Disclaimer: I do not not own Invader Zim.

Knows if You've Been Naughty

By Eduard Kassel and Zim'smostloyalservant

Christmas greetings to all, and gather round for a little holiday holiday tale.

Our tale begins in a city in an era filthier than our own. See it now, decked to their best with lights and garland and the scent of holiday cheer, mixed with capitalist consumerist fervor on a Christmas Eve day.

To one house in particular we go. Where the lights spell out TRESPASSERS WILL BE SHOT, and holiday cheer has a flavor quite different from the rest.

For this is the house of Membrane, home to Professor Membrane and his two children. The Professor did not hate Christmas per say, but his loathing of the jolly old soul transcended time and space, and he had vowed to end him. It so happens this hate and belief created rare common ground with his son Dib, who was himself quick to believe in many things. And while Dib did not share this belief, much less this hate, every year he aided his father in the hopes that his faith would be returned in kind.

So it was that each Christmas Eve, as the Santa Defense Grid rose with guns, acid sprayers, and surface-to-air missiles primed, that father and son would set out on their yuletide blood feud. Leaving little Gaz Membrane home to shop for her own Christmas presents, because the Professor had decided that was just more efficient, after all.

Gaz was a girl who had no use for any cheer, much less holiday cheer. Therefore, her shopping was anything but jolly as she hunted for bargains and her prized games. And a ruthless hunter she was, protected from all consequences by the power of her father and the fear that he inspired.

But the holidays are a magical time of year, and not all that magic is nice. For those who stoop too low in their naughtiness, there exist those who will seek to punish just as diligently as others seek to reward the righteous.

So let us now join young Gaz at the Buy Frenzy Mall, amidst the last desperate holiday rush . . .

XXX

Gaz was wearing a scowl deeper than her customary one. Christmas meant many things she liked – sales on games, people depressed at how pathetic their lives were, and the big winter releases. But everything else about the holiday she hated. From the tinsel, to the cheer, to the horrid color schemes. And yes, the fat goy in the suit, though it was not nearly the passionate vendetta her father held. She didn't believe in the jolly old soul, and considered it a flaw in her father that he raged against the nonexistent.

Well, unless you counted that Santa monster Zim had built the year previous. She almost wished he would try and ruin Christmas like one of those holiday special villains. But no, Zim still seemed fixated on harnessing the holiday for world conquest. She had seen him earlier, selling purple glowing "fruit cakes" on the curb. Dressed as a platypus, for some reason.

But enough about stupid Zim. There was only one gift she wanted for Christmas, and once she reached the end of this line, she could get it. Then she could lock herself in the house until tinsel time was done and it was just plain horrible winter again.

Normally she hated to wait in line, but it was impossible to beat these lines. People started camping out for the sweet spots eating Thanksgiving leftovers. Fortunately, inevitably they under-packed food, and several of those early liners would get eaten by cannibals. Which meant shorter lines for saner shoppers like her.

She was close enough now to see the banner advertising the sales item.

MEGA ULTRA VAMPIRE PIGGY HUNTERS IV: THIS TIME, IT'S WORLD WAR!

Nearly an hour later, Gaz was finally in front of the store counter. She looked up at the teenaged boy in the store vest and tie standing behind it, who looked weary, worn down, and years older than he actually was. Probably from years of working this dead-end, minimum-wage job, she thought to herself, before shrugging it off – not her concern, after all.

"It's obvious what I want, so I won't waste time saying it," she said tersely, "Make with the game, quick."

With a sigh, the teen reached under the counter and pulled up a box with the title and graphics of the game printed on it.

"That'll be $19.95," he said, sounding as weary as he looked. Gaz handed over the exact amount and grabbed the box out of his hands, turning on her heels to leave the store.

"Attention shoppers," the teenager announced over the store's intercom, suddenly sounding nervous, "I'm sorry to announce that we just sold our last copy of Mega Ultra Vampire Piggy Hunters IV. We apologize for the inconvenience – no, wait, stay back! AAAAGGGHHHH!"

Gaz ignored the sounds of the riot starting behind her, and the poor unfortunate teenager's screams as upset game enthusiasts assaulted him. She had what she wanted, and that was all she cared about.

"Little girl! Wait!" a voice called from behind her.

Stopping and growling in annoyance, Gaz turned around to see a middle-aged man in a cheap suit that had seen better days running up to her.

"What?" She snapped, glaring at him.

"Please, I know you bought that copy of the game for yourself, but I really need it," the man said.

"Excuse me?" she asked, clutching the game closer.

"It's the only thing my son wants for Christmas," the man explained, "And the holidays are the only chance I get to see him, since my stupid lawyer screwed up during the divorce hearings. If I can't get him that game, he'll hate me forever. I know that if you could just find it in your heart-"

"Fat chance," Gaz said, cutting the man off.

"What?" He asked, blinking in confusion.

