me shifts. I imagine they are hugging. Is Neal the loved one of Belle? If he is, then why did she told me that he was lost? Maybe he lost his memory? That surely must hurt a lot. I know, because only thinking that some day Grandma won't remember me hurts. And... there is a place in my chest where it hurts a little, too, if I think about Belle loving someone. Right next to that place is another one which hurts when I remember the sad face of the man, Neal.

Maybe... maybe she is... family? I don't know. I was lost when Grandma found me. And they come from the same realm I came. Ma-maybe they both... Maybe they both are family. My family. I nod. I have decided. I'll go with them. I was planing a way to scape them when they tried to take me with them but... Now, I want to go with them.

/0/

"I don't want you to die..."

"I know, little one. I know." Grandma is caressing my hair. I am with her in her bed. She isn't feeling strong enough today, so she is staying in bed, even when Neal could have taken her out to get some fresh air.

Right now they are outside, checking the traps and the safe place they finished just the other day. If we were in the need to run, we would go to that place first, and then to the woods.

"Do you sense something from them?"

I look at Grandma. "Yes. They have something that... I don't know. I feel like they are trustworthy."

"But you didn't feel that way before."

I know. "I know," I say out loud. "But, somehow... They feel familiar. Not familiar enough, not yet."

Grandma nods. She is smiling. "What about their names?"

"What about them?"

"Don't they ring any bells for you?"

I smile. Bells. It's so easy to make jokes. Belle. Belle... Beauty. Gaston? I frown. "I think... I remember a name, but it's not theirs. It's not Neal's nor Belle's... It's... A name that reminds me of a red rose. It makes no sense to me."

"Don't force yourself. It'll come, or it wont. Either way, you will be good."

I hug her. "How are you feeling today, Granny?"

"Tired, my sweet," she sighs, then kiss me. "I think I'll sleep now. Go out and play with them for a while."

"They are not toys, Grandma." She smiles to me, from her bed, her skin greyed, her eyes less bright, her hair messy. She looks sick. "I love you, Miranda."

She nods. She knows. She loves me too.

/0/

They are looking at me. It's strange. I have never been observed like this. Not even by Grandma. I want them to stop. I want them to look away, or say something. They are not talking, just... staring. Why? I won't turn into a dragon and eat them whole in one bite.

"What?" I ask in the end. I can't stand it.

"What what?" asks the woman. Belle.

"What do you want? Why are you looking at me that much? I won't run away. Grandma is still here. And... I... I promised to go with you. So stop it." I can feel my eyebrows frowned.

Belle laughs. I like it. It's a sweet laugh, and she is smiling. A real smile. "Sorry, Ian. It wasn't our intention to make you feel uncomfortable."

Neal, behind her, is smiling too. Then, he puts a hand on her shoulder. She looks at him. They are liked somehow. I can see it. They can talk with their eyes. There's something between them and I can't find a way in. But, why would I want to be there too? It's not as if I want to be with them that badly. I don't like them that much. I just trust them a little. I trust them to keep me until I can live on my own and...

"Wah!"

Neal is on me. He lifts me from the ground and puts me across his shoulders and start spinning, laughing. I can hear Belle's laughter too. And there is someone else laughing. Is it me? Am I laughing as well? I... I am laughing.

Neal falls to the floor with me. Belle comes and takes me away, putting me to my feet, her hands on my hair. I am still laughing, and she is laughing, and in the ground, he is laughing too. I feel dizzy and fall over my butt.

"Bae, you crazy man. What if you fell over him?" she scolds Neal, with a smile.

"Well, he would be squashed under me, complaining," he answers, breathy.

"Why... Why do you have two names, Neal?" I ask, between pants and laughs. I think I have a fit of laughter. I don't care. But he doesn't answer. I look at him. His face is serious now. "What?"

"I have two names because I lived in two different worlds," he starts. I nod, my breath is caught in my throat. "In the first one, my mother gave me a name, and my father added to it a loving meaning. My first name is Baelfire. I was Baelfire to everyone but my father. He always called me Bae. He only used Baelfire to scold me or when he was worried sick about me." He stops then.