"You heard me. If you're that desperate, then you should have gotten here sooner. It's your own fault, so don't think I'm going to bail you out."

"Bu-but," the man stuttered, before partially regaining his composure and pulling out his wallet, "Look, how about I give you double what you paid for it, huh? Think about all the, I don't know, pretty dolls you could buy with that much money."

"Pretty dolls?" Gaz repeated incredulously, "Do I look like some airheaded girly-girl to you? Like I said, this is your problem, not mine. Now beat it."

As she turned once again to leave, the man tossed aside his remaining dignity and threw himself to the floor and grabbed her legs. Gaz stiffened in shock at someone actually daring to touch her, her golden-brown eyes popping open to glare fully down at the man.

"Please, I'm begging you! It's Christmas for goodness' sake! You can't really be so selfish that you'd-"

Gaz blocked the man out as she began looking around for a weapon. Seeing she was standing next to a holiday display composed of artificial snowmen and giant candy canes, she grabbed one of the latter and with superhuman strength ripped it out of the floor. Judging the weight of the painted metal for a moment, she brought it down at the unsuspecting man still clutching her legs. He cried out in pain and let go, but didn't have a chance to do anything else before she hit him again, and again, and again…

After a few minutes, she stopped and tossed the now blood-covered candy cane away. Looking down at the quivering, bloody mess below her, she simply snorted derisively.

"Whiner," she said, walking away with her prize in hand. Due to the ongoing riot, no one paid any attention to what she had done… seemingly. But as she exited the mall, a strange wind blew through, and the eyes of the plastic snowmen starting glowing an unholy red.

"Krampus Venturus Est," what sounded like a dozen voices speaking at once emitted from the snowmen, as their red eyes seemed to focus on Gaz's disappearing form.

XXX

Gaz took some notice of the gathering blizzard as she walked home, but her only thought was for the game. Normally she would have started as soon as she received it. But this one demanded all the proper fix-ins. The couch, the snacks, the sods, and of course, the solitude.

She paused on the walk, letting the Anti-Santa security scan her. Bothersome, but she did not want to mess with her father's paranoia. At lest he and Dib wouldn't be back until morning, at the very least. The year before last, they hadn't shown until New Year's Eve, stinking of fish and cranky.

Soon enough she was inside, leaving the blizzard to grow. As the snow filled the streets, a tall, gaunt figure in black made his way over the snow, a large black bag whipping in the wind from one hand.

XXX

The world was unfair and stupid, Gaz reminded herself. She had prepared everything for the ideal gaming experience, even waiting a few minutes for the spot on the couch to warm up. Only to be thwarted by the low battery indicator coming up instead of the start screen on the Game Slave.

That delay alone would have been unacceptable, but a brief search proved it was even worse. All the battery boxes had been picked clean, no so much as a triple-A left.

"Dib," she cursed, her hands clenching into fists. He would pay when he returned. She went to the door, fully intending to go get batteries.

It opened with a gust of wind, as snow spilled in from being piled up nearly halfway up the doorway. Swept back by the wind and snow, Gaz slid across the floor.

"HAHAHA!" A man laughed in a booming voice. The snow parted before her eyes, and a man ducked down to walk through the doorway. He was tall and gaunt, even through the black coat he wore that contrasted with his chest-length beard. The suit he wore was clearly a black Santa suit, but what got her attention were his pointy-toothed grin and the goat horns protruding out from under his hat.

"Wow, Santa is not as advertised," Gaz commented.

"HAHAHA! A naughty child like you has nothing to do with Mr. Kringle," he wagged a finger at her, dropping an empty sack onto the floor.

"Whatever, security!" she yelled.

"I am Krampus! The Yuletide Arbiter and Avenger, tasked with punishing the inexcusably naughty! And I have come for thee, Gaz Membrane!" He declared, pulling a switch from behind his back.

"I don't think so," Gaz smiled as her dolls walked by her, locking onto the intruder.

The first sprouted claws and flew at him like a sprinting cat. A tongue swept out and caught the doll in mid-flight before slamming it into the floor, shattering it.

The next fired lasers from its eyes. Krampus leapt over the attack and landed boot first on top of the doll; it exploded under his feet as he straightened back up.

Gaz just shook her head and smiled as the last doll raised her arms, and doused the black-cloaked fairytale freak with its flamethrowers.

"Well, that was fun," Gaz remarked, as Krampus burned in the hallway.

"Very naughty indeed," Krampus said. With a snap of his fingers, the fire disappeared, revealing Krampus unharmed. He struck out with the switch, and the doll exploded on contact. Stepping over it, he loomed over Gaz, whose eyes widened at the destruction of her security.

"Get out of my house right now, or I'll plunge you into a nightmare-" Gaz threatened. And was cut off when he lashed out, grabbing her ankles and hoisting her high into the air, hanging upside down from his grip.

"Time for Yuletide justice, HAHAHA!" Krampus laughed.