"And Neal?"

"It came with the second world." He didn't explain further.

"Well, let's get inside and bake some cakes!" Belle says.

She helps me again over my feet, then, she turns and helps Neal too. I think I am going to call him Bae too. Somewhat I like it better. It sounds good, it feels good to think of saying it. I spell it, and roll it over my mouth.

"Bae," I whisper while they are both away. Something warm runs over me. It's pleasant, so I repeat the name until it sounds so familiar that another name comes out my mouth. "Milah." I frown, I don't know anybody called Milah. I know Miranda, and Belle and Bae, but not Milah. Then, a painful sensation as another name is thrown out by my lips. "Malcolm."

And I cry. I know this name means something sad and it hurts. It seems like betrayal. I don't want to remember anymore. I don't want. It's easiest to not remember. I know there is something going on with my memory. I know. Grandma has explained it to me. In order to be a child... Maybe that's why I haven't grown up yet, because this way I can be a child for ever and stay with Grandma.

/0/

It's late at night, Belle wake up all of us. There is a fire. We are being attacked. I want to stay with Grandma, but the adults won't let me. This is really the first time in my life I have wanted to be an adult too, to be able to grown up, to help Miranda the same way Bae can. He is about to put her on his shoulders, when she refuses.

"No, you three go out. I can still hold the barrier up, they won't see you, but I need to focus so I can't move."

"Granny," I cry. Maybe if I bribe her with tears...

"Oh, sweetheart, don't worry. Now, go." I can see it, she is sure about this. She is staying. Staying to die. She won't survive this. I know, she knows. Maybe Belle and Bae suspect it, but they... they have to save her. The must.

"No, Granny, Grandma! NOO!" Belle gets me and runs towards the hiding place they set days before. I can see the house being burn. Before we go, I hear Grandma's voice one more time.

"Baelfire!" He runs towards her and I can't see more. Belle hide both of us and covers my ears so I can't hear what those bandits are saying. I want them gone, so I broke the promise. I need to protect them all. I... I have to protect them, it's my duty, I am the most powerful of all. I call the cry of the Banshee upon them and they run away, scared.

I can't move, Belle is hugging me too tight. I hear her voice. "C'mon, Bae, come out. C'mon!" she says, and her grip looses when she sees Bae, so I get off her arms and run towards the house.

"Grandma!"

"BAE! Get him!" she screams.

"Nooo! NOO! Mirandaa! MIRANDAA! NOO! DON'T LEAVE ME, MIRANDA. I LOVE YOU, PLEASE DON'T LEAVE ME. I'LL BE GOOD. PLEASE, PLEASE!"

Baelfire got me on his arms, but something fell from his hands to the ground. I can feel it. The calling. I can feel it all too strong to resist. It's saying my name, but I can't seem to know which one. It is not Ian. It is not Iván. It is not Juán. It's larger. It's stronger. It's making me feel magic rushing through my veins.

I reach with one hand. If I stretch a little bit more. Just a bit more. I desire with all my might for the fire to be gone, and it ceases. I desire to see my Grandma, so one of the walls starts to fall apart. Then, I feel like something is pulling me out. Something in my stomach. It feels like my guts were taken away from me. I suppose the shock is too much, because right after that, I fall unconscious.

/0/

Why does my heart feel so bad?

He had a constant ache in his chest. It hurt. He was in and out of nightmares, non-stop. It hurt. He saw a man leaving him more than once since he was small. Then, when he tried one last time mend thing with this man... He left him again. It hurt him. He cried so hard his throat was sore, no more tears could come out his reddened and swollen eyes. He had to breath with his mouth open wide, and even so the air couldn't come inside his lungs. Not enough air. It hurt.

"Please, don't leave me."

A burning hand rested over his forehead. Whispers. Two people? He wasn't alone. Who were they? There was a woman. Something is wrong. There should be two women, not only one. The other was a man. He reached to the man who instantly took his trembling hand. His bigger hand was cooler than the one resting on his forehead, so he tried to guide it there. It burn. He was burning. Pain, pain.

Why was the world spinning? Spinning wheel. Memories. A golden thread in his hands. His hands. His hands?

"Ma' hands," he said, lifting them to his eyes. They were small normal hands. No sign of black nails or strange skin colour. "Ma'... ma' hands?" He looked around, trying to focus on the two people who where there.

"Shh, yes, these are your hands. It's okay. You are okay. Try to sleep," a sweet voice. The man had a sweet soothing voice, full with love and affection. He wanted to cry again.

"It.. hurts."

"Where, my love?" asked the woman voice. He moved his head a little towards her, trying to focus on her face.

"Ma' heart. Don...t leave me..." he cried again, falling into a merciful unconsciousness.

/0/

When I wake up I'm alone. I recognise the place. It's my new home. I have been down with high fever and nightmares, but I can't say for how long. I still feel sad when I try to remember those nightmares. They weren't scary at first, just sad. Then, people dance around me and start to disappear in front of me, leaving me alone. Just like... Miranda.

She had abandoned me. I know. Not because she wanted to, but because she had to. I hate it. I want Miranda back. I wish I had grown up faster. Maybe I could have married her. I love her. She had taken care of me since forever and I miss her. My heart aches with the loss.

I get up. It's still night time. I wander around. I know where are the rest of the rooms. I don't want to be alone right now so I go to Baelfire's room. It's empty. I know where he is right now. He is always with her when he is not alone. There is something between them. Not quite love. They love each other, that much is obvious, but not as a man and a woman. I can't understand. And I want. I want to understand them now. It's important. I know it is.

When I arrive at Belle's room I hear their voices. I open the door, just a crack, just enough to see them in front of the window, too close to my taste. I have to know why I don't want them that close. I like that they like each other, but I fear they will fall in love with each other. Maybe it is because then they will have their own children and I won't be needed. I will be abandoned again. I shiver.

"...Ian, just Ian." I hear Bae's words. Not the full thing, though. Then, they hug. That frightens me so much. I close the door, then knock.

"Come in," says Belle. And I do. They are no longer in each other arms. They are focused on me, and me only. I feel a little bad about that. When I'm near them, it's like I am their reason to live. It's a lot of pressure, but, somehow, I like it. Being loved. But I don't trust it's love what they have towards me.

I fall asleep on Belle's lap. I feel protected when I am with both of them. It's reassuring. But I have the feeling that I will lose them. They eventually learn about my magic and they will reject me. It will hurt a lot more, because they are showing me this kind of protection and want. They want me. Still.

When I wake up again, I'm in my bed again. I can feel Bae here. Is he sobbing? Am I dying? I get up and go out. But I don't want them to see me, so I break the promise I made to Miranda yet again. I become one with the shadows.

"I... can't sleep," Belle says.

"If you want, we can talk by the fire with something to drink. I think I won't be able to sleep either."

They go away together. Bae takes Belle's hand in his and squeezes it tightly. I want too... But what? What is it that I want? Do I want to be with Belle only? Do I prefer to be alone with Baelfire? I need both of them, but I don't like them like this. I have to break in. They are world apart from me, and I have no way to coming in, to break that spell.

I can feel new hot tear-drops falling from my chin to the ground. One hits my feet and I look down. Golden gleam. They are no more tears. I am crying gold, and I don't know how I am doing it, but I can't stop it.

After I had calmed down a little, I follow the same path Belle and Bae took and find them drinking a golden coloured drink. I can smell the alcohol from here. It must be strong. They aren't talking, just looking at the fire, the flames eating slowly the wood.

Bae gets up after finishing his glass to pour some more liquid on it. Belle follows him, her glass empty too. They stumble. Her glass falls to the floor. It doesn't get broken, maybe because the carpet, or because it has some spell on it.

But what I am looking at is not the fallen glass. My breath catches at my chest. Bae is holding Belle. They are looking at each other, maybe a little too drunk. She lifts one hand and touches Bae's cheek. He tightens the grip on her waists. There is something here. They are so far away right now I am sure even if I entered the room they wouldn't notice me.

Bae leans forward and kiss Belle. She responds to the kiss.