Gaz screamed out as he struck her over the bottom with the switch, then her back, and then her neck. From her legs to her neck, the blows rained down, and she was sure her dress was in ruin when he stopped, leaving her to groan and whimper in his grip.

She panted; she had never felt pain like this. Surely that was it. He had proved whatever, and would leave now like his obese counterpart? Right?

Opening her eyes as she felt herself being lowered, she looked down in time to see his great black bag opened wide beneath her.

There was a moment to be afraid, then he released his grip and she plunged into the black depth. She hit the bottom, and smelled potatoes, before rolling onto her back and looking up. Krampus' smiling face revealed rows of pointy teeth, which parted, letting a long forked tongue hiss at her.

"Now away into the night, to vanish before the morning comes. Dash away, dash away all! HAHAHA!" Krampus laughed as he drew the bag close. Gaz felt the cloth tighten around her as it was lifted into the air, and ommphed as she collided with the monster's back.

Now it smelled like candy, she thought as she drifted off into the black.

Hours Later:

Krampus grumbled as he shoved the door open, the blizzard following him in even as the balmy warmth of the building rushed to meet him. He kicked the door closed and pulled off his hat with his free hand, shaking the snow free.

Stomping his boots three times on the welcome mat to shake off more snow still, he walked over to the fireplace where a pot hung open, steam rising from with within.

"Well, at least you settled down. I suppose you really never have heard of me, since you never screamed about getting eaten," he remarked to the bagged Gaz. He dropped the bag on the floor, eliciting a squeak from Gaz. Grabbing a pair of tongs hanging from an iron hook on the mantle, Krampus stirred the pot, and pulled out from it… a steaming red towel.

He plastered it on his face, giving a deep sigh of relief.

"HOHOHO! Been on the hunt again, eh Franz?" Santa laughed, walking up while holding his jiggling red-wrapped belly.

"Well, mostly retired or not, this one was practically wearing a 'smite me' sign," Krampus shrugged. He accepted a cup of hot chocolate from the jolly old soul as he pulled the towel off his face.

"Didn't take a little nibble, did you?" Santa asked with a wink. Krampus rolled his eyes.

"How did that rumor even start? I've been a vegetarian since 1307. And back then I preferred mutton. Besides, if anyone here has been chowing down, do I look like the guilty party?" Krampus griped, poking Santa's massive gut.

"Hohoho! That's not the diet – you and all your hiking while I get pulled in a sleigh, was bound to happen, wasn't it?" Santa pointed out.

"Now, let's have a look, shall we?" Santa said, kneeling to untie Krampus' black bag. Soon enough, despite his red mittens, the knot was untied and the burlap pulled back to reveal its occupant.

"HOHOHO! Well if it isn't little Gaz, the daughter of that naughty Membrane boy! He should have known better than to expect plutonium after what he did to those hamsters. I should have known you would be along! HOHOHO!" Santa laughed, poking her red nose.

Gaz sat blinking in confusion in her Size Way-Too-Big clothes. Her hair was red as holly berries, and curly like wool. Her ears were twice as long and very pointed, sticking out away from her head, and her eyes were big, wide, and green.

"Wait, I don't think…" she said, scratching her head through the curly hair.

"Don't bother thinking, dear, most elves don't bother, HOHOHO!" Santa laughed, snapping his fingers. Green and red snow swirled around Gaz, shrinking her clothes as they changed into a green overall dress, with a red long-sleeved shirt and candy cane stockings. With a pop, pointed green shoes with upturned toes appeared on her feet, and finally a slightly too big pointed green hat plopped on her head, the bell on its tip dangling down into her face.

"But… not supposed to be?" Gaz muttered. Santa tapped the bell, and it began to dance before her eyes, the bell jingling all the way. Her big green eyes followed it and she started to feel a song rise in her heart.

A song of hard work and joy. The joy of working for others' joy, and helping others do the same. And the certainty there couldn't be anything better. A small part cried out in protest. But that speck of purple slowly turned red while the black turned green, and the Christmas spirit swallowed her up whole.

"Welcome aboard, Gazzie," Santa patted the little she-elf on the head and put a doll and doll head in her hands. With a cry of delight, she reached into her pocket, pulling out a needle and thread.

The doll was completed in record time, but she could smell there were many many more dolls to be made. She had a massive workload in front of her.

Not that she would complain! No, her heart was filled to burst as she took her place on one of the nearby assembly lines. Gazzie the Christmas Elf was positively thrilled at the prospect of making pretty dollies for all the good little girls, and some boys, of the world. Letting the song in her heart come out she joined the sing along, any thought of a life before the workshop.

"That's right, no time to waste. Only 365 days until next Christmas! HOHAHOHAHOHA!" Santa Claus and Krampus laughed together as the former naughty child, and new elf, began a very long lifetime of servitude for the joy of others.

And really, isn't that was Christmas is all about?

Merry Platypus to all, and to all a Good Night!

AN:

I wish you all a Krampus free Christmas!