I feel something inside me shattering. Anger, desperation, desolation, wrath. Because they are kissing like they meat the world to each other.

Then the illusion is broken. They both step down, flushed.

"I am sorry," they say at the same time.

"This is so wrong. We can't do this. Not now."

"We have come this far. This will ruin everything."

They both knows something I don't. They know that what they are seeking is someone who would be there for them. But I don't know it, so I am still hurt and confused. I run towards my room. I don't want to see more. They will, they will have their own children. I'll be cast alone.

/0/

There is it. The monster. Its hair unruly, curly, eyes golden, dark teeth as black as its nails. Its skin iridescent with earthly colours: green, grey, brown, ash. But it has some appeal to it. It is exotic. It is smiling ruefully towards an enchanted mirror. He knew that mirror was enchanted. It was enchanted so no-one could spy him. He had more mirrors to use to be spied on. But this one, just this one he didn't want to be used.

It had a wooden frame. On top of it it was an angel craved. When the monster rose from its seat he was at the same eye level as the angel. It was ironic that the angel had the same face, more human, but the same nonetheless. It was crying golden rivers. Small spheres of gold feel over the chest of drawers, over a piece of cloth that was there too. The monster's hands caressed that cloth.

"I will find you, … I promise."

He couldn't hear the name. The monster looked at itself in the mirror, and suddenly, the mirror showed him a man with the exact kind of sad look. The monster growled and stormed out the room.

/0/

I wake up screaming. I am afraid of the monster, because I am the monster. Baelfire is here and he hugs me so tight I can't almost breath, but it's ok. I need it, so I hug back. Bae kisses me repeatedly, says the same thing over and over again, trying to comfort me. I can feel his hands on me, caressing me. He want's the nightmares gone as much as I want. I like the warmth he gives me.

"You have a fever again," he says, tiredly. I feel bold right now so I lean and kiss him on his cheek, bad aimed though, since my lips land just above his and feel the scratch of his stubble and the smile. He smiles at my gesture, at its failure, at my attempt to show him some of the kindness he had given me until now.

"I love you, Bae. Don't leave me, don't leave me," I hug him back and his hands tremble on my back. He kisses me again and again; temple, cheekbone, chin, under my ear, my neck. Then, he hides his face there and I feel on my skin his tears.

"I love you too. I won't leave you. I won't. But you are the one who has to say that," he whispers, and his hot breath meets the wetness of his tears on my neck.

I reach with my hand and touch him on the face. He looks up and I can see his eyes full of tears, a little red, fearing my answer. "I won't leave," I say. He leans and gives me a peck on the lips.

"Thank you," he says before laying down beside me on the bed. "Go back to sleep, I'll be here."

I nod.

I could be startled. He just kissed me on the lips, and Miranda used to do the same when I was ill. She had an special ointment on them that helped me to feel better. It had a peculiar smell, just like Bae's lips. With the corner of my eye I can see over a table a bottle. I'm sure Miranda told him about it, and how to give it to me. Strangely enough, it only worked like this, and she had had years and years of illness to make sure it couldn't work in any other way.

Still, I don't care. I have the feeling this isn't something completely foreign to me, as if... as if I had done that too when a little child was sick. A sign of affection. I am here, I'm not going anywhere, is the meaning. Just a memory on the back of my head that Bae's kiss has trigged. I want to grasp it but the medicine is working now and I feel too sleepy to keep it. Bae has his eyes closed. He has fallen asleep, the ointment works that way.

I close my eyes and I can see a little child crying in front of me. I am leaning on a big stick, my right leg won't work as it should. It is damaged. I lean over the child and kiss him. He calms down when I start talking. He knows my voice and feels safe hearing it. "Bae, my Bae," I say.

I wake up tangled with the sheets this time. An arm around me keeps me from falling off the bed. I want to remember the dream, it was pleasant, but it's gone. Something is wrong with it. I know it's important to remember that dream. I have to remember it.

/0/

New strangers come. Bae hides me and Belle open the door to them. A man and a woman. She has long black hair, he has a scar on his chin. I can hear them from where I am hiding, watch them.

"Snow, David," greets Belle.

"Belle!" The woman called Snow hugs Belle. "We have news. Where is Baelfire?"

Bae comes out and greets them.

"I'll go outside to take a look. I'm sure we were being followed," says the man called David and goes out.

"Please, sit down."

Snow sits, and Belle and Bae.

"This, this is so important," she hesitates, looking at Bae. "I think you should know that Em contacted us about a week ago. She is coming here. And she will bring..." Snow was interrupted by a growl outside and a man screaming.

Like a storm, David enters the room, leaving doors open. "They found us!" His breath is uneven and he has his pupils dilated. I can see from my hiding place.

"Who found you?" I ask, coming out.

Snow and David seems startled.

"A kid?" she asks.

"No way. Is this...?"

"No time for explanations!" exclaims Belle. "Bae, take Ian to a safer place and then join us!"

"No! I can help. I can! Let me help!"

Belle kneels before me, putting her hands on my shoulders, making eye contact. "It is really important that you are safe and don't get hurt. They are ogres and..." she looks at Snow and David.

"There must be some sorcerer with them," adds Snow.

I look from one to another. "But I can help! I promised Miranda, but she told me that I could break it if it was for helping others," I complain. But they have made the decision. I will stay inside.

"Come with me, Ian."

I follow him. Before we go, Snow calls for Bae and whispers something on his ear, his eyes widen and he nods.

"I figured as much."

"They will be here any time now. They will be able to help."

There is a wishful look on his eyes. "I know they will. She is the woman I love, and he is my son."

This comes as a surprise to me. So Bae has a son and a loved one who is not Belle? My head spins. There is something in the back of my head that wants to come out, to be present on the front where I can understand what is it. Before I hit the floor Bae catches me.

"His fever is back," I hear him.

"Not again. Not another memory."

"This... I think this memories could be the lasts ones."

I can't hear them now. There is a swirl of colours and forms and I don't know where are we going until I feel a mattress under my back. He pulls the sheets until I'm covered with them. I am already feeling better. There is something in my room that helps me to recuperate faster.

Bae seems to be too focused on the wooden box Miranda gave him. He opens it and looks inside. He is breathless. His hands tremble so much. His entire body is shaking.

"No... no... It's too late... It can't be..."

The screams and yells from the outside brings him back to the present. I close my eyes and then hear his voice near my ear. "Don't worry, don't worry. They are coming. They can help us. Henry..." That name makes my head spin again. "And Emma." He leaves.

"Em... ma... Em...ma... Hen...ry?" I can't breath, it's hot, too hot. I kick the sheets until they fall off the bed. I take out my clothes, entangling myself with them in the process. It's still too hot. I can hear the screams. They are being attacked.

I can help. I can help!

Too hot. I can't breath. The things at the back of my head are all gone. Just one thing stays there. A name.

"The Saviour. Emma, Emma... Emma..." With each new time I repeat this name I feel something leaving me. "Henry, Emma, Henry, Henry."

I get up. My legs can't stand me and I almost fall to the floor. Almost. My hands are gripped on wood. I look. There, over the polished tabletop my wooden box. I open it and watch inside.

"My dagger," I whisper. But I haven't seen it ever. How do I know it's mine escapes my knowledge.

I take it off the box. The name. It's my name. It's completely black, with silver background: Ian. I look at the mirror and I can barely see a scared sick boy, too small - I have to look up slightly. A boy who has the power to save the people outside. They are still fighting. They are in pain. They are risking their lives for me. My eyes are brown. Then, a gleam. Golden. Emma, Henry, Bae, Belle, Curse, Storybrooke, Peter Pan, Malcolm, Hook.

A whirl of images, names, places. It's all in the dagger, in the name that was erased. The name. My name.

"Rumpelstiltskin."

I look up again. My eyes are at the same lever of the angel. I smile. It's time to help my family.

An idea. This was a strange idea that came one day. The end, he, smiling at the same height as the angel was what made me write this all.

Surprised? I hope so. This is a strange story.

Moby - Why does my heart feels so bad?